motherinlaw and sisterinlaw breaking my marriage

As you have told in your post that your MIL and SILs have ruined all your relations with them and some other relatives too then i would suggest you to stop talking to them.you are not there to bear their illtalks.if they call and abuse you then just be firm and answer them not to call as you have had enough & you dson't call.
your sils are there back in india ask them to take care of their mother as they are too close to their mother and as children its also their responsibility also.There is no use of justifying yourselves to one who already take you as wrong, and the one who think that you are right they don't need nay justification.Talk to your parents just nice things not all this it will make you feel nice.and ask them too to not entertain their calls, as one of the poster said ask them to say that its your family matter so please don't drag us into it.
now as you told that you are educated why don't you try to get some job.that way you will be occupied, earn some, socialise, keep your mind off of these nasty thoughts and can tell your inlaws that you are also earning and can't come to india.save your salary fr your kid.
just stop whatever ways you have been following for dealing with mil &sils for 7 years as for sure they have not worked so go just for the opposite ones or new ones.

 

Hi Sadlady,

Obviously I am presuming that all the other responses are from ladies (afterall this is a forum for ladies!).

I am grateful to Indusladies because it made it quite clear how unhappy my wife was; and therefore this message for what's that worth. My wife had echoed similar issues and the similar responses were posted by fellow ladies here. We are heading towards separation and possibly divorce; and hence this message to give you (and possibly others) to ponder upon.

First of all, may I ask all the other posters to keep the replies directed to original post and please do not bully me just because I have another (different) point to make.

Coming to your post, Sadlady, as I understand you and your husband live abroad on your own (nuclear family with one child) and your husband's family is based in India (presumption).

You are concerned that your husband's family will convince him to divorce you; probably my wife would be thinking now that her in-laws were successful in separating us. Most husbands (except few bad ones like me) would accept some degree of disagreements wife has with her in-laws. As far as husbands living and working overseas in nuclear family (like yours) are concerned, they want mental peace and sanity; and their wives to PRETEND (not necessarily to be real) to be good wives when they visit India. All we want as husbands is to keep two ears open for few minutes a week when they talk to in-laws; and have ability to get over the conversation rather than keep on remembering same things like 'she said that' 'she will do that' etc. etc. Husbands go onto separation/divorce because of breach of their mental peace rather than the pressure from his family.

NO MATTER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY - YOUR IN-LAWS WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CONVINCE YOUR HUSBAND TO DIVORCE YOU UNLESS YOU BEHAVE BADLY WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND DESTROY HIS MENTAL PEACE.

Only way you can make your husband do want YOU want him to do - is by giving him Mental peace and sanity in the house.

Issue with regards to Money - Obviously what we have here is unsubstantiated statements from you; but consider following:
- Is your husband the sole earner in the nuclear family of yours?
- Is your husband prevent you from buying/spending on you or your child at the cost of sending/spending on your in-laws?
- Is your husband regularly sending/spending on your in-laws? If so, what is the percentage in compared to his total income availabe to you both - eg. if total income of household is $100000, and he sends/spends $10000 a year then its 10% of the total income.
- For the money sent/spent onto in-laws, does he get anything ie is he buying a property in India? Is he sole child then the property eventually will be his anyway.

I got to go now; and hopefully I will reply if you have any other thoughts

 

Sadlady, I totally agree to the above... now you have to decide how long can you lie down and take everything coming your way to preserve your husband's mental peace on cost of yours..... You definitely cant bring mental peace in a house where your own peace and self respect is being ruined by deep politics, hurtful words and mind games.

PPl around you play catalyst in increase or decrease of marital mental peace... if you react in the manner they want they achieve what they want... finally in a terrorist attack the judgement is passed against the person who ignited the bomb and the mastermind/ catalyst goes at large.

I've survived this phase so I can tell you... for a good period of time you have to leave your husband the way he's and find happiness in something else.. he shall follow soon.. .the way sorrow pulls you so does happiness.

 

Welcome to IL sir. I am not trying to cross post or cross analyse here..but am glad you chose to post your views here as it always helps to understand male perspective....

Yes we (atleast me) do agree totally about the mental peace part.Having said that, jsut a small request from my end, if a husband could tell his wife the same thing, instead of keeping quiet and testing his wife to see how she handles her inlaws and copes up with it, that marriage would be a great success. I mean dont bad mouth parents but just say atleast not to mind what her inlaws are saying, just let it go and what matters is you and her..these words mean a lot to lot of wives. I personally think, women want some kind of affirmation that they are not being judged by their husband and they dont care if inlaws are judging them . so if husband could openly give her that affirmation that, what my parents think is not going to affect our relationship, because I know who you are and what you are, that would bring in a great change in teh way wife handles inlaws. many a times men just silently see all this and dont even say those affirmative words thats what makes the wife more tensed and upset wondering/thinking/obsessing over what her husband may/may not beleive about the inlaws words or comments. open communication always helps. just 2 words of affirmation will help hte marriage a great deal. just my thoughts.


