Marriage Is Failing...help!!!

@pinky2cute
Hope you have read the remaining lines of my post too...
Leave this momma's boy or spineless argument, and my comment was in general... not specifically for you.

Dear, please leave whatever your imagination about an ideal marriage. I am sure, no one could come here and say, that their marriage is ideal as per the books, thus they are happy.
Some, like me openly vent here, share our history and the path how we traveled. Some prefer not to share their personal life on-line, some chose to fake a perfect life here too.
But in reality every marriage has its own dark area, where there are some or the other problems both the spouses need to work out.

The journey is not always easy... It has its ups and downs, but the travel is interesting and unavoidable.

A marriage is not always about your spouse. It is about the family, that include children, extended family, finances, job security, health, right attitude, etc..etc...

For some, their spouse may be the gift from God. An ideal, romantic, handsome, passionate husband may be a blessing. But that doesn't mean their life is always a bed of roses. Childlessness, hard and long fertility treatments, terminal or chronical illness, disability caused by accidents, and more importantly the permanent physical or mental disability of their kids can be their own dark areas of their marriage.
Despite of the extra super spouse, they too may be combating some or the other issue in life just as you and me. That's how life is fair for everyone.
Accept this reality and move on.

A person with a super duper husband may argue that it is a must to treat wife special, gift her on special days, and to stand up for wife all the time no matter what, and that's what called marriage. She may insist on this, because she believes in this, and lives by this.
Her dark area of life may be something different. Perhaps a disable kid.
Now can you argue with her and say, a child should be perfect, and bold and beautiful just like many kids, thus she should not accept this kid with disability?
Of course her child's disability may be a huge problem in her life, and she may be combating with that paying much more efforts, and of course loosing her sanity. Perhaps, that's why God has gifted her a great spouse to balance this. Perhaps that's why she is feeling normal about her child and living a normal life despite of it.
Life is a package. Each package is same with different combination. Accept it.

Of course your H and PILs are wrong. No doubt.
But if your choice is not to walk out of this marriage, then you must work towards making it better.
Doing anything to harm the marital harmony, although it is perfectly right as per you, is not a great idea, provided your ultimate goal is to live in this marriage.

Looks like your husband will not leave his parents or do anything to hurt them because of his love for you. Accept the fact that you are given a husband, who is not that ideal.
But what you can do with this not-so-great husband is the game here.

Point is he loves you, and guarantees that he will not hurt you. Great.
Take advantage of it, and ensure you or your family is not hurt the next time when he tries something to please his folks.
My H has taken his own time to trust me fully and disclose his financial status despite of so much hiccups in between. Even though ours was a love marriage, and I am more than good at finances.
My bro has shared his pay ch on the first month of his salary after marriage. He has shared all the accounts and investments in joint names with SIL immediately.
But that alone doesn't make my bro a super husband, and my H a bad one here.
In general, I am happy with a kind of H I am blessed with. He is more comfortable, open, and life is equal with him.
My bro is conservative, and SIL has to obey his commands and sometimes I do feel that she is like a parrot in a golden cage. But she likes it.

So, don't compare your marriage with that of others. Not even with that of your imagination.
Accept it and move on... If you can't accept, divorce.
Don't dwell in two paths....JMo

 

Just relax, wait and see. Give time to everyone. I don't support dowry in any forms.

 

Dear Pinky2cute,

After reading your last response, I am fully convinced that you did everything possible to make your marriage work and if you were my daughter, I would have been very proud of what you did so far.

It is my humble view, once a person marries a woman, he should understand that he had agreed to share everything in life with his better half. There has to be a total transparency between the spouses. You have every right to know the finances of your family whether it is earned only by him or both of you.

It is also my view that two important things need to happen in order to make this marriage work. The love you both have for each other should develop into trust, respect and care for each other and it takes time. In a marriage, both spouses are equal and hence he should provide the same level of attention and courtesy that he would provide to himself. Second, sharing of information happening between the spouses with the parents is very silly. Your husband should handle it like an adult. Your husband should understand the love he has for you should culminate into healthy married life resulting in providing complete support including emotional and psychological.

Your openness in sharing the information about what went wrong in the marriage convinced me that it is your husband who need to change himself in order to become a better husband. It is clear that you are very bold and brave and hence I am sure you will handle it well. But if he reaches out to you, listen to his viewpoints including what you said earlier in a heated exchange. So far you are doing great. As the final conclusion, let me share something important. 1) Have full confidence that your husband would lead a perfect life with you over a period of time and as JAG mentioned that would be reassuring to yourself to work on it with confidence. Please don't let your mind to write your future by thinking negatively 2) Take the first step of getting together unconditionally and seek support from him in small doses. In other words, don't seek solution for all of the problems in one discussion that too before getting together and do it in stages. 3) Assure your husband that your intention is not to strain his relationship with his parents and you fully support him helping them financially with your knowledge. 4) Many will advice starting the family will help resolve issues but please understand the child should have an environment that is very conducive for the child to grow in love. Hence you both need to be perfectly in sync before starting a family.

Your last communication gave me a good feeling about your great level of understanding of life. I wish you very best of luck in life.

Viswa