My sad story...a vent

work hard and try to get into residency program.Until then don't think about anything or anyone.When it happens you will not get anytime to say Hi to him.

 

Don't panic. Just pretend this is a migraine or something and get on with your studies. I cannot help but believe that your mother-in-law does not want you to succeed. I am not sure whether she has a career or not, but in any case, perhaps she is simply jealous of you, perhaps she wants control over you, perhaps this is a misguided attempt to protect what she imagines is her son's best interests. The crucial point is that their demands will destroy you. Put yourself in a position of strength first.
Focus on your studies. That is absolutely the best thing you can do for yourself, whether this marriage succeeds or not. Do not lose sight of this!
Absolutely do not go to live with your in laws. If you read my other posts, you will see that I rarely tell people what they should do. I am doing so now*
Focus, focus, focus. Get your US medical license.

 

Hi Flying Sparks,
i have been reading u r post from some time. the only solution for you now to escape all this drama is to start acting in the drama you have to act as if u have really changed and super superly love that MIL of your's and try your best to stop these matters from escalating ..... and tell your DH that you really love these irritating ppl of his but need to complete u r exams once these are done u will lisen to them this way you may buy some time and keep on going ....without too much pressure from these ppl...definitely not a good idea to go and stay with u r MIL .... another step towards disaster......may be u r co sis also has some saddist motives in all this .....so be very careful with her too....take care u will be fine try to be calm all these ppl are tring to drive u more crazy this is the hardest time but u overcome this u will be a true winner in life .....i am sure u will

 

Oh FS, I'm sorry for what is going on in your life. And I think I'd have done the same what you are doing. Trying and being calm, concentrating on myself. I know it can be very tough dear, but try to spend some time on meditation. His dialogues suck, you can just keep quiet like you are doing. No use trying to drill some sense into his brain. Instead vent it out here, and when you feel better, get back on track to defining your future plans.

Don't such people think of their future ? I mean don't they want their own family, kids like their so-called role model parents have ? I pray they get hit really hard by life sometime for ignoring and hurting their real family.

 

Fp,
Please don 't fall for the d word. Let him threaten. Your mil I don 't have words. She doesnot want you to finish your exams. That's why all this drama, blaming, threatening so you can give in. Your h is parroting his mom's words.
You have already passed one exam you will for sure pass the rest. It's just a matter of time and your determination. Please see if you can network with others who are also studying. I know it's very hard but just ignore h's words. Nod your head or smile and say you will visit your mil soon but not right now. Don't tell them when you are planning to take exam, dates and such. Pray hard too.
All the best.

 

no matter how hard and tough the situation is,never give in their demands of going back to india to stay with in-laws!!!!....just say ofcourse i would love to when time comes with a smile...but never ever go...if the situation gets really bad and you have to make a trip to india then it should be at your parents place for the final call,thats it!..no in-laws business for now!

ignore husband..and politely and firmly put it across that you are willing to go to india,not now but when you are done with exams or when you have ababy or some excuse..Or just directly say you are not going to his parents place atleast for some time to come...

make a strict rule in the house that you guys now dont discuss further about the episode that happened and things related to it...if he starts it,then just go to your room and distance yourself from that place..or just dont answer back..and say it clearly that you dont want to talk anything on it any further...

if he drops the D word again,say you too are ready for it..

in the meanwhile when he goes off to work,study.

hope you are taking your medications on time and going for your walks.

and one more thing,be socially active..have a circle of friends..this will make H concious of loosing his face in public for his crappy behaviour...or else they feel that you have no one to fall back on in this country.

cut off your parents from your in laws and H...they dont need to talk with either of them.

 

Why to you have to learn about emotional detachment? These jerks around you does not deserve your emotions.Please do not feel bad about yourself. Even though we say focus on your studies, it might be hard for you with an indifferent spouse. Stay calm. My prayers are with you.

 

Hi Flying Sparks,

My first thought is to advice you is to stick in the USA with your hubby(to prevent your MIL from separating you n hubby) and try to get your medical studies on track however much MIL tries her separating games.

On second thoughts, if you think there is any danger that your hubby might physically harm you (as in try to kill you, put poison in your food gradually or something like that) then please do get physically out of that house. I do not know if your hubby is actually planning something like this or if this sounds too farfetched, but you are in the reality of the situation, so listen to your instincts and any danger signals that you your sub-conscious might be picking up. You need to make the judgement call and make the decision. The reason I am writing to this to you so you see this viewpoint if it makes any sense to your situation. If you think this doesnot reflect your true situation try to go with option 1 above.

On a related note, I personally think it is very humiliating that if a husband had told me to get out of the house repeatedly and said chiding things about me eating his food for free I would be beyond humiliated and would have gone back to India and lived a life of dignity working as a doctor in India. Granted MIL is not a party to the marriage (the marriage is between the husband and wife) so whatever mil said abt getting out I wouldnt budge, but I wonder abt the hubby he is educated holds down a job in America so he isnt a total idiot but has a functioning brain, howver much he listens to his mummy doesnt his own brain tell him what to do and what not to do in his own marriage???!!! Is there any chance the hubby himself wants the wife out because he feels the wife is not what he wanted (he wanted somebody to always listen, respect to his mom all the time in my guess) and now he feels his wife is incompitible becasue she doesnt listen to his mom which is what he wanted. In that case, I would think with the husband thinking like this the marriage future looks pretty dead to me (as in this would be a marriage devoid of respect, want, liking etc.) and hence I would leave and go back to India, and try to get back to the USA again by giving these exams under my own steam, instead of doing this as a married living with a huband who is a US resident/immigrant. I do realize you are strictly against divorce(also big probability that your family has paid *some* amount of dowry to the husband which you will probably lose if you give up on the marriage now), and I do realize this is how *I* would think if i were in your situation, however this is not abt me, but about you. So in the short term as you are thinking of how to hang on to marriage and how to get into the US medical studies, I would also start to think in a more proactive manner about how I want my marriage to be in future, how I want my life to be in the longer term.