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Parenting – A Boon Or A Curse

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Bhargavi03, Sep 21, 2017.

  1. Bhargavi03

    Bhargavi03 Gold IL'ite

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    Well, I presume that your nephew's parents should sit through with and have an open candid friendly discussion as to why he makes such statements and try to encourage him positively abt not getting into such ideation even if he says such things in a funny way to scare them because these sharp kids with low on mental stability are more succeptible to succumb under pressure.
    Or perhaps his parents could also seek some advice from child psychiatric experts to handle this.
     
    VaishaliYadav likes this.
  2. Bhargavi03

    Bhargavi03 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot for those sweet words and wishes :)
     
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  3. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Wonderful response by satchitananda from the angle of the child,teacher and parent..Simply superb!
    Jayasala 42
     
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  4. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Bhargavi03,

    What a delightful start this snippet is after your hibernation. Welcome back. I always love examples when we discuss parenting and we need to address, the IQ level of the present day children, peer pressure they face, parental pressure to perform academically, their sensitivity to disciplinary action, time management skills, character development, access to the information through world wide web, the need for both parents to work resulting in not spending enough quality time with the children, nuclear family setting, sibling rivalry, lack of understanding of kid's drive and passion and many more.

    I have to qualify that I am not an expert in parenting nor I am a psychologist. By no stress of imagination, I can be considered as very successful in parenting. In fact, I am far from it. My son has some flaws either due to his own thinking or due to mistakes committed by us. Whatever I say here is what I have learned through trial and error of experimenting it with my own child. I have come to realize no amount of inherited knowledge, discussion with other parents, reading books would help customize parenting for raising our own children. My wife's favorite statement is, "my child didn't come with a user manual". In my view, the first step is to spend quality time (I didn't mean a lot of time) with the children listening with full attention of what they have to say.

    In general, this listening attitude made me learn that my son knew a lot more than what I thought he knew about the people, society, culture, language, behavior, attitude and many more. Every new generation learns a lot more at an early stage than the previous generation and hence their IQ level is higher.

    Regarding peer pressure, instead of shielding my son or advising him how to handle peer pressure, we decided that the best way to address it is to ask him to face it courageously by asking questions to him. We recognized the need to ask him how such pressure made him feel. Sometimes, bitter pills work to cure the disease of selfishness and create the awareness of interdependent world. It made my son aware of the competition without getting intimidated by it. Sheer listening without any advise works wonders as those emotions need to get out to understand and reconcile with the real world.

    It would be unfair if I say that there was no parental pressure from us initially towards my son. We both expected him to be very successful matching the kids around our block or even our friends and acquaintances. Slowly, we have learned that every child comes with its own agenda and own interest to perform different things. When we recognized his interest in music, my wife taught him how to play Piano but he stormed out of the class and decided to learn Guitar. He wanted to get qualified in Music but we guided him in different direction. He did Mechanical Engineering Graduation and currently pursuing his Ph.D. but only after he made his own decision about his interest. He still plays music to calm his mind down.

    By nature the children have human tendency to entertain themselves and find happiness except their intensity is much higher. Therefore, time management skill becomes an essential tool. Rather than making him work like a machine, we practiced rewarding him for time management. Lucky we didn't have internet or smart phones when we raised him as a child. We also learned the knack of making him aware of his mistakes without making it appear as a disciplinary action. Most of the time, it is intense discussion by sitting on the floor, holding his hand and looking into his eyes. The children are much more comfortable listening when you get to their height. It also helps increase attention span of the children which is much lesser than fully-grown adult. He was smart enough to understand the communication back and forth and conclude on his own about his mistake rather than us calling it out.

    Character development or moral classes are unfortunately not a part of curriculum in the schools and most of the time it was done by us through reading of stories, real-life examples, admitting some of our mistakes in his presence and so on. I have watched my son emulate number of positive and negative qualities of us and that comes naturally for the children initially until their analytical brain develops to make them think independent. The real challenge begins when they reach the adolescent age and begin to question some of the parental practices. We handled them by asking him questions about his thoughts on such practices by considering him like a good friend instead of defending ourselves.

    As far as drive and passion is concerned, we have made too many mistakes and really not in a position to give any valuable suggestions. We have raised him in nuclear family setting but given him full and complete access to extended family including phone calls with uncles and grandparents. As far as access to WWW, both parents working with lack of time, sibling rivalry, etc. I defer it to other parents who have experience in these areas. We raised a single child, my wife didn't work and we didn't have internet when my son was young.

