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Plight of Aged Parents with single daughters

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by vidyavisu, May 12, 2009.

  1. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    Ennaye, I agree with every word you say.

    Blessed are the children who are fortunate enough to pay back, even partly, the runam (I don't know the exact english word for this) of their parents - the way their parents took care of them when they were young.
     
  2. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Nice thread.. Like everyone's honest replies.

    If I scratch my head for my own situation.. I will happily take in my in-laws to stay with me forever. For my parents, I would be open too.. If my husband has issues then he has to figure it out for himself.

    For my own old age. I would like to be on my own until I am able to walk and talk. Later than that, I would want my son or daughter to help me around..
    However much I like independence and space.. I would not want to land in old homes for any reason.. Dont know exactly why.. But I think I cannt borrow a tradition for the heck of it.. I am an old school when it comes to big things of life.. Marriage, birth or death... all has to be as per my Hindu beliefs. I wont transport any western idea there.. It s my sane inner india, which I treasure and will protect until my death..

    If someone says, what if in-laws were mean and horrible with you. I would still keep them with me.. For I know how to be more grand of the two and forgive people for their limited thinking. Do kids put conditions on parents, we will only love parents if they are nice to us.. What if they were controlling and demanding kinds.. We cannt throw parents, so how we can throw in-laws. Just bcos they are not good. No one chooses their parents, we learn to make best of what we get.. I guess same shud go for in-laws too.


    Ria
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2009
  3. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    Suffering excruciating physical pain, loneliness, helplessness - not being able to even take a bath and wear a set of clean clothes, being bedridden are not somethings we even wish upon our enemies. But these are harsh realities of old age. I have seen how my mother took care of my grand mother to the extent of thoroughly giving her a hot bath, tending to her rashes and sores with nycil powder, dressing her up in clean and light cotton clothes and even taking her to toilet and giving her a wash. We as children were really amazed how our mother never felt it dirty. Now when I and my wife do the same with our child - I understand what our mother meant when she used to say - she has just become a baby and I feel I am taking care of one.

    Of course, none of us would want to live so long as to not able to take care of ourselves. But that is what a natural death means - your physical abilities are taken away from you one by one until you die. I believe none other than ones own children would be attached enough and agreeable to parents to take care of them to the extent I mentioned above.
     
  4. ennaye

    ennaye Silver IL'ite

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    This is exactly what I am passing through today. My aged mother , always a self dependant person and very strong willed, suffered a hip fracture. Bones having become brittle with age. She needs 24hrs care. I cannot imagine how any old age home can give her the care that she needs today. One needs one's own chidren for this stage of life.
     
  5. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Visu, I was in tears reading your post. You and your sisters are lucky to have such a great father. :bowdown:bowdown

    I don't want to be around some strange people when I am old. If I am not medically fit, then yes I am a burden, else I want to spend my last years with my loved ones. I want to spend every moment with my kids and grandkids.. not in some home watching TV and playing scramble.. No !!! :spin:spin:spin
     
  6. mridusudha

    mridusudha Silver IL'ite

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    Visu,
    I was about to write the same thing. I have seen how my FIL has taken care of his mother till she died at the age of 99 yrs. My GMIL (FIL's mom) was bed ridden when she was 85 yrs old. My FIL is the only child. my MIL never got along with my GMIL and to my surprise my FIL never said a word to my MIL about not taking care of my GMIL personally. I mean my MIL used to cook and send food but she never fed my GMIL or did anything personally. So when my GMIL was bed ridden everybody told my FIL to send her to an old age home because my FIL used to travel a lot.(My FIL was the dean of the university). But my FIL refused and had a lady come in to help 24/7. But when my GMIL reached 90 yrs her health detoriated and she stopped recognising people and became more fussy. At times she would not eat until my FIL came home in the evening and fed her. Even the maid got fed up and she left and no one came forward to take care of my GMIL. That's when my FIL stepped down his position as a dean and took a less demanding position and started taking care of his mom all by himself. He bathed her, he brushed her hair, he fed her, he cleaned her whenever she did potty and he changed her clothes. My GMIL slowly stopped recognising her son too. But still my FIL did everything nobody could imagine. In her last days my GMIL could hardly wear any clothes too because her skin started detoriating and she had all kinds of allergies and rashes. So my FIL used to just cover her with a light bedsheet and he used to check on her every hour..OMG I have seen my FIL do much for his mom. I think if it would have been someone else then they would have definitely left their mom in an old age home. Finally, my GMIL died at the age of 99 yrs after my DH went to India to see her. I guess she was waiting for her grandson to come and see her.
    For 9 yrs my FIL never went out of town and if he went out of the house (in town) he returned within 2 hrs to check on his mom. Seeing my FIL's dedication, DH & me decided that if need comes then we will definitely take care of our parents (both his and mine) and not send them to old age home.
    We haven't thought about what we will do when we get old!!

