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Mother-in-law,anagram Of Woman -hitler

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by jayasala42, Mar 22, 2019.

  1. jayasala42

    jayasala42 Finest Post Winner

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    Mother-in-law--Woman Hitler?


    In Indian society ,the mother of a boy is being awarded a ‘life time achievement

    Award’ and a grand title” MOTHER-IN_LAW”,an anagram of ‘WOMAN

    HITLER’,a personification of torture.This award comes to one and all without

    craving for it.In Indian society MIL refers only to the mother of a bridegroom.It is strange how a woman who is elevated to the status of

    Goddess on the birth of a baby is degraded to this aweful position soon after an auspicious event of her son’s wedding.This is a universal phenomenon, conspicuous in India.


    While there are feuds between many relatives in the family,MIL/DIL conflict

    alone is magnified. There is no talk about MIL/Son-in-law or FIL/DIL feuds.

    It is altogether a different subject whether the conflict is due to fear of

    parting with possession as described by psychologists or a mental denial to

    hand over power,like that of politicians, referred to by sociologists.

    In fact ailments affecting MIL are too many.


    The topmost is the DIL syndrome


    In 1930s when education was the remotest achievement for women,

    the conflict between MIL and DIL was limited to the household

    chores.In an essentially male dominant society,the boy’s mother reigned

    supreme and held sway over the entire house.The new beautiful virus

    namely,the DIL created a disorder called DIL Syndrome permeating

    every nerve of MIL.As the demon Hiranyaka Shipu always thought about

    Sri Hari,the MIL could not help thinking about her DIL and casting

    blasphemy on her for ever.

    After 1950,when educated girls became DIL,the conflict deepened and

    both the’ in-laws’ were in their best ‘form’ ready to react instantly.


    2)Envy Syndrome


    There was a turning point to this drama after 1960,when women started

    getting employed.MIL who had since been bosses,seemed to be losing

    groundsThey were assigned the role of cooks and baby sitters and were

    soon afflicted by ‘NV Syndrome’ caused by envy towards their

    intelligent,employed DIL.

    Accusations against MIL regarding their blindfold orthodoxy gained

    momentum and became a hot topic of lunch hour discussions.


    3)”108” Syndrome

    --------------------

    The all supreme MIL was just thrown from pillar to post and she had to

    be just like an’ ambulance’ ready to help her sons and daughters at needy

    hours.With age advancing and other ailments approaching fast,she was

    subject to untold sufferings and tension.


    4)JOS Syndrome( Joint Opeation Syndrome)

    In late 1990s both DIL and MIL were working leaving the grand children

    at the mercy of home maids, as a result of which joyous children were

    affected by JOS syndrome




    5) US Syndrome

    Sooner the DIL were entitled to receive the glorious award.With one or

    two children staying abroad,these modern MIL had to shunt between USA

    and India taking a dual role of baby sitters in US and custodian of their

    NRI funds in India.Jet lag & struggling with biological clock became

    a few among the various symptoms of the disorder.


    6)S.C.Syndrome( Single Child Syndrome)

    Single child norm ,which was considered a blessing earlier,has turned

    out to be a curse to both the ‘ in-laws’.While the Mothers -in-law have nowhere else

    to go to express their feelings, the daughters-in-law feel that they are never free from bondage.


    7)S.in.S Syndrome( Suffer in Silence syndrome)



    This is the most severe disorder faced by almost all the modern MIL.They

    have taken a challenge to prove themselves as sweet,soft ‘ideal MIL’of

    the highest order.But alas! They are in great distress.

    In good old days the MIL who had to face some transgression of traditional

    values or some minor indisciplined behaviour from their DIL could

    express their grievance aloud and ventilate their feelings.

    But the plight of the present generation MIL is really pitiable.They suffer

    in silence tolerating the occasional nonvegetarian food at home for which

    they have total aversion,heaps and heaps of laundry to be cleaned once

    a week/ten days ,haphazard office schedules,untimely meals,some strange
    behaviour of grandchildren, which they are not used to,begging for ‘lift’ obligation for occasional shopping,struggling to come out of the entangled web of the computer

    ( and of the family too),hiding their physical ailments for fear of huge

    medical bills,frequent tensed murmur from their highly

    professional DIL and sometimes facing the unpleasant,unfortunate

    situation of divorce in the family.The conditions may not differ much

    in other countries as well.

    Now who will say that MIL are the gifted ones?


    As maturity dawns,the past life as an obedient DIL facing harsh arrows

    from her MIL seems to be a heaven compared to the present wretched

    life in a golden cage.


    It has to be realized that high education and enviable financial status

    cannot solve such conflicts.The only relief to all the syndromes is

    found in the capsule’C in A’-Change in Attitude-which can be achieved

    only through constant practice with determination.

    Dear DIL,your Mothers –in-law are longing for love,and nothing else

    from you. Give her as much love as you can.You will also receive the title'mother-in-law'soon.

    Recent snippets reg married life, adjustments ,harassments leading to the inevitable etc persuaded me to share my views.

    Jayasala 42
     
    Amica, periamma, Anusha2917 and 4 others like this.
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  2. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    :hello:I thoroughly enjoyed reading your views all across last six seven decades covering geographies. The undercurrent is love love love at all costs at all times shower love for which not only DH but all MILs the world over long. @adisum s of the world should hear this.
    Kudos to crisp analysis, incisive - sprinkled with humour!

