problems after moving to usa after new marriage

I am shocked at the kind of support dowry seekers are getting here.
They saw the home and office. What if the father says they have a lot?Does that mean the father has to hand over his wealth to the dowry seekers .Does marrying a daughter means the father has to give according to what he has? It is his wish how much he has to give.

Unless the marriage was based on a list of dowry to be given....there is no wrong done by the op's parents. Why should her parents give their wealth to her or her shameless dowry seeking in laws? Is she asking for her inlaws wealth ? Sometimes I am shocked how much support this dowry system has.

What lies???Did they lie about her character,physical features ,physical health,her education?How does not giving according to in laws expectations constitute as lying?What is the limit of dowry seekers?

Why is the mothers one mistake that was probably made because she was feeling awkward or embarrassed about her physical state given so much importance that the oversensitive reaction of the in laws is being justified on that basis. ...

Oh yes...it is because she is the girl's mother and not the guys mother.So what if she was oozing fluids from her body....she should have done her duty.

Is this one mistake so big that they have to be excommunicated.

Like SGBV wrote in another thread...why should any one in India want to have a girl child when such effed up expectation are put on her parents and such expectations have such wide support.

It looks like the in laws are milking that one incidence to show their anger about the dowry.
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Op ,why is your husband behaving like you are his hostage?
Why do you or your parents need his permission to speak to each other?

If he doesn't want you to talk to in laws...fine.
If they bring up this issue...tell them their son had asked you not to talk.Let him sort it out.
You have good relations with your parents. The festive season is coming .Your parents can talk to your in laws then.Why do they need permission. They have married their daughter...not given her in bondage .

As for your visit....go have fun at your parents place. Call up in laws when you reach.If they seem receptive to talking...you can continue the calls.Enjoy your stay at parents.

when you go to your in laws place with husband,go there with a positive frame of mind. Be respectful and dignified. Try to talk to them in front of husband as much as possible so there is no understanding.If they bring up dowry(there is no other word for it) ,tell them to discuss it with husband.

If they bring up the issue of your mother not coming to the house,tell them,my parents have apologized many times for that.(I feel so bad for your parents)

If they open up to you after your tries to open up with them,then fine.If not,there is no harm in having formal relations with in laws.You don't stay with them. Try to improve your bonding with husband. Keep in law issues out. When he speaks to them ,once in a while ,you talk too. During festivals,birthdays and anniversary...take the initiative to call. You can't force people to be close.May be it is not in there 'kismet' to have a close relationship with dil .

Best Wishes Op.

 

Dear OP, I agree with Yellowmango, whatever advice she had given was 100% correct.

Relationship should be from both sides, if the other party doesn't want to have a good relation, and if they want to make small things also big issues then its not your or your parents mistake. Good luck for your trip to India

 

Op, As much as you want everybody to get along and be hunky dory, it doesn't work that way. You cant make anybody do anything just becoz you want it. There are too many variables here. Big variable is your in laws. They are not bending backwards to make amends. So why are your parents insisting? Tell your parents to forget about it. When it comes to mending when you go to India, see if your in laws try to make an effort or your hubby. If they don't, don't try to bend backwards.

Bear in mind, if not the car issue, your in laws wud have made some other reason and made your marriage sour. Forget all this and enjoy your honeymoon period. Tell your parents when you come to India you can deal with this and meanwhile let them put this matter in back burner.

Sometimes, in laws are trouble makers and will look for any opening. Here the car issue worked to their advantage. You are spoiling your own married life, thinking about such things. Put this aside. You can never get back your honeymoon period. Enjoy it and create good memories. Problems with in laws is never ending.

At the same time, what your mom did was wrong not visiting in laws and leaving you on the doorstep. She cud have come in and said hello and explained she cant stay.

Take this this incident as a lesson , never say you have this or that in terms of money, property or assets to in laws or hubby by mistake too. Never project in any way. Same applies to your parents. Never say this is for our daughter or she will get it ever in front of in laws. It always comes back to bite later on. Sometimes sooner than later. Good Luck.

 

Op...also remember that in laws problems happen with almost everyone.
It is not easy to forget or forgive...nor is it a prerequisite to having a relationship with them. It just means you know what kind of people they are and hence tone down your expectations.

You can only have the kind of relationship that they allow you to have...whether with you or your parents.In your case where there is no goodwill on their part ,it is okay to have bare working relationship.

Even your parents should stop the apologizing routine .If they don't want to talk,....it is fine.Who knows what kind expectations and demands they will have if they start talking. Just formal relationship is what they should aim for.

 

Darling,
I am reiterating what yellowmango and chocolate have said above.
That was my intention earlier.
Marriages involve many many people, their myriad thought processes and egos and attitudes! you cannot single handedly change anything unless the other also want to change.
So, accept people for what they are.
And remember, marriages are much more complicated than what you are seeing now. There is scope for many many more fights. I am just saying, close down the avenues for fights instead of trying to solve them. Best way to deal. Take it from our experience.
And lastly, choose your battles wisely.
Pick your battles only if it affects your relationship with H. Other things don't really matter. Again, this is from experience!
All the best.. Peace!

 

No. They are not unhappy. They are greedy and manipulative. OP you dont need to react to this but just know it in your heart. Dont think of them as nice people or expect nice things from them. it will save you a lot of heartbreak.

That they dont mistreat you even more is nothing to be "grateful" for. That would be like a judge saying to a victim of physical assault "at least the accused didnt murder you"

But rest of the responses are good. Dont worry too much about these things at present. Ask your parents not to apologise and you talk to them daily and tell them how happy you are. At the same time work on your new and most important relationship - your marriage.

All the best OP - hope you feel better soon and enjoy your early marriage days.

 

When you try to purchase a groom for your daughter , the inlaws and parents act like a seller and buyer . So if seller gets less amout than expected the unhappiness shows .

Parents of daughter are as much to blame here as the parents if boy .

 

I dont know about u but I think your husband is doing u a favour by not asking you to talk to ILs! what could be better? He is keeping u away from their nonsense. You should be happy. I'd say listen to him. Do as he says. forget about sorting anything out. I dont see anything wrong with what you or your family members did at all. So no need for any of you to try to sort out any thing.
Your husband is very good. Listen to him. I wish my H would ask me to NOT talk to his parents. That would be the happiest day of my life.

 

Could not have said it better YellowMango. Super like. OP, please please read this advice. It is the best advice you can get.

 

On dowry system...

In my opinion... both the parties who "demand" and "feed into the demand" are equally wrong.. why should anyone feed the flame by "explaining" how well things were done?? material talk should cease at once from both the sides.. OP has an "opportunity" (in the form of a fairly reasoble husband) to steer the whole scene away from dowry and there seems to be no effort in doing so.

I still do not know what was the OP and her DH's take on "give and take". A positive change in the society starts with the couple getting married and not anyone else.

I see a lot of drama on both the sides and from everyone involved including the newly married ... what a waste of time and energy..

Its about time grown up adults (irrespective of whether they are girl's parents or boy's parents) understand

1) Not all relationship work the way we want them to work.

2) There should be no pleading / pleasing or any sort of convoluted way of reaching out to build any relationship. If things work on a "one-to-one-basis" fine... else they are better left alone.

More often than not ... its not that "one" erring that leads to strained relationship.. its a series of wrong choices especailly early on on a new "significant" relatiohship.