Putting oneself out of a situation?

Srama · Dec 8, 2011

[JUSTIFY]
You will agree if I say anything that has to be researched about babies/toddlers has been researched and more! Who are we kidding? Just look at the array of toys and products - educational or otherwise, useful or not. Any parent knows that! So on my drive to work, when I heard on the Radio (yes, yes radio! I still love NPR - there is only so much western music I can take on other stations and only so much of the same Hindi CDs repeating) that a first time ever research has been conducted on toddlers and tantrums, my ears perked up! Yes, tantrums - while I cannot say I have been there (the tantrum part), I have witnessed it many a times and most people pay not much attention to it for everyone believes (including the pedeatricians) that this too is a phase and that the toddlers will eventually grow out of it, which they will of course!

Anyways, this team of researchers felt there was a need for this kind of research and they fitted some 100 toddlers with a recording device that would record the tantrum and then later on, the research team would analyse the voice/sound decibel which will eventually give some information about the emotions of a toddler throwing a tantrum based on the pitch/intensity and eventaully help parents I believe! As part of this program, they were playing a recording of a toddler who was throwing a tantrum. It was quite intense, trust me and I got caught up in the emotions of the whole scene, even going to the extent of wanting to communicate with the parent at one time to thinking "Thank God I am not that parent" another time!

The reason for the tantrum was, this particular toddler wanted to be seated at the head of the table for dinner. Now if you are wondering just like me as to why can't the family give in, it is just another night at the table at home, here's what I heard the father tell the screaming child "Honey, I know you want to sit at the head of the table, but this is a round table and you have to sit where I seat you and that can be the head", I could not do anything but sympathise with the parent as the screams continued to grow only louder! And yes, I drifted off to the la la land wondering about parenting to the receding background talk of the researcher explaining how that parent is doing a fab job etc and was only jolted back to reality when I heard the researcher mention that the best thing anyone can do in a situation like that is "to put oneself outside of the situation"!

What a profound statement - I have heard this many times, tried to understand it and finally understood it when I was listening to this piece on the radio, for as a listener, I had already managed to get into the situation, imagine the parent! This happens, most of the times as a parent myself involved in a scene where I am trying to not only pacify my little one but also wondering about the surroundings, as a by stander while watching something like that - wanting to either help or wondering as to why the parent cannot do a better job, or feeling sorry for the parent etc. So forget putting myself out of a situation, infact I have effectively managed to put my self into to two situations - one of my own and two of the environment!

I am sure this is what happens in many of the emotinally charged situations to many of us, many a times and one of the involved parties can be as unreasonable as that child throwing a tantrum!

Notice the researcher did not say put yourself in the parents' shoes but said put yourself out of the situation. Infact he went on to mention that by putting our selves out of the sitaution we are not only emotionally not involved but infact the whole sitauation might be like just watching another drama unfold and we can even begin to look at it with amusement!

How true and what a relief that, that indeed can happen! In an emotionally charged situation if we learn to put ourselves out of the sitauations even if it involves us (either as that unresonable toddler or if we are dealing with an another adult who seems like that to us then), what wonders we can do - not only to ourselves and but to our relationships as well! If we learn to do that, we will even understand ourselves better. Yes, if we want to understand the other person, we need to put ourselves in their shoes, that is certainly another way of doing it but imagine that task when our own emtions are running high! Just by learning to put ourselves out side the situation, we learn to observe without getting emotionally charged and we may indeed be learning a lot! Would you agree?
[/JUSTIFY]

Arunarc · Dec 8, 2011

Dear Sabitha
Research on toddlers to find about they tantrums... this is something new and interesting, you are right we usualy ignore they tantrums or shout at them to sit quiet. Never thought it this way.
Interesting write up on putting ourselves out of the situation, should try in order to know it better.

Aspire · Dec 8, 2011

When one is caught up in the emotion of the situation, a calm and rational thinking is sometimes almost impossible.

But if one is strong minded and is not an impulsive personality, then one can still move away from the current situation and think about it in less anxious atmosphere and which might lead to better understanding of the situation to know how to proceed further.

Generally, in a emotionally charged situation, people become anxious and this can create a reactive atmosphere that stifles creative problem-solving.

Even a small step towards less reactivity and greater self-awareness makes a significant difference to a emotionally charged situation.

satchitananda · Dec 8, 2011

Hi Sabitha,

Loved the solution, when you cannot do much about it, just watch as a bystander. Detach yourself from the situation and the emotions.
:-
I have yet another solution. Shock the kid into silence. By throwing a tantrum yourself - i.e. by imitating the kid. I am sure the kid would be so shocked he/she would stop to watch the scene, nonplussed at this turning of tables. :-D After all it will be competition from unexpected quarters.

