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My Mother-in-love

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by jayasala42, May 12, 2019.

  1. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Today being ,Mothers' Day, I bow with reverence to my mother-in-law.She was actually more than a mother to me, a mother-in-love.This is a 100% truth.
    Her name, Ponnammal, as the name indicates was golden in character,conduct and behaviour.She lost her husband, in a bullock cart accident on vaikunta Ekadasi day while travelling to Srirangam with her husband and children.He was 32, a tall hefty man ,very good in handling bulls.As ill luck would have it, the bull became uncontrollable, he left his wife and three children at home, only to go back and get caught in the same place.The fulcrum of the wheel got disjointed, poked his thighs ;.He died the next day. The lady took refuge with her parents with three children aged 7,5 and 3.

    Her father being a conservator of forests had his quarters amidst forests in Travancore-cochin samsthan in 1900s. The children, all daughters were taught at home by Nair ladies in Kerala.
    By 15 she had a good knowledge of Tamil, malayalam and Sanskrit and a lesser idea about English.
    She had to depend on her parents for every single pie from the great disciplinarian forest dweller, Thatha.
    My husband and his brother and sister were brought up with much love,affection and strict discipline.
    When my marriage was fixed with the second son,my parents were very much anxious for my becoming the dIL of a lady widowed at a very young age and the possibility of her being depressed could not be ruled out.
    As I entered as a new vadhu into the grandfather's village home, my MIL welcomed me with a smile.She told me that I would have full freedom in the house to express what I felt and what I wanted.Thatha wanted to test me on a few occasions with awful questions, which I answered with smile.
    From day 1 ,she was living with us for nearly 32 years, but for a few months' gap.
    She had respect for educated girls.She was willing to learn whatever is good from me and from my children also.She had orthodoxy to the core, sometimes impractical to observe. Yet when pointed out she accepted that what I felt was correct and she was trying to win over the constant struggle between her mind and intellect.When ever I read Viswa' s article on 'mind' I am reminded of her.
    She could very well place herself in the position of a new vadhu who might have been brought up under different situations.
    During every festival, she used to enquire what was the custom in our house and if I don't find it comfortable we could follow my parent's customs and slowly switch over.
    There had been occasions when I had been depressed or worried.She allowed me to grieve and after two or three days slowly asked me what my problem was, whether I could share and if within her limits she would be of help.Such a consoling word, I would not have got even from my parents.
    She never pointed out mistakes when the process was on.She would take time, see the situation , discuss with me after office hrs and told categorically that my idea would never work out and the pros and cons.
    Her arguments were highly based on indisputable logic . On many occasions she had conceded to my arguments also.
    I can never forget the conversations we had from 6P. M. to 6.45 daily after coming from office.At 5, she would have finished cooking, some vathal kuzhambu or rasam and eagerly wait for me and enquired what happened in the office.My son used to comment as 'MIL-DIL session'
    On the first day, she asked me,'enna padichchunde?( what did you learn?) Then she explained that every day you will have some experience in which you learn something ,which can be transferred to her also. My respect towards my MIL( mother-in-love) grew day by day and I almost became her fan.

    We also faced worst situation in 1988 when my husband met with a motor bike accident.He had severe head injury, with bruises all over his body and fracture in his shoulders, ribs and elbow.
    The word'accident' was a night mare for her since she lost her husband in road accident.
    She was unconsolable,but came to terms with the reality, built up courage and was a pillar of strength to me and my children.
    My husband was in coma for 25 days, and then operated for his fractures and came home after 45 days with total memory loss.
    My full concentration was to prepare notes of lessons every day ,to train my husband to bring his memory back.My MIL took complete charge of the kitchen. Everyday she prepared a big chart of of events that took place 45 years back one by one in date wise succession.I had my own chart of alphabets, numbers, calculators, bank procedure etc.
    Initial hurdles, sarcastic remarks by neighbours increased our anxiety. But my MIL never allowed even close relatives.She was much worried about the future/marriage of my children if some gossips are spread about the condition of my husband. She informed everyone that visitors are totally banned because they would be prone to infection.
    What a grit and determination she had !Even though I was guided by neuro specialists as to how to impart training,
    my MIl's role as a guide was the most important contributory factor in our success.She could understand the mind of every one at home including children.I would compare her to X ray unit.
    She was never after gossip. She would spread only the positive points of others.
    We have taken her to all the places from Kashmir to Kanyakumari when we went on Leave Travel concession.There was some inconvenience of cooking and washing the vessels , since she won't take food outside.
    She knew so many historical facts which we ourselves didn't know. She would explain the difference between scriptures of cholas, Pallavas and Chalukya dynasties and narrate so many stories to children, as I was busy cooking food for her alone.
    She wanted to have space and allowed her son/DIl to have full privacy. Not even once she opened my hand bag to see the contents. As she was free and could keep up secrets, we could easily discuss problems with her and had the advantage of her age and experience.
    My sister-in-law's daughter had a down syndrome baby. My MIL ,casually going through the Hindu found an article about such children and about a doctor in Hyd treating such children.She marked the artcle with red pencil and kept it ready for discussion with me during evening session. Such was her inquisitiveness.

