Please Help -- Invalid Allegations -- Creepy Inlaws

Hi Ladies,

I am new to IL. Went through all the threads here in this forum. And felt that, this is really a blessing in disguise for me! .. So many of us,face sme issues after marriage. its same, and I noticed that Inlaws target our family(parents, sisters / brothers, uncles aunties etc) .. as they know that its our weak point. Although many of us to do it give back to them one-to-one, but it leaves scars so badly that we dont forget them till our end.
My mail is really tooo long to read, but just wanted to vent out and know suggesstions on this. I did speak to my mom n sister, but here i felt that getting abother opnion always helps deciding in such cases!

I am Sushma, 27yrs, got married 8 months back. Mine is a love marraige (intercaste). Me and my DH are in same organisation, byt his branch is in different city(Delhi) and mine is different (in mumbai).My parents were completely against it, as i am first one in my entire khandan to do a intercaste marriage and my dad being a kattar punju, never wanted any outsiter as his jamai. We are 3 sisters, elder one is married to a punju(a love marriage again n is in US)., youngest one has completed her masters recently(in australia).

When i wanted to get married to my DH, my sisters supported me alot! Although my di never wanted me to marry my DH, as she didnot trust him (coz she felt tht he has given all fake promises to me as guys do and will mak my life hell once i marry him), but still she helped me alott convincing my parents! .

During those 2 yrs of convicing my parents, my DH and my dad had lots of discussions on why my dad is against it, and me n my DH were always in stress due to all this(which is usual n natural). My Inlaws ewre not so clear about how we both are convincing my parents, as my DH never told them clearly the discussions so that they r not hurt by all those talks, but they said they are with us n accepted me. My inlaws did call up parents to convince, but ended in some heated arguments, and my mil insulted my father over phone, saying "aap abhi kyu natak kar rahe ho, badi beti ki bhi love marriage ki toh ab kya problem hai, aapki kiss baat ka ghamand hai itna!!" :bonkThis made my dad boil like anything and all the more against my marriage! I asked my DH not allow his parents convince my parents now, coz they will end up again in harsh arguments.

In last december, me and DH planned a surprise visit to my place wiht his parents to speak to my parents n convince them. In that, when reached near my house, I asked DH to make a call to my dad saying they hav to come to meet and want to know the way to our house. In this, my FIL got furious, as to why i havent informed my parents and why they have to call my father and speak at last min.(but we had discussed wi my inlaws abt this surprise visit nd still they got angry). Disucssions went fine, and my wedding was fixed on the date just after 60days.

There is a ceremony of rokka, which was done at my DH's house. In that, my saas gave my parents some shagun. My parents refused, as a daughters parents dono accept such things / gifts from the jamai's family. My mil, not even took a second chance to forcefully give them those shagun things, just turned from their chair, and banged those things in my hand, saying "tere mummy papa toh nai le rahe hain, toh tu hi lele!! (gusse mein)" shakehead and walked away! And everyone noticed it, and then later my DH's frnds changed the mood by cracking some jokes and diverting everyone from tht situation. I thought they have a ritual to gift and she felt bad. And made my parents understand and they did !

During those 2 month of preps, I was alone with my parents doing all running part for arrangements shopping, until my elder sister came one month before my marriage to help. I did all shopping from inlaws side as well for clothes. But I noticed, that whenever I went with my mil, for buying /collecting things from their side, she never paid conveyance fares. I ignored it, thinking I am d-i-l, so I shud do it.

Our wedding was done in punju rituals, as my dad had told his parents about it, and also had asked them, if they want to do any of their rituals in between, they can do it, my parents didnot have any objection on that. During the wedding days, my DH had some arguments over the rituals followed on his side, as he himself dint want to do(which upset his parents). The wedding was done properly. When i reached his home, then aarti and all was done, nd no other ritual / ceremony was done. When we returned from our honeymoon, my DH had to join back his office in delhi, and i was supposed to join after a week in mumbai. My sisters were supposed to leave after my wedding, so had spend some time with them as well, so i went to stay with them for 4 days before i joined my work. I was very hapy i will stay with my new family after marriage, as I was staying alone while wrking since 6yrs in bombay.

