1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice

Past : Able To Forget But Still Not Forgive

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by abc00, Nov 24, 2019.

  1. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    509
    Likes Received:
    452
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    The excess baggage from the past is haunting me sometimes and affecting my present.

    Background: Love marriage- tough time to convince inlaws but they finally agreed. We were in USA initially and had to go back during my pregnancy. At this time MIL would not give me food/delay my eating saying SIL should eat first/stop me getting food from outside....so on relating to me staying hungry. Hubby knew about this but did not stand up for me and so is the FIL. Later when BIL got married (arranged marriage) MIL since then talks sweetly to co-sister and her parents.

    Fast forward to this date. I'm dealing with this innermost thoughts now and would like to get some inputs from others here.

    Inlaws recently visited us and hubby asked/ordered me not to dig into the past and treat his parents well. I did this keeping their age in mind and didnt want them to return with bitter memories.MIL sinned in the past by not giving food to a pregnant woman. This haunts me so much I cannot forgive her or SIL (as she was also a party to it). During their recent visit, had my MIL been nice to me or my kids by her behavior, I would have let go of the past. But nothing happened. They had a gala time eating,visiting places etc. Hubby was ok if I didnt tag with them. All he wanted was his parents should be happy. SIL visited after some days and same routine continued. I was a silent spectator though I had that undercurrent going on in my mind. After they left (happily), my rage started with hubby that how come he did not support me then or now. I'm feeling that I was not given my due share of respect/love then or now. Co-sister keeps posting pics of her daughter spending time with my inlaws in various social media. I have disabled from all such accounts for my peace of mind. I have been watching videos on self -help but in vain. Maybe my expectation is that the two ladies should explicitly say sorry to me, only then this agitation would come to an end. But this is far from reality. Firstly, they do not believe that they did a wrong thing and secondly they have my hubby's support as he stands up for them. Some days, I feel like conferencing both ladies in one call and demand an apology but if I do that it will affect my marriage.

    I dont want to be 'mahaan' by projecting a calm self while agitated inside. I believe that hubby can sort this by being with me on the same page now by atleast agreeing to his people's mistakes and helping me out to come out of this. Whenever this topic comes up, he gets defensive and says nobody in this world can pacify me because I'm making it up.

    I work hard at my job and try to keep myself engaged by trying out new things, cooking healthy food, going for workout and passing some certifications to update my subject knowledge. Ok nothing is appreciated by hubby - he says you are good which goes without saying. I dont want him to take me for granted.

    My question is when and how will his people know about their mistakes? Who will do that and will I be able to see their reformed version anytime or just continue with that bitterness ?

    Please share your inputs.
     
    Loading...

  2. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,391
    Likes Received:
    2,608
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Exactly my story OP. I’m keen on hearing others thoughts on this. My MIL will absolutely never apologise. She never apologised to anyone ever in her life! Although my husband backs me 100% now and has said several times that he lost respect for his parents because of how they treated/still treat me, he continues to behave normally with them and never angry on my behalf. I can never forgive them but It helps to some extent that we live abroad.
     
    sandhya2020, MalStrom and Sreevidyaa like this.
  3. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    509
    Likes Received:
    452
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    @tulipzz thanks for your reply. My take on your situation is you should look at it positively. You said your hubby backs up 100 % now which will/should be a big solace to you. You should keep this point always in your mind as a blessing which will help you move forward and reduce your bitterness to a large extent.

    We too live abroad but whether here or there or any place on the earth, my hubby will act like a 'kavach' so I'm still struggling. Twenty years is a big time. I find it very challenging and dealing with this self-identity crisis that how can I not forgive them inspite of being so kind-hearted. I think of getting some counselling/help but again stop myself saying that why should I take the medicine when someone else is ill ?

    I have faith in my God that someday I will find closure for this.
     
  4. Sreevidyaa

    Sreevidyaa New IL'ite

    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    7
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    From my experience and understanding people will not come forth to apologise or accept their mistakes. Husband will always have that soft corner for their families even after many years. Maybe they won’t even believe that they had been at fault.

    So closure for us is not going to happen if we expect in laws to regret. So for me closure comes only from moving away from the triggers and focussing elsewhere. It’s the only way to find peace.
     
    sandhya2020, yesican and Amulet like this.
  5. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,737
    Likes Received:
    4,473
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Confused by the title of thread . If “able to forget” is real, then the question would be “forgive what?”

    The more common condition is “able to forgive, but not forget”. More often than not, “forgive” is used in a very broad sense, when we tolerate misery, because of various reasons, known only to each of us.

