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My House Becoming Transit Centre

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Vedhavalli, Apr 24, 2017.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Silver IL'ite

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    I live just 50 miles from an International airport, off late my house became transit center for people coming from India and traveling internally in US.
    It all started when one of my DH's friend got delayed in airport for another city flight 1.5 years ago.
    The friend called told (dint 'ask') my dh should pick him and he would stay there until weather clears for his flight.
    He came stayed a night and day. As he had jet lag from long flight from India, I cooked full 3 course meals with coffee tea snacks what not.
    Me and Dd just landed 3 days ago for the first time US , though DH had set up the house.
    I was so stupid with my jet lag I went on doing seva for him atiti Devo bhava. Which back fired me now, firing me actually.
    This friend now thought instead of direct flight to his city from India which would cost little high, he started telling others friends of DH ( kind of close aquitances) that whenever they want to travel to or from India they can happily come and stay here.
    Intially I thought how much travel hardly yearly once. So dint take heavily.
    Then started the issue
    Almost 2 months once someone would call to pick him or the family. Stay a night eat well and take a rented car to their city or flight, which costs less. This became a routine. Pick up drop to airport.
    Now from the month of Feb my Dh drives almost 2 times a week to airport to pick friend's friend, kind of "dhoor ke rishtedhar ke chacha beta, Nani ka mama ka bhaitja, ones..
    That friend of my Dh is so manipulatative and gets things on his type. He thinks we have oblige him as he helped my DH when he came here for the first time (only once he booked one cab to DH hotel)

    The so called friend travelled twice and we thought he won't come to stay again, but we were wrong he came to stay with his family and asked us to drop to airport.
    Then the Friend brought his friend's parents for the same purpose. This time I could not show irritation to elders. Though had a big fight with DH.

    Now 1 week back the Friend came from India stayed for a night saying rented car is cheap option than inland flight. With jet lag he can't drive, hence staying up.
    I cooked aloo paratha, served with raitha and pickle the friend commented "oh simple meals" . I said yes.
    Then he said he can't sleep in couch in living room demanded my Kid's room, like last time time. Before that when he came with his family we gave our bedroom.
    I told him kid doesn't like anyone in it's room though kid sleeps in our room too. I went inside our bedroom.
    He frowned, said ok. I could see dissatisfaction. He complained of harder couch.
    Next day morning, I made pongal chutney by 9 am.
    He got up said " I'm hungry good to see simple break fast".
    I dint ask him to eat, told DH this is last time.
    Again for lunch made elaborate meals, sambar rasam curry and fryums. He said though the food is good, i like curries with more oil. I dint acknowledge nor asked him to eat. He ate with hubby.
    All the times he visited don't wash his plate or puts in sink, irritated me more, as I wouldn't wash anyone's plate. ( May sound silly)
    Finally he left. This his 4 ( to n fro 8) visit in a year. I'm totally pissed off with him.
    Also his friends why should I be a cook or is my house a transit place?
    Had a huge fight with husband now.
    My points are
    1. Will the friend's wife show same courtesy to us? Answer is NO ( That's another big story when we visited for a day, they don't offer tea or coffee)
    2. To airport up and down it's 85 miles, will the Friend do pick up or drop for us getting permission from boss? Again it's NO. He would say it's costing half tank gas.
    Why should we spend so much on gas? Unnecessarily
    3. Plus their friends staying for night. Will they do for my friends or relatives? No again
    How to tell my husband they are using as transit place... They won't reciprocate same if we do to them?
    I fought cried... Nothing happened as this Friend is childhood friend same school same college type.
    The friend calls only a day before of letting us know about thier stay, which I feel should be well advance noticed, no one would book flight just 2 days ago

    What I did this time,
    1. Didnot tell the person to eat.
    2. Dint tell them sleep in Kid room
    3. Made simple meals in good quality and quantity.
    4. Subtly made them understand I don't like you guys coming ...When he said will see soon.
    5. Told we had other plans for the weekend...
    6. Once I really had fever, kid had fever
    They came for transit service.
    What else I can do?
    P.S sorry for the long post. I really don't know how to avoid such people. Thinking to tell them on face, if they were my friends I would could do.

    Moderator pls move to Indians in USA forum if you find this post in more related to it.
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2017
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    The only way with such people is to be direct. Can your husband do this? Otherwise next time they come you plan to be out of the house. Let your husband manage everything like food and transport. Maybe his attitude will change then. It's easier for your husband at this time to say no to you than his friend.
     
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  3. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Your DH should actually tell the friend either not to call or intimate his so and so frineds because there are many issues with people staying and this happening multiple times.And he could possibly say some reasons to back his statement.

    Your DH can put this in a funny way or as a matter of fact way.Most men dont like to be instructed how to phrase the words. So leave it to him.

    This way it will make the friends clear that such things are not entertained henceforth and he may too find other means to save his face.
     
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  4. Valli1964

    Valli1964 Silver IL'ite

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    My dear,

    Some people are just born users. They shamelessly sit and exploit as much as someone lets them. Your husband may be feeling too obligated or cowardly to tell his friend no, so I advice you to put your foot down. The next time this happens, don't be in the house too much.

