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My Colleague Is Torn Between Her Morals And Happiness

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by SGBV, Sep 12, 2018.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you all

    First of all, I won't be involving in to her personal matters beyond a limitation. I wouldn't be talking with her on this matter all the times either.
    Since, she is sharing my house for now (will leave to her house very soon), and sharing her emotions openly, I felt responsible to give my opinion on this.
    And I wanted to be very sure of what I talk, as I personally do not want to be the moral police.

    I wish she is strong, and can tackle the problems if any down the line
     
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  2. gorgeous23

    gorgeous23 Silver IL'ite

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    sometimes people do inadvertently fall . evrything is going great, good job, happy married life , no intention at all of finding another man or woman & then it happens ..out of the blue. you vibe with sumbody to such an extent that despite you knowing this is wrong & can probably lead to a lots of mess, the heart simply wont cooperate.
    it is as if the mind knows but the heart wont listen.
    from what i can make out of the post, the lady too is sumwhat involved.& the best course of action would be to back out , maybe talk it out with the man & quit or if that is not an option, simply back out of it before it becomes difficult to disentangle emotionally.
    trust me, such things can lead to a lot of heartache & trust issues.

    at the same time, let us not forget that we all need companionship: romantic or otherwise. maybe she can start involving herself more in her own family/work & maybe once she goes back & leads a normal life with her husband & kids, slowly she will get out of it. but i dont know abt the guy, he is probably in for lot of heartache.
    that is why, the sooner you cut contact , the better for both.

    heartbreaks alter people, they damage you as a person, so back out before the entanglement is too deep & damaging for them both.
    Until & unless you want to break your marriage & really think seriously abt this guy , there is no other option.
     
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  3. Amulet

    Amulet Gold IL'ite

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    I assume #21 of this thread is OP's final word on the matter. Now that it is sort of settled, I have this thought:

    Two children, lots of household challenges, a body that looks like my aunty's (that I used to make fun of only a few years ago), husband, maid, driver problems etc... how does a woman find time to have a bit of something on the side ? If some woman is still able to, as they say, have it all, and still have some energy left over to hook some guy into chatting with her on the internet, and even go further with that, shouldn't we say "phew... I am glad it is you, and not me" OR... "good god, how does she do all that" ? Women who can juggle all that, and still stray a little, are superbeings. Like we had already done on this thread, we can only watch and comment. Like spectator sports on TV.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I think you have completely misjudged this post. It happens, as people respond from what they think or what they know, instead of looking at the problem.

    This woman has all the free time in her hand, as she is staying miles away from her family. On top of it, there is this time difference, that makes it difficult to be in touch with her family all the time.
    By the time she comes home from work, her children and hubby are in bed... and they won't be available for chit, chats on a daily basis by loosing their good night sleep. Unless, there is anything urgent or important, their usual chat is limited and timely just like any other family.
    She may chat with them during office time, which I don't know. But I can comment on her frustrations at evenings till she falls asleep, and during weekends when there is no work.

    Here, she has no issues either... No maid, no driver nothing as everything is managed by the office. She is an expat, and given an excellent salary to compensate this desert life.

    When you have all the free time, and feeling empty emotionally due to the distant relationship, it is obvious that the mind needs companionship.
    Just that, it would have been easier had she found a female companion.
    Even now, I don't think she is into EMA or anything, but just chit chatting and getting satisfied with the fact that someone is waiting there for her. At least, this is what I understood from her talks.
    But again, she feels guilt and battling with her morals due to the gender of her companion.

    I honestly don't bother anything about her companions' gender, but I am not sure what is expected from the other side.
    The other guy could lie and pretend to be a friend since she insisted that.
    He may come after her upon she returns home, though he promises not to
    And he may truly fall for her, since he needs a companion for life, unlike this woman. In her case she needs a companion only to kill her loneliness here at work place, and she won't need him once she is back at home.
    So, this can create further issues down the line, including marital problems.
    I am concerned about them alone...
     
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  5. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, companionship is needed but doesn’t it come with boundaries. Doesn’t it need to done with some conscience? Isn’t it coming to look like utilising another person’s vulnerability here?! Just felt as if she is taking that guy’s vulnerable position for a ride. Even if she is not falling for his words, the mere fact that she is replying to his constant messages or chats mean that she is also encouraging his ulterior motives.

    Platonic friendship isn’t like that. Both are just friends. There is no emotional or ulterior motives in those kind of relationships.

    Here they are just walking on egg shells. Better to realise this one. I think she is the one who has to come out of it as the stakes here are high for her because of her family and kids.

    Whether she later lands in trouble is for her to think about and I would suggest you just refrain from saying so. She is a mature adult and mother of kids and she has to know what emotional dependence means. She should think whether she would be happy if her husband used the same loneliness as a reason to engage in virtual friendship without her knowledge. Most women will never accept it. So she has to think from all aspects before prolonging such relationships.