    Just felt like sharing what my FIL did for his mom.

     
  7. ennaye

    ennaye Silver IL'ite

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    Mridusudha,

    Thanks for sharing this inspirational devotion of a son to his mother.

    Frankly, it is very heartening to hear of how people take care of their parents and keeps many of us, who are in the same boat, going.
    My mother is very frail and I can see her becoming more so each day.

    Her skin is like parchment. If anyone holds her arm tightly, it bruises. So we have to hold her very lightly.

    As days go by, my fear of losing her becomes more real. I don't want to lose her and somehow if I can I would like her to be with me. One can never have parents back. So as much one can do one should do for them in their old age. Right now its a challenge for me to help her cross into the 90s with God's help.

    The other day some one said very beautiful words: If you are serving anyone over 80, you are serving God.

    In her younger days my mother may have scolded me many a times, but she was always there for me when I was in trouble. Now that she is so dependant on me I just want to hold her to my heart and never let her go. Like a baby...
    I cannot dream of any paid servant to look after her like I would.

    Hope this long post has not taken too much of your time. I just got a bit emotional after reading your post.

    God Bless you.
     
  8. vidyavisu

    vidyavisu Silver IL'ite

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    Dear All,
    Thanks a lot for huge :hiya response for this thread.
    If the daughter is in India,with lot of difficulties,she could try to manage her situation and look after her parents,though she has to face a lot of problems from inlaws side :bowdownif they're not supportive.
    I am not against looking after parents as i too agree it 's every child's duty.
    once when she's in abroad with a job,what the daughter should do?She must resign her Job and leave her DH and child and go back to her place for the sake of her parents?
    Whom to give prority?Her parents/DH and child?:bonk
    vidyavisu.
     
  9. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    Hi.. I was touched to read these..

    My mother being the eldest DIL is the sole caretaker of her ILs.. My GF (my dad's dad) was 88 went he died. He was healthy until 1 yr before he died. He was bedridden during the last year and my mom and dad took complete care of them. My dad was travelling so my mom did everything for my GF.. giving a sponge bath, taking him to the toilet, feeding him smashed food, making him drink juice other liquids, medicines.. He was like a baby, refusing to eat, to take medicines. My GF used to hold my mom's hand and say 'You are my mother', because of the way she sincerely took care of him. Even when he knew he was going to die, he took my mother's hand and touched it in his eyes (like praying god). that was very touching..

    my Grand mother (dad's mother) is 83 now. She takes care of herself - her choice, lives by herself in her own house (my parents live nearby, visit her and spend time everyday, my dad and his sister take turns to stay with her in the nights). She has fallen down and hurt herslef very badly many times, until she is completely cured my mom stays with her (my GM's choice is my mom..) doing everything for her, from helping her brush, bathe, cleanup, dressup, eat, everything.. When my GM misses my mom, she says to everyone that my mom is like a mother to her and says only she, in this world, can take care of her.

    Life was not pleasant for my mom. She had enough torture from the same Grand Parents years back. The first 10 yrs of my mother's marriage was hell for her. Lot of verbal abuse and humiliation. She was made to cry everyday. But after they moved out to live seperately, things seemed better as she did not have to face them everyday. But my mom's mom always adviced her to take good care of them when they are old. So my mom took every opportunity to serve them when they were in need. and the tables turned. My GP's were all in praise of my mom. My mom still says, good that they became wise as they grew older. Otherwise, she would not have got the opportunity to take care of them. :)

    I hope to serve my parents the same way in the future.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2009
  10. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Difficult to give a definite answer, Vidya. It also depends on the mindframe of the old people. If the old people (mother/mil/whoever) is a bold person and says "Dont worry, I will manage", you are better off staying with your own family itself. But, if they themselves are unsure and low in confidence, it is YOUR duty to be with them and cheer them up. Somehow, I dont feel easy answering the question of "whom to give priority". Both are important. The ones who raised us and the ones whom we raise too. On one hand, your DH is there to take care of your children. If at the most, the old person (mother/father/in-laws) is going to live for only 2-3 months more, then, it is a good idea to fly to India imm. and spend time with them. Yes, you must quit your job, arrange for day-care, seek your husband's co-operation and all. But then, I feel we still owe that much care at least to our parents (& in-laws). ON the other hand, you will probably have other relatives (may be cousins or uncles and aunts) in India who could care for your loved ones... It is a case-dependent decision, Vidya. Unless it really happens, you cant solve it.

    But, if the old person are just old, and not really on their death-bed, then may be, one can arrange for a nurse and keep visiting India more frequently, say twice a year. May be if it is your in-laws, then you and husband can take turns to visit them.

    The situation is complicated when you are in troubled waters financially... so, you cant arrange for a nurse, fly frequently, or even quit your job n visit India. then, may be, you and your husband can look for jobs in India itself and relocate.

    That is my opinion.
    Sandhya
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2009

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