Adding:

Gentlemen..I do not know what your personal situation is...but your post made me wonder, infact I was thinking all evening ...isnt mental peace & Privacy important and necessary for a woman also? infact for every human being mental peace and privacy are important (not just the right of a husband)..I agree in OPs situation, she has to ignore many things as her husband is on her side..However over all at somepoint isnt it necessary for the husband also to provide some peace for his wife? by consoling her or by telling his parents to backoff once in a while(doesnt matter if they get the point or not..)

Is this that mental peace is needed only by men..but not by women?? (thats the reason why many women come to such anonymous forums to vent out, because they cant talk/complain or vent infront of husband..her life partner because he thinks she is there to destroy his mental peace and eventually the emotions stir up and makes the marriage end up in rocks. isnt marriage for companionship both good and bad and also how can a husband/wife be peaceful when their partner in life is not happy I never get this point. (I am not referring to nagging wifes or husbands who always have one or the other issue to complain about...but if someone is constantly worried about one issue why not fix that issue instead of throwing it under the carpet for ones personal mental peace.


Anyways...am not judging anyones opinion...just explaining my thoughts.

 

Somehow I felt compelled to reply...

For some women (including my wife) such words of affirmation do not mean anything. Despite being repeatedly being informed that what matters is US and if she does not bring the matters in OUR relationship then matters are outside OUR relationship, despite multiple attempts at doing this affirmation thing, my wife never understood. All I wanted was a happy wife so that I am happy as well and trust me thats what my parents and family would have wanted - thats what most parents want for their children. Though wives think that the husbands' parents are out there to get their son back it is not always the case, certainly much less in cases where son is working abroad; the reason i say that is because most parents realise deep in their hearts the distance working abroad will create for them.

Unfortunately some Indian women (wives) seem to always think that their in-laws have to be bad; and they should make and prove their point to their husbands. Why should they need to prove and make the point? You are living so far abroad on your own - there is no daily interference from in-laws as it is in India, you two husband wife can go to movie, dinner, city break, etc etc without requiring to seek anybody's permission; despite that, conditioned with thoughts about bad in-laws, these NRI indian wives want to make their own and their husband's life miserable by remembering, regurgitating and repeatedly fighting over something which is hearsay. Sometimes I think that these women need a serious education on what is verbal abuse and what is a difference in opinion. Just because someone starts feeling that the other person's voice/speech/contents of speech was hurtful for her does not mean that the other person is verbally abusing her. If Husband is imposing contraints on freedom then wife can have point to make; but most NRI husbands are modern in their thoughts owing to their education, their work in the western environment, etc.

Finally keeping in context to OP, I think keeping your husband and child happy should be your prime concern. Please do not go into habit of discussing about your in-laws to your husband - it will only make matters worse. Let your husband make his own mind on the basis of your behaviour. Also, remember, your child is also a grandchild your in-laws and for the sake of your child's development, please do not attempt to keep your child away from any contacts with your in-laws. Children learn indian family values ie. mingling with uncles, aunties, grandparents by coming in contact with them. Differences between adults should not extend to children. I now know how much problems my mum had with her in-laws but we, as children, never knew any of it in our childhood and had really good times with our cousins and uncles -aunties, etc. That's how it should be, I think. If wife starts holding grudges against in-laws and extends those to children, it will generate the similar nuclear values in the children leading to similar problems when they get old.

Time to go sleep now for me. Its a shame that I could not save my marriage but hopefully some other people might be able to save theirs.

 

Why should a DW feel insecure thats the million dollar question, why does she feel that DH will be influenced by PILs/SILs/ex GFs etc and leave her holding the baby??
Men have to be more vocal and reassure the DW about their love. Providing food, shelter , clothes and fulfilling the basic needs is not enough. If this was the case then what is the need of marriage, one can earn and enjoy a free life.
Marriage means giving emotional support to each other . A threat of eviction and divorce hanging over her head like a sword is sure to give anyone sleepless nights. Its more cruel for a SAHM who will it tough to find her bearings in case of a divorce.
A W is not a baby machine just there to run the household, listen and obey.She also needs mental peace , she cannot be robotic and switch off and on at will.
If some men feel that providing food and shelter to their W is enough then they are in for a rude awakening. This type of reasoning can be fatal for any marriage.

