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Need Your Guidance To Make This Final Decision

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Jan 23, 2018.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks again ladies for your time

    @paru123
    He is not responsible towards his birth family, if so, he would have found a way to earn more to meet their financial needs. Instead, he swipes off more and more on credit cards whenever the demands come from their ends. He might do the same if I press him further too. But what is the point?

    @Rihana
    I am surprised at the way you have responded to this thread. In fact, it made me see how differently people see the same problem as per their own experiences and calculations.

    My mom is living with me, not because she has no place to live, or no people to care for her. It is because, I was abandoned by my H after an unexpected bankrupt (H took away everything from our joint bank acc then), and I was not feeling strong physically and emotionally to bounce back that time. It was primarily because I had a newborn with me. I ended up giving up my life so soon, but my mom chose to stay with me as a pillar of support, so that I could bounce back in life independently as I am today.
    From that time, up until today, my mom is here living with me, against all the odds, to help me with the kids, so that I can be the primary bread-winner of this family. The rest is history.
    Had my H been responsible a little, things would have been different.
    His credit cards, and financial abuse against me was the reason behind my mom's stay here.
    Of course he has changed, and behaving all good now (otherwise), but I can't chase my mom out for this. Period.


    It is the main issue here.
    A spouse (regardless of his gender) becomes a problem in any marriage if he/she comes with a huge debt, and does nothing to get rid of it. Besides, his/her irresponsibility towards the family he/she created matters too.
    My views or his views about earning doesn't matter as long as if he could earn enough to pay his loans and for the family or enable me to earn enough for both, by taking complete responsibility of the family front.
    It is quite surprising to see your response here today :(
     
  2. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    @justanothergirl & @Vedhavalli

    You are right. There is no doubt that option #2 is the most cleaver choice among what is available as per my unique situation.
    And I have posted my threads here to 1) get my decision validated from others 2) to get some ideas to convince my real life folks who may disapprove of my choice.
    But fortunately, this thread had taken a different direction, where well meaning folks have started discussing about my sanity and the stress that I am gonna take up in both these available options.
    Apparently I will have to take up a huge stress and burden, that too in a long run to make it happen. That's why the friends here advises me of alternatives.
    They try to see why it is not my H, who takes the primary financial burden or at least primary physical/emotional/mental burden of the family?
    They try to see why I am not pushing him enough?
    They try to see why he is allowed to enjoy a bachelor kind of life, while I am expected be extra responsible to balance this.
    And some do try to see from his POV, and his parents POV too to spice up this on-line discussion.

    In fact, I am getting some clarity after answering all these questions, and they help me to try one more time before giving it up so soon.
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    @yellowmango
    Thanks again for your constant pushing. I feel like I shouldn't give up on this.
    In fact, I had a heart to heart discussion with him since morning regarding his credit cards.
    Before opening up on anything, I clearly mentioned to him that I have no intention to take up any international jobs down the line, as I feel my kids and family should be my first priority.
    And then, I told him that I will think twice about my present job which pays a decent salary (but with unreasonable work-life balance). This way, i made it clear that if need arises, I will not hesitate to quit this job, and move back to be with kids at home.
    This way, I made it clear that I don't see anything about our future or present, but the comfort in a very convincing tone.
    So, that he can not feel comfortable thinking his wify dear will take care of whatever the financial burdens ahead of us.
    I feel bad for giving him this sort of comfort all these while.
    Because, he knew from the beginning that I am a fighter, and that I will do anything to build our life.
    Now that, the massage is delivered to him loud and clear that his wife is tired and her focus is now changing....

    He reluctantly opened up his credit cards statements (on-line), finally after several years of attempt (thanks YM, in fact I have no patience that I used give up each time he refuses, but this time for a week or so, I kept on insisting him)
    All the credit balance were full. But it seems he pays the minimum balance each month, so that they allow him to swipe some more amount for the month. Like if he pays 5K, the card allows him to swipe for 15K for the month.
    And it is on a rolling basis he uses all his 3 cards each month.
    That's why, despite of paying his credit card installments for the past 6-7 years, his credit balance remains the same.
    When I confronted, he says he is financially tight after the car loan, and basic expenditure for the family now. So, he uses the cards to help his folks out.
    And he admitted that he was irresponsible before, but for the past couple of years he hadn't spent any penny uselessly, but committed to spend for his folks.
    He can't escape from this web with his present job. So, I encouraged him to look for a better job as per his qualifications, so that his credit card loans could be paid off in 1 year within his salary, while he can manage all the other expenses with whatever remaining.
    I made him apply for 4 good positions, with great salary.
    And hopefully he can secure a job very soon.
    Besides, I have asked him to submit all his credit cards to me once he settles with his new job.
    Now that, I am gonna work hard to push him towards these new job openings. I believe if he/we try enough, it is not difficult to secure a much better job soon.

