Married In Perfectionist Family

Dear
I also have faced this this problem in the beginning of my marriage. MIL is a perfectionist. She calls herself 'perfect' all the time and she used to boast a lot about'how nobody is as good as her 'in her family. I used to get pretty tensed around her because she would pick fault with everything that I did. ANd again she would praise herself....phew it was difficult and irritating at the same time. Hubby would also boast how efficient his mother is. Anyways fast forward , I stopped paying attention to what she says . I do only as much as I can. I do not care what she says . I know my limits. Gradually she stopped asking or expecting. Even to my husband I never gave any false impression that I would do XYZ like his mother did. I am very much at peace knowing my husband considers her mother the best. And I am no where close to what she is when it comes to household chores. Since I am not competing, I am very much happy now.
Note that I work part time. I have two kids whose I am the primary care giver. I take very good care of all three of them(babies and hubby). I take time out for myself too. I do exercises and pursue my hobbies which keeps me in good shape. ANd on the top of it I do not expect any acknowledgment from anyone. Since they are my family and its my responsibility to take care of them.

 

I can pretty much relate to your experience. I got a perfect MIL like yours. She had full-time career and kept home dust free. Every day, after coming from work, she do the cleaning job keeping the home perfect to the microscopic levels. . So my husband is used to this, expecting the same from me. MIL is a nice person and never complaints.

Right now we live in USA and PILS are in India. No problem from them. I used to keep home perfect in the beginning, satisfying his expectation levels. But it became difficult for me to do the same with two kids, full time career, cooking and managing most of the household jobs myself. Now my Dh took the role of worst MIL, complaining about the microscopic level things .He helps me a lot to clean ,but expect it to be maintained that way all the time . How can I do with active kids, I can mop home every weekend, not everyday. I don't know how many times we had fights over this. But I realised this is of no use. I told him very clearly that I am not his mom, don't expect the same thing from me. I will do cleaning when I have enough energy and mood to do. If he wants other way, he has every freedom to clean the house, so do it by himself.. but these dialogues fuel up the issue.
Finally I realized that there is no use in talking or making him understand. So I started doing whatever I can and learned to neglect it. So stopped responding to his reactions ( after seeing something, I think it is like reflex action ) and just walk away from the source.. he soon realized that it is of no use responding. I will ask his help for cleaning and do the best I can do..but it took me years to learn how to handle these situations. I feel that if we are confident that we do the best we can do based on time , energy, our health ,job etc. , neglecting unnecessary reactions (we think it is, but not them) and not taking it to our heart will help.
Just do whatever one can and developing a don't care attittude will help.. we will soon realize that others unnecessary reactions won't affect our inner peace or happiness. If we cannot change it , just accept it and move on.
I also heard the dialogues like what is wrong in keeping things perfect from my Dh manytimes. Your situation is slightly different as two persons are there to find fault with. I suggest you from own experience just smile if off. Don't respond, do whatever you can . If mil do it again ,let her do it again, don't worry,just walk away from the cleaning scene. They will realise doon that you do things your way and forcingto do these things on you will not work.

Learn how to diplomatically deal the situation. After all, she is helping you to keep the home perfect. Don't complaint( most important step).Maintain a deaf ear to things you don't want to hear.

 

Don't fret, even if it is the other way round, they won't stop complaining, get used to it and if possible try to do better, but don't think too much into it.

 

Since you live with your MIL and it must be like an everyday battle. That's why may be having an open and polite conversation with your MIL and/or hubby might help. You can mention how you are unique in your own way and how even two perfectionists can not do the same task in exactly the same way! Is there anything I do that you (MIL) like? May be I can stick to doing those chores while you do what you are good in? Let them know it feels disrespectful and demotivating to redo the things you have just done> If she is a good person she will understand otherwise leave the chores to her only. There has to be a middle way if both want a peaceful existence. For other things learn to ignore and keep doin the best you can unless it is something you are doing fundamentally wrong. Its nice that you have a full time job but don't think it as a means to run away from these issues rather try to find a way.

 

Hi OP
I'm sorry you deal with this, it is hard to live with perfectionists... How do I know? I'm a perfectionist myself
I don't know if my profession has anything to do with it (I am a surgeon), but I like things to be perfectly organized and my space to be pristine. I had a lot of conflicts with my husband when we started living together, because I did my share of chores (cooking and cleaning the kitchen) perfectly, but his cleaning skills were mediocre and let's say, I was not happy about it
What did I learn from seven years of my marriage? All this cleaning stuff does not matter. Life is too short to freak out over a bathroom mirror my husband failed to wipe properly and life too short to fight about it. I perfectly understand that for your MIL it's all very important because she does not have a lot going on in her life besides housework. But OP, your MIL is two times older and she spent twice more time learning how to do all this stuff. You will not be just as good as her, it is unrealistic, and you do not have to. It is okay to be imperfect.
Advice: keep doing your best, but never sacrifice your rest or quality time with your family for a perfectly clean bathroom sink. If she wants to redo your work, she can do so. You will get better at this with time anyways. Hugs

 

Dear OP,

Perfection is just a perception, what you perceive perfect will not be perfect to others.

I live with a perfectionist. BUT I am a mom of two small kids, I dont feel guilty anymore for not being perfect, you know why, for me daily struggles of living with two kids is overwhelming, that I am fighting for survival, why would I care to be perfect?

If my kids are fed a balanced meal, spending time with them ,teaching them makes me happy why bother about being perfect.

That is what I say to my perfect friends/relatives - I am struggling for survival, and it is okay to be imperfect. This is who I am. if you are perfect, that is great. Imperfections are not inadequacies.

 

Nice perspective, except that most people don't like women who are not organized . My home is a big clutter and the reason is, I did not learn to discard unwanted stuff. We never throw any stuff unless it is really, really of no use. I was never taught that and frankly I think I should do away with stuff that I am not at all using. That is why the house looks so untidy - because it is difficult to manage with the clutter. If we don't maintain neatness, it becomes a deadly tool for everyone around to boss on us women, especially ILs. Men though can get away with it usually.