    Regards.
     
  3. jayasala42

    jayasala42 Finest Post Winner

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    Thank you Thyagarajan Sir for the nice response.Having been born and brought up and married into a joint family in village set up, I am able to capture the inner glimpse of many MILs and DIL s.

    cases as that of@adisum are very rare now a days.Actually the real situation among many communities is it is very difficult to find girls. .Many boys are much nervous to get married.Even before the thought of marriage arises,they are worried about probable separation and commitments arising out therefrom.Judiciary is with women.
    jayasala 42
     
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  4. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    yea but it is a two way street, Dils also crave "love love love" but get nothing but "NV NV NV" it's like "oh i suffered at the hands of my mil, so should she!" My DEAR MIL is definitely of that category.
     
  5. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    :hello:It is therefore axiomatic that today’s DILs are tomorrow’s MILs!!??
    Regards.
     
  6. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    :hello:Person swam through hurdles obstacles, handle situations crisis first hand can only capture with emotional quotient in a riveting manner. You are one such and I bow my head in reverence.
    Regards.

    God B.
     
  7. jayasala42

    jayasala42 Finest Post Winner

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    It is high time that this 'tit for tat' is put an end to.
    Jayasala 42
     
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  8. Saiabimom

    Saiabimom New IL'ite

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    Good relationship between mother in law and daughter in law is a two way street. Hope both of them accept each other and move on for the sake of the family peace .Empathising each other, having common general topics to talk about either in person or phone , little affection for each other can work wonders.
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2019
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  9. jayasala42

    jayasala42 Finest Post Winner

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    You are right madam.In these days, except for the initial welcome and stay DIL do not stay for long with MIL.Immediately thereafter they leave with their husbands to the place of official job , in India or US. It is 'a 'hello hello' relationship.Either MIL or DIL need not create a hell out of any topic of discussion within that short period of time.
    jayasala 42
     
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  10. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    MIL-DIL dynamics are as varied as there are women in the world. If I may hazard a generalization, specifically in the Indian context, it is that most MILs fail to utilize the opportunity to establish a loving, respectful relationship at the onset of relations. During and following the wedding ceremony the DIL is emotionally vulnerable and anxious. Even if it is only for a few days or weeks she is transported to a new home, with new people and customs, where she is constantly under observation like a goldfish in a bowl. If, at this time, she is welcomed with love and compassion, and made to feel comfortable, it sets a positive tone for the rest of the relationship. But most in-laws intoxicated by the heady ego of being the boy's parents, waste this opportunity by trying to establish hierarchies and rules and expectations, parading her in front of myriad relatives, and worst of all, critiquing the wedding ceremony and airing random grievances about food and arrangements. This puts the girl on the defensive. As the years pass, children arrive and age creeps up, the MILs begin to soften and the DIL is expected to forgive and forget. Is it fair? At her most vulnerable moment she was denied the affection she craved, but she is expected to reciprocate the moment mother-in-law shows the slightest need?

    This is not a random musing. This is precisely how I was treated in my husband's home. I was new to the culture, language, food, but my in laws spent the five days I was with them after marriage complaining about the wedding, the gifts, my parents, my siblings, my culture, you name it. I was made to open up my suitcases and display every item my parents had given me and listen to the commentary and criticism. I had to wake up at 5am and present myself dressed in a saree to my MIL by 6am. The first morning I didn't wake up to the alarm and my MIL banged the door down until I opened it. This was at 6am. Then she told everyone who came home that day including the neighbors and the maids and the neighbors' maids, that I had slept until 6 and she had to bang on the door to wake me up. It was a much discussed faux pas! The fact that I had to stay up for a goddess puja until 1 am the previous night was not mentioned at all. I had to sit through hours and hours of religious ceremonies where no one spoke to me, or tried to explain anything to me. I couldn't speak the language and people would turn their faces and walk away instead of making an effort. I was very young and felt like a deer in headlights, lost and paralyzed by fear, terrified of making a mistake. Those five days were like five eternities for me. I cried more in those five days than I have in the 15 years since. Despite that I have treated them with utmost respect and care. After spending time with me and with age they have mellowed. I am now the beloved DIL; whatever I say goes. I care for them, I make sure their every need is provided for, I show them unflinching respect, and I have put their wishes above mine every single time. I will always be there for them but I don't know if I can truly love them like my own parents. That opportunity passed.

    In contrast my brother also married a girl from a different part of the country. My SIL was in the exact same situation as I was when she came to our home after marriage. The second day she wore a saree and came out to greet everyone. My mother told her there was no need for formality, and she could wear whatever she wore at home with her parents. On day 2 she was wearing a hoodie and track pants, and playing badminton with the rest of us. She has a warm relationship with my parents because she was welcomed like a family member from the first day.

    My MIL was not Hitler but she didn't act like a mother either when I needed it most. She is a good woman and I have come to appreciate many of her wonderful qualities. I enjoy her company now and there is warmth and even affection between us, but the missteps of those early days led to many wasted years. If MILs want their DILs to love them, they need to dispense with their egos and open their homes and hearts to the DILs at the start of the marriage. Then the DIL will be there for them when they need her love and care.

    Obviously this is just one perspective but it is true in more cases than it should be.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019

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