Things were fine for some time. I wanted to cook for my inlaws, but my mil said, as I am new, so just stand by with her in kitchen n see how she is cooking. But she never made brkfast for me. Only she used to give me a glass of milk while i used to leave for work. I used to hesitate to ask for smething to eat. Althought she used to say to cook something for myself of brkfast. But i used to hesitate. They used to keep pushing me to move with my dh sayin tht he is alone na doesnt have anything to eat, is alone. But i had to wait for boss to approve my transfer, so could not shift. I felt they r not liking me staying with them, as my dh didnot allow me to give any expenses for home and maybe that is making them upset. My mil used keep telling me about how much other proposals were there who were givign 5 lac / 10 lacs a dowry but my dh rejected all and got marrid to me. I simply ignore, but on the other hand asked dh if his parents were expecting any such thing n he said no they r not like tht. Another imp thing was, I am undergoing a treatment since last 4yrs. This is for the numbness kind of feeling on my face. The medicines for these are very strong(100mg), n I had to take them 2ce in a day, due to which I used to have a hangover for the entire day, and I used to feel too sleepy. I did inform about this to my mil and she didnot say anything. I used to ask my mil to go for movies on weekends as my DH was away n he used to ensure to take them to some place on weekends atleast once or twice in a month. But she clearly refused.
My inlaws bought a new car on Akshaya Tritiya. I was happy, that I can take my mil out on weekend, as she used to get bored for entire week staying at home, as we all(fil, bil and me) used to goto work.
But after getting the new car, I saw a change in my PILs. Thye avoided giving me the car to drive. Always praised my bil, that he drives good and used to give him to drive the car very often. But when I asked, they said "driver hai woh le jayega tumko". My mil started lying to me, that she travels in auto n buses to goto places like sidhivinayak and mahim church, whcih is tooo far from our house. Which was obvious that, my fil used to take the car for her. I used to feel bad, and used ask my fil / mil, how did u guys go? they used to lie. One day, my bhua saas came to meet me, as she didnot attend our weeding. I had to leave for Delhi the same night, as i had along weekedn and wanted to spend with my DH. Had to goto office to get some stuff, so asked the car. My mil said ask fil, else he will scold me. and when she said this, my DH was on call wid me. He heard this and he got angry, and wanted to fire his parents. But i stopped him to do so. Fil called me to take the car to the airport and asked my bil to accompany me, to get it back to home. But mil said a lie. I told the entire thing to DH, when i was with him. He didnot say anything as i asked him not to fight / argue with them, as it doesnt look good.

After 2weeks, when i came from wrk, my mil wasnt at hme. i asked my fil casually, where is she and how she has gone, as they used to send the driver back by 6.30 strictly. He got pissed off on this question of mine. When my mil came, he blasted me like anything! I was all alone. None of parents had ever shouted so badly on me ever(even if i had done blunder.. then too). He said, ur DH didnot give me car for my wrk. Nw god has given me power to have a car n driver. I will show tht to everyone now. Go n tell him to talk to on anything YOU in this house! If u want to stay here, you ave to stay as per my wishes and principles. Thats when i called my DH, while he shouting at me badly, made him hear all that, asked him to call my boss to move me immediately to his city. And he did that. In that argument, they jumped over my parents and threatened me that they will call my father and say everything abt me to him. I got confused why they r threatening me like that. wht is that thye want to say my father about ??? I hit them back to every stmt of theirs, as I donot beleive in keeping listening for no good reason, and not at fault. They were aloud and yelling that i dont cook, neither breakfast nor lunch nor dinner!! I was jsut bitting my fingers!! :ranthow can they even say that, when mil dint allow me to cook and even she was the one to say me this. Specially when they lied abt very small small things and i cannot withstand a lie, let it be my parents in their place. I started cooking for lunch, but they never ate it, either kept it in fridge n mil cooked smething else or gave it the maid or threw in dustbin. But i continued till the day i left for delhi.

