One Woman's Tale of Woe

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by meenaprakash, May 10, 2006.

  1. meenaprakash

    meenaprakash Silver IL'ite

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    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - the epilady, scissors, razors, "Nair" and now...the wax.


    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.

    I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

    So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

    (YA THINK!?!)
    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

    ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
    I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

    With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

    Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

    I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!...OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
    Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the Strip.

    CRAP!!!

    Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!
    Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

    I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

    There's no hair on it.

    Where is the hair???

    WHERE IS THE WAX???

    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip I touch. I am touching wax.

    CRAP!
    I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
    Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

    DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

    Vagina? Sealed shut!
    Butt?? Sealed shut!
    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
    What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

    *WRONG!!!!!!!*
    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

    Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

    So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
    cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone It's a very good conversation starter:
    "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
    There is a slight pause.


    She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call
    the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!

    I should be the joke of someone else's night.

    While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!


    By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
    What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and* OH MY
    GOD!!!!!!!

    The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.


    It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works !!"
    I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

    I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off.

    Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

    Next week I'm going to try hair color......

     
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  2. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Meena, I have never laughed like this !

    I was immediately reminded of the following joke:
    1. A very young couple, having limited funds, returned to her parents after the wedding for their honeymoon night. The next morning the family gathered for breakfast and lunch without them.

    When it came time for the evening meal, the father asked of his wife and their 8 year old son, "Have any of you see the newlyweds?"

    The mother replied she had not seen her daughter and new son-in- law. The bride's younger brother replied that he had seen his new brother-in-law about 10 PM when he stuck his head out the door and ask him if he knew where there was any Vaseline.

    The parents, a little embarrassed, waited for the rest of the story. "Well?" the father finally said impatiently when the boy continued eating. "Oh," said the boy. "I couldn't find any Vaseline so I gave him my model airplane glue."

    My friend said she has heard worse variants of it !
    Which is worse - yours or theirs ?
    Anonymous !!!
     
  3. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

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    My God Meena, where did u get this...hilarious at the same time painful ouch...awful....ha ha...

    And Anonymous , what could have happened , do u think...ur guess could be the same as mine , i think:confused:
     
  4. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    :oops: :oops: :oops:


    OH my God,You people are back in full force....God save Indusladies!!!

    :rotfl
     
  5. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Sunitha, please listen......

    Since when did you turn Sunithanandamayi ??????
    I did'nt know that !!!!!!
    You want to save indusladies ? Then take part in this thread !
    Love & regards,
    Chithra.
     
  6. Kamla

    Kamla Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    hoo haa:)))

    Note Meena, its 'hoo', not 'who'!! Oh my..I don't know what to say, whether I laughed more or cringed more...cringe, because the whole funny episode was also painful! That was a good one! Like Sudha says, I was ouching too:)
     
  7. Kamla

    Kamla Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Oops Chitra, sorry, Anonymous..

    Wax was hot enough, but glue..uuhuhu! A sticky affair indeed....!!!!!!
     
  8. meenaprakash

    meenaprakash Silver IL'ite

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    from wax to glue - all hot & cold.

    Dear Chitra,

    Glad you liked my post - but then did I read Anonymous again (?) with glue...
    Oh, my, my, thats more sticky than......

    Hi Sudha,
    Hilarious & at the same time ooh, aah, ouch... for me too.
    but then did you read the anonymous one, I think we all think the same thing?????

    Sunitha, we are behind you now. gonna grab you in.....

    Kamala, I got this one fm a friend and even before I could finish, this friend called me and we burst out everytime we tried to talk.. almost 1/2 an hr over phone but hardly spoke, we were bursting into laughter everytime we tried to spk and tell you it was really funny, but then definitely not when everything gets sealed & shut & in pain..........

    Glad you guys liked the mail.

    Love,
     
  9. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    the sole voice of reason here

    Ladies,

    Allow me to be the sole serious voice here.

    In jest, you have set off a topic that is not inconsequential to most women, especially the swimming, sporty types. Honestly, what is the best method? Pls share your views. If we cannot talk abt it in IL, we can't do it anywhere else.

    cheers
    VR
     
  10. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    Well,well,well.....

    I could actually visualize that poor lady with the wax.....Especially when she got stuck to the tub..we do tend to do a lot of funny things during such moments when our brains just stop working ..


    [​IMG]

    The couple with the glue!!!!Whoever thought of that...Anonymous????naughty little girl!!!Now that you have committed a sin by even thinking of such a thing,please return to the slokas thread and chant a few to wash away the sins!!!




    ---signed...SNM
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2006

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