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New Era Mothers In Law And Their Ultra Modern Dil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, Nov 8, 2019.

  1. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    In general, when younger generation are hosted in older generation's house beyond 3-4 days , then it is good for the DIL& Son duty to take up most of the household chores to relieve the burden on the elderly.Should not behave like entitled guest with own family. If the guest is there for only 3-4 days and want to rest due to long hectic travels/ jet lag etc , then it is justified to avoid household chores like cooking/cleaning or waking up late . But not picking up one's own plate conveys some kind of entitled culture and not due to tiredness.Not picking up one's own plate is very bad manners, no matter who does it. Many times , they trained their son and the FIL to leave the plate for women . That culture has to change first.

    That said, if your sister is fine with it- that might the the personal dynamic of the family, She may have her own reasons for being extra nice, maybe to compensate for something else in past or present or future . Each family is different. If they are all happy with each other, you should let the matter go- or else you might accidentally end up commenting something to them which will spoil their relations.
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2019
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  2. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes Rihana, her son to was waking around the same time and leaving his plate on the dining table, he is being doing it since his childhood but I thought he would have changed his habit as he was living independently for 4 years while studying and working in US definitely his room mate wouldn't pick his plate nor his now wife would do it but why take the mother for granted after all it may take just few minutes to clean up.
    yes the same people

    According to my Sis, her Son and Dil have a hectic life in their place so she wants to give them maximum comfort as possible, I stayed around one and half days there and watched everything in silence but never gave any negative feed back to my sister, but yes her Dil is extremely sweet when she talks to us but most of the time she will be on phone or behind the locked doors, seriously I only saw her on the day when we all went out for dinner, even then she was on call with her mom or sis:hushed: to be honest I really felt annoying but my sister showed no reaction and was very normal.
     
  3. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    yeah yeah I know nothing serious, but a little change in the DIL's attitude would make my sister more happy, as they are there only for a short period just spending some valuable time with SIL and BIL is all I asked for, I am nobody here to comment but this is just my opinion.
     
  4. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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  5. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    I am defenitely not a traditonal Mom Shrav, if that would be then will I allow my daughter to move to a different country and chase her dreams.
    Of course I expect some basic manners to be followed if either my daughter or niece visits us .
     
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Ideally every child should learn to put their plates in the sink .
    If they couldn't teach that to their son, they can't really call out the dil ...both are wrong and both should be called out.

    Her not spending time to bond with your sis....may be that is to keep peace.

    After the drama and unnecessary accusations last time,may be she has reasons to be formal and distant .

    I feel your sis and family are on the back foot after what happened last time and hence are letting them a long rope.

    What is t -shirt and shorts compared to their daughters conduct in US ?

    Now that they know what daughters are capable of,may be they have become more tolerant to the ways of other peoples daughters.

    Op....be happy that your nephew and his wife are in India so soon after the fiasco and are on such good terms.

    Like last time ,there could be more to it than what is seen.

    The dil came to stay with her inlaws....instead of going to her parents place.
    She has every right to talk to her mom and family .
    If she was there for a few hrs ...may be one can avoid using the mobile ...but if someone is there for days or week,how can one expect her to not be on phone.
    Besides her mom and parents are far more dearer to her than her mil or her mils sister.Just because she is at inlaws,she cannot stop being a daughter,sister ,friend .

    Besides which youngster today is not on the phone . Their life is run by the phone. They work ,bank , buy, sell , plan ,entertain on the phone. Why seperate rules for dil when our kids are doing the same ?

    Sometimes being a little distant works better in the long term.
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2019
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    After the demise of my MIL, I have trained my hubby and daughter to wash their own plates and cups, even if we are guests in any house my daughter will never allow the host to touch her plate, and we never prolong our phone calls when we are with other people these are basic manners and expecting from others is not wrong after all

    Regarding plates and cups.....if there is a maid to clean vessels ,I don't expect any one at home also to clean them . We just collect ( anyone can do that) and put in sink .
    I would be mortified if some guest at my house tried to wash the plates and mugs. It would be extremely uncomfortable to me .

    See....every family has different ways of living .

    As for mobile use.....if someone is a guest for some hrs...one can expect to keep the phone away but if one has come to live for sometime,it is not practical to have such expectations and unreasonable to be offended.phone is not just for chit chat now.
     
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  8. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Ofcourse not taking ones plates off after eating is not good. But who knows may be his mom wouldn’t have allowed to do it. And it also shows the over pampered nature.

    But I really don’t understand why should you have a problem with your sisters DIL.
    Looks like you have a issue for everything and whatever she does.
    Hence she is not interacting much with you. Maybe she feels that you guys will throw tantrums for whatever she does.So she is having minimal interactions to avoid conflict.

