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Mother does not want to stay with me

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by rkmichigan, Dec 4, 2011.

  1. rkmichigan

    rkmichigan New IL'ite

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    Hi, I am currently pregnant and baby is due in 2 weeks. My mother came here, to the US, mid-November to be with me. Ever since her marriage to my father, they have always been together, never ever apart. I always felt bad trying to have mother come stay with me leaving him, but he cannot visit me since he still works. I also have a younger sister who is an undergraduate student.
    DH and I were married 3 years and wanted to wait to get a baby since I am busy trying to finish up phD. But F and M always used to call me on the phone and pester us to have kids (we took it in the right spirit because we ourselves didn't want to delay having babies-since it is not good to be post-30 and what not). So, I finally conceived and M promised she would come take care of the baby until I finish. MIL and FIL although never ever 'told us' to have babies, are more than happy to come stay with us and look after the baby (they r retired and have no other obligations).
    Now, my mother reached US on a night and the very next morning I found her crying when I woke up. From the time she came here, she has been unhappy and missing my father. My father also currently looks very tired (no mom's cooking) and is suffering from some sort of limb pains. I know it is selfish of me to expect M to stay without complaining, but come on- we agreed on this. DH and I always take extra measures to make her happy. I come home early (although I am super busy), I take her out all the time (although my tummy feels like it is going to explode)- I enjoy being with her.
    Today we called up my grandmom (dad's mother and my mother's MIL) in India and she said that dad is miserable without mom and that my mom should come asap.
    I got super upset at this and told my M that there are other parents here who come alone and are happy to help out their children and that it was a big mistake to listen to her and deciding to have a baby. I feel terribly angry at her and my father (both maintain the stance that they want to help out). Now she wants me to change her tickets from April to Feb end and she says she will come back again. I understand the obligations she has and my poor sister who is alone with dad etc, but it seems like this is the ONLY time I would need their help and they are unable to give it to me wholeheartedly. My DH NEVER quarrels with me or shouts or upsets me since I have been pregnant coz I tend to get headaches and today mom and I got into a heated argument about this issue and I am feeling so emotionally drained.

    Please let me know what you all think about this...(even if you feel that I am a big selfish person)- I don't want to be that way.
     
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  2. sravanitenali

    sravanitenali IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello Dear.....

    Sry for ur situation.....before gng into other details i just want to let u know that u r NOT SELFISH person.......

    This is the time which we seek our parents help to be max extend...as we will be very new to motherhood,not much know how to handle newborn angel.....its really a criticle time....

    As u said ur mom never ever left ur dad alone.....all of sudden came this much distance all alone ofcourse to help thier own daughter...but the bonding between them is making her to feel more.....

    I would suggest togo with her opinion and change the tickets and make alternative arrangement like inviting ur FIL and MIL whi will lend their help for rest of months as they both will be at one place....

    Dont hurt urself as u are already nearing due date and will be super excited with the new joiner of family....

    Stay cool and relax, then think over the changing of date of ur mother gng back to india....

    All the best for ur motherhood and for ur phd also

    Sravani
     
  3. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Though your mom misses her husband,she cannot go out of US and come back as she pleases.either she got to stay till her i94 date or leave and then never come back for next 6 months.talk to her reg this and if she still feels about going back request your IL's to come in and help you.Good luck.I don't find your expectations selfish and it is quite natural for a daughter to expect from her mom.
     
  4. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    May I suggest one possible approach to your problem? Why don't you make a deal with your mom to talk about the date of the departure two weeks after the baby is born. In this way, you can put this out of your mind in the immediate present and your mom, who might be stressed due to culture shock, sees a possibility of leaving earlier. Then you will know after the delivery how much help you are going to need (in case you have a c-section, etc) and after delivery, I have a feeling, your mom is not going to want to leave the opportunity of being with the new baby. In addition, i doubt she will leave you in the lurch if you have some problems. In the intervening time, you may be able to come up with some other alternative for your baby care that appeals to all involvesd. Remember, whatever you are feeling right now is colored by hormones.
     
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  5. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    I have to say your family is behaving in a very immature manner. your parents put pressure to have a baby and assured you that your mother will help you. So, it is not wrong on your part to expect that she will and it is not you who is being selfish.

    As the above poster suggested, may be you can tell your mother that you can discuss the plans once the baby is born. But at the same time, be prepared to manage the baby without your mother's help, even if it's going to be difficult. If possible, you can send your mother pack and have your ILs to help you instead. But it will work out to be expensive and there might be other problems involved.

    In western societies, parents of newborn manage without full time help, you can learn from them and take inspiration from them.

    Also, you have to talk to rest of the family- sister, father, grandmother etc. that their telling your mother that they are missing her so much is making her very upset, so it will be better if they tell her that they are managing fine. You also have to stop thinking of your sister as a poor little girl. Where I live, undergraduates have to handle studies, jobs (sometimes full time) as well as looking after themselves.
     
  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    rkmichigan,

    Relax and do not get too stressed out .

    I agree with tashi about making a deal. Regarding your mother feeling bad, let us not be judgmental about this situation. she is out for the first time, missing her husband. though we do plan everything, sometimes, we never plan the emotions that come into the equation, same goes for your mom, who would not have thought that being away from husband will be this bad..so give her some leverage.she must already be pulled both ways for wanting to be with you and with her husband.

    alternatively, talk to your Dad. ask him if he can cope without mom. tell him the reasons, why you cannot send her back immediately even if you want to. tell him that you need both their support and blessings. If your dad were to talk to your mom, maybe she will feel better instead of hearing all that is relayed by the mother. obviously the mother/grandmother is going to be pulled in both sides.

    So in the meantime keep other options opened..relax.

    There are times, when you need to blank out everything around you and concentrate on one thing...and this is one situation where you need to concentrate on YOURSELF AND YOUR BABY.

    all the best for your safe delivery.
     
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  7. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    It is not logical to think that you were forced to have baby because of your parents and therefore they need to take responsibility for their action. It is natural to expect married couple to have babies. When to have babies and how to manage pregnancy and post natal care are purely decisions of you DH and you. Perhaps if you were in India, your parents would have helped more. But once you have a baby, your mother may get attracted to your baby forgetting her separation from her husband and your younger sister. Each families situation are different and it is difficult to compare. Take it easy and stop getting mad at your mom. After all she is doing her best to help. You need to have a right frame of mind when you have baby.
     
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  8. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Relax Dear. Don't let these things upset you now. Make your mom talk to your dad quite often. Knowing that he can manage well without her will ease your mom. How old is your sister? Can't she cook or if food is the only problem can't some arrangement like a maid or cook be done? If nothing works out, Go ahead and advance your mom's ticket. There is no point in making her stay, when she doesn't want to.
    Meanwhile start the visa processing and plan your In laws Travel. It would be well and good if they arrive before your mom's return.
     
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  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dont worry your Mom will settle down in a few days time.
    But tell your sis to tell everybody at home to stop cribbing.More than your Dad it appears that your granny is missing your Mom ! All the household responsibility must have fallen on her !
    Dont have any arguements with her . She will not be happy leaving you like this anyway.
    Actually you should have called your PILs who are retired and free to stay with you.
    Your parents have a lot of responsibilities at home and your Mom has a full house to run.
    Maybe they could not to refuse you.

    Let her go after 2 weeks of delivery and call your PILs . You may be more comfortable with your Mom but they will be happier to take care of your little one as they are free. Remember it will their grandchild too.
    PS -You cannot make your parents responsible for your baby, it your responsibility.
    Take care .
     
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  10. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    LOL
    :rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl
     

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