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@Joyoflife,

No need for the apology. In fact, you have raised a very important concern every young woman will have before getting married to a man.

You are absolutely right. Every young woman should be financial independent in this generation so that if she ends up with someone who is troublesome, financial strain and the children should not be the prohibiting factors for the right decision she feels comfortable with.

My questions are not only for you but all in IL who can address these questions:

1) What are the techniques a young woman can use during courtship to find whether the prospective groom deserves respect and is not a male chauvinist?

2) What are the root causes under which a man changes his demeanor especially after he appeared to be a perfect gentleman during the courtship and how to address them?

3) What are the things a newly married woman can do to change him to become a fine gentleman again?

Some of the answers you have addressed yourself in your response.

Very well said and you answered most of what I asked in question # 3. I assume by "keeping the ego" you mean, "not showing ego" to the spouse.

Root causes are, in general, created by people outside the marriage and the individual spouse bundling the other spouse with his/her close relatives. not disclosed expectations could be another causing change in the demeanor. Lack of respect for the extended family could be another. Only issue that causes irreversible damage to the relationship is infidelity. Perhaps, the man's mind changes from humble thinking, "I was lucky to find the right woman" to arrogant thinking such as "I have some great qualities that could attract any woman".

Regarding respect, I feel the young woman should watch all his actions carefully whether any of his actions lacks her respect. Some men might be great in their thoughts and even words but their actions may not be matching with their thoughts and words. That is a red flag. Some men are impulsive and can't pretend to be a gentleman too long. Some of their actions may show their true color in some shape or form if their red button is pushed.

I welcome thoughts from all young woman about their thoughts here on all these three questions. @Joyoflife, your participation in this thread is invaluable as much as your excellent contributions.

Viswa

 

@veenago,

I have no doubts in my mind that we need to help the children build excellent character in themselves. But after the children grow up to become adult children, they need to use their discrimination to make their life purposeful.

Viswa

 

I agree with your thought that two people from a completely different background will have some differences in their values. It is interesting you mentioned here about quirks. I had a bad habit of touching my mustache when I think or talk with anyone. Many took it as intimidating at my young age when it is habitual for me. My wife discussed this with me almost 10 years after our marriage but didn't raise it immediately. Later, I ended up removing my mustache completely. She always calls me with a nick name no matter who is present but I have not discussed this as an embarrassment to her until now as I know she is not doing it to hurt me.

Viswa

 

Dear Sri Thyagarajan,

1) Arranged marriages are outdated now and I couldn't agree more.
2) In the television shows, some young woman explain that I liked his walking style, smoking style, eyes, smile, etc. I wonder how they would eventually settle down in life.
3) I am not talking about parental advice here. Educated young women should have some criteria to choose their respective life partner. That is what I am trying to find out
4) I agree the young woman should have the freedom to choose whoever she likes as she is the one who is going to lead that life.
5) Who knows there could be proficiency test conducted for many young men in future and they have to go through drug test and other lab work before the wedding.

Viswa