Need your perspective on my Indian family: TRIGGER WARNING

teacher · Dec 26, 2011

There are a lot of different things thatbyou are trying to sort out as separate pieces...the abuse, your relationship with your mother, your dating experiences are interrelated. We can all give you our perspectives about culture, parent child relationship, etc but the fundamental point here is that your mother didn't do what even a total stranger should do. She may justify her actions by her PTSD or as she says, her 'culture' but the truth is there is no justification for it.

I know several parents who would kill to have their child gain the resource and strength you have shown...unlike you their children just fell apart! Yes it is poor consolation to say that there are others who have less than you but what you have is not something to judged and discounted lightly.

You don't have to justify anything to your mother or your extended family. Looking for answers is part of the recovery process...but sometimes the answers will not be to your liking or you may not find the answers at all. Be prepared for that so you don't get stuck in any one place.

Work on this before you get serious about anyone in the dating scene...learn to trust yourself in how you handle all relationships. That will help you learn to build trusting relationships with a partner.

Loving2011 · Dec 26, 2011

"You know nothing about what you really are or want or like"

I don't agree with this statement. I have likes and preferences that don't correlate with my mom's beliefs at all. Why would you assume that I don't know anything?

I love going to live concerts. I like men with long hair and facial hair. I would drive 3 hours just to see my favorite band play. I like to read. I'm into yoga. I hate sports. I dislike how people have misconceptions about sexual abuse (such as wondering why kids don't fight back or that it only happens in poor families). I don't support arranged marriages. I love cats. I don't believe being filthy rich buys happiness. I'm into artsy stuff. I love trying out different restaurants. The list goes on.

Sure, I could use some improvement just as anyone else. There are 45-50 year olds that come to me saying that they have no idea who they are or what their purpose is.

I personally don't like when people get on their high horse and dictate how people their age should act. We all come from different backgrounds that shape us how we are. We keep learning no matter how old we are.

deepa10 · Dec 27, 2011

Dear Loving2011,

There are some amazing replies to this thread! I am posting here esp bcoz you have mentioned that many of us may not even post here! No, its not so. We are bothered about your situation..!

You have not done anything wrong, Infact you have gathered courage to plan for your future and come out of your mom's house. And about your ex-boyfriend, he is a JERK! He is no better than your mom! Your mom was not fighting for you, she has been fighting for her prestige and class in the society least bothering about her daughter.

I shall tel you one thing. NO, its not at all normal in Indian families. Dear, its so sad that you were born and brought up in such a family..! But over is over! Good that you got this site to share your past..Its a way to lighten the burden in your heart. I have heard of some of my friends who was abused by Indian men. So its happening in INDIA but that being your step-dad was a problem for you.

You are a bright, independant lady and all your dark sides are over. Not all Indian men are like your step-dad, or your ex-boyfriend. There are many good guys lady.. Go, enjoy your life, you will get a wonderful guy when your time turns up! Its not necessary to open up your past to your friends (be it, girl or a boy). You don't have to share this even with your husband! Its perfectly alright. You have not done any mistake. Keep this in your mind and start looking forward for the bright side of your life!

All the best to you!!

Loving2011 · Dec 28, 2011

Thank you again for all of the heartfelt replies and believing me. As some of us know, an abusive parent rarely admits to their actions. Being the only one that's a witness to your story can be hard.

To Sandhya-I'm sorry if my last reply sounded rude. I was just reminded of people making assumptions of who I am, but I can see your point about mom dictating my genuine self. I'm currently reading Swami Prabhuda's "The journey of self-discovery".

In closing, I wanted to say that I made this post was very stressed. The holidays are triggering. The post wasn't indicative of how I am every single day. I think I've done quite a bit in recovering, but I sometimes have my "slumps." To all of the abuse survivors out there, remind yourselves that it's okay to sometimes be thrown off your balance beam. Recovery isn't a straight line. You have your ups and your downs.

What I got out of this thread is just have the guts to know what other Indians think. I got my answer.

In my heart, I know what's best for me to do. The only solution is to maintain my action plan, and that is to

1) Be happy. Let go of anger and resentment.
2) Keep present
3) Enjoy life and do all of the things that I couldn't do when I was young
4) Take care of myself and the universe rewards me in return.
5) Be surrounded by kind and respectful people that are in my best interest.

Take care ladies and have a happy new year! This thread can be done with now.

Shanvy · Dec 28, 2011

Loving2011,

Kudos to you girl. having those slumps is very normal. even the best of philosophies doctrined do not say it is easy to forget though forgiving can be practiced.

I can say you are doing it really good from the point where i stand in my life. I can very well relate to what you feel, and what you want to do..though there are times you are going to feel like being held under water for a longer time then needed with force, i am sure, you are going to come out with a good pair of stronger lungs in the process..figuratively..

you will be a better parent, better person at the end..afterall we are defined by our experiences and our understanding of those.

