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Mending Relationship with IN-LAWS

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by riyagan, Dec 2, 2011.

  1. riyagan

    riyagan Gold IL'ite

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    so, Now we are at a stage where we cant be 'friendly' with our Inlaws anymore for what they did to us in the past while keeping in mind that you are not at loss if u lose such relationships. ofcourse they did many sacrifices and put their hard work to bring up their sons, and adored them to the core. but as much they thrashed their DILs for the only reason that she married their son. so, there arised a phase that hubby had to compromise his parents for his better half. But his inevitable desire is to patch things up btwn his wife and his parents in the coming years though he is in good relationship with them though they have ill treated his dear wife. it hurts him sometimes that things turned this way as he sees wife and parents as both of his eyes. so, keeping a hubby's yearning as a primary thing sacrificing your self esteem and peace of mind and knowing that ppl going take big advantage of u and going to thrash u again...what wud u suggest Hubby's eternal happiness or wife's peace of mind.

    secondly, if chose to fulfil hubby's desire...where to start. gifts to inlaws? a big no. make a call...again no. anythin else?
     
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  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Riyagan,

    Moderation is the keyword in all relationships. I assume that you are staying away from in-laws. Just a polite hi/hello, how are you?, all fine here kind of relationship is perfectly adequate. Keep a very formal relationship. Don't overstep your limits and don't let them overstep theirs. Let your husband have a good relationship with them - do not stop him. But you do not need to go out of your way or fall all over them. Make it clear to him that if they step out of line one more time, you will not tolerate it.

    Distance and time patches up relationships. Try to get too close - familiarity breeds contempt.
     
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  3. itsmebhama

    itsmebhama Bronze IL'ite

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    hi riyagan,
    this s something i also wanted to post few days bf4. i am also luking forward for some advice fom IL frnds regarding how to patch up with my inlaws. :) i am sure if i cal them they won talk properly. they wud hv questions like where were u these 8 months. y din u cal me. are u alergic to ur husbands family blah blah. listening to al these craps wil make me go mad over them again n which wil further make my DHs day horrible bcos f my behaviour due to inlaws. last time wen they cald they made me cry. aftr tht never talkd to them. wenever i pik the fone n make a cal i just feel so cold inside me i am scared to talk to them actually. but inside me always wishing to maintain atleast a hai bye relationship .. but not able to do tht. now i donno their n umber too. n wen i ask my hubby won give their number. he knows very well tht his parents wont talk properly to me. so now wen thinking too much a always get one answer it s better not to cal them. y caling them n making a scene once again. it always creates disturbance in our house only. they just forget it just like tht. they just need their son not me hehe...
     
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  4. vchelluri

    vchelluri Gold IL'ite

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    I go with Satchi in this case.

    Regards,
    Latha.
     
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  5. kiranavvari

    kiranavvari Gold IL'ite

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    Riyagan,

    As Satchi suggested, a hai/hello occassionally would do I guess.

    I usually dont call my in-laws, But, I make sure that I call them if they are ill (if I come to know about their sick ness).

    When I visit them, I just ask my MIL if she needs any help in house chores, and help her in cooking, cleaning etc. I dont speak anything other than that. She always wants to talk to DH only in my absence, so I provide them the space by visiting other relatives who are in the same place alone myself. She also wants my DD, so I leave my DD also, when I go to relatives house. I just spend few mins with SILs asking what they are doing etc.
    I call my SILs on their birthdays to wish them. Though I buy clothes for them, it would be DH who would give them, as they dont like to take from my hands.
     
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  6. Mrudhani

    Mrudhani Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Riyagan,

    I went thru ur previous posts...actually i am also sailing in the same boat as u....

    First be good to yourself, only then you can be good to others.

    So if living with ur in laws is a pain in the neck each day, drop that idea. Because it is anybody's birth right to live a peaceful life. But do ensure ur in-laws financial position is good as of now . Dont think twice to spend money for them because we are not cruel DILs..we are just fighting for our space and our family..when they poke into all our matters and when they impose their unsatisfied desires on us..

    I am able to feel extreme pressure in your question...as of now quit the thought of pleasing them out of the way all of a sudden jus for the sake of ur husband . jUST live ur life peacefully....Your husband will understand ur plight in due course for sure..

    its high time a DIL gets her independence in any family...so dont patch up now itself losing ur hard earned freedom!

    Time is the best healer for all questions..there is no readymade answer for ur question!!
     
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  7. iyerponnu

    iyerponnu Gold IL'ite

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    Riyagan,

    As Satchi said, moderation is the key.. I have been taken short many times because I tried to do more. Before I got married, my in-laws said that they were getting not one daughter, but two.. ie me and my sister. She always was nice when we went to see them. I saw a glimpse of her nature when we went to buy sarees for the wedding. She was quite rude to me in front of so many people, and after that it did hamper relations with them for a while. She accused me of taking her son away from her. I was not willing to speak to her for a while, but I had to for the sake of my husband.. Things cooled down, though I learned to stay away.

    To make a start, call them no matter what. If you all live in the same city, just go to see them. Things will definitely feel cold, but they could turn warm.. But take it one day at a time. Baby steps... sometimes it can slide down, dont get disheartened.. Keep trying. If anything, at least you can say that you have tried :) :thumbsup

    Mythili
     
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  8. riyagan

    riyagan Gold IL'ite

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    i really appreciate that u take things in a cool manner and leave it as such which i may have to learn from u
     
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  9. riyagan

    riyagan Gold IL'ite

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    @satchi, mrudhani and iyerponnu

    thanks for understanding a nd kind words ladies.. its really helpful.. we reside in the same city..my inlaws house is 40km away..my hubby go visit them often..my fil visit us occasionally. ivent gone to their place in 2years. nor am invited ther.. since nobody questioned except my hubby once in a while. am not gonna go myself..but i hav ideas to atleast nod my head when i see them...to start with
     
  10. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    I have gone thru the same phase when my MIL stops talking to me without reason, she wont eat what I prepared in fact she will behave crazily like a elementary school kid, what hurts more is when she wants me to do something she will tell thru my DH,maid & other 3rd persons thus every one in the family will come to know she is not talking to me, this has happened countless number of times, in the initial stages I use to try all that I could do to please her , use to keep talking to her though she would not answer and rudely turn her face but later on I just learnt to ignore her and let the time heal, it would take 2, 3 days or sometimes a week but until she takes the initiative I wont budge... cannot keep loosing our self respect all the time.
     
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