Messed up situation... Need advise urgently!!

harithanhp · Oct 30, 2015

Hey IL's

i m here with a possibly long post n a complex situation, I may think so.. The last time I faced a problem, I seeked indusladies n it helped me have a very positive outlook n ur advises really worked for me... So with the same trust n confidence m back here for some more advise. Here goes my case..

Some background first..v have been married for 4 yrs n ve a God sent lovely daughter who s 3 months old.. My husband s a highly qualified doctor who lost his mother at a very young age.. He s a pretty dominant person but s very accommodating as a husband.. V r in a happy n contended relationship to quote...

v live wid my parents... Yes, u heard it right.. U can estimate how accommodating DH s.. V ve stayed so since v got married.. But he s a typical papa's boy!! Wn v got married he was on stipend n so the staying arrangement was made by my fil.. DH was very uncomfortable but my parents dint leave any stone unturned to change that... My DH s typically an introvert but none f us ve any sort f problem..

a lil about my fil..highly insecure abt his son.. As far as my understanding goes..

infact fil expects me to vacate my bedroom (we ve a separate bedroom upstairs) wn ever he s home so that he sleeps in wid hubby.. N DH being the papa's boy doesn't ve the heart to refuse!!:bang This has been happening from the first month f our wedding to date.. Even wn I was 9 months pregnant.. All my bedding was sent downstairs despite fighting wid DH.. No matter how many times I bring up the issue.. DH s always like.. Y can't u adjust.. It's jus a matter f a day or two..

this issue was burning me up n to add to that there came up several issues wid my fil.. Stuff like he asking me to lend my gold for loan for his use :bonk I refused n got offended n DH s like it's alright.. No one's forcing u.. M like shunt u b taking a stand n he s like it snt a huge deal.. Apart from all the other issues, my DH 's grandma calls up my mum n humiliates her.. Literally asking her to be careful since they r the girl's parents n that they shud b careful.. Fil doesn't bat an eye n instead asks me to call her wn he comes to visit... DH s like again no one's forcing you... But my parents are pretty hurt over being belittled so much n they distanced themselves from my fil..

thats is where it all began... Fil comes home since v r planning property n starts a subtle lecture on how I should sacrifice n go for a gold loan.. In front of DH... DH tells him she s not interested but he s well on his way.. N then I deny too but he doesn't stop...

i felt so cornered n scared that I told my parents abt it... I burst into tears which aggravated my dad n the next Mornng wn fil was leaving he tells him firmly in a properly angry tone that gold will not be given n also that he will not interfere in any of these property issues.. Fil leaves..

Dh comes home n picks a fight wid my parents.. My parents are also frustrated at the turn of events by the time. They lost all respect for fil.. DH picks up fight cuz my father talked to fil in a high pitch tone :idontgetit: calls him mannerless n tells my mum that she instigates me... That's like the last straw.. I somehow convinced them to talk to each other.. They did but it dint really work out.. Despite my dad apologising :idontgetit: in the meanwhile fil calls up DH n cries his heart out at how he has been insulted..:bang DH doesn't eat at home, doesn't talk to my parents though he s still living here... My parents are also pretty upset n really don want to further sacrifice their self respect...

In in all this my world has been divided into two parts DH n parents.. Is it such a huge crime to stand up for your daughter's rights?? I fail to see what gives DH the right to belittle them.. If his father was insulted so was mine.. My parents had to endure DH 's nonsensical temper... Yes, they dint silently do it though.. My world feels torn apart.. Also the property we zeroed down to cannot be taken without my parents' support which DH now blatantly refuses!!

i am totally lost n dunno wt to do.. I can't see my parents being humiliated... I don't think it was such a huge deal what my dad said but DH s adamant that fil was insulted... I don think it s fair.. N how can he forget all the love, service, care n affection he got from my parents the past 4 yrs.. Living under the same roof.. jus for his dad... Can't he see what s fair? The more I talk bt it the more the distance between us seems to be growing... So I stopped discussing n avoid the topic altogether... But it breaks my heart how our family has broken n how As a daughter I failed to stand up for my parents... If the son has his father.. S my dad nothing? DH fails to understand n vows things won't get back to normalcy..

