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Please Advise Me What Should I Do?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by priyasri15, Apr 28, 2018.

  1. priyasri15

    priyasri15 Senior IL'ite

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    Hello ladies,

    I’m here to ask you all a very wise suggestion on how to deal with the problem I’m currently facing in my life. I’m married (arranged) and currently studying my MS in US. I’m staying alone in the northeast of US and my husband is also in US on his H1B but in another city. It’s a forced marriage for my husband and until this day he is not interested in me.

    Year 2013 – 2016: Prior to our marriage, he was in love with a woman (a divorcee) for three years (lived together). My husband fought so much against his parents for their acceptance to marry her but they declined bcz she was a divorcee. But when my husband lost his job she called it quits and began a relationship with my husband’s best friend. Later that guy (my husband’s friend) got married to a girl his family chose and left this girl. But I heard from my husband that, that guy got married to a woman who weighs 80kg and came with a lot of dowry (that is why he accepted to marry her). As that guy was not very happy with his wife’s looks, he did not take her to US immediately and continued to sleep with this girl for almost one year until his wife’s family forced to take his wife to the US. At the end, as the wife came to the US, this guy left this girl and eventually she was single, lonely and depressed. My husband’s separation from his ex happened mid 2016 and our marriage happened beginning of 2017. My husband had no time to recover from his past and he rushed into our marriage.

    Year 2017: As this girl was alone, she started texting my husband three months prior to our marriage saying she regrets ditching him. She had pleaded my husband so much to take her back, but my husband has lost trust in her loyalty and decided to go blindly after his family’s choice for him (me). After I got married and went to US, he told all the above story that happened in detail to me. I felt bad for him and wanted to be by him as the strong woman he deserves for. However, here is the problem that started happening. This girl knew it’s a forced marriage for my husband and he doesn’t like me so much bcz of my weight issue. She continued talking to my husband even after our marriage uncontrollably and they even met for lunch often during office hours (my husband himself confessed these to me). This girl laughs at me for my weight issues and that I don’t earn and I’m a student (I read the messages from her on my husband’s phone when he was sleeping). All these happened in the first 2 months I was with my husband. He used to hate me and say that I’m not like his ex openly (looks and earning capacity). All her conversations with my husband were about how I’m not so good for him (earning and weight issues) and how she is good at both. Almost those 2 months it was hell bcz of her interference. She used to constantly call and text my husband even after our marriage. I fought a lot about this with my husband and he used to be very numb and one day he cried to me that it’s a forced marriage for him and he don’t like me bcz I’m very plump (68kg) and doesn’t look appealing. But he clearly said that, this doesn’t mean he likes his ex and wish to live with her, but its just that he is not happy with the way I look as his wife and so cant develop genuine love for me. He boldly said he is not attracted to me and trying his best to change his views and build a rship with me. I started studying in US and was only for four months with my husband in the same house last year. In that first 2 months, he never spent time with me or even came and sat next to me. We only went out together every week for grocery shopping and nothing beyond that. In the next two months, his mom came to US tried her best to separate me and my husband. His mom is very possessive about her son and doesn’t like me at all (God only knows the reasons – as she behaves like the typical cruel mil). In those two months as my husband and myself were already living in a studio apartment with his mother, there was no privacy neither a private moment to even talk to him one line. His mom used to scold me that my parents dint even give dowry to meet my expenses until I find a job in US. My tuition fees and living expenses are paid by my father. But his mom expect that bcz her son has taken a separate flat to live with me (earlier he shared a two bedroom flat with his male colleague), my parents are liable to pay 50% rent for that studio flat and also for my expenses when I stay with my husband. She doesn’t like her son spending his money for our rent and food. Once my bank card was stuck in ATM and I was in an urgency to buy a book for my exam. My husband ordered that on amazon and his mom made it as a big issue and scolded me. Later I gave that money to my husband in front of her. So, in 2017 I only spent 4 months with my husband in the same house without any love. Sometimes he used to scold his mom back if she scolds me, but sometimes he stays numb.

