Need help on how to change myself

vanivineela · Apr 15, 2014

Dear ILs,

I have a problem with myself and unable to solve it.

Me and my husband are married more than 5 years back(love marriage). We have a baby and things are going fine. We both are working at the same office since last year march.

Before that, I never had a problem. He used to talk to many girls, used to be close with them, texted them, called them, etc.but i never even bothered about it as I got my importance always.

After I joined his company, there is another lady(Divya) who joined in his team, she was not marrried by then, but got married later(in a few months span). Hers is also a love marriage, but her husband is always doubtful on her, keeps her fone with him during evenings and on holidays, used to check all her messages(even when girls texted).

I was close with her as most of our thoughts match. We shared almost everything and helped each other. I always thought that I am close to her.

On the other side, she was close to my husband (who is her manager). She spoke to him about her personal problems with her husband (which she never shared with me). They were always on call with each other for hours together,in the morning, at around 8, she calls my husband, on our way to office she calls, after reaching office, they will be in meeting for about 6-7 hrs a day, on our way home, she calls him, after reaching home, they speak for about 2-3 hrs.I never even asked or thought what they speak for hours together. Since then, my husband rarely spent time with me, never even spent time talking to me. If I ask him that we will go out anywhere, he used to call her too and she happily used to come. They went out together for lunch (personally) keeping me in office. I even asked my husband that I want to come. But he said that I need to talk to her personally, and if I come, she will not open up.I felt very bad, even then I dint utter a word. They drink together, they share same cigarette, however, nothing stiked on my mind.

About a month ago, I found Divya's personal photo in my husband's whatsapp images. When I searched in the gallery, it was not there. I asked my husband how her pic came into hid fone, and he said that he doesnt know. I felt very much disturbed. The next day, Divya was showing some pics in her mobile, and I found the same pic in her mobile too. I asked her and she said she doesnt know. I didnt say anything.

After a few days, I found that both of them were deleting messages chatted by them in mobile ans whatsapp. I asked my husband and he said that I will get disturbed by it and thats why he is doing it. We had a big arguement that day and then he told me all the things that she is sharing all her personal issues what she has with her husband, how she is facing a problem, and that HE is the reason to separate her away from her husband, He was the one who asked her to send her pic to see her how she was looking after she went home. They are not doing anything wrong, but talking about office works, how she can continue in her career, etc.He also promised me that he is not going to involve in any of her activities, and spend time with me. As he said, he is not talking to her except for office work, and not taking meetings for her for long. But I can get that he is not comfortable seeing me in the office. He is unable to concentrate on his work.

Somehow, I was not at all convinced with what he told, I kept checking his calls/messages regularly without his knowledge. He spent time with me, he was nice to me. However, the same thing was running on my mind that I beleived both of them and they cheated me.

I stopped talking to Divya completely and a week later, she herself asked me why I am being reserved. I hesitated to tell her but after her force, I blasted her like anything how bad I felt for all the bloody things she did for me. She told me that she always gave me respect etc etc. I GOT COMPLETELY NEGATIVE ON HER.

Unable to forgive her or my husband. Today, even is she is sittin in front of me at office, I am unable to bear it. I feel like slapping her, tell everybody about her dirty behaviour, ruin her completely, but thinking about her and my future too as my husband always tells that her mistake is not there, and am just unable to bear it.

Whatever my husband does these days, I am behaving rudely, doing all BG checks, doubting him, even if she is at office, I am cursing him and her. I am not knowing how to remove the negativeness on her. Why am I behaving so rudely, I should not do all these.

Can anyone suggest how I can come out of this situation? I already put down my papers in my current company and searching for a new job.

Regards
Vani Vineela

HeartHealer · Apr 15, 2014

Hi Vani,

I really don't know why have you approached us now when water has reached its brim?

Secondly, what were you waiting about so far?

Your own loving husband is chatting, texting, calling for hours, busy with this girl Divya in long meetings, going out with her on lunch keeping you stay in the office, etc, what else is left ?

Will you point a finger on your husband only after you realize that he has established a physical relation with Divya? You have really trusted your husband beyond certain limits, which is why he easily took advantage of it and hence you're in the problem now.

Again, instead of putting the blame on your husband, you are telling us that's something is wrong with you and that you wish to change yourself.

Open up your eyes ma'am, your dear husband has crossed his limitations and commitment long before you actually realized. Still, if you're thinking that he's not at fault and that you're the one to be blamed, you are highly mistaken.

Adding to this, if you're leaving the company because some other lady ( Divya ) has snatched your peace of mind and/or has established a NON-PROFESSIONAL relationship with your husband, you're doing it really wrong. By leaving the company, you're giving them a chance to come closer to each other. With you being around,your husband has a constant banging on his head that his wife is looking at him. But, if you're not around, you are giving him an opportunity to destroy your own marital life.