i feel heartbroken n dunno if there s anything I can do to amend the situation.. Or shud I jus let it be? Or shud I talk to DH? Totally lost..
Plz help out so that I can ve some peace of mind...

pinky2cute · Oct 30, 2015

Op, 3m daughter means you must be really stressed out with that heated environment. Give your first priority to your baby's and tour health.

Coming to your problem, your parents have their self respect and your DH shouldn't have been rude to them. Tell your DH firmly that just like his dad is important for him, so are your parents and their selfrespect. Tell him that you'll not tolerate any disrespect towards your parents.

Do all this talking in a calm and composed manner without raising your voice. Assure him that you respect his father a lot and never meant to hurt him but his demands were not acceptable by you.

I'm sure once you both sit calmly and discuss, the problem would be solved.

Ignore the petty things like FIL wanting to sleep with DH whenever he visits you. He must be feeling alone and missing his son. No harm in father wanting to sleep with son for a day or two right.

StrongLady · Oct 31, 2015

Dear Op,

Relax. Let things calm down on their own and u just be normal.
Now a days own brothers ,sisters and eventchildren fight and stop talking to their own parents. So don't feel too bad abt ur husband not taliking to ur parents.
Ur FIL showed his typical FIL who interfere in sons family.
Ur parents did right by telling him in strict tone however they got into bad books of son in law, but that's fine. Some day ur hubby will forger and become normal with ur parents.
So don't worry too much.

U be loving with ur parents.
Tell ur parents not to expect anything from ur hubby. They shouldn't be , as there was a argument. So leave ur hubby for some time
U be loving witg ur hubby and also be normal with ur FIL. Dont bring the argument discussion.

If u can shower sweet words on ur FIL and be nice, and slowly ur hubby will also become good with ur parents.

harithanhp said: ↑

Hey IL's

i m here with a possibly long post n a complex situation, I may think so.. The last time I faced a problem, I seeked indusladies n it helped me have a very positive outlook n ur advises really worked for me... So with the same trust n confidence m back here for some more advise. Here goes my case..

Some background first..v have been married for 4 yrs n ve a God sent lovely daughter who s 3 months old.. My husband s a highly qualified doctor who lost his mother at a very young age.. He s a pretty dominant person but s very accommodating as a husband.. V r in a happy n contended relationship to quote...

v live wid my parents... Yes, u heard it right.. U can estimate how accommodating DH s.. V ve stayed so since v got married.. But he s a typical papa's boy!! Wn v got married he was on stipend n so the staying arrangement was made by my fil.. DH was very uncomfortable but my parents dint leave any stone unturned to change that... My DH s typically an introvert but none f us ve any sort f problem..

a lil about my fil..highly insecure abt his son.. As far as my understanding goes..

infact fil expects me to vacate my bedroom (we ve a separate bedroom upstairs) wn ever he s home so that he sleeps in wid hubby.. N DH being the papa's boy doesn't ve the heart to refuse!!:bang This has been happening from the first month f our wedding to date.. Even wn I was 9 months pregnant.. All my bedding was sent downstairs despite fighting wid DH.. No matter how many times I bring up the issue.. DH s always like.. Y can't u adjust.. It's jus a matter f a day or two..

this issue was burning me up n to add to that there came up several issues wid my fil.. Stuff like he asking me to lend my gold for loan for his use :bonk I refused n got offended n DH s like it's alright.. No one's forcing u.. M like shunt u b taking a stand n he s like it snt a huge deal.. Apart from all the other issues, my DH 's grandma calls up my mum n humiliates her.. Literally asking her to be careful since they r the girl's parents n that they shud b careful.. Fil doesn't bat an eye n instead asks me to call her wn he comes to visit... DH s like again no one's forcing you... But my parents are pretty hurt over being belittled so much n they distanced themselves from my fil..