    2018: I’m in my second year of my MS. I heard from my husband that his ex is going to marry someone she met on divorce matrimony, who also lives in the same city. He also said that his ex and the new guy have started living together and are seriously considering to marry. But here is the catch, this girl has not told to her fiancé about her past activities of sleeping with many men including deceiving her ex bf. I was delighted that finally my husband is going to move on and my prayers are coming fruitful. As she told to my husband that she is going to marry someone, my husband did not talk to her often as she did. But when this girl is away from US (she was in Singapore recently for a month on-site trip) and she has talked to my husband almost every day on skype (their conversation is almost 30 mins to max 1-2 hours, I have my husband’s skype pw and I logged in to find these details every day). She texts him there that she landed in Singapore, she is again starting from Singapore – like these minute to minute details. She shares everything with my husband. In fact she had slept with a colleague in Singapore on her business trip and had even shared this with my husband in text on skype. Althrough I see that she shares everything with my husband and my husband did not flirt with her in his replies at all. I feel very bad for the guy who is going to marry her as she is not loyal to him. But these days with her frequency in talking to my husband is much more in her fiancé’s absence and this is bothering me. She knew my husband is not moved on from her and doesn’t like me and I feel she is conveniently playing with his emotions.

    Now I really want a wise suggestion from you ladies. Is it a good idea to contact the guy she is going to marry and tell everything about her? (sometimes I feel to save this guy). Other times I fear my husband. Or is it okay to gently tell this guy that his fiancé is constantly disturbing my marriage (without revealing her past and Singapore details to him)? What should I do for that woman to stop talking to my husband? I clearly found that unless she initiates conversation, my husband never approaches talking to her. If she initiates, then he gets along and talks for too long. And her messages are all about how pity my husband is for marrying me and sex starved but how happy she is by finding someone right and still managing to sleep with other men without the fiance’s notion. I have asked my husband many times to stop talking to her and he says he doesn’t have any feelings towards her and that even in his wildest dream he wont think of marrying her for what she is. But bcz they spent three years together and its his first and only rship before marriage I think he is not able to stop talking to her. Please suggest me ladies. I really cannot concentrate on my studies and its hell to watch all this.
     
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  2. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel that you need not to do anything for that fiance of the girl. The problem is not that girl. The problem is your husband's dislike towards you. This you can change only by improving yourself. No one is perfect but there are things that we can do to improve. Like as you said you are overweight then can you try to lose it slowly. Then take a check on your dressing sense and other personality related issues. It may or may not change your husband's behavior towards you but you can atleast be more confident and will not feel low with all these things. You are doing MS which is not an easy task. After that you will be able to earn a lot and your non earning issue will be resolved. For your mil i would suggest you not to think much about it as all ILS are like that. Not everyone is lucky to have good and mature ILS. Just be confident and do your studies.
     
    dimple7, BhumiBabe, ratan and 2 others like this.
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Do not contact anyone about the other woman. That's their problem. Work on finishing your education and improving your appearance, but for your own sake. Not for your husband. You will become more confident once you have a job. But please do not rush to have children until you are sure your marriage is on firm ground.
     
    amunique, dimple7 and Rosey2018 like this.
  4. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Please grant these clowns, (husband, ex and Mil) their desire. Complete your MS, find a job and dump their collective arses. None of them deserve you, your selfish excuse of a husband least of all. If you think things will get better then think again. Your husband is in no hurry to get over his ex. Your weight and the rest are just excuses. They will suck every ounce of self respect and self worth from you by the time they are done with you. A year is nothing in the context of a lifetime. Cut your losses and breathe free.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2018
  5. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Gold IL'ite

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    You are a strong person, continue to be that.
    Finish MS, land on a job. Till then think you're not married, you enjoy student Life.
    Try to keep these marriage related thoughts untill you get job.
    Your mil- forget , never call her.
    Your husband's ex - they are totally not related, so don't bother.
    Your husband - talk to him like a friend
    How can he be so rude? To tell you about weight, didn't have eyes before marrying you? What if one gains weight post marriage.
    Keep all these clutters at Bay, concsconcen on good cgpa. All the best
     
    dimple7, BhumiBabe, shravs3 and 3 others like this.
  6. Rosey2018

    Rosey2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    Girl, why are you in this marriage? Get out of it immediately you dont need to be treated like trash by him or her. How care he criticize your weight or looks. Why is he impressed by her income. Does he enjoy living off a womens money? He should be ashamed of himself. Honestly I cant get over how he'd still talk to her if she started a relationship with his best friend. How disgusting.

    But honestly speaking, he does speak up for you infront of his mother. So he does care. But if I was in your situation and he always criticised my weight, I'm sure it would hurt me. I'd sit down with him and tell him look you're not happy and I'm not happy either, I'm doing the best I can but if you want feel free to separate/divorce me' because its not healthy for both of you. You're not getting any love. He's not helping you be attractive for him (I'm sure you're trying). How long is this going to carry on.

    Why is he still talking to her? She's going to be someone else's wife. Would he like it if someone was listening to his would be wife's sexual escapades? Why would he even involve himself talking to someone like that? Life's so precious. Why waste time with scum.