 

Sad part is many men think this way....that DILs are out there to always create friction int eh family and to judge inlaws.

As per me, abuse is anything that is disrespect to the other person. calling names/using bad language/provocative insults/namecalling her parents and her brought up and when a woman responds back to the insults and doesnt put up with it, she is called as a rebel/short tempered/disrespectful.

Most scary part is when MILs /SILs use explicit language (local slaang gaali) for the DIL..I just dont know how do people address such things. How can a DIL respect her MIL when MIL uses such nasty words about the DIL.

A BIG correction to one thing...These days NOT ALL DILs think their inlaws will be bad...yes gone are those old days where women are made to slog in the kitchen to ensure when the girls get married they cook , clean know the chores to impress husband n inlaws. not anymore...these days women are also equally educated as men and they understand the regular friction n diff. opinions that may arise after marriage...many think the distance is the barrier and living abroad will reduce most of this friction.


Anyways...there are some people who have gone through crap ...both men and women...there are really some inlaws who have given crap to their DILs and SNILs...yes they all are real people...and for their respective sons/ daughters these parents are gods and the spouses are the non adjusting kind. cant help it.

Finally....We all know what we are...whether we are saying truth to outside world or not, our intuition and our gut feeling and our conscience tells us whether we really are right in what we did/said. no one can run away or ignore their conscience. We know whether we are working on making/keeping the relationship alive or breaking it.

 

This is so well put! OP's case is an outstanding example for this phenomena. As soon as I read OP's thread I could identify what's happening here ( 'sadlady' living in the UK going crazy becoz of in-laws living few 1000 miles away).
IMHO, some women are excellent at ranting, and have no clue how can they make best of the life given to them.
They get into a habit of nagging their husband about his parents, and this keeps going on. My hunch is that they do derive some satisfaction by doing these; while the husband is sandwiched and hammered. If one loves her husband genuinely, there's no logic in making him through go through same drama everyday. Will such women be happy if the husband 'divorces' his parents or writes them off and produces a document saying he is an orphan or something? In an unrelated thread I saw a woman accusing her mil of 'stealing' from her son (well she means the mil asked money of her son ). I really don't know if this woman in reality uses this word on the mil in person. (by calling her thief), but that's just an instance I could now think of.

 

I find this quite interesting. I agree pretending/faking works big time especially for people who don't have to live with their ILs but only have to visit them from time to time. However, not all women have the capacity or capability of faking. I am wondering if a matrimonial ad for a bride should include this quality - looking for a bride tall, fair, educated, should be able to pretend/fake when needed etc.

 

This exactly what I had been thinking all along - why is SHE on and on about someone who is not here. Enjoy the present.

Problem is - even if you would cut ties with your family this subgroup of Women are unlikely to be happy in life, they suffer with something like Biological Unhappiness; and most of them will have undiagnosed issues with perceptions in life which are distorted owing to childhood and parental experiences. For example, a child who has experienced dysfunctional dance (recurrent fights over in-laws) between parents at young age has distorted perceptions about how life with in-laws would be and is then looking to become unhappy after every small thing about in-laws. Its a problem of coming to terms with what their unaddressed thoughts are. Apparently some of these women do get better with age but experience repeated relationship issues early on.

Unfortunately, as a man, I would struggle to undertand the female brain but it is extremely difficult to cope with someone when they want to remember a conversation they had 10 months ago and spoil the hard earned holiday/break you have from stressful western lives.

Coming back to our OP, Please try to have ability to do some introspection into your own contribution to the relationship issues you TWO will have because of your constant perception about your in-laws. Your HUSBAND, as he is employed abroad, I presume is educated and will have ability to make his own mind.

If things will get really bad and you land up separating from him, please consider this - HE DID NOT LEAVE YOU BECAUSE OF PROVOCATION FROM HIS MOTHER/SISTER BUT HE LEFT YOU BECAUSE YOU FAILED TO KEEP THIRD PARTIES (I.E. IN-LAWS) OUTSIDE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Recurrent nagging from wives is more damaging to the couple relationship than the provocation/interference/complaints from mother/sister. Husbands are not stupid but unfortunately women only see things as Black (Bad) and White (Good); they do not realise that eventhough MIL or SIL may be very bad in their opinion, they are the ones who would come to help/rescue when the needs arise (eg. childcare, illness, etc.). Just maintain a civilised way of conversation and if you don't like them, keep the conversations to minimum, any criticisms - keep both ears open, don't argue but do what you like, and most importantly, be happy and express your happiness to your husband.

Hope this helps, sleeping time again.