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Mil-dil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by periamma, Apr 11, 2018.

  1. periamma

    periamma IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Friends

    I want to share my POV about MIL.A Mil is not a monster but she is also a human being having all emotions if she doesn’t have emotions then she is a Jadam (having life but no activities).Generally speaking all Mils are not Rakshas as commented by a few dils in the forum .Every mother want their children to be happy in their married life .If the children are happy the parents too feel happy. There are some parents who feel unsecure at their old age due to health or financial status.It is the duty of the son to pacify them and give peace of mind.Here no role is for dil and she can be cool for ever.

    The parents motivate the children to study well and get a good profession for a bright future.Then when the children go to foreign countries due to their profession parents feel proud saying my son is in such a such a country and earns a lot and by saying this they think their status is high among the society .At the same time they must be ready to face the after effects of the children settling down there.They never think about the consequences.


    when they fall sick they ask their son to come to India to take care of them and be with them till their end.This is not fair on the part of such parents who intervene in their son’s life. As a parent they must help the children to live a life of their own choice and not to distract them from their style of life..People in abroad enjoy more comforts and it will be very difficult to come out of that comforts suddenly.By giving pressure to children seed of hatred is sown and it grows day by day and finally into a big tree. This is one negative approach of the parents .we have lived for the future of our children and let our children live for their children’s future.


    In one of the post a friend has mentioned that they are buying a new house and going to settle down in US which was not accepted by her Mil.she also added mil is jealous of the dil as she is going to live in a big house.very sad that Mil’s attitude is not good and this shows her immaturity or innocence.she must feel proud of her son buying a house of his own which is his big dream . If time and health persists parents can go to their son,be with them for a short time and enjoy the life.

    My kind request to young dils please don’t curse your mils.she is the one who brought up the son with a happy surrounding and never revealed out her sufferings.you may say this is the duty of a mother and she must do without expectations.yes true expectations bring pain but under certain circumstances they need the love of the children.This is a natural phenomena of relationship which we can’t deny.you are more independent than your mil and with a big heart ignore her mistakes.How long she is going to live in this world?Give her a small happiness till her end.Let the boys tackle their parents and find a solution and you be out of the arena .By doing like this a good relationship is maintained between mil and dil.

    I know many of you are against my views but I wanted to share with you all and I think you can take my views in a right sense.i accept opinions vary from people to people.

    Finally a Mother is to be blamed for not teaching her son about all difficulties in married life .she has experienced problems in her own life and so it is her duty to teach him how to tackle problems.Compromise on both sides make a happy family. Young Mothers you bring up your kids well to have a happy family in future.
     
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  2. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your post is very heartfelt. It seems you will be a good MIL. Whatever points you have written are very relevant, I hope all present and future MIL and DILs read them. Yes, I believe we should deal every case with attitude of fairness, objectivity and compassion, then we will surely know the right thing to do.A mother will have sadness for sure when the child settles in far-off land permanently. We should understand the situation.
    In the post referred to, the case was different as the MIL did many wrong things hence the negative response towards her MIL.
     
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  3. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    Periamma, I understand your argument. Before anything we have to understand the basic human psychology.
    (According to my understanding)
    Age-wise mil is senior, she is the head of her family, mother of the hyped son and after having led a life of subservience under her own in laws, here is her chance to take the power into her hands and enjoy the fruits of her years of struggle and sacrifice.

    Dil is the new generation woman who wants life on her own terms. Most dils are educated n earning. They have already heard about the domineering mil and they enter marriage in a combative mood.

    Thus when mil n dil come in contact power struggle begins, nobody wants to backout. Earlier with joint family system, mil 's position was stronger. Now with globalisation n nuclear family systems her position is weaker. Most of the time she feels redundant n defeated. Since everybody have their own biases, they will understand ONLY what they want to understand. So even when there is no issue, they see issues;).

    Unfortunately the issue is such that there can be no solution. Best is to reduce expectations and stay independent. The famous Indian families are collapsing and only with a sincere change of paradigms that we can save whatever little of families is left.
     
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  4. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Actually I never understood why only mother of a son gets such an exalted status. Don't mothers of daughters too make sacrifices to raise her daughter, educate her etc. ? But the husband's family they never understand the mothers' emotions for her daughter- they put restriction on the DIL to visit her parents home, or for them to visit her home, or for her to take care of her parents. Infact the mothers of sons love to exploit the DIL's mothers by asking gold/dowry/gifts and what not, and still treat her parents as inferior.

    But always DILs are expected to show special consideration and understanding of mother's emotions(possessiveness and financial demands) for her son., in-spite of suffering abuse. MILs get away with abusing DILs because society gives them that privilege.First the society needs to change and bring in gender equality and stop gender discrimination, between groom's parents and bride's parents. In current situation the MIL(son's mother) are on top of the hierarchy with absolute impunity regards abusing their DILs. That is why the DILs generally have the negative response in these threads.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2018
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  5. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    It is a man's world n women are the second class citizens. Jiske paas hukum ka ikka ho, wohi banega/banegi badshah!
     
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  6. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    My first post on joining IL itself, was ' relationships -a MILs perspective" I had almost similar thoughts and felt there was a lot of negativity here - mainly because the concerned were actually facing such negative situations. On the other hand, with changing circumstances of family and bringing up of children, younsters feel the need for independence when it comes to running their lives and are therefore not easily amenable to someone dictating how they should lead their lives. It has therefore become essential for elders to recognise this and back off against too much of interference, control. The children on the other hand also need to realise that just because a parent wants a say in the childrens' lives after marriage too, it does not mean they are trying to just control but looking to inclusion as the family they always were. However, this MIL/DIL saga is time immemorial, and there appears no easy solution.
     
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  7. periamma

    periamma IL Hall of Fame

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    @nakshatra1 Thanks for coming.Some do like that which is not good.If she has suffered with her mil she must treat her dil kindly and be a mother to her.Tit for Tat is not a healthy exercise.i think you are mentioning about delmed's post.i am not blaming her instead pointed out her mil's mistake.
     
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  8. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    What makes me really sad is the growing mistrust in all relationships. Everyone wants to disprove, disagree and throw out even well meaning suggestions.
     
  9. periamma

    periamma IL Hall of Fame

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    @GeetaKashyap mine is not at all an argument.what you quoted is very true.Power struggle and Possessiveness are the root cause of the issues.when my sons got married i was much relieved from my so long duty as a mother.Being relaxed i continue my hobbies of writing,crafts making and concentrate more in spirituality.Thank you ma
     
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  10. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    I am past intense dil period and still far from becoming a mil. I am able to see the strengths and weaknesses of both the roles. You are practicing a good detachment policy. Hope I too would be able to practice that when the time comes.
     

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