My s/wDH asking me to accepts his scold & beats because nothing loss in it.

Reesha · Jun 17, 2015

hi ILs,

I sorted out my In-laws issues & baby care issues with help of you people in IL.
:bowdown
next week i am going to join in new company which offered good package comparatively previous one. in my opinion husband & wives both are equal. so every one need to respect each other in every aspect. i am expecting respective talking & respective behaviour from DH. i am expecting respect from him specially in front of his parents & family.

now my new problem is my DH. for long four years i am adjusting myself with his high pitch voice & commanding talking in every aspects. there is no smooth talking with me. there is no romanticness in his talking. there is no bargaining & apology in his talking even he did wrong towards me. there is no sense of humour & there is no hugs to me if i am crying for any reason.

He earns good more than me. so he is root for home finance. he is providing all facilities to me & my kid. he is performing perfect house owner role financially. he will think of our future savings & he provides maids to me so on... he dont have any bad habits & having good health care habits. he takes care me & my baby health's also by taking us to hospitals.

but by showing all these positive aspects, he is asking me to obey his every order like a slave with out considering my wish/opinion.

1. i shouldn't express/talk in case of his parents. but i should fallow his orders in case of his parents.

2. I shouldn't involve in any of his family matters. what ever he said, i should listen. what ever he says i should fallow. there is no scope for my opinion & thoughts & discussion so on....

3. As we both are s/w people we didnt get more than 30 min time for us together every day. in that time When i am sharing general talks about my friends/ family/office he behaves in reckless way that, he is playing mobile games instead of doing face to face communication & sitting to gether. it's like i am narrator & he is listner. it's looks like he is not giving importance to my talks. so i stopped talking. just listening him if he is narrating any thing.

4. When i want sex, when i tried to start romance with him, if he dont have mood, then he looks like me very bad girl. i lost my mood totally & getting cry from heart. but when he want, he occupied my body with out considering my feelings & facial expressions.

5. Every talk is like order & with high pitch voice. once as part of arguing about his parents(his parents mistreated me during my pregnancy), he is almost tried to slap me. in same way 3 times happened in different conditions.(one time in front of his parents) when i seriously argued, he tried to slap me. so i avoided arguments with him even it bothers me & stops communication with his parents & his matters.

today when he was in cool mood, i expressed my feelings about his behaviour . directly told him i am expecting respect in his talks & behaviour before of his love in doing all chores towards me. but he is saying that"what's loss in it if i scolds you/beats you for good things. If i scold you. accept it. if i beats you accept it. because no loss in it. who are you to tell me how to behave? i am providing all things to you. but still you are questioning me? if you join in this company, i am not able to expect your opposing level....my talking level is like this only. i behave like this only even with my team members. you are misunderstanding me. that's your fault. not in me."

when ever i had discussion with him about any matter,he is relating other things at home with his mis behaviour instead of standing on main point/reason. he is dragging other positive matters when i point out his negative factors.(Eg: no need to take about my new company when we discussing about behaviour).

almost i lost my love on him in my love bank. Now i am starving for love & smooth hug. i am able to control myself by diverting my mind for whole day. but before getting into sleep on bed, there are few minutes which my body & soul wants love but not getting. it fills my heart with heaviness & eyes with drops.

SGBV · Jun 17, 2015

Dear OP

I have read your other posts as well. I think you have lost the respect part in your marriage life due to your past behavior - though it was driven by your in laws.

Your husband still have affection and love for you; thus he provides all the facilities to make your life smooth. However, his commanding treatment and never repenting attitude say that he has no respect for you. More so, he does not understand the need to respect you as an equal person to him. Rather treat you as his subordinate or someone under him.

When it comes to respect, there are somethings that you should follow.

- Give respect, and earn respect
- Demand for respect when you feel it isn't there.

First of all, stop all your nagging about his parents, and specially your co-sister for now.
If I can't forget, at least try to ignore the past memories. Do not bring back their issues with your husband again. Do not expect your husband to be the judge here.

Behave respectfully. At the same time demand for respect. If he shouts, make an eye contact with him. Ask him the reason for high pitched voice? And tell him firmly that you don't like this.
Leave the place with anger, and keep the silence until he comes for an apology.
Dont argue, don't shout, don't drag this matter any further. Also, dont fall at his feet should he pretend to be angry either.

