not the usual husband-wife problem

Ok here we go with another one of those myths ..NO not all men watch **** . Thats not what all guys do. There is an age for that. Not a married man and that too regularly. Thats just sick If its something that is by mutual consent then its the couples own business but when the wife is against it..sneaking in the wee hours of the night to do it is not the right thing to do. But the basic issue in ur marriage is ..your trust in ur husband has been shattered. Nothing concrete has been done to resolve the major breach of faith that occurred .Regaining this faith will take lot of time and can be done only when both of you are prepared to work
100 % on it.
Please talk to him how his actions trigger ur feelings of insecurity. Tell him you can work on letting go of the past only if he help u gain his trust. If at all possible please consult a marriage counselor. Hang in there!

 

From what you are saying, your DH doesnt sound like a bad guy. The problem here is that you guys rushed this relationship wayyyy too fast. Getting pregnant in the first month after marriage! You didnt take the time to get to know each other or let the relationship progress naturally.

From your post, it seems to me that you are seeing all these activities that your DH has been doing, but you are not really asking the most crucial question. WHY. Why is he doing this? In my experience, most people are not inherently bad, and if we give your DH the benefit of doubt and assume the same about him, then one has to ask the question, What is forcing him to seek carnal satisfaction outside of your relationship. It can be very easy to point the finger at the other person, but sometimes, you need to examine your own actions, and ask what part you have played in this situation.

I think you have hit the nail bang on the head when you said that what really bothers you is the fact that you are not close to him. All the **** watching, posting on internet message boards, all those are secondary symptoms of this one main problem. What you need to focus on, is trying to re-establish a relationship with your DH.

 

QUOTE=apaasn;1619939] .
I read abt all these wives who have had some fun with their husband maybe in the initial stages of their marriage and tears come to my eyes.[/QUOTE]

Like they say there are two sides to the coin similarly behind the closed door it's always a different story. Also this being Internet, some people invent stuff , some people might be saying the truth and some people are just being silly. Relax!

I think in your case, even before you both could bond emotionally, you got pregnant , in-laws arrival , complaints etc etc... so all these things sucked up the whole fun in your married life.

All i can think is maybe if you have stopped breast feeding your baby , then Visit India for a month with your husband and leave your baby in the care of your parents. Return to US and then try bonding with your husband in the absence of your child for few months. Go on a honeymoon, yes! you seriously need this! Do things together like what newly wed couples do like Hold hands, go to movies, walk in the park, conect conect conect physically and emotionally...

Try to get physically intimate with your husband more often even when baby is with you. Put the baby in the next room if you are not comfy getting intimate in front of the baby. Never ever encourage him to watch ****. If you think he is watching, immediately ask him to stop and come to bed.

 

I second vatsadave's opinion.

I think the relationship with your DH is the root cause for all his activities.

Inside each one of us, we want to be appreciated, loved, admired, adored.
Are you and your DH doing this for one another?
If not, then obviously we start looking outside for mental relaxation and fun.

Even after 6 years of marriage, today morning my DH told me he loves the way I run. And that was enough for me to keep me going. I felt so happy.

Start giving compliments to your DH for every small thing he does for you or baby. Tell him, I know you don't "have" to do this, but you are doing it for me.

Start looking for what is nice in him and start appreciating it.

When he feels admired and adored at home, he will not want to go online and make friends.
be his Best friend. Baby comes next, DH comes first. Tend to him and his needs first.
Baby will grow up and go, DH will be with you entire life.

If he watches ****, gently remind him to come to bed and that you are waiting for him... wear something sexy, seduce him.

To your surprise, your DH will say he will not go online and see these things, if you, his wife can give him the pleasures.

Please do whatever you can and be your DH's best friend.

 

All you guys need is some daily committed quality time for each other together than finger pointing and a room for expression of each others undying love. Both of you are feeling withdrawn in your present state and in the chores of daily life find difficult to catchup and move forward together.

You can take the first step to draw his attention towards you if he ends up to going towards the internet. Its important to become flexible for spending quality time with each other.

Just make time daily to revive your married life which normally would have taken place in the beginning of your relationship if either of you were not caught up with 'expectations' of others... so take the time now to prioritize and learn each other limits and flexibilities and grow into a stronger committed relationship.

Just know no matter how deep the rift, it is critically important for both of you to continue to do your duty towards each other. This way, there is no damage to the relationship of trust between either of you and both would feel secure that no matter how serious the disagreement, the other will continue to behave in a responsible manner towards the family.

Just an example: if you have the habit of having dinner together on his arrival back home and on the day of a rift too... cook dinner and text message or call him up early and say you'd wait over the dining table for dinner together that way your ties built on trust becomes greater than any disagreement and you'd both would feel better over the years to come and more committed in your relationships.

All the best!!
God bless you both!!

 

Like others said, the problem seems to be in the basics of your (you and your H's) rel'ship. Other ILites have given great advices, I just want to add... do you think your H is under pressure or depression regarding any matter... do you think he is using **** as an addiction, like some people use TV??

 

You got that 100% right. Kudos to you.
Do not ship-off kids (I know you wont, I'm saying in general - since there are folks here who post threads on that). They are not UPS packages to be shipped, and neither are they BPO to be outsourced.


Something is seriously wrong in the basic rel'shp. Maybe because the kid was conceived so early, there was not much time for good bonding. I hope you guys figure out a way to work it out.

 

Once someone addicted for something ,it may be very hard to break the cycle.Like how we are all addicted for IL .

I would suggest,wherever he sits in the night to do work,arrange you and your kid bed there and sleep.That way he had to away from those sites and his cycle may break.But don't say anything ,just say that you wanted to sleep there.

Since you bonded with your child,you don't have any need to bond with your husband.It's hard to believe but it's very true.

You are emotionally hurt and you were not able to come to your original state and start the realtion,

I would encourage you to make more friends and invite people and you need to make your husband mingle in the normal crowd