Overbearing MIL before marriage? What should I do?

swt.charu · Dec 26, 2011

I have only one thing to say "This too shall pass"

Trust in God...it feels light when you tell the Almighly... you have given me this pain... you alone will provide the cure for this.

I am sure things will change with time... trust me God certainly has best plans for you...

kottravai · Dec 26, 2011

swan02 said: ↑

I feel hurt. And somewhere, I feel that I lost my dignity.

Did I deserve this?
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Dear Swan,
First of all, hugs to you! See, God loves you, that's why you were saved from such a worthless marriage. Yes, marriage is a sacred thing, but is it worth losing your dignity? If you cannot be yourself, have to put up an act everyday, is it worth being married? If you do not stand up for yourself, no one else will. Everything happens for a reason. You definitely do not deserve this kind of lowly, spineless creature. You definitely deserver better. Gal, you are in God's good books. That's why you have been spared from hell. Cheer up. You are already on the road to recovery. The process goes something like this - denial, anger, reasoning. You already feel angry. Good, the next step is to let go. Reason with yourself that its not worth it. He doesn't deserve you. Lift up your self esteem. Do not hear anyone pitying you. This too shall pass and we shall soon see you happy.

swan02 · Dec 28, 2011

Thank you so much to all of you. I'm amazed at how posting on a forum took away the mental torment of the past several weeks. I just didnt have mental peace, and though I still don't have complete resolution (as I possibly never will, as I just don't know their side of the story), its so re-assuring to read all this advice that was unanimous in saying be cautious.

Where do you all think that I went wrong with handling this situation? If I were to do this again, with a similar approach to meeting someone, how should I handle things differently?

Rama1966 · Dec 28, 2011

Show me a person who has not been hurt because she loved and I shall show you God!

Stop feeling guilty for what happened. It happened because it happened....If you were to do it again you will do it again. By distrusting the next guy who comes along, you are firstly not opening your heart and next you will not be able to find a genuine gem of a guy meant for you out there.

Be glad that God saved you from what could have been worse. Believe that something infinitely better is on the way!!!

All the best!

satchitananda · Dec 28, 2011

Dear Swan,

Am really happy to know that you are feeling better after getting various points of view here.

I just didnt have mental peace, and though I still don't have complete resolution (as I possibly never will, as I just don't know their side of the story
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It does not matter what their side of the story was. Just remember it was their loss and your good fortune you got away from them on time. They will move on and so will you. Eventually neither of you has anything to do with each other anymore. Whatever interactions were destined for the two of you and your families in this life has been completed - no matter why. Believe me, once you move on, you will even forget the nitty gritties of what was said, what was done etc. All that you will probably remember would be that this wedding did not materialize. You will be too caught up in your life at that point of time for this to even come to mind.

In case in future you decide to have an arranged marriage, take your time. Get to know the person well before committing yourself. If possible try to find out about the credentials of the family through some source. Talk to the guy about things that are important to you. Just casually, by way of conversation ask him what he thinks about those issues. Let him tell you what he thinks. This way you will know whether you see eye to eye on those crucial issues. Do this before you tell him what you want (so he does not just play along to satisfy you). If at any point you are not sure about something or are instinctively uncomfortable, better drop the matter then and there. Don't bend backwards to please anyone, otherwise you will be doing that all your life. If they accept you as you are, wonderful (and vice versa). Do not go in hoping that the person will change with time - they usually don't and if they do, not necessarily the way you want them to.

So now get going with starting afresh and wish you all the very best. Hoping you get a really good guy to share your life with.

mybaby1 · Dec 28, 2011

hi,

all what you mentioned here, should be an eyeopener to you.dont get married to such a man & such family. maybe you think for a while that you can adjust but when practically you have to face such cultural differences on a dailly basis it really gets impossible n frustrating...
so to me say a no...

swan02 · Dec 30, 2011

Rama1966 said: ↑

Show me a person who has not been hurt because she loved and I shall show you God!

It happened because it happened....If you were to do it again you will do it again.

All the best!
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Thanks for the advice Rama and Sachitananda. But I dont know if I can go through this again. Though it was just a wedding that did not happen, the repurcussions are tremendous and so much to invest, especially emotionally. I feel uncomfortable kissing someone before marriage, but in this day and age and in the US, it is almost considered abnormal if you don't once you are engaged.

To everyone, I am certainly very scared of going through this again. My future scares ms. My family and I have decided not to correspond with Sikh families anymore. Previously, we wouldn't mind if the family is Hindu or Sikh, because my family never thought the two are very different. We have a strong beleif in God, but not necesarily religious so we felt that Sikhism is very similar to our beleifs, and the culture is the same. But it turns out it doesn't matter what we think....if the other side feels they are indeed different, then its better to not make a relation.

Apart from this, I feel like I'm looking for the same thing that I did this time. The scary part is, we did do the enquiry, and I was talking to this guy daily for almost a year. And even then, things only changed once the wedding date was finalized. How do I know this will not happen again? My friends have even had live-in relationships and then gotten married after 7-10 year relationships, and one of them is going through a divorce now.

My family is of the opinion that engagements should be short, because with time, complications and doubt are inherently bound to arise. Even this time, my family was against having the 6 month engagement after we had spoken to each other for 6 months.

I feel that these people could have very well hidden these things like they did for the first 6 months. Infact thats when we had had our in person interactions. Once the date was set, we didnt meet in person because we live across the coasts.

What is the right approach?

satchitananda · Dec 30, 2011

Dear Swan,

I can understand your fears only too well. Having been through an arranged marriage and having had to weed out countless prospectives (I have seriously lost count of the characters I met and could write a book on the ones I can remember - who knows, I might be one of the characters in any such book they might choose to write too) before I met one whom I felt like spending my life with, I can fully understand all the insecurities one goes through.

