Parenting Case Study - Phase I

I am going to write a parenting case study into many parts consist of a) initial contact, b) information gathering, c) data assimilation, d) detailed action plan preparation, e) execution of actions, f) evaluation of the results and g) study the satisfaction of the adult child. Please bear with me for these detailed multi-part series of snippets. I request the super moderator to feel free to move to the relevant section, if needed.

I was introduced to the parents by a common friend who are encountering an issue with their youngest adult child aged 21. The first call was set up this week to have a discussion with the parents and one of the siblings by this common friend. I call this phase as initial contact phase. After a formal introduction from either side, the parents instead of explaining the problem encountered by them, requested the common friend to explain the issue.

The gist of the problem is as follows:

The parents live in a city in the US and have two daughters born close to each other. They both did academically very well and happily married. The third child is a son born 12 years after the second child. The parents raised the child with value teachings taught in the spiritual center located nearby from the age of 6 to 17 years. He went to the college and within a year, he got disoriented in education claiming, “the best of breed billionaires dropped out of the school”. The common friend explained this adult child is very well behaved, extremely talented individual with great values. However, he got distracted and confused in his life. At this point, he doesn’t know what he wants in life. He lives separately working with an international firm that engaged him to work on a social media network. He makes a living working all night but confused about what he wants to do going forward. The purpose of the call is to establish me as a mentor for him so that I can give some strategic direction.

The parents felt that he needs change in the environment and therefore, they are planning to move him to the city where I am located in a separate apartment so that he can interact with me frequently for 5-6 weeks until he figures out what he needs to do in life. The parents expect him to finish his undergrad at least before he steps into his career planning. The parents told me that they would encourage me to make any decision on their behalf that would result in well-being of their son. They have also admitted that this adult child was pampered by every member of the family including the siblings as he was born late.

Based on the very first interaction with the parents and this friend, I have come to the following preliminary conclusion (subject to change as I hear more) but I am still thinking about how to communicate my views effectively to the parents:

1) Apparently, the parents did great with the first two children but somehow modified their parenting either because they considered the one born in the later part of their married life as too precious to be disciplined or they thought a son has to be treated very special

2) Mother appeared to be teaching human values to many children for nearly 20 plus years in the spiritual center inculcating the teachings of the great saints of India.

3) Father commented, “You can make any decision on my behalf to set him in the right path” – Questions in my mind - Can anyone do parenting to an adult who is 21 years old? – Is it a root cause of the trouble?

4) The common friend appeared to be interacting with this adult child regularly but didn’t share anything that he had come to know from him directly

5) This appeared to be a typical situation of a very successful parent trying to thrust their thoughts into a child without hearing out his ambitions as the first two siblings went on to be very successful.

6) The parents appear to be concerned but at the same time condescending that there was nothing wrong with their parenting as the first two siblings succeeded well and if there is a problem with the last one, it should be his attitude.

I have written to the parents requesting a one-on-one conference call with their son. I intend to be on listen-only mode to absorb everything that this adult child had to say without any interruption. I believe every child comes to this world with its own agenda and helping this adult child find it is important. That will help me customize my interaction with him. Parenting is the challenge that the Lord gives us to have a humbling experience. The faith that every life is created for a reason with divine grace is good enough for us to learn that all will be well eventually. His grace is the greatest source of strength for all of us.

I am now anxiously waiting for the next phase called information gathering and I will write about it after I hear back from this adult child. I would like to keep this write up as anonymous as possible without giving too specific details. Please feel free to share your thoughts as I find more about this adult child, what should be the right steps I should be taking and what kind of bottlenecks I might encounter in my effort.

 

Dear Smt. Jayasala:

Thank you for your quick response. I am glad you agree that listen only mode is the best option to begin this process. I will find out whether this adult child could write his problems to me but I doubt it as he would be afraid it would get through to his parents as he doesn't know me well enough. I am committing myself without expecting anything in advance. I am not sure what the parents expects out of it either.

For now, I am going to try it out and see what I can discover.

Viswa

 

Dear Pavithra,

After you have mentioned it, I read the Transformation by LakshmiKMBhat and it looks like a coincidence. I need a lot of divine grace and support from the parents here to succeed in my endeavor. I am not special but it is worth trying to help an adult child rediscover himself.

Viswa

 

Dear Rihana,

1. Yes
2. I am not sure of it but it looks like it is parents' view
3. I am not sure of this either as I have not spoken to him as yet
4. The parents told me that he is independent financially.

Viswa

 

Thank you for the suggestions Smt. Jayasala and Syamala.

Viswa