    Don't bother cooking any breakfast - get some cereals and place them on the counter. People are capable of serving themselves. Go out with your children to a local park/attraction and eat outside, calmly returning in the evening. In the meantime, let them fend for themselves. It might seem very rude, but no other message will get to these people.
     
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  5. ashneys

    ashneys Gold IL'ite

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    Reading the instances n the friends- family, friends - friend kind of story n all, this friends sounds very manipulative n he is a user. This is too much for anyone to handle. N yes, like ur own experience proves, most or none of them r gona return even half the favor.

    Tell your husband to talk to him, though mostly guys do find it hard to do this 'talk'. If he still doesnt have the heart to talk, then its only upto u.

    with the last visit, u have kind of showed that u r unhappy. It was right of u to not give up the rooms, from now on, make sure u never give up the rooms regardless of the age of the ppl, they get the couch or the floor. n stop cooking completely for them. Say u r not well, cant cook. say, order n pay for it urself or go eat out. make simple sandwiches for u n ur kids only for that day. say if u want, heres the bread. as long as u r hosting even with the so called simple food, hes gona keep coming. stop completely. I have come across these ungrateful ppl too. they can be shameless n u have to b direct or even mean if that doesnt work. hosting guests r important, but not these kinds. u don have to b a bakra n be at his service, jus bcoz he wants to save a few bucks and wants to behave like a demanding spoiled brat.
     
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  6. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    As soon as the summer starts, it will became a routine in my house, too. These people studied a millennia ago with my DH and I hardly ever visited their home in my whole life; One of the drawback of staying in big city; They come here for a conference or business visits. They are well paid in allowance for their travel. Oh, no....they like to visit my DH and like to stay with us for a day, just to talk! Who said "girls talk non-stop", his buddies drink tea for their "thirst" (no alcohol allowed in my house) and keep on talking till early AM.

    Saturday, I refused to get out of bed and declared that I am sick. Finally, my DH went half heartily to receive his friend, had lunch and dropped him at his hotel. The news is, he will be back again in 2-weeks. For the 2nd round, I cannot hide.
     
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  7. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Silver IL'ite

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    In such case the husband has to speak up and say that the guest cannot be picked up and entertained..close family members r ok but not distant acquintances, friends of friends etc..and not on regular basis..can give genuine reason like busy with work, and kids, wife not well, childcare , work pressures, domestic responsibilities etc..husband has to make it clear to friends that entertaining people on regular basis is becoming strenuous and expensive and cutting down the family time that you have..
    You also have to put ur foot down and refuse..
    Becos ur hubby is obliging more and more requests are coming in..
    Next time ur hubby gets such a request he can express his unavailability politely suggest motels or hotels close to airport and offer to help to make reservation..that way u can help them without actually straining urself.
    Sorry to say but unless both of u are equally firm nothing much can be done..it's give n take policy, u help people and they help u similarly..one way efforts just cause tiredness and resentment,
     
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  8. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    50 miles is still far, and it's unreasonable that you and your husband continue volunteer this "service". I don't burden my own family, for a 1 hour drive to the airport (neither does my BIL, cousins, parents, etc.) Instead, we use Uber, or taxi service - it's really not that expensive, considering they are NOT parking a car at the airport. Why don't you (your husband, really) suggest that they book an uber or taxi or use public transport? Say that something came up at work, or some issue with ER doctor for children (fever or something like that). They can't do or say anything against that.
     
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  9. saps105

    saps105 Gold IL'ite

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    sorry to hear that. This same used to happen when we were in Mumbai then Bombay in early 70s. everybody used to come to Bombay for International travel related work like visa processing etc so the stay used to extend to 2-3 weeks as well. My father had to skip work to pick them/drop off at airport. My mom had to cook for them, go for work put on with their nakras. So i do understand your problem

    You did the right thing to refuse to give up the bedroom, keep the stand. Next time if he passes any comments regarding food/facilities do remember to comment how good they were as hosts and do tell them there are many hotels if doesnt like what is being offered. Unfortunately, there is nothing much you can do to stop his visits unless being point blank blunt. if your hubby doesnt feel right to refuse then you will have to take the initiative. You can tell him as below

    "you have been here so many times. I have lost count in these many years. you are inviting people / strangers to stay at our place. I am not comfortable letting strangers at our place." you can say diplomatically or be blunt as some shameless people don't understand subtle.

    Please remember it could also affect their friendship but its better for your hubby not to have such friends. hope this issue resolves for you.
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2017
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  10. Sandhya13

    Sandhya13 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I am amazed how people could be shameless to this extent!

    I think you have to directly deal with this issue.

    My personal opinion is that it is not right to let someone stay in our house and then show them how unwelcome they are just to make them stop coming. Instead, you should directly tell them beforehand that they cannot stay in your house stating some or the other reasons. Think about it ahead and have some 2-3 reasons ready as to why they just cannot come to your house. Be firm and polite when you tell then they cannot come. If they tell you that they have already booked the tickets, you politely tell them that they should have checked before booking. So, let them stay in a hotel for one night and then take the rental car to their place. It is NOT your problem.

    People will take advantage of you ONLY when you allow them to. Clearly, your DH lacks assertiveness when it comes to dealing with these people. Practice with him several times beforehand by pretend play. Put your foot down on this issue. It is just getting too much.
     

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