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Need Your Guidance To Make This Final Decision

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Jan 23, 2018.

  1. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    OP, Looks like you tried and finally accepted the fact, you cannot make him responsible financially anymore or in future. I too agree not to waste time to change him, when you have passion , potential and the offer.
    You can rely on two things fo the benefit of your kids, MOM and CAREER.
    The biggest credit is your mother staying with you. Your brother and relatives stay close to your place, incase of emergency she can take thier help. utilise this oppurtunity to build your career now. Your work nature, availablity of oppurtunity, are unknown to many of us, so working in foreign land or in your local place should be your decision.
    1. After gaining required experience, keep looking for opening in your local city. Do not think of getting simple job and disturb your career ladder.
    2. Invest part of your earning for kids education or on property. Don't share the details to your husband. He may become even more lethargic. If he questions you, you ask him about credit card thing.
  2. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks @Laks09 for your understanding.
    I am all for sharing and respecting spouse with love. You know me, right.
    But this unique situation needs different handling than love, respect and sharing which comes with any marriage. That's why I am here for suggestion.

    I know he can't change in this aspect. That's why I am not even hoping for it.
    I know that I have to take it on my shoulder if it things need to go smoothly for the family. Thankfully, I am good at that, and I am yet to be tired in this journey either.

    He isn't a responsible man. Forget about being a responsible husband or dad. He isn't responsible for himself either.
    He doesn't do it purposefully, but this is his design. I don't think that I can change him.
    But I have figured out a way to handle him. That is to direct him everytime if I need something to be done.
    It works well.
    Eg: If I want his support with the kids, like bathing them, dressing them, dropping them at School or even helping them with homeworks, buying stuff for them and there are plenty of things a parent has to do at home. So, I would ASK him, rather order him. I would follow up with him with series of reminders and stuff to get done the work.
    It works.... But it is important that I need to invest a lot of mental work to get done all this.
    I need to be around, monitoring and overseeing what he does, so it works. He is being very much helpful when it comes to parenting this way.
    I wouldn't find any other reliable and trust worthy person to co-parent with me, if he is not around.
    Even if it is hard work, I feel I have someone to do it together with me.
    But at the same time, he can't be trusted to do all these works at my absence. He is not that responsible to take this initiate and work on his own.
    Eg: He would bath the kid if I ask him to do so. That too after repeated calls.
    But if I am not around, he won't bath them. He won't mind them being late to School or even missing School.
    So, it is important that I should be around to make him a parent.
    As long as I am around, he is fine minus this financial part. But that too, I have somewhat controlled as per my past post above.

    I've thought a multiple time about my foreign job since the past couple of days.
    I know, my kids need a parent around. But my mom is not just a grand parent to them. She is sometimes more than a parent.
    This is the fortune in my otherwise less fortunate life.
    Besides, they have very close uncles, aunts and relatives who loves me so dearly, so my kids also get similar love.
    And my H would be around, and they are like 3 kiddo friends together.
    This way, my kids won't miss my parenting at my absence, but definitely they will miss me.

    On the other hand, like many posters have misunderstood, I am not planning to take up this Option#2 job to pay off my H's credit card loans or any other debt.
    Personally, or even for the family front, we don't have any debt. Even the car loan is very small, and can be settled in a couple of EMIs from my H's small salary itself.
    His credit card is something his personal burden, and I don't care much about it now. Besides, I've shown him ways to earn more (as per his ability) and settle his burden on his own.
    But my intention of going to earn more, that too when I can (depends on mine and my mom's ability altogether in this set up) is to set up a well cushioned savings for our family (primarily for the kids) for their future.
    I can't make such a saving by cutting down our expenses and day today luxuries now.
    At the same time, I can't continue to earn singlehandedly for all our family's future till my last breath like this (I mean compromising so much in life)
    The option #2 would allow me to shorten my earning time window, because it gives a huge salary. Besides, it gives a great family life balance than my present career (meeting family only during weekends).
    So, my liking towards option #2 is well thought/analyzed.

