Please Advise Me On What's Bothering My Husband.

@to all of you,
my heartiest thanks for being there for me again. To answer most of your queries:
I haven't really told A-Z to my parents about all that had happened between us after marriage. Especially my parents are totally unaware of the sick comparisons that my H did. Had they known, I'm sure my parents would be very much convinced to get me out of the marriage. And moreover, they have no clue about the physical abuse in detail as I have described in here. All they heard from my H when he phoned my dad was I was just slapped on my face (his parents know to the level you all know here). My dad has totally lost his affection and respect towards my H with what he heard on the phone. My dad keeps whining about the lack of respect my H has towards me for being money minded and asking 50-50 on dot, for slapping me and above all for sending me out of the house late in the night at 11:30. I have not disclosed most of the events to my family only because we were all entirely focused and badly stressed out about my mom's health. So there was no room for me to call them up and tell I'm living in hell. The only choice I had was to wait and see if my H will begin to accept the r'ship and start being a nice human and for the same reason I decided to give him the chance and went back when he called me again. Moreover, from the beginning I never had the urge to call my parents and tell about the issues also out of concern for my husband. I want him to be a well respected man among my family members and for that I tried my best to hide the issues from them.

I want to give my parents some more time to know about all that I went through as I really believe they deserve some peace for now. I was able to discuss about this to some length with my mom last night without going into details. I only pointed to her about his money-minded mentality and insensitivity towards me in most matters. She advised me to be focused on my PhD, finish it, get a job and be financially sound and independent first. And she asked me to give some time and space for him to see if he will reflect on all that had happened between us, and understand what went wrong and where. She thinks as there is no emotional connectivity for him towards me, he should probably need more time on himself to see if he really needs this r'ship. So the priority is to be focused on studies, and prepare for job-readiness. My mom doesn't want me to rush into a divorce ASAP only because the frequent court visits and their family dramas might affect my last year of PhD now. And she also holds some soft corner on my H yet and thinks he should be left alone for some time. I am hoping to submit my thesis by next Feb/March, exactly a year from now. And I am also increasingly convinced that his mom will go to any extent to ruin my life if I decide to file for a divorce now. I can no longer withstand her crass talks even for a second.

I honestly admit, I have a very strong sense of pity towards my H for his past. I can't imagine how as a human he was able to tolerate that his ex slept with one of his good friends. Dwelling into that he also fell ill for months and also lost his full time job. He overcame all that and was married to me after a year from their separation. There were many incidents when he had abused her to me, and even said she is the worst person he knows on the Earth. Yet, there is some strong unclear emotional quotient towards her (very unstable emotions, I agree). He had spent most of his savings, nearly 15000$ on her. He has bought a lot of luxurious items and had given cash whenever she asked for. After being blindly with her and being cheated, he is unable to believe any woman which he himself admits openly. At times he had told me openly that he is unable to bring trust on me only bcz his past fears keep coming in front of him. So during such times I honestly develop soft corner for him. But having been with him for some months, I have also felt real love for him during our rare good times. And those rare good moments make me yearn for more such times and eventually I end up convincing myself that let's give more time as it's too early to decide. And I also have this very strongly written into my head- his mom is poisoning his mind. Even if he does something for me out of love, she tries her best to stop him with her orders. If he doesn't listen to her, she immediately tells him that why spend on her without knowing if she will be with you forever or leave you exploited like your ex. When such statements get into his mind, my H gets jigged up. I understand physical abuse is not justifiable but I am just waiting to see if there will be any changes in him going fwd. If he doesn't understand the seriousness of the marriage in the meantime I think I will also be able to walk away without any regrets. I am already convinced that I have done everything beyond my capacity to make this marriage work. I see marriage as a serious business. I believe in God and I truly believe God arranged this marriage for some reasons. Whether it is to make me a strong person or to make us live destined to each other forever God only knows.

 

@penpaal no, im not pregnant. I don't have the trust and courage yet to get pregnant by him either.

 

@chocolate thanks for writing again to me. As much you think there is no hope, I have equally lost hope on him too. I have spent at least three months with him under one common roof and he still claims that he has no emotional feelings towards me and he believes it will just get build up in the process when we forget all that had happened and live together. He says it will usually take him a very long time to trust a person out of the fears from his past. If at all I consider that as a justifiable reason, I do understand that there is lack of empathy and respect towards me. While this was enough to act as the driving factors for me to ask for divorce, he started getting better after his mom's arrival. The more he saw her being rude at me, the more he started caring for me even in front of her. There were times when he gave her verbally back when she yelled at me. There were times he spent an hour on the phone arguing with his parents, as why he is not supposed to spend money/time for me. These incidents gave me some ray of hope at the end of the tunnel. While i also think that it maybe empathy and not love towards me when his mom was the villain, I at least saw the nicer version of him. With that hope, I have left the US.
So @chocolate kindly voice your opinion on this, is it good to wait until a year to see if he will be a better person? I really believe this is the very last chance I'm going to allow. In the meantime i can also concentrate on my studies and finish it. If at all I run for the divorce, I'm sure his mom will make unnecessary issues that may hinder my studies. If he continues to be the same even after a year, I am sure I will be ready to walk without any regrets. If this appeals you, and others, I would be very pleased if you all could advise me on how to proceed with him and inlaws for the next one year. And yes, I won't be visiting him in the US, at least until I get a job there.

Thank you all for giving me immense strength and clarity. May God bless you all.

 

@madras2018 I pretty clearly understand each and every word that you have nailed hard into my head. Absolutely, anybody who is standing in front of me would have thought of the same. In fact, my H himself had told that anybody in my place would have ran away and he doesn't understand for what reasons I'm adamantly staying there. I had to stay back in the US, only for these reasons.
1. I didn't want to run home and cause more stress to my family when my mom was falsely diagnosed as being critically ill. I had no other option other than staying back in the US and hoping to see if there will be a miracle happening. I went to the US mid oct and had my return ticket booked for mid Jan as I was to going to give my exams in Feb. I thought of grinding my teeth and staying there until mid Jan and not rush to India and cause more mental agony to my family.
2. The only set of people who were of a great help to me in those times were his own friends and their families in the US. They ran to our place for help whenever needed and there were kind hearted ladies who comforted me and gave me the assurance that their husbands will talk to my H and try their best to resolve the issues. While everybody works full time there were times when they spent resolving conflicts at our place until midnight. They were my biggest hope and support in the whole world while I was facing all this and they thought if I stay back until Jan, things might be getting better. But none of us expected that he would call his mom. Though everybody literally pleased him to not call her, he did because he felt he couldn't be with me alone in the house. As our honeymoon trip to New York was booked in Dec, it was everybody's hope that the trip might improve the r'ship level. Equally, I wanted to give the last shot of saving the marriage for good and decided to stay until my scheduled return.
3. Honestly, I was battling each and everyday to see if there will be any miracle in our lives. My H and I were going through a lot until mid Dec and after NY trip we were getting better. He started respecting and caring for me. There was an incident when I was asked to vacuum the entire house on pongal day and he took the vacuum cleaner away from me to do the job. While his mom screamed at me for making her son do the work, he literally gave her back as he is supposed to share duties and doesn't want to be stereotyped men. That came in as a sweet surprise for me. These incidents started convincing me to be there to try if the marriage will work. I had a deadline in me, if there are absolutely no changes until I leave, I'm definitely walking away forever.