So, if you ask me, you need to stay in the same office, near your husband to keep a check on his activities.

Secondly, have a thorough discussion with him and ask him if he really understands the meaning of PROFESSIONAL COMMUNICATION. If we talk about this word "professional communication", it completely deals with things related to office and no other discussions related to family or personal life. Do they really share a professional relationship ? No, they don't and which is just not right.

How, would he feel is you spent long hours in office and at home talking to your male colleague? Sharing with him everything related to your personal life, your equation with your husband, etc ? I am sure, he won't feel good.

So, that's very much necessary that he should also refrain himself from getting involved in her ( Divya's ) personal affairs.

Also, make him understand, that few girls have a very indirect way of attracting their male seniors in office by crying out loud about their problems/ personal issues. If she really has a problem with her husband, she should consult a marriage counselor, rather than your husband. Office work, need to be started in the office and end at the office. After office hours, whatever is happening in your life, should be limited and restricted only to you.

Word of advice : Talk to your husband on this and explain to him that he needs to maintain a definite distance and a thorough professional relationship with Divya or else he might find his own marital life in anger. You're his wife and you have complete rights over him. Make him understand that if he couldn't appreciate you talking and sharing your personal life with your male colleagues, he should also apply the same thoughts in his life.

If possible, remain in the same office and keep an eye on your husband's activities. Don't wait till he cross the limit and notify you. He has already done that long ago and if you think there's nothing wrong with talking, chatting, going on lunch, sharing your personal life with your office colleagues and getting close, you are at fault.

Save your Marriage !!

generic · Apr 15, 2014

I agree with above reply...Your husband has promised to change his behavior, so it' s better if you are able to keep an eye on him for sometime to check if he's really cut off his contacts with that girl or not..If possible ask him to delete his Whatsapp account and not to maintain excessive contacts with other girls beyond casual friendship...IMO, talking to a lady friend everyday and being very close to her is not fair to you.

FallenAngel33 · Apr 15, 2014

Hi Vani,

Withdraw ur resignation. If u r not there in same place, how will u know if ur husband breaks the promise?

If u change the job, ur mental pain will become much worse...u’ll not be able to work peacefully in the other company (telling this with my own experience).

indoc · Apr 15, 2014

@OP...
Tell me the name of your company which gives its employees soooo much free time to do all this personal stuff..

Think seriously about changing company and/or moving to a new city (both of you).. Divya seems to be very needy, emotionally immature and lousy manager.

shantana · Apr 15, 2014

They were always on call with each other for hours together,in the morning, at around 8, she calls my husband, on our way to office she calls, after reaching office, they will be in meeting for about 6-7 hrs a day, on our way home, she calls him, after reaching home, they speak for about 2-3 hrs.I never even asked or thought what they speak for hours together.
Click to expand...

what is there to discuss for so many hours after office? u think think this is normal and u want to change ur behaviour? hello woman, wake up before its too late. nothing wrong with u beside being too innocent.

He was the one who asked her to send her pic to see her how she was looking after she went home.
Click to expand...

Why does ur husband wants to know how does that lady looks after reaching home? doesnt he have u as his wife to look at?

both ur dh and that lady is riding on your innocent behavior. be stern with ur dh and that lady. DONT EVER RESIGN FROM THIS OFFICE. UR DH NEEDS CONSTANT WATCH FROM U. be smart and chase that lady away. if its me i will call and report everything to her husband.

Iamagoodgirl · Apr 15, 2014

They might not have affair yet.But this type of behavior- spending more time with other women,listening to her more ,tagging her everywhere is wrong.You husband should give you priority.end
Lady might have genuine problem.But she should use her girl friends to open up and not your husband.

beingloved · Apr 16, 2014

Why have YOU put in papers?? After moving to new job, your mind will always be somewhere else thinking what your husband & colleague might be doing?

You need time to sail through this turbulent phase. IMO, you should just stay there, give yourself time and get hold of your emotions!

Radhai · Apr 16, 2014

work husband! ever heard of it? some ladies have work husbands - they use the men at work to fulfill the emotional void created by their own husbands. some men use these ladies. win-win from the cheaters perspective. they convince themselves that they are not cheating becoz there is no 'touching-touching'. good wives like you feel guilty end of day!!

anuram09 · Apr 16, 2014

Withdraw your resignation..After you are out of company they might gather courage to continue this or proceed beyond. Eat lunch with him daily, show your kids photo to close friends there and also to Divya. Make her feel that you are his present and future and she is timepass. Give warning to your DH(first politely and see how it goes)

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