    But, as many of you have suggested, I am thinking on the other side of the coin now a days.
    In fact, I have tried my best to convince my H to apply for a couple of good posts, which in fact require a location change for him.
    After my constant pushing, he has finally gave it a try. Still, there are several steps to cross, and I keep my fingers crossed in this regard.
    With God's blessings, if he could secure one of these posts, half of our burdens will be vanished in no time.
    I mean, he can save a good money in addition to all these loans and settlements of his each month, with this bigger salary.
    And that can give him the taste of self earned money - which is the key.
    If so, I can save half of my present salary together with his, and at the end of the day we will have a good savings, minus no debts.

    The problem remains the same.
    But earlier I tried to combat it alone
    Now that, after everyone's (thanks to @yellowmango & team) advice, I am trying to push my H to this battle field to join hands with me.
    This way, both will get our share of income and good family balance.

    Please continue to guide me as to how best I can make my H find good jobs, and earn and continue the same
    Laks09 likes this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks for understanding....

    I have gained required experience in this field, and that's why my career demands me to get out of the country now for the higher positions with good salary. The local positions that are open in the country are junior, middle and field based positions, which are managed by international senior managers.
    Now that, I am offered an international senior managerial post to work in another country.
    But again, the type of work that I have experience and expertise requires lots of dedication, which in return disturbs the work-life balance.

    But this time, I am thinking of letting this opportunity go. In the mean time, I am gonna push my H one last time (as per many people's suggestions) to be responsible for the family.
    I know he can't, but that isn't an excuse if he wants to stay married. I can make this clear this weekend, and he is already seeing my other side.
    As I mentioned in the above post, I am helping him out to secure a good post locally, so that he can support the family he created to some extend.

    In any case, I am all for option#2, and I glad that I was able to convince everyone concerned. If not today, may be sometimes else, I would try my best to have this well cushioned savings for my family by working in abroad for 1-2 years when I can.
  4. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    Its actually surprising that your dh behaves responsibly towards his foo. Are they giving him too much importance that he spends money for them whereas he hides his debts from you. He can understand things if he wants to. Please try to change your approach towards your husband. Treat him with more respect if you want him to see things your way. Use the same tactics that his parents use to get him in your favour.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Talking about fair/unfair, here's one alternate perspective. He seems to have spent on his FOO in the past years and maybe continues to do so, has a resultant huge credit card debt. Has a wife who he knows thinks he is not earning what is worthy of a Phd holder with 15 years experience.

    You have your mother living with you. No amount of credit card debt compares to having an in-law living with you. From your descriptions, your mother is not simply living in your house with mostly her own routine plus giving some help with your kids. She is a very active part of the household, and makes her opinions about you, your husband, your parenting, your career etc quite clear. Such parents or in-laws are like a third adult party in the marriage. Very stressful, extremely stressful for the son-in-law or DIL in this equation.

    The main issue is not that he has huge debt or is not earning enough. It is this - you both have starkly different views on how much money is enough. While he has close to zero concern about current income, expenses and future finances, you are the other extreme -- often considering building a strong (distant) future at some cost to the present.

    When there is some difference between approaches to money, it can be conquered and the difference also contributes to a nice balance [pun intended]. When the approaches are so apart, it is difficult to reach a mutually acceptable middle.
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2018
    shri0218, paru123 and Amica like this.
  6. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV Let me try to list the two options
    #1 U are currently already doing this. 5 days a week u are out of home . Ur husband and mom manage the kids.
    Weekends u are home .
    #2 U r out of town 7 days . U get 4 weeks off every couple of months.
    So the only difference between the two is 8 days (all weekend days)
    The 8 days are compensated (generously) every couple of months and u actually get to stay the whole time with ur family (even during their work week)
    How is any of this different from what it is today. Clearly u are out of town during workweek and the combo (he + mom + whole FOO ) is managing..u will continue to do the same . What am I missing?
    Amica likes this.
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I would say you are giving up too soon on making him a bit more responsible towards you family ....both help wise and money wise.