    Like what Satchi said earlier, we still take a lot of pride when someone tells us that our son is a fine human being than appreciating his academic performance. In my view, parenting is not an art or science. It is part of life experience and no preparation would help handle a child except experiencing it real time and through constant listening of what children had to say. Even an expert child psychologist may make mistakes in parenting as love for the child would cloud the professional knowledge. My apologies for this long response and I have restrained myself from telling a lot more. Rest, I leave it to other parents to contribute. Your article was too tempting for me to come out of my own self-imposed hibernation.

    Viswa
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2017
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  5. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Very nice snippet @Bhargavi03
    Few months ago I was having a heated argument with DS1 about something (I dont even remember what the issue was) and stormed out of the kitchen with my usual " Its so hard to get you to do something. Dont u trust my judgement? I am XX and I still wouldnt dream of crossing the line that thatha and patti draw even now. Its just so hard to be a parent these days. My parents had it so easy"
    He let me calm down for a min or so and said "amma U know this is not the first generation to say that . Every generation has said that exact same thing . Let me send u something ". Went to his room and shared this
    [​IMG]
    and this article to go with it.
    In many ways that was a turning point in our relationship. Now he talks and I listen most of the time and I should say JAG has never been happier.
    Yes there are issues and challenges that parents face today ..but parents have always had issues. Different ones..human race is resilient. We shall thrive and parenting with all its challenges is still one of the most beautiful things I have known and wouldnt trade it for anything in the world.
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2017
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    So true. One of the toughest tasks as a parent might be to watch the immense opportunities and potential available to your child, yet child not taking advantage of all of them in a timely manner. Parent has to keep the bigger picture and aim in mind. A happy, functioning adult who is an asset to the community. Cliched as that sounds.
     
  7. Bhargavi03

    Bhargavi03 Gold IL'ite

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    @Viswamitra
    Thank you for sharing your personal parental experiences in raising your son. I genuinely loved in knowing and learning from your experiences that would indeed help me in grooming and moulding myself as a better parent.
    Every parent would always unconditionally pray and wish only for the wellbeing of their kids. Its only the perception and what we concieve as good or benefitial for our child might differ from others. I can exactly comprehend ur emotions that u might have undergone when ur son wanted do something in music but ended something else. I would' nt blame you here. It is what u thought wud do good to him and I am glad that you are a proud parent of a successful son albeit he might have been disappointed a little bit. My upbringing was by a middle class single mother. I was always academically strong and pursued what she was proud about but my younger brother on the other hand had a greater passion in creative drawing and painting. But unfortunately, owing to my mother's conventional mindset and financial constraints my Mom believed unless her son was an engineer he would never succeed. Her limited knowledge or exposure convinced her to believe that my brother can attain financial stability only if he was in the usual race of becoming an engineer and not otherwise anything unconventional. Today he is an engineer working in a software firm, settled financially yet he cribs and rants often complaining that he might have been much happier had he pursued what he loved.
    Today's parents are more liberal in their mindset also because of their economically strong conditions, that they are very supportive to their kids dreams and passions. No one is right or wrong here. The older generation parents or the modern ones. Its the situations, necessities, probably past experiences like things we wud like to undo as parents for our kids that we were forced to undergo by our parents that drives us to do what we do..
    I am a computer science engineering graduate from BITS, Pilani one of the prestigious educational institution in our country. I was a topper in school, and even always topped as the best employee in my organisation. Once I had my son, my whole paradigm in life changed. I decided to take a complete break from my promising career to see, nurture and be in every part of my son's growth. My decision appalled and startled many of my dear ones.He is nearing six now, I am still a stay-at-home mum and I have no regrets abt it. Every parent make their own choices to support their kids and I take this honour to appreciate you for your laudable job as a parent. :)

    Bhargavi
     
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  8. Bhargavi03

    Bhargavi03 Gold IL'ite

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    @justanothergirl ,

    Nicely laid thoughts. What goes is what comes and it's always a vicious circle generation after generation. :)
     
  9. VaishaliYadav

    VaishaliYadav Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for suggestion @Bhargavi03. Today itself I will talk to his parents.
     
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  10. PushpavalliSrinivasan

    PushpavalliSrinivasan IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @Bhargavi03,
    From genaration to generation IQ is increasing. Technological development is also fast galloping. Present day children are exposed to lot of good and bad things.

    Prior to the year 2000 parenting was not so difficult, but now it is not like that. Parents responsibility has increased and they are also forced to be techsavy to be watchful in order to keep a vigil on their children's activities. It doesn't mean that they have to be constantly at the back of their children. The Blue whale game has made the parents jittery.

    Parents should be like good friends to the children and should not be like moral policing brigade. They should have a heart to heart to talk and guide the children in a friendly manner.

    Though parenting has become tough I believe it is a boon to parents. They have the pleasure of watching the growth of a baby in stages and enjoy the childhood pranks and then blossoming into adolescent which is precious in one's life.
    PS
     
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