    And you have visited them only for a day so you may not know what’s happening during the remaining time.

    Should she ask everyone’s permission to speak to her parents?

    When your sister itself is fine and happily hosting them you should stay calm and not worry much.
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2019
  9. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Gold IL'ite

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    @blessed I would like to share my personal story here
    My mil was Lil nice sweet on my initial days of marriage.
    My mil has 2 sisters who live in the same city would visit us every week.
    My mil will sulk after her sisters visit. I never understood why?
    Her sisters fueled my mil so much, mil started hating me.
    Im the first DIL in the family, so I didn't know much.
    Always kept quiet finally her sisters and mil formed a team. Started finding faults in every way possible.
    1) whatever I cooked - said bad
    2) whatever dress I had / I wore - they started commenting. (But thier own daughter will roam in kurti without leggings or salwar)
    3) if I take my office calls - wrong
    4) if I go out with dh - wrong , the look they gave me unforgettable
    5) if I go out dh on dinner - every one will invite themselves. I had to pay heavy bills for 12-15 persons
    6) whatever gifts my parents got - comments( they couldn't give 1/4 what my parents gave)
    7) if I go to my friend's functions or wedding- wrong
    8) basically whatever I did wrong - huge emotional dramas fight scene.
    I never opened my mouth once. Because they will frame me.
    Within a year of marriage they started insulting with no baby comments.
    Believe me I concieved within 2 months of moving out and not seeing the demoness's faces
    For heavensake we moved to different country.we are happy family now.

    Now I have a hiBye relationship with her.
    My MIL's sisters have thier own DILs and son-in-law, so they are like Rabbit in burrow. Mil after 5-6 yrs getting to know how much they influenced her. But she won't accept in front of me
    MIL's sisters now treat mil as external person. Never allow to comment on thier family affairs.

    Why I'm telling you a big story?
    Because just go visit niece and Dil. They have come from far, from a place where hot jaleblis are luxury.
    Removing plates is not okay.
    Small things or who knows she treats n thinks mil as mom?
    Wearing shorts wrong on Indian tropical climate? She was home. Thinks her home.
    Many of nri friends buy kurtis just to wear on India trips.
    Atleast Dil didn't cancel vacation because her family wasn't in India.
    I bet many of us wouldn't go if our family wasn't there. Change plans.
    She is a good girl.
    Never fuel your sister. Your sister knows what's good.
    And later it might hamper your relationship with sisters.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    "Allowing" a 21+ year person to do something is a traditional view of the allowing.

    What you have shared is your opinion and you are entitled to it, and also you are only looking for others' views here. So:

    You are being the traditional MIL or MIL's sister who comes to visit for a day or two but leaves after expressing some negative opinions on trivial matters. You might think you only spoke about these to your sister, but it is quite easy for any, more so a woman and a DIL to detect those even if they are unsaid.

    You are so casually letting off the son not putting away his plate with explanations while expecting that his U.S. stay would have changed him. The unsaid expectation is that at least the DIL should be better.

    Being on the phone - like ym said all young people are on the phone all the time. If the thread had been about "parents who adjust, young adults with attitude & entitlement" that would be a commentary on the interaction between just-turned-older and younger generation. By implying that household chores are the domain of the MIL/DIL and wake up time etiquette applies to the DIL not the son, you are perpetuating the older expectations that once married a woman should do this, do that, and not do this/that... Seriously.. the son can wake up at 10 am but DIL should wake up earlier and join MIL in kitchen?

    DIL and son-in-law tend to take the cues on how to behave from their spouse when staying at the in-laws house. If putting plate away is such a big deal, then lay the blame where it originates -- the son was not taught by his parents to put away his plate, and continued that well into adulthood.

    Shorts - If those were indeed mini shorts I agree with Amulet, and it is not done to lounge around the house in those when one has company like parents or in-laws. Not in one's own house and not in others' houses. But what is called mini shorts in India could be considered decent enough elsewhere. These are midi shorts. Mini would be shorter than those. Both mini and midi shorts are not appropriate when parents or in-laws are visiting you after you are married. But regular shorts like finger-tip length shorts (which end 4-5 inches above the knee) are OK.

    Sorry, blessed, but comments like did not spend time with us (in this visit or in her wedding) when you fall under husband's relative category (aunt), and about shorts, wake up time etc... that is quite like the traditional MIL. It so reminds me of men and women who are both working, man comes home and plonks himself down on the sofa and asks for coffee from the woman who also just returned after an equally tiring day. Continues to sit in front of the tv while she gets on with the dinner prep.
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2019
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