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Mom Ignores Me!!

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by memeera1234, Jul 25, 2017.

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  1. Jul 25, 2017 #1
    memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    I don't know.. but I had been feeling so since childhood that my mom is always partial towards my younger sister. She was born when I was just 3 yrs old..ever since right from sleeping next to my mother, to getting her care..Everywhere she had an edge over me. I used to sleep next to my mom. From the day she was born, I was made to sleep next to my dad and she slept beside mom. I never complained though since I was always always attached to my dad more. Right from this petty thing to everything, I felt overshadowed in my mom's life over my sis. She was always her pet. Her confidante, her first preference over dad and me. I did complain on many occasions but mom never felt as if she was being partial and whenever I printed it out she felt bad and would cry and create a big scene. So although it hurt me a lot, I never really expressed my pain and went with the flow.
    Fast forward, today we both sis are married. Although she got married 6 years after me she is now mother to 2 girls while I had been grappling with this infertility thing past 10 yrs. All through this struggle my DH has been my biggest strength and confidante. Yet I shared all my struggles with my mom too..Right from basic issues to struggling from genital TB, pcods related problems and now IVF thing. She always prayed for me and told me me having a child is her biggest wish remaining in this lifetime. My relàtionship with in-laws had long been hurt due to this infertility thing as they wanted a grandchild within 2 years of marriage and I had been unsuccessful in giving them one.
    Now my pain. when we decided to try IVF, I informed mom to come over to Mumbai since she is now in native. My parents stayed Here in Mumbai but now after dad's retirement shifted base to native. She readily agreed to come over. We had egg retrieval in March. Planned to do the procedure of transfer in June. I informed mom well in advance and she said she's ready to come over. Accordingly, we booked the tickets. From that date, she started crying everyday over phone saying she will miss my sister's kids and they are saying grandma don't go, don't go. She said I can't even think of leaving them. Everyday she used to cry on phone. I felt bad but had no option since doc has suggested bed rest and my DH was alone to take care of me. Coincidentally the procedure got postponed due to docs unavailability and we had to cancel the tickets. To this my mom created a big issue. What all she said still brings tears in my eyes. She said she can't come now since she has my sis and kids to take care of, that I am responsible for my own woes and asked me what I had been doing all these years. I cried bitterly since she knew everything yet asked me these questions. She blamed me solely for everything.
    I felt so hurt that I didn't bother her since. I told my DH who was hurt the most and till date has not forgiven her for that. He has severed all ties with them nor does he speak to them. He is saying only one thing: they left you alone stranded when you needed them the most. That what hurt him the most. Can't blame him either..
    Don't know whether it's the negativity she emitted.. she had a small fracture in her leg and is now confined to home. Now she is saying I was ready to come but couldn't make it due to this health issue. She had been telling all relatives the same.
    I let things go since I love them too dearly but my DH is very hurt. Today I am 2 days post FET and resting and I have only him to take care of me. He is taking utmost care of me and I respect and love him dearly for that.
    But I am hurt..Really hurt. So I am venting here.
     
    memeera1234, Jul 25, 2017
    memeera1234, Jul 25, 2017
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  2. Jul 25, 2017 #2
    sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi you may not like this, but your mom is not responsible for taking care of you, I understand the extra comforts mothers provide, but she told you for months that she does not want to come. It is hard for older people to leave their comforts and live temporarily somewhere else. You could hire maid etc to help with extra work. As well, maybe she was using sis kids as an excuse. I personally wouldn't want someone around who does not want to be there. I feel bad for your DH, now their relations are strained. Congrats on your procedure and wish you lots of luck.
     
    sunshine1970, Jul 25, 2017
    sunshine1970, Jul 25, 2017
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  3. Jul 26, 2017 #3
    Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Parents do tend to have favorites sometimes for reasons they only know. But while your mom has not showered you with extra love and pampering she hasn't mistreated or neglected you and seems to want good things for you. I can understand this must have hurt you very badly but you have to accept that your mom while she loves you , does not want to go out of her comfort zone to come to your help. This is who she is, take it or leave it. There is nothing you can do to change her. Deep down her priorities are set. Focus on your life and your future .Forget and forgive. be the bigger person here.your path is your own. yes you tell your mother everything but she can't ever fully understand your pain because its not hers. her pain is leaving her home and grandkids behind.. that might seem small to you, but for her thats a big thing . I am sure that good things are in store for you, but put this negativity aside for now...
    yes , we all have this notion that mothers are selfless and all, but they are human beings with their own flaws.
     
