my life widout him

anu1368 · Mar 12, 2012

Hi!really iam v.happy for such a support.first point,that girl coming and staying here more time.wen ever she is is sad he used to bring hm.nd he says that he is neglecting studies.results at to cum.im waiting for them.their father doesnt like to meet them as well as children.becoz all this happend recently means 5 yrs bk.after developing contacts wd anther lady,he brought her hm nd created somany problems.children are 15 and 19 by that time.they are aware of all these things.so they to dont like to go to him,i forcibly sent them to him.but his rude behaviour made them against to him.so they are nt going.comng to my parents ,nobody at my hm accept this.again problem.so i cant share wd anybody.if i say any thing he says he is nt doing wrong.but for somany reasons the girl spends most of her time here itself.he says sum problem,if i say anything he gets irritated.they wont behave badly.but i wnt to be wd my kids.if i say to him he is feeling bad.i dont know wats happening.

GMReddy · Mar 14, 2012

since boy is of college age and is very direct in his friendship with the girl, have a dialogue with both your son and girl. find out:

1. what are their goals in life -education and career wise
2. what they are going to do about your daughter's education and marriage
3. are they going to support you in future or not

meanwhile you better emotionally/financially become independent of your son and daughter. take care till their education and ask them to look after themselves. give only moral support once they are through with education.

plan your life and get yourself busy in your day to day life by doing activities that are interest to you.

aaral · Mar 17, 2012

Shanvy said: ↑

Anu,

Welcome to IL. I can understand your tension, your insecurity.

there are two issues in your post.

1. not being able to live without him..and i am taking him to be your son rather than your husband. remember, you cannot expect your child to do things for you, but if they do it is ok. you can go out, pick up some new courses, new hobbies, keep yourself engaged, if you are not working. just because your experiences were bitter, it does not mean your child will also have the same.

2. coming to the other part, your son's first love. I would like to assume it as a friendship, rather than first love. but since you feel so, let us look at it as first love. your son should be 18+, he is still a teenager, coming from a dysfunctional background. i appreciate his bringing the girl home rather than going and staying with her in her room.. the parents of the girl not objecting could be because they trust their girl as well as your son more than you do..let us not be judgemental..sometimes, what a third person can see, maynot be seen by the parent because of our worries, our responsiblity.

next time, you can ask him to bring her to lunch. show your trust, talk to both of them. that they are just taking baby steps towards life. and you don't want them to be distracted. you understand both their feelings, and if it is more than friendship, you expect them to be more stronger, and responsible, and that you are talking from your experience. that they should finish their college studies, stand on their legs, both financially and emotionally before taking any big step. when the girl's parents' come visiting her, ask them over. so that you can all be in the loop. you can understand the girl and her family.

Last but not least, do not point out that he is not listening because his father is not around. you never know, what that man-child at 18 thinks..there are situations where the kids think they could also be the reasons for the parent's separation. so do not add on to that saying that he is not listening because of this reason. remember, reaching out to him, takes effort.

It is a generalised statement that today's kids do not listen. they do listen, only sometimes, we adults do not want to listen to what is being said, or what is not being said. they go through more pressure, stress than what we had as kids. they think more, analyse more than what we would expect of them. let us look at the positivity rather than the negativity.

i am sure your son is responsible. i believe that this girl could be the anchor he is holding on to in the traumatic period..sometimes, it does happen..you can relate and appreciate somebody more, during a testing time...

Do not press the panic button and lose the respect, your son must have for you. sometimes patience, understanding and looking from your son's angle and then talking to him helps..

all the best..
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Shavy madam has given very good advice. Please take her advice.

Shanvy · Mar 17, 2012

anu1368 said: ↑

.but i wnt to be wd my kids.if i say to him he is feeling bad.i dont know wats happening.
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BTW are you talking about the lady your husband brought home, before separating or the girl your son brought home?? if it is the son, you need to be clear before you talk to him. don't guilt trip him about anything. don't draw parallels with his dad. remember your extended family support is needed but not at the cost of your kid's happiness.

