1. Have an Interesting Snippet to Share : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Marriage and Emotional Needs - A Reverse Example

Discussion in 'Wednesdays with Varalotti' started by varalotti, Sep 26, 2006.

  1. varalotti

    varalotti Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,207
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    Most Gracious ILites,
    Thanks once again for the wonderful reponses, for the loving support and the enthusiastic participation in all my threads – whether it is classical poetry or a mundane marital problem. All these emotional needs threads are heavy; they are bound to be so. One cannot give a humorous lecture on cancer. Some ILites have expressed concern why should these things be discussed at all. They fear that these may give some ideas, wrong ideas, to someone. And to those, I tell with affection, Mesdames (plural of Madam) you are putting the cart before the horse. It is because somebody got those wrong and funny ideas that people like me write about them. It is not the other way round.

    Anyhow the thread needs to be balanced. I do not want young women reading this thread decide not to marry at all, for it has all these problems. So let us take a real-life reverse example this time. But, Mesdames, once again don’t expect a happy reading. Happy reading is only on Saturdays. (And many of you have not read last Saturday’s IF poem yet.). But I promise you this will not be as sad or as stupid as some of the overrated serials you see on the idiot box. Here we go.


    Marriage and Emotional Needs - A Reverse Example
    Sushma was a happy go lucky girl, the only daughter born to rich parents. The silver spoon she was born with was diamond-studded. She grew up into a very beautiful young lady.
    She had many suitors but she declined them all. Her father and mother lined up the best boys in the market. Sushma just said a happy no. “Marriage, me, and at this age. No way.” When she made this emphatic statement she was hardly 23.

    After her graduation she took interest in alternative healing. Reiki, Pranic Healing and the like. She was a perfect natural in that field, a very rare phenomenon. After learning Reiki, she attempted a Reiki healing on one of her friends who had an incurable stomach ache. Her friend was cured.

    People swarmed to her. She spent her time teaching people, praying for others, meditating, learning more and more about para-psychological sciences. Her parents gently reminded of her marriage every now and then.
    “Marriage, now, after all these…” she pointed at the large group of students waiting for classes to begin.

    Sushma was thirty now. She was still beautiful. Her parents became old and bedridden.
    She continued with the same vigour for another five years. But then she slackened. She was simply tired, fatigued, meeting people day in and day out. She had a burnt-out feeling.

    Now she had lot of irritating chores to do. Taking her parents to hospital by turns. And attending to all the chores which her father was taking care of till then.

    It was then she badly needed a male companion. Somebody she could hold on to, when she felt let down and burnt out. Somebody she could hold hands while sitting alone in the terrace in a starless night. Somebody who could shout at her, “enough Sushma. Now go and take rest.” Somebody who would ask her in the evening “How was your day, honey?”

    First she could not muster enough courage to tell her need to her father. But when the need became very severe she shed all her inhibitions and told him that she was now ready to get married.

    Her father though bedridden summoned all his contacts and entrusted them the assignment of finding a suitable match for Sushma.

    But now Sushma was 35. She was good looking for her age. But in the marriage market age is a predominant factor. Of course some interested boys came to see her. But they were all either balding widowers or doubtful divorcees or young men who wanted to settle down in life with Sushma’s wealth.
    Now she is 40. She has not lost hope. But I now feel she has missed the bus.
    When her mind got diverted to all these worries it lost the freshness and purity essential for arts like Reiki. The attendance to her classes has thinned down. She is clearly frustrated and it shows in her every moment. She is quite irritable and has lost all her charm.

    To paraphrase the words of a philosopher (who said, “This word may be the worst place, agreed. But do we have a choice?”) Marriage has all its problems, but do we have a better alternative?

    Varalotti
     
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2007
    Loading...

  2. purnima_2k

    purnima_2k Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    409
    Likes Received:
    13
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    "Marriage is a necessary social evil??"

    Hi Varalotti,

    First of all, let me congratulate you Sir, on boldly writing these controveries! I dont know how many ILLites objcted to you on writing these topics, but i dont think anything is wrong in what you write.In fact, what i feel is you are creating a sense of awareness amongst us. I think most ILites are mature in their thoughts and age and not 'little kids' to get influenced by merely what people say/write. If that is the case, then first TV's should be banned, then radios, then international books,national books, and then maybe your articles!!!! :)

    Your flow is very natural and creates an impact and the message you give to us is always postive! In fact your article of chandrababu still is alive in my memory.That one dug into my heart.All your articles do! In this case, Sushma,what she did was right or wrong is not the point.She did what she felt was right at that point in time. The fact that she regretted her decision? well, she has asked for it. But grass is always greener on the other side. Getting married does not mean, that the person will be happy.As my mom always says "Marriage is a necessary social evil"--whether you like it or not, whether you personally want it or not, you can take the risk of marriage.Like the saying righly goes "its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all!!" What I personally feel is that marriage is a beautiful institution, teaches you a lot of things,gives motherhood-- overall it makes you a complete woman! Well, Sushma getting baldies and divorcees is her bad luck , but still, she can look at them with an open mind,am sure someone will come her way.

