my husband still does not allow me to stay at mom's place for more days :(

swarupajoshi · Sep 10, 2015

my daughter is 11 mnths old, but still he is very dominant.
he is stubborn hearted and inhumane.

my parents health is not good. they live in same city as I live with my younger sister who is in final year studying.
my mom's place is about 1.30 hrs. by bus. but he never comes unless my parents call him/ invite specially to him.

2 yrs back he did not allow to visit my mom's place, i said that i may take drastic steps which may harm me.
i cried, so from that time i go once (after 40 days/a month) for 2 days only.

i usually go on friday evening and come at his place by monday morning, and then i goto work.

if i ask that i want to go on this thursday(as it is holiday) by taking leave on friday,
he does not allow me.

and if i try to do so, he is sure to make a big drama by help of his mother which can disturb my parents,as he said that he will call my parents for this issue.

i tried to talk to him, but he is stubborn, and says that my little sister can take care of my parents.
but i feel its my duty too as long as i am alive.

now my mom has asked me about 30 times on phone to please come early to meet them atleast on friday for Ganpati,
i told her lies that its not possible & i can come on friday to meet them, and tell some other reason like my baby is very mischevious etc.
i feel so bad when i talk this to her.

(1 incident of his behaviour:
for his money requirements like, to deposit jointly for travelling in future he forced me to deposit 2000 Rs. every month.
even he does deposit. his strategy to take money is simple. he himself will do that and force me too. for transactions in joint account.)

i am very cool. and i hate his behaviour. but it affects me a lot. as a result i cry sometimes in office.
i have no freedom. my in laws stay with us. he is lone son, and he wil never leave his parents. he cares for his parents and does not have
any sympathy for my parents

sometimes i cry in office.
please guide me to solve this issue which affects my parents.

please refer my past posts
links:
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/245953-troubled-fed-up-my-marriage.html
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/236210-please-help-my-life-my.html

IshAsokan · Sep 11, 2015

Dear Swarupa,

I deeply feel bad for you. My prayers to god to make your husband open his eyes and start becoming kind to you. In general, MIL's are heartless in most cases but FIL's are a bit better. Can you talk to your FIL alone and cry your heart out to him? He might convince your MIL and DH.

Akanksha1982 · Sep 11, 2015

I think you need to stand up for yourself. Ask him looking into his eyes, does he consider you as slave or as a life partner. Repeat it every time. Don't let him come close to you and say that people don't come close to slaves. Make him feel guilty. Give him silent treatment. Tell him how low is thinking is. If he argues, just walk away - say people don't argue with slaves. Hope this will get him thinking.

sangeethakripa · Sep 11, 2015

Read your other two posts too.Sorry for you Your MIL and DH is enjoying their dictatorship over you. As Akansha said please STAND UP for you and your Daughter. You need to learn to fight audaciously and resist their power on you. Be reminded that you & your family are not slaves to them. They are playing on your fears. First, you get over from your fears, so you will know the solution to handle them.

gauridinesh · Sep 18, 2015

1) Dont ASK . Inform him. Go to your mom's place. Let the drama play out. Dont budge. Just listen and dont respond. You dont need permission to visit your parents.
2) When he 'force you to put money there', does that mean he will nag you to do it? If you dont want to add it, dont do it. Let him nag all he wants. Let him create all the ruccus he wants, just be calm and walkaway.

3) Let him do all the drama he wants. Your MIL and him do the drama because they know you are affected by it. Take leave and go to your mom's place - let them do the drama once - tell ur parents to ignore. You ignore it too. He may have sullen face and attitude for 10 days. Do the same next time. Again the same thing. You remain calm after the 4th time, they will get tired and then stop trying to force you.

4) Next time,during an argument, ask him if he realizes that in another 15 -20 years, he will have a son-in-law who will tell the same thing to his daughter. How would he feel? Or better, when he shows too much love for his daughter, tell him not to. Because she will get married one day and would not be allowed to stay or visit him. Say it in jest. He will get the idea.

Unless you stand up for yourself, you are not going to win this right.

swarupajoshi · Sep 21, 2015

i had tried 1st point 2 yrs back, but it led to headache to me and my parents. he had called at that time to my parents to not send me to his home. he is hot tempered and if i would not have went his home it probably would have led to divorce, which i do not want