Need help..Im depressed more.

hianusuya · Jan 27, 2012

Its a long story..pls be patient and read and give me one solution.

I got married March2011.Mine was Love marraige.After a long struggle we got married.My husband native is near trichy.After my marraige, my in Laws with their divorcee daughter(sister in law) were staying with us(Chennai).
For that particular reason,we avoid honeymoon trips and general outings and everything.Very rarely we all our famiy members used to go outing like cinema and shopping. Now my sister in law got married(Second marriage).I thought after her marraige i can live my life as i wish.But living life as our wish is not that much easy.Always my MIL asked to me to go their native to see their other daughters and daughter's children and their relatives.They forced us to do that.If we explained that we are busy with our works,we cannot put leave and we have to take rest in avialble time,always we cannot travelling here and there....,but she didnt realise and started to cry and shouted to my husband that if he wants her mother he have to go to native.Then we travelled there,spent time there and come back and start our regular routine life.This happens many times and my husband becoame ill.For this my In Laws explained that previous native trip was done in bad time(Ashtami,navami) so he have to travel again in good time.So we travelled again.
Before marriage we used to go beach weekly once and cinema and temple everything.Now we two cannot go,if we ask them to come they will tell thats waste of money.For every thing they will tell this place is not good,this vegetables are not good,chennai is not good place like that.At one point i get totally frustrated.Totally my mind gone mad.
And soon i started to think that i made a mistake that i married him.
Even my MIL dont open her mouth to ask about our future,about our children paln.
Always she talk about their daughter,how ther are living,what we have to do for them...etc..
As im educated i can think that family life is very differnt to bachelors life and we cannot ask my in Laws to go to native.because they are old and they want to live with their son.We are in rented house which is very small.We cannot afford big house because we both have loans already.

Continously it happens the same way ,even i could not spend time with my husband.
After my marraige totally i missed my happiness,my bevaiours,my routine works.. everything.
Here I dont know how to proceed and solve this problem.I dont know whether the mistake is on me or others.
My confused thoughts are
1.Actual problem is me ... May be im over reacting and over expecting from my husband.
2.Whether my husband really dont love me or He is afraiding of his parents.
3.Whether my in Laws cannot understand our feelings or Purposly they are doing like this.
Here i cannot change them but i can change my mind..
Give some solution to change my state of mind.

deepa10 · Jan 27, 2012

May be you have to start planning you vacation and holidays very early. For example, sit with your husband and plan for a vacation for 2 days to some nearby hillstation, holiday spot. Say, this is Jan, then Plan for march or april. Inform your IL that you have planned for vacation on so and so dates and you cannot go anywhere on those days. Tell them you did not have time to go anywhere and that s why you have come with this plan.
And whatever they say, go and enjoy your vacation.

And for regular outings, create a pattern. if they are not coming , leave it. You dont have to spend money to go to beach na! Tell them that. Go for movie beach. No need to explain them everything. Tell them you can visit the relatives once in two months or once in a month only. And for the weekends you stay in your home, make sure you are spending one evening outside. Fist start with temple/church (as per your religion) and then next week beach then next week film.. so in the 4th, 5th weeks, they will know you will go out. Make sure one evening you will go out no matter what.

There is no point in waiting for them to approve and send off you people for your vacations. You take the initiative and make your husband accept it!!

poojachinoy · Jan 27, 2012

he he..i have been in the same problem and still enduring it..what i would suggest you is make plans with your husband before hand..announce that you both are going..and then just go..this is for trips like to cinema,beach..when family outings to beach and all are planned..ask them to come..if they say no,why do you have to cancel your plan..just you and husband go ahead...

if this is not working then decide a common time while coming back from office it self that you and husband go out to the beach or cinema or dinner or just for coffee and then come home..do like this sometimes...thats what i do..i study at the library and my husband comes to pick me up and from there we decide and go some where to eat and relax and then come home...but dont let it out at home too often that you guys are going out..or else that will be another issue..

and for the sil thing...i had to undergo that too..and when i said no i will not visit there used to be huge fights..so what i do now is when i have to to my in laws place that is a different state than me,me and husband go by car..so we plan a night at hotel before reaching their place so that we both also get to enjoy our holiday..and some times while coming back from sils place we stop over at a resort for 2-3 days...no1 can complain that ways...every1 is happy..so even when you visit your sils,plan a short trip in that trip itself...wither before you reach sils place or after leaving there place..good luck!

bukbuk · Jan 27, 2012

1.Actual problem is me ... May be im over reacting and over expecting from my husband.

Yeah, to me it looks like you are over reacting. You are just upset because you had to go to your hubby's native and cannot go to beach often? You love-married the wrong guy in that case.

2.Whether my husband really dont love me or He is afraiding of his parents.

You can ask him this question. It's hard to judge anything from your post.

3.Whether my in Laws cannot understand our feelings or Purposly they are doing like this.

Hard to judge again. They seem to me like normal indian in-laws to me.

Here i cannot change them but i can change my mind..
Give some solution to change my state of mind.

I think when you marry a guy he doesn't come as a standalone piece but definitely with a baggage called his family. Try to accept his family like your own unless they are evil like torturing the dils. Once you stop resisting them mentally, you will automatically find your peace of your mind and happiness in your marriage