    Shreema86, Jul 26, 2017
    Shreema86, Jul 26, 2017
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  4. Jul 26, 2017 #4
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    What kind of bed rest is needed after an FET? What has your doctor suggested? Is it like remain lying down in bed as much as possible? Or, you can move around, just don't overdo it? Other than arranging healthy meals for her, what care does the woman need in the days after an FET? Does she need help moving around the house, or with showering and personal grooming?

    Maybe, just maybe, since IVF is now so common in India, your mother has heard or read about the care needed after an FET, and doesn't think she is really so needed at your place, and that the grand-kids need her more? She is not choosing your sister's needs over yours, rather her grand-kids' needs over yours?

    What precautions should I take after the embryo transfer?

    Wishing you the best during the wait and beyond. It is an unfortunately true but not so pleasant fact that after some time infertility struggles become only yours and your DH's, others can start to disconnect themselves from it. Until there is some good news.... Not for all women who deal with infertility, but for some at least. This applies to any of life's struggles or sorrows.. after a while, people move on, only you are still dealing with it.

    Try to cut her some slack. A fracture at your mom's age is not a 'small fracture.' Maybe she is feeling guilty after all, and so is using that as an excuse for not coming to help you.

    What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. All these struggles make you stronger, and teach you that finally one often has only one's spouse to rely on.
     
    Rihana, Jul 26, 2017
    Rihana, Jul 26, 2017
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  5. Jul 26, 2017 #5
    MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I have been through IVF and the doctors here do not encourage bed rest after FET, just 'couch rest' the day of and regular activities with precautions for the next several days. So while it would be nice to have someone around its not necessary. And if your mom came and complained about missing her grandkids the whole time it would not be relaxing for you. Added stress is the last thing you need at this time.
     
    MalStrom, Jul 26, 2017
    MalStrom, Jul 26, 2017
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  6. Jul 26, 2017 #6
    MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I also wanted to add that while people will sympathize with you over infertility struggles they will never get it unless they have been through it personally. And especially if things take a long time it can create awkwardness even in close family relationships. So try not to take it too personally, and be judicious about what you share.
     
    MalStrom, Jul 26, 2017
    MalStrom, Jul 26, 2017
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  7. Jul 26, 2017 #7
    Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    While resting, one ought to have a happy mindset. To get there it is best to look at the half-full cup.

    upload_2017-7-26_7-30-34.png
     
    Nonya, Jul 26, 2017
    Nonya, Jul 26, 2017
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  8. Jul 26, 2017 #8
    sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Meera, take a deep breath and think about it - with a bit of luck, you are going to be a mum. This is now your chance to do everything right for your baby. It's a time to get things right that your mother might have got wrong, even with the best of intentions. Stress is not conducive to conception. Stop obsessing about your mum, try to focus on being the best mum you can be. Look ahead, not back!
    Good Luck!
    :beer-toast1:
     
    sokanasanah, Jul 26, 2017
    sokanasanah, Jul 26, 2017
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  9. Jul 26, 2017 #9
    SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Hugs!
    Girl, why are you so stressed, this is the time for you to be positive and peaceful. So venting time over! And start up on homework.
    Take out a diary, and write down
    - three things you are grateful for.
    - One positive message to someone you know.
    - Write down the most meaningful experience in the last 24 hours.

    And do this every day. E v e r y d a y ! Even on the days life has been hard. Especially on the days life has been hard.

    Remember the only person you can change is yourself, let others be.

    Keeping fingers crossed for you, hang in there.
     
    SunPa, Jul 26, 2017
    SunPa, Jul 26, 2017
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  10. Jul 26, 2017 #10
    Hansa78

    Hansa78 Bronze IL'ite

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    I can totally relate with what you are telling, dear.. as I have also experienced this with my mom till one phase of life. But then I realised that it is only hurting me and I need to get over it and move on. It happens in life that someone we may love might not reciprocate the same way...for few it is parents, spouse or children...
    God has given you a very good life partner and now you are awaiting for your lil one ...Enjoy these precious moments.
    I feel this relation with ur mom since ur childhood has affected u and that cud be the reason that you had health issues. So dont fret over these relations, you can always take external support...Your mom will feel guilty and realise one day. Try to read HEAL YOUR LIFE it will help you get over all these issues.

    AKRITII
     
    Hansa78, Jul 26, 2017
    Hansa78, Jul 26, 2017
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