Old Age

Hey Kcb thanks for your POV. I totally understand !
In an ideal world this is what it should be. Parents responsibility towards children comes with love and affection. It is the purest and most untainted form of love . But how many children look after their parents with the same love and affection in their old age ? There are factors like DIL/ SIL that skew this love.
Every other day we have a post about DIL’s tearing their hair out because they live with IL’s . I am not judging them at all because it is not easy. How do you expect a DIL to cultivate love and affection looking after her in laws ?
And the bigger problem is indian parents giving up everything for children. How about parenting with not expecting the child to look after them in their old age ?
Why not hold on to your money so you can have a dignified retirement and not have to rely on any one?
Is all the bitterness worth it because it is the right thing for the aging parent to be looked after by the child. I don’t think so.
We need parents and children to be less financially and emotionally dependent on each other. A mother sending her child to daycare or even to boarding school does not make her selfish.
Retirement homes are not easy but living with grumpy unhappy children that look at you as a burden is even worse. So why not keep things cordial, expectations low, cultivate hobbies and interests and be independent. The kids will actually be less grudging when they have to help you in a terrible health crisis. And also look forward to visiting you often in a retirement home.

 

Sandy,

Good and sensible argument.

 

I myself have decided to, and I very much want to take care of my parents in every way, that's because of the love, respect and bonding I have with them- I never think of it as a burden. But I would not judge others or expect everyone to do that.As a female and future mother , I believe mothers love is unconditional that's why it is so much glorified. If it demands reciprocal responsibilities, then how can it be true love? The choice should be of children not of parents. Motherhood is not a contract that has to give compulsory return when the time comes. Even animals mothers(sometime fathers) go to great lengths for the babies, risking their lives, starving while feeding the young, but they let go when time comes, Only human beings are so selfish that a mother demands and entitled to return on invetsment!

Secondly, children are a parent's natural and legal responsibility because parents make conscious decision to bring children into this world, even in western countries where children are not expected to reciprocate.
Thirdly while infant care does not last very long, elderly care lasts for years- and very difficult for bedridden elders.
Fourthly , Every responsibility becomes a joint responsibility. So one person doesn't have right to thrust his/her parents' responsibility on the spouse without genuine concurrence.
Fifthly, responsibility for parents should be equally shared by all children irrespective of gender. In 21st century, daughters have to stop acting like they are helpless, they are equally educated and equally capable to contribute in whatever way they can. A daughter/son is anyday a more appropriate candidate to take care of parents than a DIL/Son-IL

Sixthly, everyone deserves to live with dignity, So if an elderly is taken care of but resented for and humiliated on a regular basis, better to live in old age home.That said I find old age homes to be a sad concept. I wish everyone could continue living in the same house, and family should not look upon each other as burden, I wish there would be love and understanding all around. But we do not live in an ideal world. So, let each person decide according to their situation.

 

Further inputs reading merits Including the following addendum to my FB at page 6 #51 & #53 .
2. A boy daily was watching from earshot, his papa & mom were briefly engaged in serving bland lunch to grand parents sitting in a corner at the backyard on their dented aluminium platter.
3. When the grand parents together departed to heaven, their paraphernalia were being disposed in a big bundle.
4. The boy was trying to take from the bundle those aluminium platters of his grand parents, whence boy’s parents acrimoniously demanded to know the reason for his action.
5. The boy softly responded - “I MAY NEED IT TO USE WHEN YOU BOTH BECOME OLD”.

Regards.
God Bless Us All Always.

 

With one child norm prevailing very common, if the only daughter gets married to only son, the couple have dual responsibilities to take care of two parents.NRI couples have a tough fight as to whom to get Green card.With two sambanthis side by side, it is a horrible situation along with teen daughters/sons.The grandchildren too start hating either of the grandparents.
Buying a small good senior citizen's home in India is not a bad idea. As long as health permits, one could cook his/her own food and later depend on the food provided by them.Anyway it is a costly affair.Engaging maids through agenecy is another head ache.As a new broom sweeps well, for a month or two things are alright. Afterwards they wait for an opportunity to to rob, as the senior citizens have a tendency to fall asleep any time.

The maids notice the place where money and jewels are kept.My sister used to remove her
diamond ear rings, and diamond nose rings in a particular small dubba and keep it inside a dhal tin every Friday.She used to wear them back only after 4 P. M. This habit was duly noticed by the maid.Just when my sister was awake, she entered the kitchen under the pretext of washing vessels, and took away the jewels. She called her husband over cell phone and silently handed over the tiny costly ornaments. The servant stayed with my daughter till 5 P. M. when my sister started searching.When she was questioned by my sister, she did all Satya Pramanam and she was ready for physical examination too.
They were not ready to report to the police, since the police would come to know of the solitary living and they may induce some thieves for further robbery. Ultimately my sister distributed all the jewels among her children, wearing a small chain and one bangle.Even today my sister repents for having given away the jewels and blames her children whenever occasion arises.
The problem of seniors differ from house to house.No single solution would suit all. My sister and brother-in-law settled their residential land in favour of all five children and the three daughters and two sons spent their own money to construct flats in the same complex.My sister and BIL started living in the flat of their NRI daughter.Things seemed smooth for about 5 yrs and everybody appreciated my sister/BIL for having been wise, living together without sacrificing freedom.
It is at this juncture, the couples became ill and there was necessity to appoint a maid thro agency.Each son and daughter had their own problems about their own teen age sons and and daughters of marriable age .One daughter, not blessed with kids ,working in a bank opted to live with her parents under the condition that she should be paid Rs 15,000 per month from their pension towards take care charges while the grocery,milk, vegetable expenses should be taken care of by my sister.She simply gave her flat for rent and started living with her month enjoying double benefit.
A scene has been created as though she is the only care taker and her other siblings are keeping mum.The girl always started shouting at her parents day in day out, spreading rumours about other siblings.
As though taking extra care, she has removed calling bell connection to the house, just locks the house outside without giving the key to anyone.I asked her to get a lock with 4 keys and hand over the key to all the children so that they may visit the flat in the afternoon and give the old couple some coffee.It was adhered to for a week.Once again she started locking her parents. She has disconnected the land line phone also and has handed over some old cell to my sister, which she is unable to operate.Whenever I try to call my sister during office hrs, she finds out in the evening and starts bombarding us for having disturbed her mother.The net result, other siblings are unable to complain to the police about this girl, since she receives full support from my sister.Being senile, my sister is being threatened to believe that only this girl can take care of her and she would be left uncared if she goes to occupy even the first floor owned by her son who is willing to take care without any money.My sister is not willing to move an inch.Being at a walking distance of 15 mts, I am unable to see my sister for the past 9 months. The calling bell is not there.Even if she listens to my tapping, she cannot open the door, she has no keys. When we visit during holidays, the dear daughter does not allow us inside.Unable to tolerate shoutings and abuses of this girl, other sons and daughters have shifted their
flats, keeping their own flats vacant.
My brother-inlaw passed away two years back and 94 year old sister's position is horrible.Every now and then the NRI daughter telephones to me to enquire of her mother's health, since her number has been disconnected'out of contact' in her mother's cell phone.
This is the plight of a lady who is getting nearly Rs20,000 family pension.Whenever I try to advise this girl in a calm manner , elaborating the evils associated with locking an old mother, she simply retorts that she is more concerned about her mother and she needs no advice from anyone.
We keep our fingers crossed.We only pray for my sister's peaceful end early.

jayasala42

 

This is so painful. Hope better sense prevails and the girl realises her mistake.