Mother-in-law

Anandchitra · Nov 12, 2007

This relationship has a universal feel across women of all color, nations and race. Most married women will inevitably remember this relationship and there are women who are this person related to others. This relationship can only occur through a marraige. That brings us to the thought that marraige is between two families and not between two individuals. There is ofcourse a lot of responsiblity for this person. Any which way they act they are under a microscope of observation. Most often the first impressions are formed long before the person is even met. And again the impression formed is stuck to the mind and the motherinlaw has to work overtime if needed to remove speculation.It is more intense among women than with men. When a man starts his association with his new motherinlaw he tends to view her as his mother and hopes for smooth sailing. If that does not work he then accepts things at face value and remains polite. But not so easy for women. They for the most part start with dread and then build on it. Every look, thought and feeling from motherinlaw only helps accumulate the buildup. But again its not always the case. There are the women who have mother-in-law's as friends or even some one they are truly fond of. Any which way I think these women should be viewed as the woman who gave birth to the man we are wedded to and whom we willingly share our life our love and our hearts with. As my mother-in-law is no more I know at heart I made my peace while she was alive. I am doing so with my mother too. I feel its very important to make peace with life and the living. Once they are no longer in our midst I only entertain the good thoughts (about my mother-in-law) and nothing else. After all she has given me the best gift of all in my entire life, her son, whom I am content to walk beside this life and more.

Chitvish · Nov 12, 2007

Just like it is said “ the way to a man’s heart is through his mouth”, I would say “ the way to a MIL’s heart is through your smartness in the initial days of married life”. However much you feel strongly, try to avoid rubbing her on the wrong side, because only then you will be the ultimate winner. The “mama’s Boy” image which was looking like a monster glaring at you initially will no more matter to you, but look like a speck of dust – just the “iru kotukal thathuvam”.

So, call it, our selfish ulterior motive, it is worth, leaving aside all prejudices( however strong) against your MIL, make friends with her for his as well as your own sake. You are the beneficiary !! What cannot be prevented has to be tackled, without anybody getting hurt in the process.

I personally think, winning over the Mil, is a sure winning strategy rather than antagonizing her at the outset. By “winning over”:, I definitely do not mean “ chamchafying” her. Unless what she says is very unreasonable, there is nothing wrong in toeing her line. Once she is convinced about you, your case is half won. Then when she is more confident with you, she will realise that you are no more a rival, but develop closer ties with you.
So much for our role as a DIL.
As a MIL, I can write a separate post itself, provided my DIL grants me permission !
Love
To
Chitra
From
Chithra.

rajmiarun · Nov 12, 2007

Dear AC,
I agree with you to the core that the media and books have created an image about MILs in the minds of younger generation. They go to their husband's house only with that image and only with that thought that the MILs are devils. But the truth is absolutely different. They were also DILs once and most MILs (there are exceptions also which is seen in IL itself) want their sons to lead a peaceful life.

Rubbing them on the wrong side always happen only when you claim her son to be your husband. Instead if the DILs always refer their husbands as your son, they love it and are always thankful that their DILs have not come to snatch away her son from her.

My mom advised me one simple thing, always address your inlaws as namma appa and amma and us as Perungalathur(where my parents live) amma appa. Also tell your inlaws that your son said so, and pls ask your son to do this when you are in their presence. This gave me lots of good opinions in the eyes of both the inlaws. I make it a point to tell to my BILs and SILs your brother even after 10 years of marriage.

By her love and affection, she have always made us DILs especially me toe behind her. I try to follow the family traditions to the maximum best extent just because of her. Infact I had no trouble in moving with her, but had problems initially to get the love and affection of my husband. She was full support for me and have always taken sides with me and not with husband whenever we had small fights or misunderstandings. She stood by me when people started asking me about not conceiving for 3 years after marriage. She used to say, they are just kids, let them enjoy life. They need to learn a lot in life to take responsibilities.

Such was my MIL and hats off to her. She is such a great woman and I have learnt that I should be like her and my mother when I become a MIL myself.

My mother is also a great MIL and I could agree to the core not just she is my mother. From the mouths of my SIL, I have known that my parents are also great inlaws.

PushpavalliSrinivasan · Nov 12, 2007

I had started a thread some time before that " Mils also subject to peer pressure." Basically most of the mils are of very good natured. I do agree that there are exceptions. As there is a saying in Tamil, " IraNtu kaiyum thattinal than osai patum" dils should ignore false accusations. Then automatically this will stop. As Rajmi had said, we always use the word " unga pillai" sonnar. We also call our in laws as amma, appa. Even my dils also call us amma, appa only. My sons also call their in laws as amma, appa. This way we are all maintaining a very good relationship.
But I feel sorry to say that nowadays the trend is fast changing. I noticed that one child norm must be the reason for this. Too much pampering of girl child has changed the senario. " En purushan than enakku mattum than" enra change of mentality is spreading fast. There might be few exceptions. But more are or less parents are also responsible for this.

Vandhana · Nov 12, 2007

Dear AC,

Nice write up about MILs. I have a wonderful MIL, and then SIL are more Sisters and friends to me than anything. Agree with you that the bad name ( impressions) about MIL is created in large part due to all these tear jerking Soaps on TV. Have you noticed, not even in one soap the MIL is portrayed as a good, fun loving one!! Bah......
But i agree with CV, that one should be a a little smart to work ourselves into our MIL's Heart.

Anandchitra · Nov 12, 2007

Dear Rajmi
Its always a pleasure to read what you write Its based on experience and trust and values that you have created. Credit also goes to upbringing and you are proof of that.

Anandchitra · Nov 13, 2007

Dear Pushpavalli
You are right on with the changing times and parents bringing up their girls. But in that case the more mature and experienced motherinlaw can ease things up too.

Anandchitra · Nov 13, 2007

Vandhana
You are lucky to have such good people and from your posts I know that they are lucky to have you too. Love your thanksgiving avatar!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anandchitra · Nov 13, 2007

Dear Chithra
Your post will carry significance because you have been in both dual roles.Though its easy to say the winning strategy its practically difficult. There are 2 distinct persons involved with 2 distinct personalties.Maybe the motherinlaw should adopt part of the winning strategy and put her best foot forward or best hand forward as the case maybe. This might ease things along smoothly. I am planning to do so and hopefully will do so too. Thanks for the perspective.

corallux · Nov 16, 2007

I envy those ladies who have a MIL-Mine passed away just before out wedding & guess what the whole society became my MIL.So much so even teh next dorr gossip wanted to know why I go out every evening with my hubby..

Ladies & gents it is my opinion if you have a MIL, life is easy.She teaches you the traditions of the house & you keep her happy, she is your friend, well wisher, protectoress & guide.