1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Need your perspective on my Indian family: TRIGGER WARNING

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Loving2011, Dec 24, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    291
    Likes Received:
    182
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    The following might be disturbing. I'm requesting you to be respectful. If nobody talks about this issue, then nothing will get done. I'm not interested in hearing how "these things don't happen Indian culture" when they do.

    When the poster winpie said that controlling parents were uncommon in Indian culture, it just made me think about all of the stuff that I was raised to think was "normal." My mom and biological father split when I was young. He was very violent. My mom married my step-dad, whom I call "dad." I was taught to think that my biological father was non-existent. My mom and "dad" said that to never tell any Indian that about my mom divorcing and remarrying. They said that Indians look down on divorced and remarried women. They said that they don't want to attract unwanted gossip by "putting our business" out there. They said that I will have a hard time getting married to a good Indian man if the Indian community knows that my dad is a step-father. As a child, I passively obeyed and told everyone how my step-father is my biological dad.

    My mom worshipped my dad (step-dad) over the years, but he started to sexually abuse me in middleschool. I kept quiet for obvious reasons. As a 12 year old, I thought isn't this taboo to talk about? What if nobody believed me? What if I get blamed? What if I hurt my mom's feelings since she idolizes him? Who is going to provide for us, since my dad is the main financial provider?

    When I was 24, I finally had disclosed my mom the truth about what my dad was trying to do when I was 12. She was angry, but she wanted to stay with him. She also wanted me to still not tell any Indian that he is actually my step-father. She wants me to still call him "dad." She wanted me to forget about everything and not rock the boat. She's a very reputation-conscious woman and would die if she had to leave my dad, and then explain it to other Indians.

    My family was liberal in the sense where they let me date, as long as the young man was Indian. Some of the Indian families I knew didn't let their daughters date at all. The Indian man I had dated was sadly much like my dad. He told me that it's my fault for being sexually abused, and that I should just shut up and put with it. He guilted me for wanting to move out of my parents' home, and said "Look at how much your parents did for you. It's bad that you are complaining about your parents! Your dad isn't a bad guy. Give him a second chance. Your mom is fighting for you, and this is how you treat her? You have no sympathy for your mom, because she loves your dad. " My Indian ex- boyfriend didn't understand how much pain I was in for being sexually abused and having a mom that chose a pedophile over me. In America, sexually abusing a child is a heinous crime. I desperately wanted to get out of that house and live a happy life, but my Indian ex-boyfriend told me I was too dumb to live on my own. My Indian ex-boyfriend also said that "Your Indian husband will hate you if you ever tell him what your dad did to you. He will think that you willingly had sex with your dad." Is he right? Will an Indian husband really judge you for that? In America, an adult touching a child is a crime. Some even say child sexual abuse is worse than murder. I'm disturbed if someone doesn't seem to understand that.


    Ever since I moved out of my parents' house and kicked that ex-boyfriend to the curb, I've had little contact with Indians. If I do have contact with them, I don't share these details. I really don't know what's normal and what's not normal amongst Indians.

    It seems like this forum has Indians from all backgrounds. Indians that are divorced. Indians that don't have parents that dictate their lives. What would be the average Indian's opinion on my family? There's a chance that most will not even reply to this thread. Hey, at least I tried.

    If my family and my Indian ex-boyfriend are a rare occurrence, then I'm very angry at why I was lied to for so many years. As I said in the other thread, I missed out on a lot of things that other people got to do.

    Ever since I moved out of my parents' home at 25, that was when I truly experienced life and the real world for what it is.
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2011
    Loading...

  2. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,323
    Likes Received:
    1,488
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Loving2011,First of all your post has nothing to do with being Indian or not. So remove that thought out of your mind.You are 25 yr old and you shud live life on your terms. Not on terms your mom set for you . You shud decide about who you date or dont date. Your boyfriend was a loser to talk such garbage to you. I dont know what made you chose him. I wudnt want such a person for a friend much less a boyfriend.