    You have been married only for 6-7 years. That is a very small time line in a marriage.If you give up so early,he will not change ever.
    Give him ultimatums,take him for counselling ,in extreme case,try temporary seperation.Make him realize he has to do more .

    Take away his credit cards. Make him swear he will not get one behind your back or else you move out.
    Let him use a debit card.
    Make him show his finances.
    Tell him to put his entire salary in a account you have access to and then pay loans and use it from that account so that you are aware of his spendings. If he wants a happy marriage,let him work on it to.
    Make him pay the loan first.
    Make him pay for car loan .
    Make a grocery list and make him get it from his money .
    Make him pay the electricity bills.
    Then let him do what he wants with the rest.
    If he wants more spending money,let him go out and earn some more.

    As for helping at home. Designate some jobs to him permanantly. Make it his job to get kids ready and take them to school everyday. How many times will he mess up. Make him accountable .Don't just accept the irresponsible behaviour. If he messes one day....tell him to do a better job the next day but don't give up.

    Make your kids the nominee in all your investments till he mends his ways.

    Your marriage is still very young.
    Don't give up so soon on making him responsible.
    sindmani and NeetaR like this.
  8. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Gold IL'ite

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    Pls take up the job abroad, it's must for a career front.
    1) kids are young less than 10 yrs, happy with Grandma. Find a live in or full time day nanny cum cook. Kids would be in school for most part of the day. Nanny has to watch from 4 to 7 pm.. something. It will help mom. Else she will feel over burdened.

    2) arrange transportation for school like auto, cab... Usually in India there are plenty options. No idea about your place. I believe there would be fixed time cab for school.
    3) the money you would save is huge. Once gone you won't know if you get such nice offers again.
    4) tell kids, about the money which you will earn in for thier education and future. Present gen kids understand well and they know everything.
    5) your kids would become more responsible though they will miss mom. But deep inside they will be diciplined and organized.
    6) make your husband pay for groceries, utility bills. You only pay kids school and transportation fees, nanny salary. Rest by he has to manage. Lock the savings access.
    If your husband resist or ask for money to pay bills , tell him you can't do he has to take care in your absence.
    7) make spreadsheet give clear instructions on what to spend, how much , is it needed not or later. Track all expenses and savings. Show him... Today's investment is tommorow s food. Since we work in Pvt sector.
    Take up the abroad job. You will be happy.
  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    You husband is not having any real role in this family. If you take up those jobs, it will be like your mother is the only parent your children will have, while you will be the distant provider, and your husband's role will be juts like an uncle who gives a good time to the kids but nothing more than that.
    Why you are tolerating your husband's behavior? Why a father gets to be irresponsible and careless, while a grandmother is expected to be a parent? I feel very bad for your situation, praying to God to give some sense to your husband, if not as a husband atleast as a father.
    I know many Indian men love to exploit wife as an ATM to provide to their FOO, your husband is doing the same with his mysterious credit card debts.Stop giving him so much importance, until he atleast becomes a responsible parent if not a responsible husband.

  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Which is probably where half the issues lie. When you aren’t around, your mom might be doing it. And none of us like being bosses around by MIL. Can’t help this. You aren’t there, it’s up to them to deal with it.

    I agree with this view point. Opportunities don’t come knocking daily. I would think a million times before letting it go just like you. Money is important, especially when you are the primary earner.

    You are taking up all the mental stress. From pushing him to bathe the kids to pushing him to get a decent job. I’d say pick your battles. It’s hard to make someone do all of that. I would stop insisting on the school drop, bathing etc and make him pay for someone who can help with those things. That way, money is spent at home and he probably will take up the other job. If you have to push, push for the other job. Seems like he will do it if you remind him enough number of times. If you remind him only of two things odds are he will end up doing it.

    Whatever you do, keep your finances seperate and make a proper plan for the kids. I think that’s not something that your husband who lives in the present will even think about.

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