Shanvy · Dec 8, 2011

Sabitha,

A thought provoking post.

who said tantrums was only for kids..!!!
tantrums never happen without a reason, the child in you is not happy about something, and wants to get the attention to that issue..sometimes it is possible to help the child and other times it is better to allow the child to realise that this is not happening..

i remember reading a article on putting oneself in somebody's shoes ( or the shoe shifting!!) and how grossly inneffective it is these days..the author gave the reason, that at any particular incident, you are not in the same level of consciousness as the other person whose shoes you are trying ..and we end up with a skewed view of the issue based on our level of understanding, of the situation using our level of consciousness.. we need to remember that we need to remove our shoes to fit into others..and that is something very difficult to practice and the more i think of this, i somehow tend to agree with the article.

putting oneself out of a situation otherwise can be loosely called abstract thinking. it is more effective than fitting into yourself into other's shoes..it helps you view self as others view you. it makes you analyse and become a little better..

now you are to be blamed if i sound like sitting in a psych class..

Mindian · Dec 9, 2011

Very interesting Sabi and thought provoking...... as always

Even as I was reading it I thought it was easier to put yourself out of the situation and think of a solution than thinking by putting yourselves in the others shoes and then I see that Shan here has said the same and said it SO well.

To put yourselves in the others shoes is easier said than done if you ask me, for you can never get into the psyche of the other person, however well you may know him/her.

Here I logged in wondering how I am going to keep myself occupied for a whole week( as hubby is travelling)
and was glad to see your post.
Your posts always make me don the thinking cap otherwise caps to me are merely an accessory Hahaha

SriVidya75 · Dec 9, 2011

wowww superb!!! putting ourselves out of the situation and watch the entire thing as a drama.....on hte other hand I wonder for handling kids this does seem a good solution...but when we are handling adults and sometimes people who are elder to us and if we just watch the drama I wonder what would happen...I remember doing that one time(yes only one time and I gave it up)...and the drama went from just being a tantrum or drama to mahabharath!!!! why?? because I was the arrogant one who was just watching and not answering

But again one thing is sure....No one ever got into any trouble by being silent!!! not saying a word....*am yet to master this skill...

By the way....I just loveeed the way you wrote the post...wonderful and interesting...and.....Radio?? sweet maa....yeah brings back those old memories of listening to vividhbharathi....

Kamalji · Dec 9, 2011

Dear Sabita,

Tell me , a doctor cannot operate on huis family member, for feelings are involved, he operates on others pretty well, can we tell the doc when u operate yr mother for example, u put yrself out of the situation, that is think she is an ordinary patient like anyone else, can he do it ?

So i think we cant do that, for we are emotinally attached to thekid, we are scared of teh reactions of the people around to the tantrums of ur kid, we want him to shut up, for he is embarassing us, etc etc, so many things eh

But surely this is an interesting expieremtn, i think they should do a survey of bloggers, and find out their reations, when they get sufficient FBs or insufficent ones, that too would eb interesting eh ! HAHA

Goood one enjoyed it a lot.

Regards

kamal

mikku · Dec 9, 2011

Dear Srama,

An apt article for someone who has been dealing with 'toddler tantrums' lately...Since graduating from infancy to toddler hood, my little one has been throwing tantrums when his favorite music is turned off or when he senses the food in his dish is coming to an end, he has a hard time coping up with the fact that every activity has an end point. Well, coming to your article, I put myself out of the situation at times, say a couple of times during the day and trust me it works wonders, in the sense that I am not emotionally drained and am rejuvinated to deal with yet another tantrum. But, this isn't always possible, since it is impossible to remain emotionally detached at all the times when the child is wailing away. Maybe there isn't a definite way of dealing with tantrums, maybe striking a balance between putting ourselves in and out of the situation would do the trick.Oh well...

kkrish · Dec 9, 2011

Dear Sabitha
A very thoughtful piece indeed!
Though I have never paid attention to it, after reading your article i realized, yes, I have always stepped away from the problem if I wanted to find a solution.

Experience has found me getting emotional and irrational if I was steeped inside the problem. Stepping away gives us a wider view of the implications of our action.

A very nice snippet and like Mindi says, one that makes me put my thinking cap on.