    You shud not form opinion on Indians based on what your mom said or your boyfriend said. People shud know people and then form opinion. Not all Indians are that. I dont think any Indian will talk nonsense like ur boyfriend and think its sensible to talk such things.Anyway, your mom is forcing her opinion on you about people. You have the freedom of expression. You shud have called the cops on your step dad when he abused you first. If your mom loved him she shud have handled that issue and not made you keep quiet. She doesnt look like a mom you can confide in.

    You shud have the choice to tell people about your life. Not your mom 's ideas. You are an adult. If you feel comfortable telling about ur stepdad you can do ahead and do it. Divorce is not a stigma in Indian society. If people look down at divorced people thats their problem not yours. You seem to be having trouble trying to live your life in confines of your mom's words. Get out of it . Seek some therapy. You need to clear ur mind to your wishes and desires. I am sorry to say it will be upsetting if a mother said the daughter has to keep quiet if her step dad abused her. She shud not be doing that.Period.

    Please take some therapy with regards to your mom foistering her ideas on you and the abuse. You seem to be having a conflicting past. Cut contact from your mom , seek therapy and join some hobby classes. Get a new wardrobe and change your appearance. Let all this be according to what you wish. Not what your mom wants. It will give a fresh start and a new personality.

    You dont have to marry an Indian per say. Marry someone you love and want. You seem to be confused b/n asserting your own personality and what your mom and so called dad want you to be.Your mom seems to be very cold hearted towards you to not to think about ur safety and instead think about not rocking the boat. what crock. I am sorry she is not much of a mother but only a society woman of false ideals. What she said is not true at all. Divorced women are not looked down.

    You shud be deciding whom to date. Not your family. Unless they arrange your marriage.You seem to have a hard time getting out of your mom and dad's clutches. Mentally.Your boyfriend is disgruntled nut at best. He shud have his head examined. You seem to go from one controlling person to another. Where are you as a person ? from one shadow to another. You need to build a life of your own.your hobbies, your friends and not you doing something someone else wants.You talk all about law , but what did you do in that regard. If someone told me what your bf said, I wud have kicked him out of my life immediately.No your bf is not right. A sensible Indian man will not tell you willingly had intimacy with ur stepdad. Its just that you need to find him. But how will you unless u come out of coccoon you weaved around urself of your mom ,dad , ex bf.

    All in all you need to spread your wings and experience life on ur terms. Meet Indian or any people and judge on your own. Cut contact with your mom and step dad. Make a life of your own. Good Luck.
     
    12 people like this.
  3. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,460
    Likes Received:
    1,060
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    My dear loving, hugs to you.I felt really sad when I read about you being abused.you were brought up here and most of the kids here are bold unlike in India.Why can't you at least call 911.Don't say that ' I do not know'.

    You know now a days India and Indians have changed a lot.Some people have no ,moral values at all.They call themselves very modern and do all nasty things.
    And to answer your question regarding child sex abusers, it happens in some places in India and most of them are hidden due to fear or prestige.Only few cases are brought out and the abusers are punished.
    How come your mom was so naive about bringing up a girl child with a person who is not actually the child's dad.At least the fear or some other strange reaction in your face while you spoke to that man should have shown to her that something was wrong.

    There is nothing wrong about maintaining a reputation for the family.But according to me a child's welfare and peace of mind is to be given more importance than anything else for a mother.I say your mother is the
    one at fault.

    And regarding divorce , it happens in India too.But not as much as it happens here.And now a days no one ever cares whether the person is divorced or not.May be they care in the beginning but as the days pass by they take it lightly and move on.

    Please stop thinking about your mom and her preachings.You try to live your life.What makes you think about your mom constantly.Is she preaching you day in and day out?

    Just tell her that you are very much a matured person and you know very well how to handle people and how to live your life.
     
    2 people like this.
  4. Anikha

    Anikha Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    245
    Likes Received:
    237
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Loving 2011,

    My hearty congratulations to you for getting out of your mom's home.You should have done this long back as soon as you turned 18.

    Any way , now you are out for good.