I moved with my DH, and was just trying to forget tht thing, and my inlaws behavng with me lke that. We got a news tht i am expecting and its been a month of my preganacy. I had dual feelings. One side i was happy that i will be a mother, on the other hand i was upset, as we both were not stable. Monetary wise and we both had just started living with each other, and still needed time to understand each other more. Living habbits, eating habbits, culture etc things were still to be adjusted before the child to be there with us. I spoke to my DH, but he was happy, that he is giving his parents a chance to be happy by this baby's news. I got al the more upset, that he didnot undertsand my prob, but just thought abt his parents. My parents wud also hve been happy, but they knew I am not prepared. We had arguments on that, and it affected my health. I didnot go ahead for abortion, as somewhere i felt, I shudnt punish the child, who hasnt yet born. My DH in the meantime forced his mom n brother to visit us, as his mother was doing all natak that she is missing her and all that stuff!! I didnot object, as i thought he will b happy seeing her. When they came, I was not on talking terms with my DH, due to our arguments and issues. But i changed my mood. My mil started praising his son, that he learnt to manage house, household work. Not even once she said me that I maintained the house nicely etc. When she mt me at the airport, i looked pale, and i wasnt well. She didnt even come to help me to cook. My DH said her to make chicken and gulab jamuns, as he was longing to eat and she promptly said tht she will cook!! I felt bad, that when i had asked her to cook for me once, she dint cook it and now she dint even help me to cook, despite seeing tht m not well. Both brother went out for a drink and planned to come after an hr till the time the dinner was cooked. Ifinished wid cooking and sat in my room wid ac on and called mil to sit with me in ac as she cannot stay without it and it was hot! I was reverting to my official mails, and started feeling hungry. I asked her if she will eat with me. She said no, she would wait for her sons to eat and tht i can eat if i want to. I didnot bother, as i was supposed to eat and take medicines. I generally spoke to her abt my wrk schedule and cooking and how tired i be when ook after i come back from wrk. I spoke to her as i speak to my mom. she called my fil and told him tht there is good news expected from me (this she claimed later in the agrument on the other day).this was on day1. on day 2, i got up early, sevred tea to all. and started making the breakfast. then too she didnot help me. then i decided to cook the chicken and ask her to mke guab jamuns. She felt ofended, but made tht sweet. During that we just had a normal discussion abt her sisters bahu, is ill treating my masi saas. I had seen both my inlaws prefering to eat with their sons than me, so after cooking the lunch, i went to the parlour and asked my DH to serve meals to them and i will have my meals after i come back. But my DH kept roaming out just for the heck of that we all will have meals together.

We went out for a round to spend time and for dinner. My mil took a chance and taunted on my elder sisters past (abt her first marriage) on purpose, coz accoding to her, i taunted her for her sister's bahu. My DH and bil was not here when she told me this. I got pissed off and started saying her thigns indirectly as i knew she has done on purpose! when both of them came, she changed her tone absly, as if she was just discussing with me, and pissed me off more, and i left the dinner table and walked out of the restaurant, widout saying much to her and asked them tht i am w8ing out. I called my mom, as I dint like she saying this to me and was very very upset. My DH scolded his mother for doing that in my absence, she felt offended. He came out to calm me down, and asked me to be patient as I was pregnant and we had not told this to his parents or my parents. My dad called me that nite, to speak to my mil on this. But after hearing that, my dad is on call, she started yelling and screaming and crying, saying that wat kind of family is this and started doing all sort drama! i kept quiet and sat in my room. I dint goto speak or make her calm down. Then at the end she taunted my DH as well, saying that, "if she is tired even i be tired after working(where in she is a housewife only!!!). How she (me) say me all that crap abt being tired and not able to cook and all (all that i told her prev nite when DH n bil were out for a drink). you go n sleep, u have AC, you can sleep eaasily i need to sleep now else i wont get sleep, as in this rooms its very hot ". I understood, and before my DH could say, i said to get her in our room, put the mattress down for us n let my mil n bil sleep on our bed. But i dint speak to her at all. Next day morning, my dad called my fil, to speak. My fil said, tht he will handle all this and that he doesnt know anything. He called my mil here, and mil got more pissed off and again created a havoc in the morning. Started saying me, " jindagi jeene nai aati hai, toh jao bhaadd mein, mujhe kya karna hai .. khud k jaal mein khud hi fass jayegi ek din ". I was like what the hell and wat crap she is speaking! I asked my DH to make quiet, but she didnot listen n started crying (all natak). We left for work, under all that stress and tensions. After some time, I realised, someting is wrong related to my pregnancy. We wemt to the doctor for checkup and USG and she called it off!! I could not take tht and i yelled on my DH and his mother for behaving wid me like this and held his mother being responsible for it! I used to cook meals till the time left our place, and they used sleep in our room with us. After they left i was admitted to hospital for getting treated n my condition was too bad. When my mil said to my DH tht she is feeling guilty (again natak) and my DH said to her tht its all my fault and i dint want the child and i dint take care of myself ! this is wat he told to my mom as well when she came to visit me for few days, and i felt hurt, that was he really feeling responsible as a father for that unborn baby!!
After few weeks, i just tried to be normal as i knew, i will only have to take astep ahead to make my relation wrk with my hubby. I didnot think abt my inlaws at all. And we both became normal after speaking abt things to each other.