There are just a couple of points I want to share here. It is unfortunate that the members of the Sikh community you met were weird. But that does not make all Sikhs like that, nor does it mean that all members of our own community are sane. This is a very individual trait. I personally know a Sikh family where the aunt is married to a Kerala Iyer, one niece also to an Iyer and the other niece to an Iyengar. Marriages between the Sikh and Hindu community, inter-regional marriages. And all are working out fine.

My family is of the opinion that engagements should be short, because with time, complications and doubt are inherently bound to arise.
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I have heard this point of view from many people in the past. But I certainly do not agree with it. Complications can arise any time and better they do before the marriage than after. At least like in your last encounter, you got off before you could get into trouble.

Apart from this, I feel like I'm looking for the same thing that I did this time.
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Which is fine. It means you are very sure about what you are looking for and did not make a mistake the last time.

The scary part is, we did do the enquiry, and I was talking to this guy daily for almost a year. And even then, things only changed once the wedding date was finalized. How do I know this will not happen again? My friends have even had live-in relationships and then gotten married after 7-10 year relationships, and one of them is going through a divorce now.
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Since it is human beings we are dealing with, it is impossible to know the exact nature of the person at any point of time. For one thing, people are good at concealing things and for another times change, people change in unpredictable ways - could be for better or for worse. Unfortunately no marriage - arranged or love marriage - comes with any kind of guarantee. The best one can do is to go in with eyes open and due diligence (using both heart and mind to come to a decision) and then leave the rest to fate, destiny, luck whatever it might be. Trust your gut instincts. They are given to us for a purpose. That is what I strongly believe.

And then there is no marriage which is 100% perfect. There are no "Prince Charmings" or "Beautiful Princesses" in the absolute sense of the word. They only exist in the eyes of the beholder. "And they lived happily ever after" is only how fairy tales end. More realistic would be to say "And I think they were happy, accepting each other warts and all, facing all the vicissitudes of life together and sticking to each through thick and thin, in health and in illness and in poverty as well as prosperity".

And the last thing I would like to tell you is bad luck can come to a person occasionally. But statistically speaking, it cannot always come only to you. So look on it like this - may be your tryst with bad luck is over and from here on it can only be upwards.

Wish you all the best and hope you get back your courage very soon.

Viswamitra · Dec 31, 2011

Everything happens to us for a reason and this is a learning experience for you and your parents. Please take it easy and keep your mind occupied in your profession. Next time, talk about three things first:

a) Whether there is a commitment from him to marry you
b) Whether he would agree for your working after your marriage
c) What are his thoughts of a happy married life?

This will help you go into the married life with clear understanding.

swan02 · Dec 31, 2011

Sachitananda and Vishwamitra:

Thank you so much for your advice.

Now that I'm meeting people again, there is one person my family and I had corresponded with previously, infact over 2 years ago. The family background, education, and lifestyle of this particular person are very similar to mine, but for the fact that I am raised primarily in the US and he is raised in India. On paper, things seem quite compatible. However, I strongly beleive that one reason why things have not materialized with this person in the past have been because of arrogance. His family does seem to be proud leaning towards the side of arrogance.

Previously he wanted me to travel to visit him across the country to meet in person.... this is something me and my family have discussed in detail, and I have not done on principal with anyone. We are okay with meeting halfway or driving over, but we do feel its right for the boy to fly over and take the initiative on the first meeting. Otherwise I'm putting myself in a very awckward situation (I have also met quite a few characters, and while its okay to be able to get over a cup of coffee locally with someone disrespectful it would be a whole different beast to do so flying alone into an uknown state)

This person has insisted that I fly over to meet him, and after my family told his family flat out that we won't do so, he then said he will come visit. One thing that was important to me was where he wants to eventually settle - in India or in the US, so I asked him this before he made any plans. He gave a roundabout answer. I told him honestly that it wouldn't be wise to meet if we have different life goals, and he finally said he would be open to stay in the US and would want his family to stay with him. This sounded reasonable, though a bit uncomfortable as it seem like there are "terms" from the beginning rather than a mutual compatibility.

Next this person mentioned two weekends when he would come visit me after his trip to India, to which I agreed. Once I agreed to meet, he then said he wanted to think about it. I kept the weekends free, but did not hear from him for over 2 weeks. He then made a brief call from India and wanted to do a video chat which I was not comfortable with. I didn't hear from him for another 2 weeks. We then felt it was better to drop the matter, he called but didn't leave a message and I felt best not to call.

He called yet again, left a voicemail for me to call back, which I did as soon as I got the message, and have not heard from him since.

I discussed this with my mom, who said to ignore it as he may have some complex. I personally find it quite rude to discuss plans, and not follow through (one way or another... if he didn't wish to come those weekends, it is perfectly understandable, but he should have told me clearly). I also feel its rude to not return calls ina timely manner. You don't have to call for an hour, but just a text message stating you're busy or when you can talk is fine. Likewise, I think either a person has interest to come and meet or not. His family has asked for over 10 pictures of mine, and finally we refused to send more. I find this inappropriate too. While many people are comfortable with videochat, I don't feel comfortable doing with someone I have never met.

Are these small things that I should just let go? I find his attitude very aggravating - he seems to be playing games, and I want to tell him "Listen, I am not into playing games, if you would like to come meet, great, let me know which weekend for sure so that I can keep it aside. Otherwise, wish you all the best, but lets not carry on like this." My other instinct is to just decline his interest on the website (we also met on shaadi.com) and end the matter there and then. Am I just feeding my own ego by doing so? My mother says, just ignore him, let him say what he wants to do, and take it from there - she says either way, I'm sitting here living my life and it does not matter if he comes or not.