    Now , coming to Indian culture , why do you single out Indian culture or hate Indian men ?

    If you are born to an american lady, or Latino lady they would preach their own culture's greatness.
    Mothers teach to their kids , what know , what they have seen.Your mother is Indian , she can't teach
    you Greek or British culture , right ?

    She wants you get married to an Indian guy , that's because she is comfortable with Indian families, that's the fact of most Indian families living in U.S.It's not that American guys are bad, most Indian moms could not even explain the simple " comfort Zone" concept to their American raised kids.

    I just want to remind you of Hillary Clinton, who excused her husband after what he did to her.

    .

    Yes, we are glad , America has enough money , resources to implement laws, which is what this country is a great destination for many people like us. Show some pity on INdian economy .

    No one culture is free of abusive relationships and domestic violence .India has its own share.That's a FACT.

    Here are more facts if you want to know : just a click away:

    Who are the Victims? | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network

    Lifetime rate of rape /attempted rape for women by race:1

    All women: 17.6%
    White women: 17.7%
    Black women: 18.8%
    Asian Pacific Islander women: 6.8%
    American Indian/Alaskan women: 34.1%
    Mixed race women: 24.4%

    Girl, grow up, marry some one, whom you think , you are safe , forget race.

    Best wishes again.
     
    2 people like this.
  5. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,599
    Likes Received:
    747
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    Loving,
    You have been through so much at such a young age. Hugs to you dear.
    I remember answering in your other threads. I repeat myself " you need to get your mom out of your head"
    " you need to ignore and not give in to your mom's bullying"
    I agree with what chocolate says.
    Please get counseling and live your life on your terms.
     
  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    23,357
    Likes Received:
    26,257
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    Loving,

    Hugs and just hugs first.

    I believe that you are confused too much thinking that it is the indian culture that is the culprit and the american culture is rosy. it is always so. you know the thing that really appeals to you, and you don't get, as a child gets registered in memory. in this case it could have been your american classmates family or something and without your realising it. i still remember how my classmate's mom used to feed my classmate (we were 10) at the busstop , while i had to pack my own. just an example of what gets registered..

    Before i go into the issue of rape, pedophile, I would like to tell you if you use a search function in the parenting section, you would come across a few experiences of ladies, who have come out of these abuses, and married and some of them have told their husbands about it and the husbands have been very understanding. I do not have the time to search for them right now.

    There was a stigma about divorcee and remarriage agreed. i still believe your mom could have taken a stand to be brave and open and be more proud about her taking a decision of moving out of a marriage and marrying again. it is not about the culture, it is more about your mom's inability to tackle or let us say she took the easy way out. IF she was loyal to your step dad, and inspite of your talking about your issues, then it means she was not so brave enough and she needed a companion to hold on to, even at the risk of losing her daughter's respect and love and there are moms like that in all parts of the world, it is not just being indian. Though i do not wish to discuss, i can understand that type of weakness in a parent, having seen one in close quarters. they want to stick on to the partner at all costs. it takes more than courage to stand up for what is right..

    Coming to your boyfriend, good that you kicked him out. it is ok if there are guys who feel that your marriage will not happen, if you disclose your past, you are better without them. i am sure there are many out there who are more understanding and give importance to the person than the parents or past.

    Loving, if you make mistakes, do not take the easy way out, or blame on your childhood. you can be braver, make the mistakes learn from them and move ahead. learn to judge, and learn to love. do not lose hope or color people with the same brush. you have started analysing a lot and it is the right direction, but you need to do that with a more open mind..I have seen ladies who have tackled abusive childhood, narcissistic mom's, abusive boyfriends, and still moved on to become successful and happy in life .

    As a Indian mom raised the way you say, with a teenage daughter and son, i have given the courage to my daughter to fight abuse, and if it is beyond her scope of fighting she can come to me, and she knows I CAN KILL FOR HER .

    If you are not able to overcome the haunting of the past by yourself, you need to get some help, there is nothing wrong in getting help to overcome the issues.

