Relationships Forum Chatter & Grey Matter

Its called survival and the last bit of honest advice . In my opinion if any woman thought of her spouse the way OP does and talks about him in a forum regardless of the cloak of anonymity that marriage is not worth salvaging. U might disagree but then thats u and this is me. World and IL both are big enough to house our radically opposing views on various topics.
Labels are limiting and most of the time confine people to narrow buckets .People marriages and any relationship for that matter is way more complex ..if mommas boy is all u can call him in every post u make ..u dont have much insight into the person he is.. why u love him... why u want the marriage to work …and what went wrong and what can be done to fix things. I want her to look beyond the obvious give her marriage her best shot before calling it quits.

No I actually find that not simple at all. I find it easier to understand the desire to end a marriage for any reason.
..but what I find inherently distasteful is staying in it and not respecting ur partner on or offline . Claims of love and yet publicly shaming him…call me old fashioned but that is no love…. not even remotely close in my world . Last on this topic. Have a good one see u in a diff thread!

 

I understand what you said here. This has been my personal experience as well. I know for a fact, all the husbands do know what is happening between wife and mom but they would like for the situations to resolve with time. Because, that is what I thought when I was in that position. It is very difficult to stand up as they say here to your parents especially for men. I am sure there are other ways to "stand up" just not so "in your face" way when dealing with parents.

 

Sorry for intruding but I could not help making some observations on this bit. Yes, love and mutual respect is a very desirable state of affairs in any marriage, but how many marriages are genuinely 'marriages' in the fundamental sense of the word? In Indian arranged marriages, love and mutual respect seem to be the last criteria on the agenda. From the word go (I mean the larger social picture) it seems to be about the family, family honour, money, control, domination of one side over the other, satisfying of egos and so on. If love or respect were to be the basis, where did the money aspect or putting one side on a pedestal come from at all. In this social context it seems to be nothing more than a social and financial contract between two parties until death do the couple part. If in the meanwhile there is any love, affection as well as mutual respect, it is a bonus, not a given. Not too many people are blessed in that way.

 

Feeling sad about the 'popular' thread... the poor girl is suffering, like a loose cannon! May not have a sibling or a reliable cousin to discuss the issue with her, to calm her down to explain the reality of Indian marriages. Possible that she is not willing or too proud to reach out to someone? Instead, going in a circle over and over.

She may have high expectations and the man will not budge to her demands. Seems to be a shrewd guy and knows 'his place'. Most likely the outcome will not be pleasant.

A few drops of (crocodile) tear will do the wonder than one thousand words of proving your argument .....been than done that!

 

I am somewhat pressed for time, I haven't even been able to focus on @Viswamitra 's latest puzzle, but I simply had to add to the discussion above in #1030, 31, 33 etc.

This issue is way more complex than anyone might think. We are simply skimming the surface. Yes, without labels, names and concepts we cannot discuss things, but a label can constrain as much as inform. An example that most people can relate to is the following:

In medicine, if an initial diagnosis attributes a name - a label - to a set of symptoms, then that name immediately channels future choices. Other symptoms that may not fit in are often unwittingly ignored, entrenching a wrong attribution. This is known and recorded. No one is evil or ignorant - this is just one kind of cognitive bias that our mind suffers from. Unfortunately, I don't have time to provide links right now.

Tomes have been written in philosophy, literature and psychology about getting too attached to labels. They are simultaneously useful and reductive, unavoidable and dangerous, convenient and potentially destructive. A huge chunk of Buddhist philosophy is devoted to getting beyond concepts and categories to see the thing in itself. That's the whole point of zen koans.

I don't have time to lay it all out, but I would caution you to not be dismissive. It is not psychobabble, although it is always possible to devolve complex ideas to prattle.

I could go on, but I will stop here. Use labels with caution. The OP needs to hear Yellowmango, Rihana and JAG - all three.

Some links:
The map is not the territory
Misplaced concreteness
Simulacra and simulation (The Matrix films were based on this!).

Also check out links on these pages.

 

Wouldn't it be a clever thing, if MIL and DIL were to be posting on the same thread, right now. Mummiji is gently prescribing the right med'cin to the dil. Mummiji might have sent along the valentine's gift, just to keep the dil on the hook. Getting dil pregnant is in mummiji's interest; that situation ties up the dil in a greater bondage, and offers more avenues to extract lucre from dil's parents. It is all in the plan; I saw through it all only after reading:

 

Whether this is with respect to my case or not....I think you should know this.
Real love doesnt mean you just blindfold yourself to all the wrong things done by the person and go on just praising him as the "best husband/best human/such a good son/etc".
Nobody is shaming here. Mommy's boy or immature are the words to describe the husband's behaviour towards his wife.
Real love is acknowledging all the positives and negatives of your love- ignoring few flaws...and try to change him where it is really required for the betterment of self and for the marriage. Whether they change or not is upto them.