    It’s high time she turns her mind on other things which can help in tidying away the loneliness.
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2018
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This is actually an interesting question...
    Not related to this case, but in general we do find real life or virtual friends from opposite sex after marriage.
    And the relationship grows to have some strong bond emotionally, to a level where one can depend on the other in times of need.
    There are very close friendship among colleagues who share most of their time in a day together at work; hence have better understanding and common wavelength
    As we grow old, we too grow mature to better understand the companionship by leaving lust and physical attraction aside.
    Such bond can eventually form as family friendship where both the families get together and enjoy this new level of relationship.
    However, if one partner is possessive or not viewing the scene from the same lens, then it is tricky.
    But just because the spouse has smaller heart or a narrow mind, does that mean a man or woman should limit their life within their marriage alone?
    I know this is a tricky area, and if it is mistaken by the family, this issue can break the marriage too.
    But when this such relationships could be handled in a such a way, that the man or woman in concern could maintain their boundaries and have control over hormones, then what is the big deal?
    As long as they could keep it within their setup (professional, virtual or whatever) and do not drag it to their family life, then what is the issue?

    While accepting fully that this colleague of mine needs better control over her emotions toward this guy (which she says yes), and to be able to maintain that fine line and more importantly not to disturb her marriage down the line, I have different opinion about this morality advises.

    This woman, or even her husband back in the home country can very well have companions outside of their marriage and enjoy their life within limitations.
    Just that they need to have control over their own emotions, and be open with their spouses. JMO

    As long as these relationship don't cross the line, I don't think it is a sin.

    Just because a woman or a man is married, doesn't mean his world needs to be packed within 4 walls of his bedroom with his spouse alone. The world has so much to offer, and there are better relationships outside like brother, sister, friend etc...

    There was another thread about friends who help you in need etc..etc...
    and in my case it is my childhood friend whom I count on everything. He is a guy, and our gender doesn't matter at all.
     
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  7. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    Nothing wrong in maintaining friendship at a platonic level.....If this kills her loneliness, her stress and makes her feel good health wise, its all fine.....Life is too short to be so strict with oneself.....One should do what makes one feel good .....but she should not keep her brains aside and be totally into this guy......Setting boundary and limitation is important.....Rest all fine.....
     
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  8. Rakhii

    Rakhii Finest Post Winner

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    @SGBV
    I haven’t read the responses but here is my take. Most of us have developed crushes on the opposite sex at some point or the other. (I currently have one actually, head-over heels; he has no idea and he never will). Having said this, it depends on one’s tolerance level what she/he considers a sinful digression. Do we act on it? No. Do we let the other person know what you feel for them? No. Don’t we love our husband’s? To bits and pieces. As long as you don’t act on it, whom is it hurting? That’s my take. (Some may wonder, if I would like it if my husband has a crush...good point. I guess thats why he doesnt tell me about it. I dont believe it for 1 sec that he never had a crush after marriage. My ignorance is my bliss; his ignorance, his bliss. Dont act on it. dont tell)

    More often than not, it’s best to avoid a close alone-time with the person for the reason that you/he may slip. Don’t give that possibility a try (you will regret it. Even if its happening in Vegas or in an unknown country where there is no possibility of the other spouse to know).

    You have that crush, it will eventually go away. Haven’t we seen this over and over again?

    Ask your friend to stop being guilty about making friendships. He may actually end up being her very best friend. There obviously are feelings involved, don’t confess them to him. Once we talk to a man, culturally, we find that awkward. If this were a female, would she feel awkward? No.

    Since she has feelings on him, she is feeling awkwardness. Let her have this feeling, no one needs to know. This WILL go away. Not today or tomorrow but it WILL go away. Acknowledge the feeling to yourself; don’t need to hide it. Also acknowledge that it will go away.

    I am sorry if this is sin in some books. This is my take.
     
  9. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes no need to be packed within 4 walls with spouse. Not at all. Even I don't say like that. But we don't have much capability to differentiate who is good and brotherly and who is opportunist, and also we don't prioritize such outside relationship because we will be busy with our family and husband. When I feel lonely I talk with my friend and she used to share with me a lot and also I do. Here, where is the question of frequent pinging? What is the need? After our vent, we will go back to our work. This may lighten my mind. World is there welcoming us where we need to be careful in crossing people around especially women with men. That is the jist of these advices I believe. We should not fail in our presumptions. May be my advice feels like an age old remedy but all I can say is please be careful and it is better to avoid.
     
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rakhii

    You echoed my thoughts.
    I didn't know how to convey them in such a beautiful way as you did above.
    You made my life easier.. I just gonna repeat what you have said here. It makes loads of sense.
    Thanks a lot.
     
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