Please help me to solve demand issue

Wait and watch.. you MIL may fizzle out or may explode.

Don't tell anything to your parents cos they need to know directly from the horse's mouth that she's unhappy. Some parents remain in misconception that they married you to the best family.

You discussing this with your parents shall put them under pressure to initiate the talks ..cos if ur husb wife relationship is good.. u'll end up telling your spouse that your parents are aware of his mom's unhappiness... which shall be further informed to your MIL.

Now if they dont overdo in next event or they dont discuss with your parents, your MIL can further blame you all for playing games with her and taking advantage of her NICE nature of not blasting you all left right center.

Very happy to know that your H is in support to you.

 

Please be calm, and discuss with your husband like you already did.

And why don't you ask your MIL to directly ask for the gifts in the name of custom to your parents, so that your parents can state their customs and say no to your MIL directly.

 

OP, This issue should be resolved by your DH.

When my relatives asked my ILs before marriage(on the things that should be given as dowry) , nobody opened their mouth because my hubby had warned them enough before coming to my house that they should not ask for anything.Same goes for any festival.He does not like taking gifts in the name of festivals or functions.Even my MIL was like that.

But after a year of marriage , my MIL, due to my SILs influence had told my father that for pongal we need to give few things(Not that she demanded anything huge , but just to show off to the relatives that my DIL got "this and this" for pongal).And my father as usual did a lot more than expected and did few additional things which my MIL asked for.She asked for just few eateries.Thatz it.Even for that my hubby felt very bad and he said never to "demand" anything.

I think it all boils down to a person or individual even if he is induced/triggered/influenced by others.Your hubby should have actually stopped your mom instead of ganging against you or your family.Your MIL would not speak the same topic again.

Make your hubby realise that gifts demanded in any form is unacceptable as we(you & your hubby) are capable of living on your own without others help.

 

Sheel,

As the others have pointed out, simply tell ur mil to inform your parents directly. That way she can state her expectations in the open. The next time she brings this up when you are all together, say that you like the gifts, so that is all that matters. Do your in-laws give the same kind of gifts, like they expect from your parents to your sil;s family too? What is the standard there? Did they give your parents return gifts what your parents got you?

This seems to be a common problem faced by Indian dils, no matter what part of the country they belong to. It has become fashionable for the groom's family to state 'No Expectations' initially at the time of the wedding, but they then criticise every single thing or gift.. After 8 years, my mom-in-law will still complain about not me not being given enough 'seer' for each festival!! But she will not ask them directly, and when I asked her about it, she said that if she asked them straight, they will think bad about her.. !! That is how many women sadly think. On the one hand, there are women who 'demand' directly, and on the other hand, there are women who act as though they dont care about all this, but expect the world!

I think your husband is right, stay out of this.. but he has to step in. Ask him bluntly if he expects all these gifts.. if he really does, then tell him that you will gift your parents in what ever you can all the time.!! Good luck and enjoy ur pregnancy!

Mythili

 

First of all, relax. You are having twins Congrats.
I dont understand why your parents have to buy groceries for your inlaws and you. This is abuse and should not be taken lightly. Your husband should put a stop to this at once. I dont understand one thing -dont they have self-respect when they demand from your parents? If its a custom in your place then it may take sometime to stop this since its not common in my family and such things are quite unheard of.
I feel sorry tat you have to go thru this during such a time. If anybody has to open their mouth and still keep the relationship going its your husband's duty.

 

Reminds me of when we were getting ready for my son's upanayanam (thread ceremony) last year. There are a certain few things that the maternal grandparents have to do for the boy. My husband called my father up and told him that he did not want him to spend any money, and that if there were any unused silver plate or any of the other pooja items that were to be bought, my father should just get it polished and brought. My father insisted that he would not and that he had to do exactly as he did for the elder grandson. We kept quiet, but hubby was upset with them.

When the time came, and I was in India, the priest came home to tell us what all needed to be done. So FIL told him to give a list of things that my father needed to give. For this the priest said something that wanted me to fall at his feet. He said "Nothing HAS to be bought by the grandparents". He said that all grandparents bought things they wanted to give their grandchildren, and that what ever my parents gave they should accept without complaint.

When my parents arrived (about a week before the function), they showed everything to my inlaws. Immediately my MIL started comparing the silver plate with the plate my parents had bought for my nephew in 2008. My sister laughed when I told her because she said that my nephew's plate has been washed so much that she can't even remember whether or not there were any designs on them.

When these people decide to complain and compare, they will dredge up the oldest memory they can just so that there is something to criticize.

 

OP,

You can not do anything more other than IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE, which to be frank is tough !

There are people, who likes to brag what they got out of the girl's family, and unfortunately your MIL seems to fall under that category. In all honesty, we have many such customs to.. like "Aadi-seer", "Diwali-seer", "Pongal-seer" etc.. and girl's family is always in the giving end. It would have been better if these customs are curbed in initial stage, by saying from girl's side that they do not follow customs !

It is better to set the expectations right. Nothing is ever late, you could say now, that all these are supposed to be observed only on the first or first 3 yrs of married life etc, and ask your parents to convey that as your family tradition.

Ideally, your DH should have said that he does not like begging, and stop his Mom from such demands. If you can, ask your DH to stop his Mom

 

@Sheel...
next time when your MIL complains about poor clothes, tell her that "what to do, your son is so miserly that he doesn't buy clothes for me"...

Asking for things in the garb of traditions is BS.. is there any rule book or blue book of traditions??.. some old cow amongst relatives will be an expert on all these so-called traditions, and we religiously follow her.. for crying out loud, two to three centuries back we had the tradition of sati.. are we still following it.. NO..