Like wise, deal with each issue on a respectful manner. He will respect you soon

iamsrihere · Jun 17, 2015

His attitude is definitely wrong. And it is absurd to say he is always like this even with his colleagues in office. Does he have friends?

If not, ask him to think about it and most of all, there are high chances for your kid to learn his mannerisms as he grows up. And you stop expecting love from him, and even expressing that to him. Ignore him for sometime , like do your work and just be at yourself. See if there is a change.

In case where he behaves badly, just resist and oppose immediately. If he argues just tell him you are also a person who deserves some respect. Don't bend down just because he is a providing for the family. This is not extra service that he is providing. Doing such things for own family can never be considered a favour/service. It is his DUTY!!

Note: Seeing another reply here makes me understand that iam unaware about your family issues earlier. Kindly introspect if you have some mistakes for which he is giving such a treatment. Even if otherwise, never tolerate abuse in any form.

shruti1487 · Jun 23, 2015

OP answer lies with you. Do you want to stay in this marriage or not? Whether it's arrange or love marriage - always remember one thing: marriage does involve compromise. If you're ready to compromise and accept this fact..half of the troubles are gone.

The problem with us ladies is that we want to confront our feelings to our husbands. We want answers and until we get these answers, we will just be fussy, bothering ourselves and people near us.

I know you are longing for love but do you think that asking will give you love? Like you compromise and earn respect at the place where you work, same funda apply in marriage too. You must have heard these sayings - "You get what you give. Tit for tat" but have you ever given a thought what are you doing except complaining.

Your husband was in good mood, instead of kissing him and hugging him..or just cracking some joke..you confronted him with your complaints. You have no right to spoil his mood...since you spoiled his mood, he left no room to hurt and spoil your mood.

If you can't digest your feelings, come here and write here and share your feelings or keep a diary and jot it down there. The problem is that we want answers. Again as I mentioned in my previous post, depression is selfish. You are depressed and sad because you are selfish and are always thinking of you.

Now coming to your points:

1. You only said they are his parents then why don't just listen him and keep yourself out of it. Believe me you will be happy. You won't be blamed for any decision related to your In-laws coz they are your husband's orders and not your decisions. You can always say..I'm following his orders, pls ask him..

2. Again be out of his family matters. Why do you want to get involve in his family matters? Have you ever thought the consequences once you are involved their family matters? You will be criticized for your advices, gossips..and then there will be another post coming from you saying why am I being criticized by my in-laws? Precaution is better than cure. Do appreciate that your husband is keeping you out of your in-law's mess.

3. Why do you only get 30 mins? How does that involve you both being from S/W side? Even if you are from same profession, why are you involving your friends or professional talk during that time? Even if he is on mobile or x-box..that's his free time too..and that's relaxing him...why don't you try to ask how was his day and if he wants to share anything...once he starts then start sharing your talks in context to what he talks. You just want him be statue and listen to you and nod at whatever you say...that's wrong..why don't you respect his free time?

4. Sex ego...he wants sex you give it to him in a bad way and when u impose he ignores...now u feel dirty and being used...give yourself to him when he wants you. Let him enjoy you with no questions asked and no expectations. Then after 6-7 times..you seduce him..I bet he will like you being and you won't feel hurt....but satisfy his ego first.

5. His abusive nature is wrong but you know what triggers it. Don't raise those issues and his bad nature won't be there.

Now you will be thinking that I'm saying all this from male perspective..again women nature..but trust me the answer of your problem lies in understanding what your husband wants.

We all understand what our newborn baby says without even being them speaking but only by our instincts, then why can't we understand our husbands?

Men are simple. They want respect, they want sex, they want to be followed, they want motherly care. Once you give them that they will be all what you want them to be. Trust me..Men are not complex like women...

CrayoNess · Jun 23, 2015

shruti1487 said: ↑

OP answer lies with you. Do you want to stay in this marriage or not? Whether it's arrange or love marriage - always remember one thing: marriage does involve compromise. If you're ready to compromise and accept this fact..half of the troubles are gone.