    All my sisters and cousins were jealous of me for having the best MIL ( mother-in-love ).Even today she is held in high esteem by one and and all.
    I have learnt a lot from her in 32 years which I could not learn from my parents. The greatest lesson is to ' how to be a good MIL' and she is an emulator to follow.Even if one possesses 50% of her traits she could fit well into any household with DILs having certain undesirable traits.

    I dedicate this snippet to my dear MIL on this Mother's Day.

    Jayasala42
     
  2. girvani

    girvani Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Amma,

    I am in tears reading this. You are blessed so are the people around you. My humble nam askarams to you and your mother in love.

    Vani
     
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  3. Ammu2886

    Ammu2886 Gold IL'ite

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    dear @jayasala42 mam,
    Such a wonderful snippet about your mother in love...Happy Mother's day :)
    Mam,how is your husband now?
     
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  4. kkrish

    kkrish Finest Post Winner

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    Dear @jayasala42 ma'am
    What a beautiful "samarpanam" to a beautiful soul.
    My namaskarams to you both.
    :worship2:
     
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  5. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Dear JS Ma'm,

    Such a touching description about your MIL. These are the untold stories of amazing people in our lives. You are indeed very fortunate to have had her in your life. I cannot think how many women who were knowledgeable like your MIL did not have an opportunity to share! And between the lines, it was easy to figure out that you were also equally caring and recognized the best and adjusted to what was not working. What a combination! No wonder many of your relatives were jealous of your relationship. I have always believed it is the bonding of women in the family that can allow for a happier family. You talking of your MIL reminded me of both my MIL and mother, not that I don't think of them. Both of them together would have been what your MIL was to you - Mother in Love. While my mom was courageous and taught us independence and self reliance, my MIL was love and caring personified! I do miss them terribly. Thank you for bringing this lovely narration. Indeed she should be remembered to this day and by sharing with us, you are most certainly reminding me to be better!

    Happy Mother's day to you upload_2019-5-12_16-15-15.png
     
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  6. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you JS ma'am for sharing this tribute of love. Your mother in law is an admirable woman. For those who question the marking of special days for the people in our lives your snippet is the answer. While we must cherish our loved ones every single day, it is on occasions like these that we get a chance to blow the dust off long forgotten memories and to purposefully celebrate the ties that bind.

    I imagine we have been privy to some of these stories through the anecdotes you've shared here. Your grandchildren are lucky. I hope there is a comprehensive collection of your writings somewhere for them to treasure. One of the greatest casualties of the modern disjoint family structure is the loss of the verbal transfer of knowledge from grandparents to grandkids. I never had the chance to be around my grandparents for more than a few weeks at a time and my children suffer the same. I couldn't rectify this loss with my grandparents but I have hounded my parents and in laws to put down their stories on paper. My MIL and mom are terrified of visiting me because they get homework when I'm out of the house. I've asked them to record anything they can recollect — the food they ate, how it was prepared, their impressions of everyday life as children, the customs, the festivals. Nothing too structured; a free-form chronicle of their memories, snippets of life if you will. I have to say the grandfathers have been more cooperative than the grandmothers. After lots of coaxing and cajoling, so far my mother has mostly written down her mother's recipes, and my MIL's notebook has a few stories of her siblings and beautiful freehand rangoli designs and sketches of Gods. I'm not complaining. Every page is worth treasuring. I plan to have them leather bound and preserved for the little ones until they are old enough to value them.

    Happy Mother's Day to you and moms everywhere!
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2019
  7. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you Girvani. I am really blessed.
    Jayasala 42
     
  8. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Ammu, Thank you for the response.
    Continuous efforts by myself and MIL, proper guidance from Neuro specialists yielded good results. My husband regained his full memory.Joined duty after six long months( he was in a bank) ,worked for 12 more years, got two promotions, retired in 1998.
    Now he is 81, helping me a lot in household duties.He is very much interested in Tamil literature.Has written many poems and plays which were telecast in All India Radio.The sweet memories of MIL linger for ever.
    Jayasala 42
     
  9. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear KKrish,
    Thank you for the response. Many used to say 'better comapre the horoscope of girls with that of MIL to see the matching, which matters a lot when they have to live together.
    Really I was fortunate to have had such a wonderful MIl.Thanks a lot.Happy Mother's Day.

    jayasala 42
     
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  10. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Srama,
    I am very happy to learn that you too had an affectionate MIL. Definitely it was a great blessing. When I read about so many misunderstandings and atrocities in Forum mails, I feel sorry for them. My MIl didn't have proper schooling.She learnt only through private tuitions. She too had her misfortune. Yer her innate patience and acceptance helped her to elevate herself.
    Hers help was not a forced one.It was voluntary.
    One of my sisters was forsaken by her husband .She took refuge with my parents with her four children.She could easily relate the incident to her own life and soon on hearing this, she asked me to send Rs 200/ p. m ( I was earning Rs 400/ at that time ) towards education expenses.We used to get Mail Transfer advice from the bank which my MIl used to receive. If the receipt was not received till 10th she would remind me to enquire whether there was any slip from the bank's side.I can write thesis about her.Yet I stop.
    jayasala 42
     

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