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Need Your Guidance To Make This Final Decision

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Jan 23, 2018.

  1. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    You still can manage to go out and work which already is a big achievement. I know expectations are always high than our capability and we start feeling helpless. Can you do something like do a job nearby your home and do some extra work like coordinate with some NGO or work in some project voluntarily. By this way you will be able to live at your home and can also earn little extra that I know you can manage. Just a suggestion as per my understanding.
     
  2. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Hmmm...I think, you are trying to keep your feet in both places at the same time. It is time, you adjust with your mom \ DH and move on to do what you like to do. Your mom may have limited time in lending hands to take care of your kids.

    If you are pressed financially, take the advantage of your mom's help.
     
  3. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    Reading your situation I believe its better to find a job near to your house n kids where you can daily travel even its for a lesser salary. The damage done by staying away, leaving your kids to your mother's care with an irresponsible husband will be more than the savings you can manage by doing this job. Reduce your expenses, lower your living standards if you want to save. Why buy a car for your husband when you know that his savings are less. He is already struggling with his credit card bills and you gave more worries to him.

    Reading your posts I understand that you are a very strong headed person and also the pillar of strength for your family. Why leave them alone for a few savings. If your husband was a bit more responsible then there was no need to worry.

    There is a limit to your mother taking care of your kids with an careless father around. Her grudges will increase day by day seeing your husband. Your kids are very small and you should be near them at this age.

    Its actually very difficult to change your husband job preference at this age but not impossible unless he is incapable of doing it.

    Return to your home soon or try to take your family to the place you are working or put your kids in a boarding school so that they are not influenced by your husband.
     
  4. KavithaUS

    KavithaUS Silver IL'ite

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    Hello,

    Take a step back and understand what is your financial goal. Meeting a arbitrary target will always be n+1 bank balance amount or years of working. You will never be contended.

    Leaving kids in their young age and work in far away place for "money" to maintain the "status" is not good.
    Based on all your previous post- you cannot be happy SAHM. If I got that correct.
    You need to work for passion, not money alone though. If its money then you would have to come up with tactical approach of a goal so that you can enjoy growing years of children plus have a contended career.
    In your own words- "compromising motherhood is not feminism".

    I am a firm believer that motherhood and career can co-exits. I am a living by that. I know many more C level executives working parents who have high flying career AND a family life balance.

    You are a confident women, analyze and plan. What ever you decide to do, my best wishes. This shall pass too.

    Thanks,
    K
     
  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, You need to toughen yourself and ask hubby to move out. Zest of your post is you and your family bend over backwards for family needs while hubby gets get out of everything card. He is living a jolly life. He doesn't need to do one thing for family . If he wants to be an absentee dad make him one. Once moving out, he has to pony up all his expenses . After that , can he be generous like he was with his family. Sooner or later he will come to see reality. Good Luck.
     
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV ....your husband can't have it all. He has to either go out and be the bread winner or take responsibility at home. He can't be a bum .

    You want to leave your mom and husband at home in charge of kids ,knowing how little they get along with each other?
    How will you concentrate on your work knowing how they feel about each other.

    Your kids are very small. One option could be to downsize your lifestyle .
    Instead of going to another place and tearing yourself in two.How about taking on something additional around you.
    How about asking your husband to put his entire salary in the family account and then decide how much can be spared for his credit card expenses?
    How about asking him to get a second job ?

    But most importantly....take a scissors and chop of your husband's credit cards. If he needs one,get him a debit card with less limit . A man with a growing family just cannot have un accounted for credit card expenses.

    It is time you got tough and asked him some questions. You are having to turn your and your families life upside down and he cannot tell you where his credit card expenses are going ?

    Being irresponsible is one thing ,but this is the limit of insensitivity.
    He is getting everything laid on his plate and he doesn't care how much his wife has to slave at both fronts.

    I have a lot of respect for men who choose to be the primary caretaker at home if they do the job responsibly . You could have done a great job in your career,worked with passion and given your family all they needed,if your husband had just been willing to take on the responsibilities on the home front. But he doesn't want to do either of the job. Why should he slave when he has a wife who is there to do it all?

    Seriously,do you want this irresponsible person to take care of your kids.
    Do you think he will be a responsible role model for them . Kids watch and learn.He should at least be responsible on one front. He should not have an option .
     