The problem with us ladies is that we want to confront our feelings to our husbands. We want answers and until we get these answers, we will just be fussy, bothering ourselves and people near us.

I know you are longing for love but do you think that asking will give you love? Like you compromise and earn respect at the place where you work, same funda apply in marriage too. You must have heard these sayings - "You get what you give. Tit for tat" but have you ever given a thought what are you doing except complaining.

Your husband was in good mood, instead of kissing him and hugging him..or just cracking some joke..you confronted him with your complaints. You have no right to spoil his mood...since you spoiled his mood, he left no room to hurt and spoil your mood.

If you can't digest your feelings, come here and write here and share your feelings or keep a diary and jot it down there. The problem is that we want answers. Again as I mentioned in my previous post, depression is selfish. You are depressed and sad because you are selfish and are always thinking of you.

Now coming to your points:

1. You only said they are his parents then why don't just listen him and keep yourself out of it. Believe me you will be happy. You won't be blamed for any decision related to your In-laws coz they are your husband's orders and not your decisions. You can always say..I'm following his orders, pls ask him..

2. Again be out of his family matters. Why do you want to get involve in his family matters? Have you ever thought the consequences once you are involved their family matters? You will be criticized for your advices, gossips..and then there will be another post coming from you saying why am I being criticized by my in-laws? Precaution is better than cure. Do appreciate that your husband is keeping you out of your in-law's mess.

3. Why do you only get 30 mins? How does that involve you both being from S/W side? Even if you are from same profession, why are you involving your friends or professional talk during that time? Even if he is on mobile or x-box..that's his free time too..and that's relaxing him...why don't you try to ask how was his day and if he wants to share anything...once he starts then start sharing your talks in context to what he talks. You just want him be statue and listen to you and nod at whatever you say...that's wrong..why don't you respect his free time?

4. Sex ego...he wants sex you give it to him in a bad way and when u impose he ignores...now u feel dirty and being used...give yourself to him when he wants you. Let him enjoy you with no questions asked and no expectations. Then after 6-7 times..you seduce him..I bet he will like you being and you won't feel hurt....but satisfy his ego first.

5. His abusive nature is wrong but you know what triggers it. Don't raise those issues and his bad nature won't be there.

Now you will be thinking that I'm saying all this from male perspective..again women nature..but trust me the answer of your problem lies in understanding what your husband wants.

We all understand what our newborn baby says without even being them speaking but only by our instincts, then why can't we understand our husbands?

Men are simple. They want respect, they want sex, they want to be followed, they want motherly care. Once you give them that they will be all what you want them to be. Trust me..Men are not complex like women...
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Yuck, what kind of crap ...

A husband is not in a position where he can give orders. A husbands family is his wife and children, not his parents. If the decisions affect his wife (=his family) then of course she has the right to be part of the decision making. Comparing a man with a newborn baby is silly. Men are grown up human beings totally capable (should be) behaving as an adult. Which means that you do not threaten with beatings, not throwing tantrums like a three year old, you act respectful to other people etc. A husband do not have the right to have sex whenever he wants, it is a mutual decision. Motherly care from the wife, yuck ...

shruti1487 · Jun 23, 2015

Well Ms. Crayoness if that's what you think, then you will end up never being happy in a marriage like the lady stated above...you want OP to stand up on this..come on and let's listen up to you and I'm sure she will end up in divorce or more abuse from her husband..you don't trust me...why don't ask the lady herself whose advise is well followed...

Moreover I'm writing in context to what she has stated here. That's my point of view and if you have a better advise that u can advise...feel free to open your mouth or keep your yucks to yourself!

CrayoNess · Jun 23, 2015

shruti1487 said: ↑

Well Ms. Crayoness if that's what you think, then you will end up never being happy in a marriage like the lady stated above...your u want her to stand up on this..come on and let's listen up to you and I'm sure she will end up in divorce or more abuse from her husband..you don't trust me...why don't ask the lady herself..whose advise is well followed...

Moreover I'm writing in context to what she has stated here. That's my point of view and if you have a better advise that u can advise...feel free to open your mouth or keep your yucks to yourself!
Click to expand...

