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Follow the discussion on experiences and tips in keeping Navratri Golu / Kolu for the 1st time in United States

Problem With Younger Cosister

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Trustcarelove, Dec 12, 2016.

  1. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Bronze IL'ite

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    I have been married for a decade, have 2 boys ( 9 and 3) living in US for 10 years and working full time. I am an independent person who can manage everything from cooking, taking care of kids, and do outside chores as well. I have my own problems with my husband and my inlaws...but the recent problem is with my younger BIL and cosister. They got married couple years back and they recently moved closer ( 3.5 hrs drive) to our home in US via my BIL work. My cosister is 23 and I am 31. I didn't ask for any help during her first visit since she was new and just came from India, so Jet lag problems..But after that, they visited almost 6-8 times ( couldn;t really remember)...All these times, the stay would be from Fri evening- Sun evening.
    The best part is she considers my place as a holiday resort. Not even lifting a spoon or no help...take hours to get showered and get ready, get dressed well but does nothing to help me in the kitchen or helping with the kids. After couple visits, we came to know that She is Pregnant and that adds to it..she is 3 months pregnant now...I know how pregnancy will be, but as an individual I have been active and managed on my own for both the kids...doing all regular chores ....given her pregnancy, whenever they come, i pack them enormous food, Idli batter and so much food..
    This last visit really irritated me to the core that made me to vent this here...She literally was lying down the whole time...watching TV in our basement, listening to Music, while i juggle between cooking, cleaning dishes...I have to send my 9 yr old to call her to come eat which she refuses too.. "akka, ennaku pidikalaaa" in a babyish tone. I was pregnant with my first one at the same age she is now...
    She doen't even ask for namesake whether i need any help or will she ask if i ate something , or she wont wait and say "ok akka, let us eat together".... It is like i am having another child who is 23 yrs old...

    Her husband , my BIL also never says anything to help me out in the kitchen or wait for her to eat with me....

    she was facing so many issues with my Inlaws when she was staying with them before she came to US when my BIL was in UK and then US...

    I really felt sorry for her and treated her like my own sister both in action and words..but looks like they have taken me granted...

    couple of good friends/ coworkers suggested me to tell her, " come here and cut this onion and vegetables" , i have something to take care right now"".. but i thought of trying it this time, but never worked..as soon as she done eating, she will go the basement , guest bed room...or the living room couch...

    I am really irritated, annoyed and tired..even our friends or not very close ppl coming for dinner offers to help out..
    I don;t know how to deal with this...need some suggestions from you fellow ladies.
     
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  2. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Op,

    Come on..she is 23 and you are 31. You need to understand better. If your sister was in her place, would you feel the same? Look at her as another woman who got married early, had in-laws issue..etc. May be she is just getting into normal life, getting to know her husband well and well..may be taking it a little slow.

    Just because you managed everything, you cant expect her to be like you. May be she is not working now, may be she was never independent by herself in India, etc. Please just give her a benefit of doubt.

    IMHO, you are being reasonable by giving her space and letting her do her thing and probably rest when she is at your place. She will surely look up to you as an elder sis and as a reference in her married and parenting life.

    Didnt you ever wish to relax, not care about anyone or anything, be pampered how it will be at ur mom's place? why do we keep these unreasonable taboos on women and leave the men without any expectation? Your BIL could also have helped you..like getting take away food or managing kids by playing with them or taking them out..or left you two co-sisters to go shopping while they are at home watching kids.. does your H not do all these? Does he help you at kitchen and with kids when you have guests at home?

    I understand that extra help at home would be good, and you slogging while everyone else is relaxing is irritating, but dont expect that from guests. If you dont have help, then be smart and order food, plan outings , or let the men do BBQ and you enjoy.
     
  3. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    No, I completely disagree with the previous poster. I understand exactly how you feel. You should NOT be there to wait on her hand and foot. I think all the handholding and caring shown in the early years have led to this. Give an inch and people will take a yard. And the more times you do it, the harder it will be to stop or change expectations.

    Granted she is pregnant for the first time, and feels special, but maybe her husband could make her feel that way, in THEIR house and not you. Why can't your family drive the same 3.5 hours to HER place one weekend, and see what happens. Say that in the early days of pregnancy, it is not good to drive long hours.

    Is she working full time? Who cooks and does the chores in HER house? You should have put a stop to this in the early days. Now when she is pregnant, it is going to be tougher, though.