    If that happens, I will keep on thanking you @yellowmango for making, rather pushing me to see this option.
    I tried, and tried earlier, but each time when he failed to corporate, i got demotivated and found my own coping mechanism to deal with this gap. Now that, it seems working :) Keeping the fingers crossed.
     
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    @Laks09
    Thanks for all your valid points and emotional supports :)

    No. Currently we have a full time maid, and a visiting nanny who would do these work on my absence. My mom is overseeing them, which is not the problem.
    The problem is that my H doesn't see the importance of kids waking up ontime, going to school or eating right etc... like a responsible parent.
    Sometimes, he even forget to get their medicines unless he is reminded, or ordered, as he won't do them on his own like other parents.
    When he is like this, it is important that someone else is actively involved with or without his liking if I am to go out of the house.
    There are days when mom is not around, and he is no different.

    This is my point. But I am confident that I can get another opportunity as this one soon.
    All I need is a proper ground work, so that my efforts will be fully paid off.
    If not, even a good money seems pointless with all the emotional stress I will have to go through with this ground arrangements.
    That's why I am putting my foot down one last time to settle things straight at least to some extend, before I make the final decision.

    This, I have done already
     
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  5. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    Some more suggestions:
    1) Visit the astrologer along with your husband and FIL and find out from him how long problems and hindrances will be there in his career path. You can mentally wait till that period thinking he will change for sure in future. If it's a life long thing then you need to seriously think about your husband as to how much value/meaning he is going to add into your as well as your children's life. If any corrections can be done in the astrological front do that.

    2) credit card debts never decrease until you take a wise action to remove it fully in the first place. If you can discuss with your in-laws, husband and try to sell off any disposable property or jewellery (even mil's if she can help her son) to start everything fresh and from zero. There is no need to feel shame or lowly to take help from in laws. Convince them that your husband will buy them the sold property once he recovers from this financial mess that he has created by regular swiping of credit bills. Once all the debts are cleared don't give your husband any credit card and be firm n strict that he can spend only what he can earn. Some financial counselling is required here.
    3) If you want to make your husband financially responsible sit at home for some time and live with his salary alone. He will have to find a better paying job or you can decide about his future in your life.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I think you need to go through my older posts, as they have the replies to your suggestions. Nevertheless, thanks for your time.

    1) I don't believe in horoscope. Secondly, my H is stuck with this horoscope thing for the past 1 decade, as he has been tied, rather discouraged by his folks each time I tried to bring something good for him.
    I used to make him apply for posts, and there he will be shortlisted, and with all my influence and all my H used to be almost closer to getting a good post. There comes my FIL with a bloody horoscope chart only to discourage him not to go ahead from that point.
    I am still not sure whether they are foolishly blinded with this horoscope stuff or using it as an excuse to stay irresponsible from their duties.
    I am all for those who truly believe in it. It is their choice. But it needs to be practiced with a pinch of salt.
    I mean, you can't stay away from your responsibility blindly, just because your horoscope is bad. How convincing is this?>??

    2) The main reason behind my H's debt - that too his pre-marital and initial days of marriage debts are his parents. He was made to support them blindly even after loosing his job. That's why he used credit cards to continue his supports for them.
    His parents are here to drain him as much as they can. They can't be expected to support him.
    If they stop draining him, rather leave him alone, that itself becomes a huge support for us. In this case, we will find a way to sort out this debt somehow.

    3) I have tried to sit at home in the past, only to end up bankrupted together with my H. I can't risk the same again, specially loosing my good employable years and career. Besides, I am no longer a single woman to risk all that again, as I have kids, and their formative years are so important. I can't risk their School fees, and other stuff, you see.
     