  7. eternalnomad

    eternalnomad Silver IL'ite

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    I have one question @SGBV what exactly is your husband's role in this marriage/family?

    I mean he isn't the primary breadwinner, forget primary he isn't even reliable in terms of taking care of day-to-day expenses. He can't be relied on to take care of the kids or their school stuff. He's not transparent with his finances and continues to have large amounts of spending which are unaccounted for. Meanwhile, you're working your butt off keeping the family afloat often at the expense of spending time with your kids and family. It just seems terribly one-sided to me. I think you need to confront him and sit down to have a serious chat about things. Perhaps you can set up an account in your name only and channel all your earnings into it, make sure it's only accessible by yourself. Let's see how long your hubby survives on juggling credit card debt
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    @SGBV,
    All the best with whatever decision you take.

    Just thinking loud. What is the point in having a little more savings when you cannot enjoy your life or if you don't have peace of mind. What is the point in staying away when your kids need you the most. Life is just a bubble. Count your blessings and enjoy with your family.

    Never compare your family status with others. They only know their struggle. Be happy with what you have. If expense is more than your income, cut down expenses and luxury.

    Your husband is taking you for granted. He knows very well that you are very ambitious and will try your best to make his life comfortable. You have to say NO to him. He has to pay his credit card bills and his expenses for his family. But make a rule that he has to pay atleast 30% of his salary to home budget.
    Never pay his mysterious expenses.Also manage all your accounts yourself.

    You mother is old. Giving her the burden of taking care of your kids is not so good. How long she can do it.

    You are a smart women. Be firm and take control in your hands. Will moving close to your current job location help. In the case of job#2, you have to travel much. Will that add up to more expenses ? Will you be able to save multiple times than your current job. But job 2 will give your dh a chance to enjoy bachelor like life again when you struggle in another place alone.

    So think about all aspects of career, life, money, kids etc before taking a decision. Career is important, but kids and life is more important. So a balanced view will be beneficial in long run.

    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2018
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks again my dear friends for your time and advises.
    In stead of responding to each and everyone's comments, I would give you a detail response covering each area.

    1) Why I chose such extreme career?
    I am career oriented, but I am not that insensitive to chose a career according to my passion at the cost of my young kids' & elderly mom's suffering. I don't think it is feminism either. And I am more than clear about what is gender role and feminism.
    I would be more than happy to chose a flying career in the US, where I can take my family with, and enjoy the blessings of both. But sadly, my field doesn't give me that option.
    I don't have an office in my native place. There was a small hub there, and I compromised my salary front & worked there for some years just to be close to the family in the past. But now, the hub is closed.
    We are required to work in the deep field sites, which is often non-family.
    The office compensate a lot for the in balanced work-life style; hence the high salary.
    I had to consider this option for the high salary component only, knowing how inconvenient it can be for myself first (to live all the lonely life by breaking my head, thinking about kids and all). It is because, I want to secure my kid's future as and when I can. I feel like a single mother in this front, and can't rely on my H given the history.
    I doubt my capacity of earning and saving enough for us to maintain this life style single-handedly with my local job. That too, in a way makes me live away from family (during week days). That's why I considered this international job, hoping a 1-2 year journey like this can allow our family a well cushioned saving. So that I can rest after that.
    If not, I will have to slog like this (weekend traveling) all my life.
    So, please don't drag this thread to somewhere else. It is not about my career passion or feminism or money or maintaining status. Hope Ms @KavithaUS gets my point.

    2) @chocolate
    Are you serious? I mean, kicking my H out of the house for his irresponsibility?
    If so, I would have done that 10 years back.
    I mean, he is irresponsible. Period.
    But he brings so much meaning to our life and particularly to our marriage otherwise.
    I did not build my marriage on financial ground alone.
    Kicking him out of the house can bring so much heartache for both myself, my kids and all. It can permanently damage our relationship.
    Besides, he earns enough to support himself. So, moving out of our house won't make him starve to death.
    I doubt whether he will realize anything, other than retorting with his parents to give us further troubles both emotionally and physically like asking child custody, taking kids away etc... and needless to say the social pressure amidst all this.
    I mean, he is not a trouble in my life to get rid of him. Just that he is not supportive.
    Only getting rid of him can invite troubles, which can add further burden to my already suffering life style.
     
  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    You have mentioned that your mother does not get along with your husband. How will they work together when you are not around to buffer their interactions?
     

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