1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Nagging inlaws!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by silentlotus, Oct 1, 2012.

Page 1 of 2
  1. Oct 1, 2012 #1
    silentlotus

    silentlotus Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    22
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear friends,
    I don't feel like this going to be a vent! I have known to ignore at many situations as per many of you suggested! But now again I'm not sure whether I need to act like a deaf & dumb or have to raise my voice. Before that a small recap. My dh a very sincere, responsible, very hard working,devoted and loving son to his parents. I have admired him a lot because of his good qualities. He would help others though he knew they are using him up! But that's the same quality that's making him exhausted. He has done a lot to his family(housing loan, car loan, brother's(just a year younger to my dh) complete PG course fees, sister's jewellery, medical expenses etc). I'm also not a mean person. I was happy that he did all this for his family indeed still supportive.Still we buy and they are expecting us/ask us literally to buy/to do. Though they are able to do or if they wish they would do for themselves too. We both actually don't spend any thing lavish at the same time, we save money for our future known necessities! We don't borrow from our parents or siblings. What hurts us is my ils(pils are aged so unable to hurt/say no/adament to understand our situation; sil& bil very selfish, if we spend for them - behave very friendly else behave like some strangers! Don't know how they are able to change frequently!) who know how we save and for what purpose are now asking money for buying land/spending in unnecessary shoppings & outings/ to lend money to others( they can take personal loan, we are aware of their situation). Actually we are in the process of adopting a child parallelly trying for IVF:ICSI! So far they didn't even ask whether we are in need of money or have helped us with us formalities of adoption or moral support! What rights do they have us for blaming that my husband is not sending money and is not supportive to him. its because me he has changed! But actually they are the one spending useless indeed enjoying as if everything is fine. Dont we deserve such happiness? we could have enjoyed too if we were keeping all the money for our sake! Is this the time I have to open my mouth?

    I posted the same in a wrong thread!so sorry :( As usual I typed from my mobile. If possible moderators please help. Thanks buddies.
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2012
    silentlotus, Oct 1, 2012
    silentlotus, Oct 1, 2012
    #1
    Loading...

    Similar Threads
    1. Thyagarajan

      ஒவ்ஒரு கணவனின் பின்புலம் Behind Every Nagging Wife

      Thyagarajan, Apr 25, 2024 at 9:42 AM, in forum: Posts in Regional Languages
      Replies:
      0
      Views:
      76
      Thyagarajan
      Apr 25, 2024 at 9:42 AM
    2. Needtobestrong

      In Laws Nagging Me To Travel And Stay In Native.

      Needtobestrong, Feb 27, 2020, in forum: Relationship With In-Laws
      Replies:
      18
      Views:
      3,580
      Meghaa
      Mar 10, 2020
    3. Rihana

      Nagging Effectively?

      Rihana, Jan 26, 2020, in forum: General Discussions
      Replies:
      11
      Views:
      2,156
      Rihana
      Mar 21, 2020
  2. Oct 1, 2012 #2
    HasiniS

    HasiniS Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    341
    Likes Received:
    281
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear OP

    IMO I think you need to speak up now ... Trying for a baby and going through all IVF and stuffs are mentally draining and financially also draining ... So when you guys have been so much conscious in your financial matters and care about your expenses and still have managed to give them money like abnormal ... I say abnormal cause housing loan, car loan and PG education fees is all not a joke !!! Atlast we all earn to live good and decent life ... Not to let others spend lavish and we sacrifice our joy ... Its high time you start concentrating just on your own nest and building a family for yourself !!!
     
    HasiniS, Oct 1, 2012
    HasiniS, Oct 1, 2012
    #2
  3. Oct 1, 2012 #3
    sumaramesh

    sumaramesh New IL'ite

    Messages:
    718
    Likes Received:
    429
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    HI Dear

    First thing try IVF atleast 2 cycles before you go for Adopting....

    And since you are gonna need lot of money for IVF and other things, better save for urself..

    Enough you people have done for sis/bil, also there is no regards for it...
    Spend for your in-laws but sil/bil i think its time to stop spending for them and concentrate on your future..

    All the best and loads of baby dust to you....
     
    sumaramesh, Oct 1, 2012
    sumaramesh, Oct 1, 2012
    #3
  4. Oct 1, 2012 #4
    silentlotus

    silentlotus Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    22
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Suma, We are on the way of our 2nd ICSI(our last ART try) We are now mentally prepared to both adopted & biological child. Don't know what God's plan is. Thanks a lot for your wishes.
     