    You have to be more firm, especially things which are under your control. Yes, you have to cook and be courteous. That does not mean you have to send ur 9 yr old to call her. If she is hungry, she will come upstairs from the basement to eat. You have to cook three meals a day, doesn't mean you have to pack extra food on Sunday, or send idli batter. Make sure you DON't have extra batter. If anyone explicitly asks, openly say, "a lot of cooking and work this weekend, so didn't find time to make it." If she comes upstairs for food, YOU say, "Wait, let them finish. You and I will eat together in few minutes. I also need some company."

    The next weekend they are here, you also say that you are sick/tired, and wake up later than normal. What will happen then?

    What does your DH have to say in all this? Is he also joining in, by ganging up with his bro, or is he helping you out with the weekend chores?
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2016
  4. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl Finest Post Winner

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    Dont. Its time to stop. Not cold turkey . Do it in stages .
    This to me is most telling.
    U are not the maid and the house is not a restaurant. U have gone out of ur way to make her feel welcome .Pregnancy is not a disability . Its insensitive to lounge around the whole day and have the lady of the house cater to u and ur spouse.
    Dont . She is an adult ..she will come find u and the kitchen in the process when she needs food. If she is not within earshot its her spouses responsibility .Dont volunteer. I dont even do that with my teenaager. I announce dinner once...if he is in the middle of something I let it go and he will come by when he is done and serve himself.
    No u cannot ask her to help u ..she is a guest ...what u can do is go about ur life as if they were not around. Cook and clean exactly how u would do if they were not visiting u.
    Dont increase the number of dishes or make stuff for her to take ..this is what is adding to ur stress. Routine cooking (increase the quantity to account for 2 more adults.) Ask ur husband to pitch in for help .Smile when they come home and wish them a safe drive back...and dont alter ur weekend plans for their visits.
     
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  5. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you for your Insight Yogirl, but honestly I feel she is taking too much advantage of me being treating like a daughter and not even my sister. As you said, If it was my own sister, I would have told her straight on the face to come and help me. And if it was my own sister, she wouldn't see her sister cooking back to back three meals , they dont left overs or outside carry out..they eat only indian breakfast and tiffin in the night...

    Are you kidding , my BIL helping me?? no way my husband would allow that....ofcourse my husband gets irritated seeing her actions, but all he said was " they are our guest and dont expect anything from her"..
     
  6. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Bronze IL'ite

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    thank you Dimhere..we did go there once for the weekend..i ended up doing dishes..I was feeding my 3 yr old his lunch....she didn;'t even ask me to eat, she ate , she went to take a nap..after i fed my 3 yr old, ofcours i was hungry so i had to feed me, so i ate and put away the leftovers and cleaned..

    I really dont know who does everything in their house...but my son went their to stay over thanksgiving, he mentioned chithappa was doing everything..

    My husband feels bad for me and gets irritated by her actions, but he cant say anything..he asked me not to give any food or batter this time..i use to put fresh batter for them on sunday morning...not give the leftover one..
     
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  7. Trustcarelove

    Trustcarelove Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you justanothergirl..I wouldn;t really mind her not helping, but i would be more than happy if she can stay around and just have a conversation. I feel like i was running a hotel and a maid to her...

    200% agree to your point that pregnancy is not a disability, i know very well she has gotten over her morning sickness and all..
     
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  8. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    It is very good idea to make them aware what it is to take care of guests with cooking and cleaning.
    First tell your DH that with full time job, weekend you expect some relaxation, and time to be with kids/family, especially 3 year old. Tell him that to make them aware let us go to their house and just sit, let BIL order food or cook for you guys. Ask your H to join there to help him and not ask you to help in their house.

    All people(your H, BIL, and cosis) will understand then what it is to cook 3 meals and cleaning and making coffee/tea few times a day. Next time they may offer help or you just tell your H to order food from outside and BF is cereal and fruit only.
    You spend most of the time with kids in your room/living room, just keep telling my younger one misses me, and play with him.

    • I want to share something, once we called a friends family (long time friend for my H) for a 4 day holidays. All 3 meals fresh home cooked. they have 2 toddlers. Later that friend working close to our place and his wife working in another place. he used to come to our place every weekend. don't we need private time? he just sits with remote in living room. Next time for Christmas holidays they just assumed they can stay at our place as he was managing in small place. we went for a trip to escape that.
     
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  9. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    Haha! :D
     
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  10. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    some people are just kaam chor type. she knows has to cleanup the place so she left it on you and went.
     
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