    Hmm ask him for a separation/divorce and just to get your own back on that filth...I was going to say tell her fiance. However, here's a better plan. Dont tell him. Let her marry him and watch what happens. Karma at its best and have faith in God. Hopefully once she's married, hubby will stop talking to her. Then sit him down and ask for a separation/divorce because you both cant keep living your life like this. He might find someone he wants and you will find who you want. He should have been honest from the start and respected you, the relationship as well as himself. Why marry someone who has no shame or no self respect?
     
  7. Rosey2018

    Rosey2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    Vedhavalli I love your post. Only if I could double, triple like it :clap2:
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Op, he don't deserve you.
    So be practical. Completely focus your energy on your MS Program. Get a job with independent visa status.

    Be independent in all aspects including financial. Then seriously think about dumbing him. Inform your parents about everything Then. Any way you have to decide what you want. If you decide to continue, be ready to face more challenges.

    You deserve a better life and better person. It is very difficult to continue in a marriage without self respect.You are beautiful the way you are. He was not blind when he saw you. Now he is finding excuses. Don't give any importance. He may be feeling guilty. So he is trying to put you down so that it will create a feeling in you that the problem is with you. Please don't fall into that trap.

    If his attitude change once you get job then it clearly indicate he likes money not you. So be careful.

    Take care of yourself well. If you think you are over weight, try to work on it. It has nothing to do with this marriage

    If he say you are not good , you can also tell him he is also not good looking. Kick at his ego. We don't know whether his ex will come back again or he will go for EMA again. Why you should be the victim of loveless and respectless marriage? It will be a painful and steessful journey. Please dont bring a kid now. Forget about every one now. Focus on your own life . Your dh may be thinking that you will continue like this for ever. As long as he continue thinking about his ex he will never find you attractive or be able to love you like a wife. Follow your mind. Plan well
    Only you can change your life. Move on
    Take care
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2018
    PReniRG, dimple7, shravs3 and 4 others like this.
  9. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Wonder how would he react if the situation was reversed .. if you are friendly with your ex n he criticised about your hubbys looks n earning.. you should ask him that.

    He supported you a few times with mil - good
    He has no interest in his ex - good

    It's rude to criticise about your looks n earning like that
    - looks n money keeps changing in our lifetime
    - how can love change according to body weight n money ?
    - So you can leave him if he becomes fat or ugly or loses a job or breaks something ?
    Continuing to talk to the ex - bad
    He has no interest in you either - bad
    Why doesn't he stop the ex when she starts talking bad about you ? Even a "don't talk about it" is a good start. He may have any problem with you, but his ex doesn't have any rights to criticise you.

    Guess he has a strong soft corner for her since no one generally talks after getting dumped like that, moved on to his best friend during his down time.

    Would strongly suggest not to initiate any conversation with the fiancé, it might only complicate your life even further. Who she sleeps with or doesn't is no one else's concern. It may / may not become her fiancés problem once he becomes her husband.

    Ma in law - that's how many of them are. Major ignore is the rule here.

    Your primary focus should be currently on your studies, coming out of it with great scores n bagging a good job is the way to go.

    Since you are away from each other, start developing a friendship, don't bother about her n use this time to get to know each other, msging, chatting, talking.

    Then if you want to, get a job in the same city, move back to the house, work on your marriage n you both as a couple n figure out together.

    Better to not have kids till you both are sure about your relationship n start feeling some kinda love for each other.
     
    dimple7, NeetaR and priyasri15 like this.
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Living in different cities is due to what? You moved to study MS in another city? He had to move to another city for job?

    If it is an arranged marriage, and you were the family's choice for him, why is she trying to separate you both? Demands for money etc are typical asinine in-law behavior, but if they forced him to marry you over a divorcee, why is she bringing distance between you guys?

    He supported you some times and confronted his mom. He was bold and candid enough to say that he is not attracted to you (yet?) and trying his best to change his views and build a relationship with you. Then, why the living apart? Living apart when marriage needs so much work doesn't make sense. Your education and starting to earn are important for you and for the marriage, but living together gets priority, no?

    Like others have said, the marriage is not worth salvaging. Cut your losses. He is quite clear and consistent about his stance -- not going to marry her or have a physical relationship, but the three years of living together and their history means they will never stop communicating. Such communication which will continue even if/when she gets married is an enemy you cannot defeat to a satisfactory level. Add to it an interfering MIL.

    Plan well. Get what you want, complete your degree, leave him, get whatever money you can, and move on.

    Did you know before the wedding about his live-in relationship and that he is being forced into the marriage?
     
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