Problem With Younger Cosister

Why?? You ate. And then close the leftover food right there on the counter, and leave the dishes in the sink.

Really?? Why? If she cannot grind it herself (as she is PREGNANT, not sick!! ), they can buy it in the Indian store!

Good that your DH sees her actions for what it is, please use that, and slowly reduce their visits.

 

Awesome! Now it's time to really treat her like your younger sister and tell her to get off her lazy butt and help around the house.

She's acting like a spoiled brat at her akka's home. Time for akka to show some tough love.

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I have been in ur situation with someone once ..without going into details...that is typically when I freeze. I am ur host not maid. Nip it in the bud..else that is how it will be... even years from now and u will be catering to her whole brood .

 

Op, She is not your kid for you to indulge her laziness. She is taking you and your hospitality for granted and enjoying days off. First of all she is 23 yrs old and not a kid who was thrown into marriage. Do not fuel her laziness. She needs to get off her butt and help you around. Her husband coddles her let him. She is taking everything for granted.

Next time the husband and wife pair land on your house, eat out. Do not send idli,dosa batters. Is she invalid. How long will soaking and grinding take for 2 people. Eat at your time and feed your kids. If her highness is resting in basement or living room couch, let her. Call her from where you are and tell her to eat. If she doesn't respond, leave her food and take a nap. Tell your kids also to do it. Slowly cut them off. Your kids will get the wrong idea about this whole scenario.

You are also not looking at the bigger picture. Tomorrow after she delivers you are looking at taking care of kids needs along with mommy's needs. You are better off cutting them off now.

The husband and wife both take you for granted. Imagine driving 3 1/2 hrs for weekend to your house. Surely its not a social visit. They are looking to relax in the name of visit. The husband is also to blame here. He shud give a stern talk to wife. Not to indulge her and bring her here so both of them relax. You shud put your foot down and tell your husband you need family time too . Not extended family time during weekends.

My hubby's cousin lived about 2 1/2 hrs away from us when we were newly married. We only visited them , when we were invited that too asking 100 times if it was okay and only for a night. I never imposed and helped around as much as I can. We visit our friends who are like family infrequently, but when I am there or they are with us , we don't ask, but we help out as much as we can.What your co sis is doing is utter shamelessness. Don't let it escalate to kid too. Good Luck.

 

OP,

I feel that you allowed urself into this. you seem too shy/reserved to say anything to your BIL family. If you don't make indian breakfast, will they starve? No, they will eat what you prepare. Its your house. They are guests but they are relatives too, so you can be yourself and make what you like. Did they ask you to make idly batter and give them and make enormous meals? If they dont eat outside food, are you sure that your co-sis is cooking all three meals anyday at their house without any exceptions??

And why are you soo shocked about ur BIL helping you cook? I am sure he is also equally responsible for coming to your house along with co-sis just to unwind for the weekend. So, why are you not having any issue with BIL? when men have no problem eating(at hone or outside), whats soo wrong in cooking\cleaning too. Let me ask you one thing, does your H help u in kitchen, managing kids, and cleaning at home??

And you yourself washed dishes at your co-sis place. No one told you to. And, its good that ur BIL is helping your co-sis at home. Does that make you jealous? So, may be its ur BIL who suggests the idea of visiting you, so that he can get rid of household chores.

My question is, why do we expect and blame only women to help in household stuff .. when your co-sis is relaxing in the basement or in the couch, what will be ur H and BIL doing?

 

OP,
@chocolate has pointed out good stuff. If you don't put things in its place... this is bound to continue- You will become the periamma who takes care of everything/ everyone because "they are the guest", "because she is just 23", "because its their first child" or "because you are simply good at it". Everyone can make up plenty of reasons--
With a baby on the way- they might decide to just come to your home on weekends and relax while you might be expected to take care of the newborn. As you do everything so well and they deserve a break from the baby.

You have got plenty of advice from everyone.My suggestion is if you have already had a talk with your DH and all he says is "they are our guests" if your DH isn't gonna help you or your BIL refuses to see that his wife has to at least reciprocate to everything you are doing-- You take the lead and start cutting them off indirectly . Don't have a talk with DH or BIL or her. I am only saying this because she is pregnant and will be sympathized & partly coz that expectation of being taken care of during pregnancy is in our culture.

*Start cutting off the extended family time.
*Have your weekends planned with your kids dont get couped up in the house. I know its winter, but make an effort to take the kids out on weekends. They are welcome to join you and your family.
* stop cooking for some weekends when they are home- just fall sick or that we will do take out.
*If your co-sis isnt helping you to cut veggies or even hesitates to sit and talk- it just shows she doesn't see you as her sister. You are extending love and care, she is taking it. Stop it. Let her grow up.
* If they are coming cook over the weekend just prepare one meal and say you are tired or you have a deadline that you have to work or you are super stressed. Let them figure out what they want to eat.
* Even the host can have personal problems and just coz they are host doesn't mean they have always put on a happy face and do everything to the guest who won't even lift a finger. Take you personal time and enjoy your weekend just like your co-sis does. Just go to your bedroom and relax, ask your kids to not disturb your co-sis.
* Don't rush into pleasing them anymore.Don't cut slacks for them, don't cook for them or clean for them. If they haven't put the dishes after eating- point blankly point it out LOUDLY . Say things like " oh! I have to do this too".
*Start the process of cutting them off early- coz 6 months is just around the corner.


Goodluck

 

Yea, I think he just sees and doesnt take any action. It is not fair for OP to tell them the issue. Her H and BIL are brothers and I think it will be easy for him to convey the uneasiness to his brother, unless he wants to play the good host and see his wife suffer. Or if his brother sees him working hard in the house helping his wife(and this is clearly not happening as he is busy unwinding along with brother) , he will get a hint and reduce the visits.

 

Because in most indian homes if the lady is in the kitchen cooking /cleaning..BIL/FIL wont enter . Its a matter of delicacy.
If my dH were to be in kitchen then its reasonable to expect men to pitch in. In my house I am responsible for the kitchen and yes when I am upto my neck because of visiting relatives...I expect the lady to pitch in when my DH is busy entertaining or taking care of their kids and mine too in the process. The last thing I want is another man running around in an already constrained space.

 

No it will blow up and will look very petty. OP has to handle it with finesse.

 

I understand, but OP is in USA and the BIL has been in UK and USA long enough. His wife stayed for a while in India after marriage. How did he eat then? who cleaned the house then? its just the brother visiting that too a frequent visitor. I dont think OP's H needs to stop all his work and plans to entertain them. We women complicate our lives and then blame it on others. if only men were in our shoes, I am sure they would just order food(indian or continental) from outside, hand over games to kids, get a bottle of wine, start a movie or match and relax on recliner with the visitors and not crib, cuz u see, they had a relaxing weekend. Of course if anything backfires, they would stop talking and avoid the frequent visitors.