thats is where it all began... Fil comes home since v r planning property n starts a subtle lecture on how I should sacrifice n go for a gold loan.. In front of DH... DH tells him she s not interested but he s well on his way.. N then I deny too but he doesn't stop...

i felt so cornered n scared that I told my parents abt it... I burst into tears which aggravated my dad n the next Mornng wn fil was leaving he tells him firmly in a properly angry tone that gold will not be given n also that he will not interfere in any of these property issues.. Fil leaves..

Dh comes home n picks a fight wid my parents.. My parents are also frustrated at the turn of events by the time. They lost all respect for fil.. DH picks up fight cuz my father talked to fil in a high pitch tone :idontgetit: calls him mannerless n tells my mum that she instigates me... That's like the last straw.. I somehow convinced them to talk to each other.. They did but it dint really work out.. Despite my dad apologising :idontgetit: in the meanwhile fil calls up DH n cries his heart out at how he has been insulted..:bang DH doesn't eat at home, doesn't talk to my parents though he s still living here... My parents are also pretty upset n really don want to further sacrifice their self respect...

In in all this my world has been divided into two parts DH n parents.. Is it such a huge crime to stand up for your daughter's rights?? I fail to see what gives DH the right to belittle them.. If his father was insulted so was mine.. My parents had to endure DH 's nonsensical temper... Yes, they dint silently do it though.. My world feels torn apart.. Also the property we zeroed down to cannot be taken without my parents' support which DH now blatantly refuses!!

i am totally lost n dunno wt to do.. I can't see my parents being humiliated... I don't think it was such a huge deal what my dad said but DH s adamant that fil was insulted... I don think it s fair.. N how can he forget all the love, service, care n affection he got from my parents the past 4 yrs.. Living under the same roof.. jus for his dad... Can't he see what s fair? The more I talk bt it the more the distance between us seems to be growing... So I stopped discussing n avoid the topic altogether... But it breaks my heart how our family has broken n how As a daughter I failed to stand up for my parents... If the son has his father.. S my dad nothing? DH fails to understand n vows things won't get back to normalcy..

i feel heartbroken n dunno if there s anything I can do to amend the situation.. Or shud I jus let it be? Or shud I talk to DH? Totally lost..
Plz help out so that I can ve some peace of mind...
Click to expand...

sun01 · Oct 31, 2015

You take care of your kid and yourself for now. Don't talk about that incident with your DH for now.

After some time if you and DH can move out of your parents most of the problems would be solved.

You could have handled your FIL on your own that could have avoided the problem. When you DH was saying nobody is forcing you in a balanced way between you and his father, he handled the situation in balanced way without bringing arguments.

Your FIL is bad interfering between you and DH, but he is living separately.

Your father speaking with raising voice at his own house when your FIL visited his house as guest is really rude. He is more bad than your FIL after this incident. It was your mistake in the first place not able to handle the situation on your own.

You are the key person to make the things better or worse in your own family (you, dh, kid).

You have emotional support from both of your parents being living with them, but DH has less emotional support now and in the past due to loss of his mother. You should take this into consideration and try to give him emotional support instead thinking of too much of self respect of your parents who have crossed lines after this incident. You are the mother now, so try to be independent of your parents in day to day life.

Irrespective of whose parents it may be, if you put your parents on top of your spouse then you are inviting troubles in the marriage.

It is just my point of view. I could be wrong.