    The answer to your qwestion “when and how will his people know about their mistakes?” has to come from him. And when you don’t foresee any hope of that, it is best to forgive and move on holding on to whatever redeeming things that you have in life.

    you are right about counseling; whoever is more agitated, bothered, and troubled by what is going on — is the one who must go to counseling. However, the notion
    if said out loud to yourself everytime you feel troubled by recollections of the wrongs done to you, would be much easier to do, and certainly much cheaper.

    happy holidays.
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2019
    yesican likes this.
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,205
    Likes Received:
    3,795
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    OP, you should forget about getting any apology from your MIL and SIL. They believe they did nothing wrong and they will simply gaslight you if you try to bring it up.
    The main culprit here is your husband. He needs to come to a realization on his own. In the meantime it is not healthy for you to hold on to so much rage. I would start seeing a therapist so you can vent your feelings and get some coping mechanisms.
    And start doing things for yourself without looking for appreciation from those who don’t value your efforts. Do what is needed and what you want for yourself and your children but there is no need to make any extra effort for your husband and in-laws. Just treat them with the politeness you would accord to strangers.
     
    BhumiBabe and yesican like this.
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    9,735
    Likes Received:
    24,042
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Think of the times when you were young and head over heels in love with each other... the "sweetheart" chocolate wrappers you saved because he gave you the chocolates, the romantic songs in antakshari he sang just for you,meeting secret-secret at the bus stop, letting the buses go by so you got more time together ... the movies you grew up watching together ...

    He is still the same man. Most probably your kid is in college or older. Life has been kind to you. Forgive him. : ) Bechaara.. He got to choose you... he had no choice in mother or sister ka choice. Jaane do.
     
  8. cutepoojitha

    cutepoojitha Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    40
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello Op,

    You forgive others for your peace not for others

    I will tell you my personal experience, i had forgiven my MIL, hope after seeing this you will forgive your MIL too

    My MIL is very orthodox and ours is a traditional Indian wedding, she has lot of expectations from my parents and she has no girl child, she feels proud about it.

    During our marriage she is not at all satisfied with gifts, and she nagged me many times , after marriage i have moved to USA and I have very good career back in india and USA.

    I turned preg soon here, when I was in my 7 th month, her nagging is back , asked to perform never ending rituals from my family, my family was struck in much bigger problems there then(ill health of their parents) though i can fund them to perform every thing, they have no time attending medical needs of their parents ( which I am not aware due to my preg, not to upset me they kept every thing under wraps)

    I dont have any brother( i have no self pity over it), she is dissatisfied with that fact, so she want my cousins to perform what a brother could do, they have their own headaches/lives , even though they are very helpful, I dont like to burden them to satisfy her.

    She was continuously nagging and my parents were totally in different world then(she knows it in India) as i am totally unaware, i took lot of mental tension and lost my precious child in abortion due to tension in 7 th month

    There are no medical reasons, i gave birth to healthy baby later

    I forgave her, initially resented but later moved on

    I still have many issues and my husband has no guts to stand up,I will fight all my battles alone

    But still forgive her, still she creates lots of fights/anger she hates me to the core(who cares)

    So if i can forgive her for losing my child you can forgive too
     
    yesican likes this.
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,616
    Likes Received:
    22,881
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Op, if you are still carrying the baggage,it is because your husband has not accepted and instead refuses to believe.

    Mil and sil are easy, specially if you don't have to deal with them often.
    You can call them witches in your head and be done with it.

    A husband who romanced you to get you, then gas lighting you about being treated badly during the weakest time in your life is tough to deal with....specially if you love this man.

    These things are easier to accept in arranged marriages because there is always that excuse that he doesn't still understand you...but in love marriages,there is no such excuse.

    I suggest you go for therapy and when you feel a bit stronger,talk it out with your husband .

    In a calm voice tell him how his non acceptance of the mistreatment still hurts you and you need him to accept what happened because it means a lot to you.

    Let him know that you do not expect him to confront his mom and sis but just acknowledge that you and the baby in your tummy were not treated well.You just want him to listen and understand you....so that you can get over it and love him without resentment.

    If he can't say anything ,then he can just look you in the eyes and listen to you without gaslighting you in return.
    Just listen .

    A lot of men do not want to accept because they feel they will be asked to react or confront the wrong doers. Sometimes giving them the option of accepting but not reacting helps.

    You don't have to live with inlaws,you have to live with this man and you should be able to love him without such resentments .

    My husband accepts that his family can be wrong at times to me and that makes all the difference .
    I can even be with his family without resentment because I know he knows and understands.

    I don't want him to confront , after two decades,I can deal with a dozen like them...I just want him to know ,understand.


    After you do the talking , try to forget the past. Hopefully it will be easier. No need to forgive.
    Don't bring it up again. If you have a good marriage and you love this man ...do it without resentment .
    You loving this man and he loving you and leading a happy life is the best balm .

    Hope you find peace so that you can love without resentment .
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2019
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,616
    Likes Received:
    22,881
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    As for mil's preference for co sister...be grateful.

    If she likes her ,she can stay with her.

    There are enough threads here where the husband wants to bring in laws to live with them permanently even though they illtreated and sometimes continue to ill treat the wife.

    May your mil continue to love her and prefer your co sister all your life.:beer-toast1:
     

Share This Page