How would she be happy in a marriage where the guy is ordering her around, using harsh language, threatening to beat her? Of course she can tip-toe around, provide sexual services whenever the guy feels for it, provide motherly care (= handfeeding, wiping his behind etc?) but would she really be happy? And what kind of impact would that have on the child to grow up in such environment.

shruti1487 · Jun 23, 2015

I guess it's easy to say something than being done..she tried to stood up for herself..what happened..she achieved nothing..why don't follow something different...there is a saying...a lady knows how she can make her man dance on her tunes...believe it or not...ladies have been manipulative since ages and survived the dominance of men....then why can't they follow those steps now? Coz they are earning and financially independent...if that's the case then why they get married and posts their stuff here asking for help?! Why don't just go and live life like westerners...

By comparing men to babies I don't mean wiping their asses but just trying to control them the way they are being controlled by their mums...these men who doesn't involve wife in "their" family matters and treat like craps have to be shown what wives are...but suddenly standing up on ur feet and asking them to give them love and respect, do u think will help them? If you have read I've compared it to the job...the workplace we work..we deal with so many craps but handle them manipulatively..then why can't husbands? I just told 4 simple steps to her that she can manipulate her husband and make her living easy.

When I got married...a nice old lady gave me two golden rules of marriage:

Rule 1. Never speak anything about anyone in your in-laws...stitch your mouth and never say a word or gossip about you in- laws to anyone..not even your parents...

Rule 2. Treat your husband like a mother and a girlfriend would be and he will always be yours..

I've followed these two rules since my marriage and my marriage was all good and the way I wanted it to be except the incident where my stupid parents visited me and ruined my marriage after the birth of my son where you Ms. Crayoness gave me good advise to move on...and trust me my old me is back on my two principles and my marriage rocks now!

yellowmango · Jun 23, 2015

shruti1487 said: ↑

OP answer lies with you. Do you want to stay in this marriage or not? Whether it's arrange or love marriage - always remember one thing: marriage does involve compromise. If you're ready to compromise and accept this fact..half of the troubles are gone.

The problem with us ladies is that we want to confront our feelings to our husbands. We want answers and until we get these answers, we will just be fussy, bothering ourselves and people near us.

I know you are longing for love but do you think that asking will give you love? Like you compromise and earn respect at the place where you work, same funda apply in marriage too. You must have heard these sayings - "You get what you give. Tit for tat" but have you ever given a thought what are you doing except complaining.

Your husband was in good mood, instead of kissing him and hugging him..or just cracking some joke..you confronted him with your complaints. You have no right to spoil his mood...since you spoiled his mood, he left no room to hurt and spoil your mood.

If you can't digest your feelings, come here and write here and share your feelings or keep a diary and jot it down there. The problem is that we want answers. Again as I mentioned in my previous post, depression is selfish. You are depressed and sad because you are selfish and are always thinking of you.

Now coming to your points:

1. You only said they are his parents then why don't just listen him and keep yourself out of it. Believe me you will be happy. You won't be blamed for any decision related to your In-laws coz they are your husband's orders and not your decisions. You can always say..I'm following his orders, pls ask him..

2. Again be out of his family matters. Why do you want to get involve in his family matters? Have you ever thought the consequences once you are involved their family matters? You will be criticized for your advices, gossips..and then there will be another post coming from you saying why am I being criticized by my in-laws? Precaution is better than cure. Do appreciate that your husband is keeping you out of your in-law's mess.
.
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And how about giving him a whip for his birthday to beat the little woman with.
Give him sex when ever he needs irrespective of how he treats....Wow ,even sex workers get to have a choice.
And treat him like a mommy ......ewwww!

beingloved · Jun 23, 2015

Being manipulative to husband? Keeping your mouth stitched? Providing sexual services whenever husband wants? Providing motherly care?

I wonder what kind of advise i'm reading..!!

If above mentioned are the price to a "rocking"marriage.. then sorry.. a woman is much much better than without a marriage. Dignity is most important..!!

PS: I'm in a very happy marriage with husband being respectful to me, my side of family and extremely dutiful to me & the kiddo. And i've never "manipulated" him. In both of our opinions.. being respectful and sensitive to each other is good enough for a good marriage..