Recently, we both were called to mumbai for official wrk for 2 weeks. From which i was going tostay for 2 weeks and he had to go back after 10 dys. He wasnto comfortable leaving me with his parents, but we had no option. I told him tht i will goto my masi after u leave, as i dont want anymore disasters to happen. I didnot cook (as they used to throw my cooked food or didnot eat it at all), didnot speak to them (as everytime i spke to them being normal they fired me back with tht) and barely spent tiem with them (as they wanted their sons always wth them and not me). They felt offended and said my DH that i donot have manners. My dh didnot sy me this, but was simply tryong to make me spedn time with them forcefully. A day before he was supposed to leave, we both were going to my masi's place to meet them, as my parents were not in country n i was home sick. While on our way, my fil called my DH, saying my mil fainted n fell down and that she has got some mental disorder!!! :bonk. While returning back, i told dh to call and ask wat has happened exactly so that, we can take her to the doc accordingly and not to take her to her general physician, as he wud not know the exact reason. when dh called and asked, his father shouted and said u come home quickly and dh got angry on him and hungup. Then dh said me tht she is suffering from this since she came back from delhi, and is due to depression this happens to her. I said this is not depression. have seen ppl in depression and not ever hear this happening to anyone. We reached home n tuk her to hospital for checkup. Her BP has shooted a little, and she had her blood vertin levels gone down due to whcih she fainted. the doctor said tis is not depression but she stoped taking her medicins for vertin, thats why she fainted. AND My fil was just escaping from facing us, and my dh was wid me to speak to doctor as he doesnt understand anything abt all this. I know, as my sis is a pharmacist and i know smething abt medicines as well. That thing made clear tht there was NO MENTAL DISORDER!! :biglaugh I cooked meals for that nite and served them. Next day again i gotup early as she wasnt well, to cook meals for them. But as usual and again, mil said dont cook and that she will cook if fil comes for lunch. I told the same to my dh as he shudnt feel i dint do anything.