    silentlotus, Oct 1, 2012
    silentlotus, Oct 1, 2012
    #4
  5. Oct 1, 2012 #5
    silentlotus

    silentlotus Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    22
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Hasini, Thanks for the reply. My husband was so confident on his family. He thought they were also so attached. Its a big shock for him.Indeed all those loans & PG course all done. Now they are in good position & enjoying. We too are not in a situation expecting them but still they are expecting from us! That's annoying. We have already informed what we are going through but after listening us still they are expecting from us! Though this time we really don't have the money to spend for them, they call to dh in every couple days and ask to send money! Is there any way to make them realize?! What I wonder is how come a parent cannot be loving towards their son who is still devoted to them! Indeed we are also striving only for parenthood. We can sense it's not normal. Hating me is fine :) but how about their son :(
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2012
    silentlotus, Oct 1, 2012
    silentlotus, Oct 1, 2012
    #5
  6. Oct 1, 2012 #6
    SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,955
    Likes Received:
    11,421
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    What you have described about your husband clicked something as my husband too behaves the same. He is too innocent to the point that he does not even understand when someone is using him. If that is for his parents, I don't mind, but his friends and some XYZ try to use him and his innocence in the name of friendship and relationship. He is soft hearten, and when someone is in need, he won't say NO. Further, he thinks the only way of pleasing an "angry person" is gifts and helps (financial and physical), so whomsoever becomes angry with him is blessed with a gift or financial helps. My MIL is very perfect in raising up a child like him, and he perfectly uses him for that. I mean, she gets angry or shows faces when something is not right (or make it a point that she didnt like it), so what my husband does is, just paying some of her bills to turn her face to a "smiling" mode. This happened always with and without my knowledge until I take charge on my life.

    We ended up earning 24/7, and having nothing saved for our emergencies or luxuries, but before our eyes, our in laws started having extra supper lavish life (and the rest is known to all).

    So, my advice for you is.... Do not try to change your husband, as it is his nature. But take charge on your own live. IVF or adoption or whatever, it takes money. You simply need more money to grow in your life. It is a good thing to gift and help, and that too our own blood relatives. But you guys needs to decide how much and how often and for what purpose you are going to gift/help others.
    It is ok when someone is in real need or urgency. No matter what, we should help them. But for luxuries, it is really up to the person who is gifting. If I were you, I would first save enough for the treatment and adoption process, and make it as a reason for not financially assisting them.

    FYI - Since you are struggling to have a "biological" child and opting for adoption, beware your in laws might think that you do not need leave any inheritances or savings for your child as it is not from their "generation", yet try giving them (from you) all to their other grand children. Plus they would try making it as a point to receive money from you guys. All what I say is... just beware, and act wisely.
     
    SGBV, Oct 1, 2012
    SGBV, Oct 1, 2012
    #6
    2 people like this.
  7. Oct 1, 2012 #7
    HasiniS

    HasiniS Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    341
    Likes Received:
    281
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Silentlotus

    People are there in this world who are so abnormal ... For them it doesn't matter if the opponent is DIL or their own blood ... We can never make them realize their expectations are abnormal .. Time will answer them if they misunderstand now ... Give the time some time .. And now you are in a very important phase in your life ... Which needs no compromise ... Either your last ART try, adoption or biological child you need/will go through a lot of transition mentally, physically and lifestyle wise ... I am happy for you that God has created an opportunity for your husband to wake up ... I know your husband must be deeply hurt and infact surprised to face such weird people/situations ... Be with him .. tell him that the best thing is, he was only too good and for his good deeds he will be blessed .. Get prepared to have a new buddy in your family :).. May God bless you and loads of baby dust to you !!!
     
    HasiniS, Oct 1, 2012
    HasiniS, Oct 1, 2012
    #7
    1 person likes this.
  8. Oct 1, 2012 #8
    beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    2,440
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    when you realise people are mean or selfish....stay away from them. Its one thing to do things for parents but another thing completely to help SIL & BIL.

    - How about your DH tell them that they have to look after themselves from on. For instance...when they talk for long hours explaining their shortage of funds....listen to all that and finally ask them to take a personal loan instead. Tell them calmly that you too have a family now. Nothing wrong in that.

    Helping people is never wrong. But that help has to be meaningful and wothwhile. Helping a person in dire need is way different than helping a mean person to satisfy his egoistic needs. What your DH siblings are doing is smartly saving things for themselves wile making you and your husband pay. Dont stay calm here. Everything has a limit.....show them their limits politely. If they are still unable to see then use the aggressive way.
     
    beautifullife30, Oct 1, 2012
    beautifullife30, Oct 1, 2012
    #8
    1 person likes this.
  9. Oct 2, 2012 #9
    silentlotus

    silentlotus Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    22
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Hasini, SGBV and beautiful30.

    As per SGBV's opinion on inheritance. That's true. That's how sil & bil behavior is! Pils they don't show it explicitly! Good thing is we are not dependent on them any more! Bad thing I'm getting irritated/more emotional especially during my tww and the add on days! Others days I'm a very soft and kind. I can forgive anyone! I just want to avoid my negative emotions and particularly before my inlaws. I hate to cry before them during my bed rest! The way they come and act at our house, but outside they are completely different. How should I come out of this?! Pls help me...
     
    silentlotus, Oct 2, 2012
    silentlotus, Oct 2, 2012
    #9
  10. Oct 2, 2012 #10
    SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,955
    Likes Received:
    11,421
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Simple. Just ignore them as if they do not exist in your life. Do not even bother to actively listen what they comment or what they ask. Just act like Gandhian monkeys and fully concentrate on your TTC or adoption process. They are not worth of spoiling your mood and emotions. You have got so much to think about in your life and for future:) Good luck with your plans dear.
     
    SGBV, Oct 2, 2012
    SGBV, Oct 2, 2012
    #10
    2 people like this.
Page 1 of 2

Share This Page