Need Help !! What Mistake Am I Doing ?

You got married at 22, you have earned more than him, you are an academic topper, you have done masters, you are the top performer in the team, you have sacrificed a lot for him, you had to find an employment for him through your referral, you cook good food, you keep house clean, you never mentioned his abuse to your parents or your relatives even once,yet you allow him to torture you, he hurls you allegations of infidelity, yet you tolerate him and have endured 10 years of miserable life with him.

But like @Topaz49 observed, there are some gaps in this narration. Why did you let your cousin borrow money from a person like your husband when he had shown evidence of his toxic personality from Day 1 of your marriage?You didn’t mention was it 50k Indian rupees or 50K US dollars. If former, you could have gifted it without his knowledge from your earnings and if it is later, it is not a small amount to be forgiven, so your cousin needs to be reminded as relatives however close should not assume that money grows in trees.

Your PhD husband has psychiatric issues for sure but mental illness even if cannot be cured completely, can be controlled with regular medications. See ‘beautiful mind’ based on real life character where even a person suffering from paranoid schizophrenia was allowed to function as normal in society with the help of medications.

 

My observation of 50K is to get the bigger picture of their handling issues; especially when this was given to her cousin.
50K whether is is $/Rs, more than the amount, it reveals the character of the cousin and the broken trust.
As @Greenbay pointed out OP could have gifted this money or knowing her DH, she could have resolved the issue before going to India.
The narration led me to ask more questions as we are basing on one side. Something is amiss.

 

Must be 50 k rupees

 

Not sure what OP has to say... But guessing from a practical POV, I think the 50K must be in Indian rupees.
Also, I doubt it must have been OP's hard earned money or some joint savings.
And I guess, OP's H must have agreed to lend this money to that cousin for whatever the reason, as it doesn't seem at any place that OP's H was a stingy or cruel man except his inferiority complex and suspicion issue.
So, like any other US living family, obviously OP and her H would have jointly decided to lend this money to this cousin at some point.
If it is the case, the loan recovery process should have been also discussed together.

If not, I mean if OP has given this money to her cousin without her H's knowledge, then how come he knew it and how much he was in agreement with this money lending matter comes as a different question.
Even in happy and normal families, such matters trigger differences.
Regardless of who earned the money, it is important as spouses the couple should discuss first and have an agreement before dealing money matters with 3rd party.

OP's answer to this question would give us more clarity on her other problems too.
Such as, whys and whats of the suspicion issue of her H.
Nothing is black and white here. We need to tread very carefully in finding this grey area before helping OP.

 

This is a great news.
When "His main focus is mostly on me and my kids", you should be able to talk to him and explain as you did on the post that how much it is impacting you and therefore how important it is for the continued happiness of the family that you both need to go for counseling. He is not a dummy; he has Phd. You have a good loving relation and as smart as you are, I am sure you will find a way to convince him to go for counseling. Good Luck !