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Nsds

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by HariLakhera, Jul 27, 2019.

  1. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    NSDS (Nagging Self Doubt Syndrome)

    I suffer from this Nagging Self Doubt (NSD). Once in a while, someone from inside me wakes up violently, emerges in the front and challenges me defiantly. It goes like this:

    ME: I believe in life.

    NSD: Life! What life! A life that has an inevitable ending?

    (I have no answer and do not wish to parrot what has been told again and again.)

    ME: I believe in God. I pray regularly.

    NSD: God! Have you seen it? God! Is it he or she? You pray because you are afraid of being punished for your bad deeds or falling out from his grace. Your prayer is a crafty ritual where you neither have heart nor mind.

    (I know this is mostly true)

    ME: I believe that all humans can be trusted unless proved otherwise.

    NSD: Even when you have been cheated by the very people you trusted.

    (I know I have no choice either way)

    ME: I believe that life is fun and should be lived in full.

    NSD: And you accept that you are addicted to certain toxins called ‘fun’ -be it good food, wine or wealth and blind to see and heartless to feel for the unfortunate who sleep on a hungry stomach.

    (I can't solve problems of the world)

    ME: I do my bit by making a few donations in cash and kind here and there.

    NSD: You are a hypocrite. You dump your old discarded clothes and call it donation! You push a few notes or coins in temple hundi and think it will be used for the needy!

    (Those old clothes may be useful for some and the temples do run charity)

    ME: I love my wife and my children.

    NSD: Wrong! You are selfish. You love them and in return you expect them to worship you, obey your whims and take care of you when you grow old:

    (I see nothing wrong in it. The whole creation thrives on give and take)

    ME: Okay! I can at least love myself.

    NSD: Wrong again. You love your body. Your body is not you.

    (But a healthy soul lives in a healthy body so what is wrong in it).

    I and NSD are in constant conflict and at loggerheads. I am not free to think and act. Nothing seems to work. There seems to be no meeting point. It follows me like my shadow. At times I feel like accepting that ME is NSD and NSD is ME.

    Hari Lakhera
     
    Balajee and shyamala1234 like this.
  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Hari Sir,

    It is a healthy discussion between you and your NSD. Self-inquiry begins with such internal discussions. Whoever is fed well with right and relevant information wins the battle. If NSD is in front of you, it means you are walking away from the light and if it is behind you as a shadow, you are moving towards light.
     
  3. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Hariji,
    NSDS....thought it is a sort of painkillers. But after reading....it is philosophy. I am very poor in that subject.
    Life has an inevitable ending of course. But we have to live in a meaningful, sincere way till that inevitable ending comes. Cannot be murderers or so called harmful way!
    Even if it mechanical and ritualistic...prayer is full of faith and does it not give us a support system? It does.
    Fun....we hear it more often in Western countries . From a small child to adults....whole life revolves around "Fun"!
    Give and take...
    Law of the world. Nothing comes free...even love.
    We do love our body. When not well we do go to doctor. Body is one of the tools which takes a person to spiritual heights! Nobody can go to spiritual heights or salvation when one is suffering. Cannot preach to hungry stomach or when one is in great pain!
    Syamala

    .
     
  4. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Viswa Ji,
    I never thought that way about light and shadow. It does pat me from behind for something good I do and face me headon when I falter.
     
    Viswamitra likes this.
  5. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    Syamala ji,
    Thanks. You say you are very poor in philosophy and all what you said is philosophy only. In my opinion philosophy does not mean telling simple things in complex and difficult words. Playing with words may be a literary virtue but making oneself understood is art.
    As long as we are on this earth we have no choice but to live a practical life. Monks are for the monasteries and there too they live in all comforts as their basic needs are taken care of. Others have to fight and survive in a practical world.
    NSDS is part of that fight.
     
  6. ramasala

    ramasala Silver IL'ite

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    Inching towards Ramana, I believe.I think we need not get confused with light and shadow.Then it will become another head ache and a topic of discussion with your beloved NSD.Your message reminded me of Tamil cinema dialogues with conscience or( Mana Saakshi) that is stated to be our twin, always closely following us.
    ramasala
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2019
  7. PushpavalliSrinivasan

    PushpavalliSrinivasan IL Hall of Fame

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    Having faith in God and praying to Him will definitely give solace. Giving old dresses and used things to the needy instead of exchanging them for some other things is also helps the needy people. when we go to the temple if we put the money in the archaka's plate instead of the hundi it will be helpful to the lowly paid archaicas in small temples.
    PS
     
  8. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    This Mana Saakshi is at times very annoying. My NSD is my most critical friend, nothing hides from me, never praises me, always do this , do that like a knit picker.
     
  9. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    Exactly and that is most people do. Somehow giving old clothes to poor occurs only when other avenues are exhausted. Thankfully even they are not accepting it now. Of course one can give to Gunjan, NGO, who use them for making sanitary napkins for the poor in the villages.
    About donations in temples, the less said the better.
    The larger point is why we do all things? Puja, donations? Do we expect something in return or do because we should.
    My NSD has many reservations about what I do.
     
  10. Balajee

    Balajee IL Hall of Fame

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    NSDS is not a syndrome. It is your intellectual conscience that makes you question yourself constantly. Makes you wonder whether your actions and views are right. It is a blessing not a curse.
     
    Cheeniya likes this.

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