Iamagoodgirl · Oct 31, 2015

Op situation is out of control now.You can not do anything.Finalize new property as soon as possible and move out of house.

spandana7 · Oct 31, 2015

OP, every issue can be solved by talking so dont worry things will become normal with time.4 yrs of marriage is a long time to know each other so surely ur husband will understand ur point of view in future.
First of all just be normal for 1 week , try not to raise the same topic ....just follow ur daily routine .Shower some extra love and care towards ur husband .whenever u guys are alone just tell him what if the same situation happens with ur daughter in future than how ur husband would have reacted.Just explain that ur father shouted at ur FIL becoz he was concerned abt his daughter .Also as per my view u must apologise to ur FIL becoz he just gave his views , he never forced u or ur husband .
Even if its not ur mistake sometimes we have to take initiative to normalise things ......a simple sorry will solve all ur problems and give u the much needed peace of mind.As u r thinking abt ur parents in the same way ur husband is thinking abt his father first and nothing wrong in that. If ur relationship improves with ur FIL than i m sure ur husband will also behave properly with ur parents .

Infact truly speaking i dont like the convention ' ur parents ' and 'my parents' , after marriage both side parents should be treated equally. I m sure ur FIL will understand the mess going on in ur reltionship right now . Take my advice call ur FIL and talk ur heart out . Plz try i m sure things will improve.

ABD · Nov 7, 2015

Hi harithnhp,

I think your parents should have handled the situation maturely. This situation was obvious to occur coz if your parents would be rude to you FIL , you husband will speak for his father.

I think your husband it very appreciable. Not many people are so accommodating. You will agree that its your FIL right to live with you.

Your situation might go bad if you give more time to it. You should try to understand the situation from your husbands perspective also. You said you husband lost his mother at very young age. So its only his father for him.

Its not good that you husband doesnt eat at home. I think you should talk to your husband about anything which will bring him in normal talking terms with you. You may talk about Diwali celebrations etc where he has to be involved. Do that for couple of days and then you might want to start talking about that incident. IF you have to blame, blame the situation , not your husband. but dont try to stretch it if you see him going back in same mode.

Sharing this situation and crying in front of your father was not good. Fathers are extra protective for daughters. You could have shared it with your mom, if it was too hard on you. Coz in any case no one can snatch your Gold from you. and if in worst case scenario, anyone did, that was the time for your dad to be rude.

There are things that you should try to handle maturely. Telling parents is not the solution to everything but I support to share with mom so you feel light minded.

I dont think it was your husband's mistake, but it was an instant reaction like your father.
I hope the Festival will make things better for All.arty

hugsmileyDON't FORGET TO SMILE , WHEN YOU NEED IT THE MOST

meVaidehi · Nov 7, 2015

So you are okay taking more help from your parents for buying a property but you won't mortgage your own gold? Why?

sayurheart · Oct 6, 2016

I am not ok with taking money from them at all. And thats another point of conflict between me and my husband.. Thats the whole point, i neither want to take their help nor give my gold.. I was ready to take loan on my salary and give up all my savings.. I did too, the savings but he thinks it was my parents` responsibility to "share" his burden.. but he wont take it now cuz of the fight.. and i don agree with him on this front..

chocolate · Oct 7, 2016

Op,Take care of your baby and yourself. Apologize to your parents. Especially your dad. The fault is yours in this case. Never bring parents and in laws together for stressful matters. You told your parents about your FIL wanting you to give gold for loan. It shud have been a vent that's all. You didn't have to have your dad talk to your FIL about it. Your FIL's main motive was to get your gold and take loan on it by hook or crook. You cud have handled it yourself telling no. Your parents didn't have to get involved. Your hubby on the other hand handled it maturely.

Word of advice. Let it go and apologize to your dad. Do not bring up the topic ever again. Next time , if your FIL asks for gold which I am sure he will, say fimly no and not to talk about it again.Once again if such issues come up handle it by yourself and mention it to your parents as a vent. Not to push it further.

My MIL has asked for my jewels n number of times.Always I have brushed it off . She was persistent but I handled it myself. I vent to my parents thats it.The separation b/n in laws and parents is always good in our culture. It makes everything tolerable and superficial smoothness of hi hello in company.Unless we live in Sooraj barjatya movie, mingling almost always never works.Good Luck.