    P.S.As a parent, i do not expect my kids to do anything for me because i raised them. i did it out of my choice..if they want to do something for me, it is their choice and is nothing forced on them today/tomorrow.
    Wish you all the best..
     
    5 people like this.
  7. uslady

    uslady New IL'ite

    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    In some ways your situation is uniquely Indian. Take a look at the Study on Child Abuse done by the WCD ministry in 2007. It revealled that 53% of Indian children were sexually abused. This is one of the highest numbers in the world! The closeness of the family is good, except that it also means that you can never "betray" a family member for doing something bad to you! The study indicated that the parents and relatives were the main abusers. The family pressure is so great, it is not a surprise that you couldn't tell anyone. Remember, it is never the fault of the child brought up in such a situation! The abuser, and you mother too, must answer for that. You can move on now, please don't blame yourself! Abuse happens all over, but your backround made it more probable. Shame on your stepfather for using family closeness to do this!
     
    1 person likes this.
  8. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,627
    Likes Received:
    1,621
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    You work with children who are abused....you are aware of the process of how children learn to separate themselves from the act of abuse...understanding that they are the not guilty party. So work from there.

    You must confront your mom and step dad about what happened. This kind of behavior is very common irrespective of culture. In one particular school where I worked (in the US) for several years, I had had only two children who hadn't been sexually abused by a family member...since then I've worked in two other countries and again, abuse by family members is the highest prevalent cause, followed closely by abuse by members of the majority culture as these are poor immigrants stuck in unfavorable positions in their lives.
    Abuse by family members is not typical of any culture...the stigma attached to the child is dependent On the culture though...and yes, that stigma is what prevents people from tackling it openly. This stigma is more prevalent in middle class...because appearances matter a lot to them!
    That doesn't mean that you shouldnkeep quiet...if you do bring it out into the open, it will force your family members to deal with their limitations. Wouldn't you do it for any other kind of inequity?

    You should be aware of the importance of confronting the perpetrator for the child's self esteem and to learnt develop positive relationships in future. Since you work with children who are abused, you must know that a lot of the victims end up in abusive relationships...because the initial conflict has never been resolved. Hopefully you are undergoing therapy....on the plus side, you seem to be strong enough to hold a life together, with a job that is meaningful to you and thoughts on the future...go with your strengths and tackle it
     
  9. mansimahi

    mansimahi Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    610
    Likes Received:
    849
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Hugs to you!!!!! and congrats for coming out of the hell-hole.

    It is somewhat true that in india, we have an ostrich like attitude... hide our head and live in denial that such things happen in our "culture" .... especially when talking about sexual abuse or any other kind of abuse in the hands of a parent or any adult. Although now, there is some awareness among the urban youth about how to deal with such things and few people are even willing to come out in public to tell others how they dealt with the demons of the past., but still we have a long way to go. Your mother although living in the US must still be retaining the conservative thoughts and ideas of her time and forcing you to follow them. No matter what your mother / ex-bf says - you are in no way to be blamed. Come out of the guilt and make the culprits answerable to their deeds.

    Now that you have come out that place and are independent, you have to put a closure to the past and move on. Go in for therapy or confront your parents and bring it out in the open.... the society, family reputation that they are concerned about will not do anything for YOU as an individual. You have to find your own peace., which will be possible only when you confront the past and the people who have abused you. Once you have put a closure to it, you will be able to find the right guy (indian or anyother) for you who will accept you as you are., and have a healthy and beautiful relationship.

    Be strong and you will be able to find the happiness that you richly deserve.
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. lakshmi13

    lakshmi13 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    121
    Likes Received:
    309
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi


    Hugs to you and congrats for showing guts and moving out of your house. Being abused as a child leaves a scar that cannot be easily healed. please visit a counsellor or psychologist to get over it. Marry only the person you trust and love. it is not necessary that you should marry only an Indian. Irrespective of the country of origin, what matters most is whether he respects you as an individual and loves you for what you are.

    Think positive. now that you are out of the hell, yoour future will be better. Once again hugs to you for having so much courage.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page