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Need Some Space...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by MindVoice, Feb 25, 2019.

  1. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    We live in US, in-laws spend 6 months in US and 6 months in India.
    When in-laws are in US, they rule the house, while giving a free reign to my husband (as is natural of in-laws).
    When they are in India, my husband keeps calling my in-laws and showing my kid to them on facetime, several times (at least 4 times EVERY day). It's like he wants them to be literally 'present' in his/their life. It irritates me excessively. I am never really free to play with my child, shuttling between cooking and getting her to eat/sleep/bathe. And the moment I am done getting LO ready, he calls them on facetime..and I scuttle to the kitchen.
    It is not harmless playing - MIL has opinions and will keep telling/teaching H to do this/do that for her. And that obviously trickles down to him telling me to do something, or posing it as his own idea. I dislike this heavy interference. And if I say let me do it my way, he will retort can't he have a say too with his child. And then I would say you are the one having all the say anyway. :boxing:
    MIL n FIL know every single thing that happens here - from what is cooked, what is eaten, what is done, what is not done, whether we go out, where, for how long.. they know every damn thing. Even if H sometimes misses any details, MIL will ask about it. Its as if she constantly keeps tabs on us, and I feel as if... what I can't take care of my child otherwise, huh? It's like she's checking on us, ensuring everything is alright, her son n grandchild are well fed and taken care of etc.. and of course, she/they need to know everything H/LO do....everything is shared with them..to the level of the details of grocery purchases made here!
    H behaves as if they go to India on vacation and need to be kept up to date with everything. And H is not even the only child!! In-laws are similarly intensely involved in the lives of their other children too. Don't ask me how they do it.
    I am extremely uncomfortable with this level of involvement in our day to day lives. H is however a parent worshipper, and there is no question of drawing a boundary line.
    Is there any way of dealing with this sensibly?

    When they are here in US, I inadvertently end up toeing their line (have been trying to change that - its a work in progress, as quite a few here would know). Why do they need to have so much involvement even when they are 'not here'?!

    Also, my parents are barely in the picture - both are working, and their commitments keep them very busy, and we struggle till date to manage our schedules and time zones to have a decent chat regularly. It's a fallout of H deciding to settle in US, and source of great resentment and angst for me - that my family barely gets opportunities to even spend time with my child or me, or us with them..
    This makes things worse.

    "Just accept the differences; don't compare parents' and in-laws' opportunities" - Easier said than done..
    "Be grateful for the attention your child is getting" - I am, the issue is not that but the excess attention all other things in our/my life gets - too much involvement.. BTW, I am not disrespectful, isolating or uncaring.. but I need space and find this suffocating. Ideal thing would be to get H on board - like that's going to happen, this is his utopia.

    I know this is a usual problem, and I thank you for patiently wading through my vent...
    Is there anything I can do to overcome this?
     
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  2. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    Since you want to focus on finding job why not use this time to study. Husband will anyway take care of the kid during face time . You can use this time to study. I also advice to invest some meal planning. You are cooking for 2 adults and one kid. You don't need to slog yourself in kitchen. Use the 6 months time to get a job. If it bothers you too much why not enroll her in some classes in the evening. That way you can drop her and study. Do you drive ? If yes then use this time to get out of the house. You should find every opportunity to work and get a job. Please use your time wisely.
     
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  3. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Working outside the home somewhere would be a sweet escape. As mangaii has said, you need to focus on finding a job, and even if all/most of your salary goes to childcare expenses, the escape from your husband would give you mental relief. In a job away from home, you will be able to have your own private news, friends, events.

    Order Take-out food, send husband out to get pizza, and spend time with your child, and away from the kitchen.

    Don't get pregnant, until you stabilize your life.
     
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  4. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Just turn off the internet for some time. Ha ha.
    Just kidding with that solution .
    I know it's hard and every woman gets to go through this at some point.
    Few pointers you can think of working on :
    1) Try for some me n child time with your parents. Involve your hubby as well while u do this. At least for a couple of mins. As u already mentioned their busy schedule allot Sundays to keep long facetime sessions with them.
    2) ask them to plan their work n leave to Come and stay with you for a couple of months. So that you won't feel your world revolves only around in laws.
    3) any discomfort you face with regards to spending time with your kiddo, communicate with hubby and make him understand .
    There's nothing wrong at all in you wanting some time with your little one.
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, you know very well that you cannot change your dh or PILS. Accept it. Only you can make change in your life.

    One important lesson I learned is 'If the system is not working for you, change it, or do something else or don't complain. I think its applicable to everyone.

    Let them talk - You don't have to be there. Use that time for something else. Plan and do it. That will help you from not listening to all these. Next, just listen and ignore things, if you cannot accept which your husband suggest you to do. If you think its good, try to do. If he questions you you can say, this is what I can do, if you can do a better job do it yourself. Better avoid more discussions. Slowly he will understand. It appears to me like focusing you focus too much on them. It wont do any good. Learn to ignore small things and focus on more important facts. You are staying home with kid, why don't you plan something and make it effective. See how your dh managing. He has a job , but he finds time for his parents and kid . Expecting your husband to read your mind or understand your feelings wont happen always. You need to let him know what's in your mind.