  7. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV big hug to you! I am glad that your husband listened to you and now at least you have a clearer picture of his financial burden and a hope for better job. Some people need an external push while others are self motivated. I see a lot of myself in you. I am very much independent and self motivated like you and find it hard to believe that someone who is very intelligent is not willing to achieve what they should. My husband is the one who needs the push at times. Fortunately, he is great with budget and kids an
     
  8. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV big hug to you! I am glad that your husband listened to you and now at least you have a clearer picture of his financial burden and a hope for better job. Some people need an external push while others are self motivated. I see a lot of myself in you. I am very much independent and self motivated like you and find it hard to believe that someone who is very intelligent is not willing to achieve what they should. My husband is the one who needs the push at times. Fortunately, he is great with budget and kids and in every way an equal partner so no complaints there. But I feel you, it is frustrating to be with someone who isn’t motivated.

    You were on my mind all week. I wanted to tell you the story of my oldest sister. In a way to motivate you that even if it feels overwhelming at the time, being a decision maker has its own benefits too.
    My sister was married at 21 and has been married for 30 years. Hers was love marriage. My BIL didn’t have a job but had a lavish life because his father had a successful business. His father was mostly out of the house on business trips and his mom and siblings spent the money as they pleased. My sister got a job right out of the college and was working. The FIL passed away in an accident a year after my sister’s wedding and no one in the family had any idea about business dealings. Since no one was interested in business, the partner pretty much took over and didn’t give them much money. They did have s nice, big house in city though. My BIL got a good job a year after and he just retired last year (in India 58 is retirement age for government employees) and was immediately hired by a company at double the salary he made at the peak of his career. All these years, he didn’t give a penny for household expenses. He paid for his cars that he changed every 5 years, to his mom because she lives with them and has no other income, and rest he just spends on himself- shoes, watches, glasses, clothes...it’s hard to believe but he has more stuff than any woman I have known. He travels all over the country and will buy 10 pairs of shoes at a time if he likes, not just for himself but for my sister too. She hates it but can’t do much about his obsession. Same way, once he bought her 15 phulkari dupatta, in short, he is very irresponsible with money.
    The good thing is- he has no idea how much my sister makes, never asks her about savings etc. she has singlehandedly put both kids through school and college and provided everything. Both of my nephews are settled now and she can travel and spend money as she pleases. My BIL is still clueless and admires (in front of others, won’t say directly to her) her independence and financial planning. Now, since he is earning very handsome salary and can spend on his fancy stuff without digging in savings, he let my sister invest his retirement benefits.
    She suffered a lot, tried her best to make him responsible at least for kids expenses but he would do for a month or two and then back to his old ways of spending on unnecessary stuff. She finally gave up and worked out her own budget plan. Finally, she feels that her hard work paid off.
    Hope your husband mend his ways sooner and you don’t have to wait forever.

    Hang in there! This shall pass too!
     
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  9. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    Sgbv, you can follow the technique followed by the above posters sister. At least you can be happy that your DH is not spending money on useless things for showing off. He is spending it on his parents for their medical or something which I guess is not fully unwanted. Let him do that but not through his credit card and only if he has extra money in his debit card after committing a fixed amount for your family's regular expense. You can save everything that you are earning for future expenses. Teach him to say no to his parents demands. He has siblings right, let them also pitch in for his parents needs. Call a meeting with them and firmly discuss that everyone needs to contribute for their parents expenses and not your husband alone. You can't be nice to everyone at inlaws place, blaming your husband all the time for his financial mess. Help him in clearing his credit card debt and then you can implement new changes.
     
  10. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Hii, i think you havent read her prev posts. She is ready to clear his debt of cards. But going by his personality, she knows that he will take new credit cards behind her back. Hence she is not doing jt.



    Dear SGBV,
    You are strong. I admire you. Is it possible to take your H to a financial counseller? Have you asked him how long does he plan to go on like this and what does he think about his after retirement phase? Ask him does he not want to change himself atleast to be a role model for your children?
    If he is the traditional type then make him take oath on God or kids or his parents that he will not be irresponsible and will try to change. Give him ultimatum.
     
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