Then my dh lelft back for delhi, and i told him i will goto my aunts place so that they (pils) shudnt create any issues again. But he wa fine with and asked me to stay back so tht pils donot miunderstand. I went back home after wrk and my elder sis called me from US. It tuk me almost and hr to talk to her as we were talking after along long time. My pils started boiling, that i dont have manners to come back ask for food to them and that i am standing outside in society n talkin (where all ppl were talking a walk in the premises n was normal). My mil came out of the house and yelled at me to come inside. As soon i stepped inside my fil said either u change ur lifestyle or dont live here. i asked him politely, what is the issue. Then mil jumped over with screams saying "natak mat kar, sab samajhta hai tujhe fir bhi natak mat kar". and then again hit me on my parents, that they didnot teach me manners and they themselfs are mannerless. they way they spoke to my mil before marriage, ti showed them how mannerless my parents are. I gave them one to one answers as all crap they were speaking ab my khandan and everyone ! Then i packed my bags at 10.30 in the nite to leave for my aunts place and they stopped me. Then my fil said, I want to say smething. He said something that was disastrous. They said they used to push me to move wid my dh as they didnot trust him. they got us married only for one reason, as we both were sleeping before marriage!!! :rant I simply lost my cool and fired him like anything. They both said, he might be sleeping with other women there and we dont trust him. My fil said me, that sex is such a bad thing, if anyone is addicted to it, no one can stop himself. and that why were pushing u to go there. And we didnot want this marriage, but just because u guys did this, we agreed!!! I was spell bound for sec! and then he threatened me that he will say all this my father. I then didnot leave them and fired left right center for insulting me my marriage and my relation with my dh!!!
Witsend They held me responsible for my mil's so called "mental disorder" and said i insulted her by not giving her meals (where in i cooked eevrything n left for them to eat ) and locked her home when she was in delhi. wherein my bil used to take her out to see the city, as we were busy in wrk. They went to such limtis saying why did u get married when u were physically fit to bear a child and tumhe jaldi kyu thi. U shouldnt have got married. I said ask ur son, dont tell me anyting as he was aware abt all this. My mil was behaving kiddish, and calling dh to make him hear how i am tlaking to them, but didnot make him hear wat rubbish they spoke to me.!!! She called my bil also (who is in sme other city just to show how i am behaving with them).I was all alone! Could not speak to my parents or dh, or **** even shed a tear, so that feel am becoming weak. My mil got provoked so many times to hit me, and then i told, that if she even touches me, will call the police for harassing me for dowry. For the car issue that thy did earlier, she clearly told, that we will not give it to u.. as u havent bought anything in dowry!!! All crap they were saying, and they fought with me till 4 in the morning. They blamed my mom for interfering in their house, where in my mom had called my mil to ask abt their savitri fast, as i was having my periods and i could perform pooja. So my mom wanted to ask abt doing pooja and the vidhi, which she said to my dh tht my mother is interfering!!They said all possible rubbish and shameless things they cud say me abt my family my relation with dh. My fil kept on saying, if u feel like calling us to ur house we will come, and u feel like giving us respect we will come else we wont come. watever u did with us, ur kids will do same with u! to add over it my mil screamed! saying .." mein toh iski shakal bhi nai dekhungi zindagi bhar!!" and i said "even i am not intrested to see ur liar face" and went to my room and locked it.

I cudnt sleep for rest of the time. got up at 6 in the moirning and got ready with all my luggage and came out of the room to leave the house at 6.30. My fil opened the door for me to get out ans said "Better improve youself!! and then come back" and i in return told him "Same to you too!!" and slammed the door. In that condition with all my luggage went to office and my office staff was zapped to see me like this.
Just could control and called my younger sis in australia as my parents were with her nad burst out in tears and told her everything! and she said all to my parents.

Now the problem is, I donot know how to handle further. I am clear i am not going back to them anytime. As they never even asked a glass of water to me or my dh, but they used serve more to their maid n driver with meals n tea n snaks etcs things as cmpared to a newly wedded bride n their OWN son. After insulting my entire khandan n my marriage itself, there is no doubt abt it. But my mil has again started taking emotional advantage of my dh, saying tht we love u alot and why dont u talk to us. It was our first diwali and no one even called us once to home for celebrating it. My mil is no acting smart infront of my dh by buying gifts for karwachauth n diwali for me and saying its good she kept krwachauth as she hadnt kept savitri fast for u.

I dont know how to handle all this. I am totally messed up with this. I dont know whether I was right / wrong. I dont want to pull my dh away from his parents as i understand the importance of parents. at the same time i dont want him to again go into tht emotional drama of their and fall a pray again. :confused2:

Please help in understanding and making a right move in this situation.

Thanks alot for reading the mail.
Regards
Sushma

 

Re: Please Help -- Invalid Elegations -- Creepy Inlaws

Hi L,

I am with my dh currently. This happened just last month i.e september. He is not happy with wat they told, and very much zapped with all they said about our marriage. He absly didnot expect them to be this way.

HE said he doesnt feel like going back to them, as he himself feels alot of biasedness in their behaviour with him and his brother (although both brothers are attached).

He didnot speak to them, until my mil started troubling my bil, that my dh doesnt speak to her and used to cry. So to avoid my bil being tensed, as he is just 22yrs old, and doesnt understand this much. he speaks to his mom only. His father doesnt call him at all nor does he.


Regards
Sushma

 

Re: Please Help -- Invalid Elegations -- Creepy Inlaws

Hi Lilly,

Thanks for the suggestion.

By escaltion to higher level, if you mean till my parents, its already done. And my parents have not liked the way they have told all these things to me. Also, my inlaws have caught hold of me, ONLY when my dh or my bil was not at home / around.

By approaching towards them, and getting on talking terms would take alot of time for me, as after their allegations on my relation with my dh before marriage, I felt as if staying away from family was my fault and that, they can go till any extent to let me down.