Why don't you talk to the girl and find out what is the problem as a friend and not as her friend's mother.

Anu, i can understand the confusion and the insecurity in your post. but remember you children are adults and they can form their opinions. be happy they want to stay with you, but that does not mean they should spend all their time with you. that said, talk to both your children, tell them that you want some quality time with your kids, inspite of them being grown up. remember if you become possessive, kids at this age tend to break free. read books, pick up a hobby, or make your own friends. what would you have done , if your children moved to some other place for their studies.

sometimes, learning to understand and to cope is the trick. you need to do it now, or you will have more emotional pain later..

anu1368 · Mar 30, 2012

Hi! Frnds.iam trying to follw ur suggestions.but i dont know wats happening?that girl came here to spend one week becoz all classmates went to tour.no body there.ok.after that she came and requeste me that she want to stay few more days.but nw its almost one month.if iam asking any thing to my son before i atart he is doing fuss.i fell down recently.he is saying no need to do anything for them as im nt well.but hw many days i can allow her?hw can i ask her to leave?her brought yup is like boy.she doesnt know anything.at least she cant even ask me hw iam?i dint mean she is bad.but it is nt good to keep her here this many days.finally im feeling like asking him also to go if he wants.really im loosing my privacy.one or two days ok.almost all mnth,i dont know hw many more.atleast they are nt telling me.i started to hate him also.if i ask any thing he is saying that he is grown up,21 yrs.he know every thing.i dont to know wat to do?

flowerlady · Mar 30, 2012

Dear OP,
You have to be strict now and tell the girl to make her own arrangements. Her parents must be sending her money for hostel, food etc. She is not your problem. She can become a paying guest somewhere.Get her parent's number and call them up.
Call both of my together and tell her that you cannot host her anymore.Your son may yell and scream , and may threaten to leave home.But stick to your decision.
Set boundaries for your son, let him know that Mom will not get pushed around.
Your son knows that you need him that's why he is supporting that girl .

GMReddy · Mar 31, 2012

dear op,

you better make it clear to your son that you are not liking his gf stay with you any longer...and also tell the girl to look for another accommodation such as hostel...

your son and his gf are taking advantage of your softness towards them...

you can tell them that you need privacy and can not take care of their needs if the girl stays like this...

you can also try to inform girl's parents that how you dislike this kind of behaviour from both of them...

somehow you need to make your displeasure clear to both your son and his gf...

best of luck...

anu1368 · Apr 1, 2012

GMReddy said: ↑

dear op,

you better make it clear to your son that you are not liking his gf stay with you any longer...and also tell the girl to look for another accommodation such as hostel...

your son and his gf are taking advantage of your softness towards them...

you can tell them that you need privacy and can not take care of their needs if the girl stays like this...

you can also try to inform girl's parents that how you dislike this kind of behaviour from both of them...

somehow you need to make your displeasure clear to both your son and his gf...

best of luck...
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hi! i tried to clear him.but wen ever i do such a thing he is becoming furious.sum time i feel like to slap him.they know that im nt feeling good abt this.but they are doing this.if i inform to her parents,they will tell my son as they became v.close to him.i started to hate them

passionate89 · Apr 1, 2012

Talk to him freely and make him understand how important even career is. Give him freedom (If both of them are in love truely), Let him bring her home. Talk,go out, have fun... Be friendly.. Let him have spend some time with her.. Do not restrict. If you start to restrict, they will go out and meet, or he might go to her room,etc.. Instead let him and her be in your presence.. But make sure that they are serious about their relationship.

passionate89 · Apr 1, 2012

Tell that girl directly if she crosses her limit in the name of privacy. You are a parent they need to have fear in you as well. Try to keep them close to you by being friendly and also to have little fear in you