    You and your parents - Who is stopping you from interacting with them.If your dh can do, you can also do it. Plan calls everyday or every week based your parents conveniences. At least making a phone call will help you to gain some happiness in that way. Call your siblings or friends in India.

    kitchen - Why waste your time there. Plan and execute. So many posts are here on how to effectively manage it. Many women handle it with job, kids etc.. Ask your husband to do his own laundry and help with kids or ask for what you need.

    Communicate - holding whatever in your mind will not help you. Your dh is not a mind reader. Communicate well what you want to do in an effective way

    Your confidence - Why are you so weak emotionally? Ask yourself. Work on your confidence and esteem. No one is going to work or talk for you. You have to do it yourself

    Your life -It is very important to have a life of your own. Try to find a job (I think you should give top priority to this). It will help you get out your home , divert your mind (lazy mind is like devils workshop), meet new people, have your own circle and change your attention to other things. You can use this as an excuse to tackle many of the issues in your life. That will give you more independence. Just imagine how you survive alone in USA. What are the things needed. Do you have a social life of your own. Do you have a driving licence ? Find social activities in your area. Try to participate. At least go for a walk outside your home. What did you do before marriage to make you happy. Do that. That will help you to become self efficient.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2019
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  6. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies!
    @mangaii I like your no-nosense view of it. you're right : must use my time for job readiness.

    Been trying this, guess I must request it again more insistently.

    I wish. Finding it difficult to accept.

    I have been doing this. End result, I have to walk out on my kid literally once H is home. It's like I can be with her only when they are all not there..and it feels awful. Like I'm some caretaker, who needs to take care of her while they get all their stuff done, and then hand over the child and go away. And then come back to provide services: a diaper change, give dinner..etc
    And sometimes, it's irritating to have to hang around cleaning up/cooking in the kitchen when their family time is happening, and act like I am not there.LO naturally keeps running to me, and they keep pulling her away. Trying to get earphones and listen to music.

    Job, life of own, all taking time.. in-laws will be back in a few months too. so probably just feeling like even when they aren't, they are always here.
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Let him enjoy with kid when he is in home. Why dont you use rest of the time when your husband is not there. Kids approach their mom when they need something. Its part of our life as a mom. Almost every mom face it. It's too much work. You can also ask your dh to change diaper ( find a way that work). Learn to say No when you can't provide service to adults. Ask them to do it themselves or redirect them.

    Yes its unfair. If we ask why we need to do it, we wont get any satisfactory answer. Its expected by default in patriarchal society. Many men think they face the world, do a stressful job , bring money, take care of everything, so why they need to the same in home also ? I am an independent person in many aspects. Still I ask my self same questions - am I a servant, nanny, provider etc. These thoughts can make one very negative. But if I think it's my duty to take care of my kids and if I do it happily, I may be able to prevent those kind of resentments. Getting frustrated is quite natural. Dont worry too much on this.

    Try to look at the same issue in a positive way. I will love if kids get engaged in some other way else they will be over me. Use that time as your me time or use it for something else ( entertainment, learning something new, job search or anything). If you like to participate with them you can. Choice is yours. How we look at the problem make the difference ( half empty or half full of glass). With a positive attitude we can make the most unfavorable situation to our benefit . Be a winner in that way.

    I think accepting the situation you are in now, will help you to figure out what to do next. You have already complained to your dh. But its not working well. So find some other ways. If we were not given the space we like, we need to communicate it well and we need to create space for ourselves. Be positive.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2019
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  8. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Mangai is absolutely right. You getting a chance to pursue your career is a big development considering your husband. You should jump at the opportunity and work with laser sharp focus towards achieving it. Remember a job and financial independence is the only thing you have control over. It is your only route to make your life better. So stop getting distracted over other issues that you have no control over. Use your in-laws next visit as a deadline to finishing courses/ getting a job / getting yourself out of the house .
     
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  9. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    I can understand feelings and I was in the same situation when In laws were staying separately in other city, I.e native place..I used to get irritated in the beginning too..I felt I was being micro managed..I also felt like there was no privacy...
    Then I thought with calm and cool way...what do grandparents want at end of day...to see and listen to grand kids speaking and see Their mischief...
    I used that time, Ie 30-60 mins to relax and watch TV undisturbed or to surf net or do some personal work ...I would also use the time to clear and organise kitchen if it was late evening and prep for next day's stuff...if they used to ask lot of questions I would divert topic and start discussing all problems I'm facing here...so that they know I'm struggling and not having an easy time...(typically in laws always think that housewives have ample time to relax but that's not the case with baby)
     
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  10. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies!
    @DDream that's a great perspective, I will keep this in my mind and remember this. The unfairness keeps getting to me, but it's better when in-laws are not around, so I will try hold on to that and make something of myself so I am something more than just spouse/sahm..and build a little cocoon around myself..
     

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