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Mil's Words Affecting My Dh And My Relationship

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blindpup10, Feb 21, 2020.

  1. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand all the MILS are like this.
    Icant give this up and let it go. I feel she has already taken up lot of my space in my house. I have already given in enough.
     
  2. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Basically I need to nod and politely stand my ground. If i get angry- it will not sit well with my husband or my MIL. Therefore I need to politely stand my ground.

    Are women in our society even allowed to express with anger/ frustration and say the WORD NO without being polite?

    If my mother had ever given the same advice or blackmailed me- how quick his parents and my husband would have turned me into a monster!

    But our society has so many reasons to makse sure women are subdued but reasons of her being elder/ his mother.

    Nonetheless, a human without respect for me doesn't get my respect.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2020
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  3. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

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    [QUOTE="tulipzz, post: 4175953, member: 118880]
    No one has “rights” to visit. It’s a privilege. [/QUOTE]

    @tulipzz
    You are wrong. The dad has equal rights as mom over who can see the kids. It is not a unilateral decision (unless they decide so mutually). Your post implies wife can say and hubby will nod.
     
  4. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

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    Best is if OP is firm (sans drama) with MIL and H to set her boundaries and maintain distance with mil. She cant control visit by Mil to her son or grandchild but maintain some distance to reduce conflicts
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Agree. The privilege should be pulled or significantly curtailed with the reason being made obvious in clear terms.

    If this happened in my house, I would wonder: the MIL Is poisoning the ear of her adult son when DIL is not around. What will stop such a woman from filling a little child's ear with stuff against the DIL or outdated ideas about gender-equality?

    Speaking for myself, I don't mind temporarily adjusting to some outdated ideas when elders are visiting or I am visiting them. Openly enforce a rule that "in our family, only women do the clean-up after meals." For world peace, and because it is only a visit, and for peace in the house, and because my husband understands and appreciates my adjustment, I might go with the flow. Try implementing such practice using emotional blackmail and without having the guts and grace to do in front of me, try to create trouble, misunderstanding between me and my husband, that person's future visits will be fewer, shorter, and above all, my child will not spend time with that person unless I am around (India or U.S.) If the child's father wants equal rights for his mother to spend time with grand-child then the father should first stop such nonsense from his mother.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2020
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Hmmm... if you had brought it up then itself, you run the risk that he will not tell you such things in future.

    I would get back slowly and better late than never. On a lazy Saturday afternoon, after an elaborate lunch, tell husband, "you do the dishes..I am so done standing in the kitchen all morning." Settle down on the sofa with the child.. start a chat with SIL. Yada yada yada..chat chat chat and then tell husband, "Hey smile..." take a picture of husband at the sink and send it to SIL. Continue with the chat chat chat. Chances are the picture will be relayed to India before sunrise.
     
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  7. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Where does my post imply that??? Go back and read properly.

    I said visiting anyone’s home is NOT a right. It’s a privilege. For grand parents, usually that privilege comes Without saying. That doesn’t mean it’s a right! It’s still a privilege and it must be pulled from anyone who tries to create trouble in a happy home.

    Seeing grandkids is a privilege too!! It’s not a right! Grandparents keep the privilege as long as they behave!! If someone treats my husband like this and if I continue to act like nothing happened, let them visit and continue to treat my husband badly (IN HIS OWN HOUSE!!), give them access to my kids etc, it just shows I have no respect for my husband! ITS THE SAME OTHER WAY TOO! It’s funny how things somehow sound acceptable in our “culture” when a woman is on the receiving end!

    The least OPs husband can do is have a proper discussion with his mother and tell her in clear terms this shouldn’t happen again.
     
  8. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    pearls of wisdom !!
     
  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    This. Every time we visit or they visit and MIL does the cooking - it’s mostly non veg and left overs for me and the maid/cook. This is what DH started doing. When mom calls for lunch, take a plate, start serving, ask for the vegetarian food for me, take those left overs and only eat that and walk away. According to DH, the point isn’t if I should cook for myself or if she has the right to feed him. It’s about respecting someone. If he can get coddled at this age then so can I. If that’s not possible then it’s fine. Don’t cook for both of us, we have a cook. She will follow anyone’s instructions. Don’t cook or make the cook prepare only food that he likes or will eat because DIL can eat the left overs. That according to him is disrespectful. It’s always a “we”.

    There was also a big issue where he was making his own morning tea. He started waking up, making my coffee even if the cook was around and showing his mom without telling her that her words and deeds matter.

    I believe @blindpup10 that your husband could have made his actions talk even if he doesn’t use his words. I do think it will take time though. Initial visits, even I wasn’t aware of the underlying issues. I generally don’t read people or situations well and it took a while for both of us to get it.

    I think you’ve already got an upper hand though. She’s doing all of this because she sees that you’ve bonded and might be having issues with it. I’ve also noticed that not giving any attention to such tantrums can help a lot.

    My MIL is so upset when I don’t react to what she says or does. When DH and I are oblivious to the chaos and happily eat and talk to each other like nothing else has happened, it makes her even more upset. She did start saying things to the kid too. Mine is an older teen now but still can get influenced - why do you both not listen to us, why are you only listening to her, you always do only what she says - right after a visit with GM. I thought about cutting the trip but then decided I don’t really care. We deal it with the same way we deal with GM. Don’t give it any attention and still listen to each other. We’ve both come to agree that older children and parents both need boundaries and kids will figure it out themselves when they have spouses. If they don’t, too bad. We tried to set the right example here.
     
  10. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

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    But its his parents we are talking about, and he has rights to decide about his house too! @tulipzz
    If he agrees to DWs point of view, then all good. They can take a JOINT decision to reduce the visits of his parents. No problem then.

    BUT if he is willing to tolerate it(nuisance by his parents), then its not a unilateral decision where the DW can override him. DW ofcourse can distance herself from his parents, that her choice totally.

    What if the DH says that "Yes I dont like it, but I am not going to stop their visits, they are my parents and I cannot stop their visits", will the DW stop it even then? Then what if he stops DWs parents from visiting? You see how it can play out...unless ofcourse hubby has no voice in the house and will meekly accept whatever is told to him because he fears that DW will walk out (some DH wont fear that or bend to that).
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2020
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