Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Independentgal, Nov 21, 2019.
Marriage is a give and take. There should be a balance. One person cannot be giving all the time
Good that you are working.Keeping financials aside, the fact that he has been ignoring any sort of communication with you is not good. Does your family know? Has anyone tried to intervene? If not, it’s time someone does. He can’t continue to just do what he wants without considering you. Does he talk to kids? I know you are putting up for the sake of kids but trust me kids will soon start picking up on the nuances and that will end up affecting them irrespective of whether you are together or apart.
You did the right thing by calling cops. Stand for what you did-You will never tolerate it and will call police if he do so in future. No need to tolerate physical abuse. Its a deal breaker in marriage . For every action there should be a reaction. So dont regret what you did. No need to apologize for that. He dont have any right to physically abuse you.
You did a foolish thing. Will you tolerate if he put you down in front of your parents/friends/others. Will you be happy. Its lack of respect from your side and his side too(may be you can say sorry for being so insensitive about the situation). You would have waited till you get a chance to talk to him in private. You full life is there to argue or fight if you want. You could have thought about its consequence (situation can turn bad) before. Next time onwards avoid arguing in front of others or kids. Its not a good thing. Just walk way if other person dont understand what you are saying or disrespecting you. When you cool down, try to talk in cool composed way the points you want to convey. Thats more effective. You can demand the same approach from him too - mature way of handling problems.
For the current situation -Let him cool down. Focus on you and try to do things that make you relaxed and happy.
Anyway , he is of no use much in household/finance side, right. Give time. Is he staying in the same home? Is he other wise a loving or caring person ? Try to behave normal and do your duties as much as you can. Are you living with him and his parents now?
Good that you are financially independent. Also good that he is sharing total expense of the home. Why don't you initiate some communication from your side Or have a discussion with him -as both of you have your own share to this current issue. Try to understand it and take steps.
Hitting was done few times in the past too and also when I was pregnant(with first child) too, Complaining to the cops was the first time. That weekend have been a total humiliation weekend. I definitely don't regret the argument being picked up that day and complaining to cops.
But his behavior at home now is bothering me and kids.Obviously they cannot speak up and older one doesn't really care.May be she thinks we are better off not talking with each other.But like you said family cannot function like that forever. He is an extremely egoistic,I would say way beyond imagination. For example last year when my parents came for my second child delivery,he wouldn't even stand in their presence .Imagine my situation since last 15 yrs ,I have been seeing the same over and over again. I tried to replicate the same behavior with his parents but I cannot be like that 100 percent.It takes so much hatred and cruelty in the heart to be like that. I did tried to start communication from myside so many times but no use.
This morning I have sent an email again but this time have put content from kids point of view. Will have to see if he understands and gets back
I guess your in laws are not living with u. Then why u started fight on that topic which u always had before. When you have small baby and your parents are here to help you, husband is travelling then why and who started fight? You and your parents should focus on baby and ignore him for now. He may understand or may not but try to keep peace at home and think what you want to do. I understand with small baby and job it's overwhelming that makes you very tired and angry. I have been there. Taking ashwagandha helped me lot.
When this cop situation happened inlaws where there.
We thought we will rotate parents parents and in laws every 6 months to take care of baby instead of putting her in daycare.I guess that was a foolish decision on my part.
OP , only you know the details and your tolerance levels ( for example physical abuse is a deal breaker for me even for one time, may others can tolerate it).
I think he never expected that you will call cops. Congrats for doing that. His ego is not allowing him to accept it. I am sure next time he will think twice before taking that step.
"May be she thinks we are better off not talking with each other" -It is not a good environment for kids. Both of you should think about it and control your behavior in front of kids. What is the message you give to your kids?
You said he is not much helpful. Even after your effort for regaining communication ( you should be very firm that you will call cops is he do it again) if he is silent, let him keep sulking. You can focus on yourself, kids and be happy as if you don't need him in life to be live well. Let him get curious. He may be expecting you to fall on his feet. Use this opportunity to give him a strong message that your dont accept these kind of abuse from his side.
Ugh..sorry OP. Will never understand how men of our generation who are educated, in good corporate positions and exposed to world culture resort to such lows. I hope the email makes him respond. I really do. It’s pure cowardice on his part to not respond. Keep us posted. Keep your chin up. Just stay prepared for the worst.
Paying house, cars, utilities is sharing. Let him be and sulk. Perhaps civil behavior may come out of that eventually.
FYI: All police calls would require the officers to write a report on the matter. You can verify that if you are curious. Domestic abuse on police record is not a good thing to have for many types of employments, and pretty much most security clearances. You may already know that in employee selection most companies would screen the shortlisted for a clean past. Sometimes we tend to lose an otherwise excellent hire, because he had hit his wife at home, and the police record on that domestic disturbance call was graphic and detailed.
Anyhow.... be safe. The lack of communication is not necessarily bad. Guys who lack rage controls are safer from self-harm during silent periods.