Even if go ahead and speak to them, I am sure that they will come up with something else, with some different issue, as they have not liked me, which they clearly told to my dh as well.

Being termed as mannerless is what i felt bad initially, but then i understood, that for a girl, her parents and her frnds can know how she is. My inlaws told me bluntly, that its their right to insult me and my parents and family / khandan, as they are my inlaws, which i donot agree. Being inlaws donot give them powers to insult anyone whom they donot know and dont even want to know.

Despite of me being good, after forgetting all the things before last month's incident, still i found them not comfortable with me present around them. They pretend to be good with me infront of my dh, but when he is not present, they dont even bother to speak to me.

Thats the reason, I am confused, what to do and how to handle this.

Regards
Sushma

 

Thank you all, for all the advices / suggestions ...

Here are few things would like say ....
When we were going through issues for convincing my dad, then my dh's parents never even expressed their disagreement even once for this marriage, and always showed positve signs for me and that too pleasingly. So I was not aware about their disagreement for our marraige. I came to only last month, when all tht happened and my fil told me about it.
My mil used to gime breakfast initially as I was new, and used to say that I wont be able to do it, and she used to do it for me. Just for one reason, I allowed her to do it for a month max.. but later when i wanted to do things for them, she didnot allow, saying that she will do it, and let me do it later some other time. I did say her, let me cook for myself or at times for them, else I would not understand their taste etc things, but she tactfully used to escape from saying a YES to me and pretend infront of all saying that she still has to do the cooking part. I never expected her to serve me a breakfast on daily basis, as mils dont do it and m aware about that. I used cook at times, breakfast n meals, but the meals cooked for lunch used to be in d fridge until I used to notice and then ask them if they wanted to eat or my mil used to give it to the maid. Seeing all this, still i didnot complain to my dh, but kept on cooking. But my PILs portrayed a wrong picture infront of my dh, that i dont cook for them. My dh supported me for all those rubbish things.
Regarding the car issue, I have been travelling by auto daily. It was just that, I wanted it hardly for getting some of my things, and i asked for it. I am not dependent on their car, and for that matter not even my dh's car, for me to go to any place. My fil uses tht car for his offical wrk, but very often he gives it to my bil. I knew that they wud not allow me using their car always, but i wanted only once and that too was an emergency. I was never obsessed with the car. But anyways... they had to fire me back for a car like small issue, they did it.
My dh had asked my fil for his car for to use, whenever we went to mumbai either for a holiday or for official work, but my fil has bluntly told my dh to get a cab for his use and my fil wud not give his car. But on the other end, he provides everyhting to my bil, infact drops him to the other city as well where he works. My dh had expectations for tht coz he had served them like anything and for everything. He never let them travel in buses /autos / cabs in any city in india, as he used to get cars arranged for their use.
When I was pregnant, I was given some diet & medicines by my doc, which i followed religiously. I didnot take a chance to miss out on anything for that matter. But when my mil came to visit us, she did say my fil, after seeing me at the airport, that there is some good news expected (which my fil said to me the other day as well), and she still didnot bother to stop her misunderstandings and bitter words. When she was all in anger and just kept on venting out her ego, I was quiet, which made her more furious and she didnot stop but kept on speaking rubbish abt my parents n family.
I stopped speaking to them normally, as my mil created big issues even i used to tell her abt my work schedules n wrk related issues and how much i feel tired after coming back from wrk. But spoke to them for whatever they were talking to me like for having food, going or coming from any place except my probs or my health or my daily routinal things. They felt offended and said that i am mannerless and then when my dh left back for delhi, they fired again in his absence.
If we had any sort of hints about their unwillingness, me and my dh would have taken some other step atleast, so that things would not have gone till this extent. My mil serves breakfast to everyone in the house, except my dh. She server the breakfast to my bil and fil on table, and says that my dh doesnt want to eat so she is not made anything for him. Even he is hungry, he says NO. Agreed now we r married and I need to take care abt his meals and all, but when am at my parents place, still she doesnt serve him properly. This has made him all the more upset and doesnt feel like being with them.

Sorry for such a long mail again ... thanks alot for all you suggestions and replies ...

Regards
Sushma