I only have one thing,..remember, you can never satisfy anybody who does not want to be, who is always in the habit of pointing out mistakes. you can learn to respect yourself, forgive yourself (because, after a point it is more about ourselves succumbing to those abuse rather than the hatred towards the abuser). it is in fact what all the thing that we need to do as we move towards that road to self discovery.

I came back to this thread, just to say, that you can talk about your fear, your frustrations, your slumps,but let us talk about them as families in general. though i would like to point out at the generalization that is quoted in this thread, i would just stand by what i said initially, let us not paint the whole world with the same brush.

Happy new year to you and to happy beginnings..:cheers

sripree · Dec 28, 2011

Dear Loving2011,

I know you've said your thread is closed now, but I just want to share my story with you. Maybe it will reinforce some of the insights you've gained in this thread.

I was born and raised in India. At the age of 21, I had an arranged marriage with an Indian born and raised in the UK. I was v happy and fully willing to get married. Alas, I was very young and naive. I gave my absolute best to the marriage, but my husband was not at all interested in me. The marriage failed in 9 months. While my husband hardly spoke to me, forget, physical intimacy, I had something more disturbing happening in my marriage. My FIL was the one who was making subtle moves at me. I know! YUCK! At that time I was too naive to realise. But he'd hug and kiss me and hold my waist and brush against my breasts 'accidentally', at every opportunity he found, all the while saying that I was his 'new daughter'. I thought this was British culture and didn't take it seriously. It is the reverse of your situation. I had no standard to compare against - this was the only family in Britain I knew and though I must put up with it as they are Indians who've live in Britain for such a long time. Apart from this, he constantly told his son not to have sex with me, until I learnt all the household chores and 'performed' my role as DIL up to the mark. My husband was someone who had no opinions of his own and just blindly listened to his dad. On EVERYTHING! If I had stayed there longer, the FIL would've have totally taken my virginity. I so know it! Now, after 2 years of living in the UK I know quite well that British FILs hardly touch their DILs. He was just a creep.

This was just one part of why we got a divorce. The real reason i got thrown out of my marital home, at 2 am one fine night, was because my MIL read my personal journal where I had written about my uncle (dad's younger bro) who'd abused me beginning age 12 upto age 15. They accused me of voluntarily having sex with my uncle and told me that I was not a virgin and that I was a stained flower and gave me a lot of trash. They booked a flight ticket back to India without my knowledge and forced me to leave. After I arrived in India, they cancelled my spouse visa making it impossible for me to return. After a two year battle, I am now divorced with a handsome one time alimony which paid for grad school

But coming to your questions

1. As you can see, abusers can be Indians living in India (my uncle) or Indians living in the west (my FIL - I was 21 and he was 60).
2. My parents were super supportive when I finally told them at age 21 (leading up to my divorce) about my uncle who abused me all along. My dad hit his younger brother and severed all ties with him and his family in the last 4 years. I have however reached a different state of mind, where I've learnt to forgive my abuser. I found that this is what gives me most inner peace. I maintain a cordial relationship with my abuser uncle, his wife and both my cousins (who are teens and probably don't know about it). I am now trying to get my parents to forgive them and build back the burnt bridges. In my case, I feel that I've succeeded in making my uncle feel guilty every time I smile and say nice things to him. However, I also believe that all child abusers should be brought to justice and it can never be acceptable. This is just my way of dealing with it.

3. Yes, divorce is certainly a stigma in India as I found out at the young age of 22. But, it is only a stigma if you want it to be. I personally experienced a career peak post-separation. I worked like a superwoman. I put in all my disappointment as hard work. It was a fabulous period. I had no time to let anyone say anything really. Besides, even if they did, how does it affect my life? I am an independent, well-educated, smart woman. Who cares? People who speak might not even be making half as much money as I did when I was just 23 or 24! At 23 I was living a cosmopolitan lifestyle having all the fun in the world!

3. No, not all Indian men would treat you bad if you confided in them about your horrible experience. I am getting married in a few months. My second marriage is with an indian guy, born and raised in India. it is his first marriage. We are both of the same age. his family is totally cool with the whole divorce thing. My fiance knows all about my past and he never EVER brings it up. Even if I voluntarily talk about it, he is respectful enough to say, 'it's ok if you don't want to talk about it. I completely understand. you don't have to explain. I don't really need to know.' There are Indian men out there who are sensible and sensitive. not everyone is a jerk like ur ex! What an A**hole!

It is amazing that you are on therapy and it has helped so much. It was not easy for me either. I had to go through therapy throughout grad school. It was super tough for me to do my coursework well. but i managed If I can do it, so can you ALl the best