    My best wishes to her!

    Purni
     
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2006
  3. sihi

    sihi Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    214
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Should looks and previous maritial status matter?

    Hello Varalotti sir,

    I have been a silent reader on this site eversince I stumbled across this site while browsing last week. I have read almost all of your threads in this site.....they are very good and for new-entrants in the marriage arena. Your articles puts us on the right track to think and sometimes they are eye-openers.

    About your thread today...reading Sushma's story made me think that Sushma did what she wanted all through her life till now. From your article, it seems that she never bothered too much about the society rules and did her own thing what she felt was right. But now when she badly needs a companion for her life....I was wondering why should looks matter? At her age, shouldn't it be a mature love...over and above the looks and all other small things that new brides look for? You have mentioned that she got responses from bald men, widowers etc. I was wondering why cannot any of these make a good companion for her? Sushma should still be able to find a good person (irrespective of looks and previous maritial status) suitable for her and who can be very supportive companion. For instance, a widower could still be a perfect match for her added to that if he has some children, she can accept them as her own and live a contented life for the rest of her life. Here I will not say a happy life because as everyone knows ...no marriage is perfect and it will sure have its ups and downs and in Sushma's case it might be more hurdles....adjusting to the partner and kids (if any) and also others in that family.

    Just my thoughts! and my best wishes to Sushma...
     
  4. varalotti

    varalotti Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,207
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    Nice Post, Purnima!

    Hi Purnima,
    Thanks for acquitting me of the charge. I am free, relieved and happy. As you rightly said writings like these would not plant ideas in peoples minds. Again, TV is a far more powerful medium than this. And what goes for serials today? A married man having an affair with another married woman. A woman wantonly wrecking a family and another woman's life. The rest I cant even write in this thread, lest I should be violating the Forum Etiquette so carefully framed by our Super Moderators.
    There is a difference in TV and threads like these. In the TV serial you dont have a say at all. You just watch what's happening. But here every thread, every sentence, every word and letter can be objected, praised, rebutted or even ridiculed. Number two, I am giving possible scenarios to apply our minds on. If you happen to do your MBA in IIM, a major portion of your time would be spend in dealing with case studies. And all are realtime case studies. So is the case here. Sushma, Priya, Shiva and Raji are real persons in flesh and blood and their problems as real as real can be. Thinking about others problems widens our perspective and gives us the necessary maturity to handle our own lives.

    Thats about my defence to these threads. Now coming on to the case, I have nothing but sympathy for Sushma. Marriage is such a wonderful institution that no man or woman should do without it. Barring some exceptional cases - saints, social workers etc. everybody else should marry. But it can't be denied that there is a great risk involved.
    And when my friends bring their daughters to me for career counselling and when I am left alone with the girl, my first question is when do you plan to marry. The girl will blush and say, I don't have the faintest idea. I tell her in firm words. Dear child, you are 22 now. Plan your marriage before you complete your 24th year. You are going to marry any how, right? Better do it soon.
    I tell the simile of a hotel, especially in a place like Madurai. When you visit the hotel in the peak hour, you will have all the items listed in the menu. But when you go a little late, towards the closing time, they may grudgingly offer you a few items, at times left overs.
    So when you marry young you have a large menu to choose from. But when you marry late your menu card is cut to one-tenth of its size. Naturally you are increasing the risks associated with marriage.
    As far as Sushma is concerned, it is one thing to hope, wish and pray for her., But practically speaking it is difficult to find out a match for her. And if she has to reluctantly accept a not so good groom, that will have an impact on the married life. She is now reconciled to the life of a single woman. She is fairly independent and outgoing.
    But the fact that she is not going to have a male companion which she so badly wanted sometime back, still gives me heartache.
    Life goes on, waiting for no one, caring for none. Not that all married woman live an ecstatic life; but life of a single woman can be a worse hell, which Sushma has realised in a bitter way.
    Thanks for your wishes. Please pray for Sushma's happiness.
    regards,
    Varalotti
     
  5. varalotti

    varalotti Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,207
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    It's a record for me, Sihi!

    Hello Sihi,

    For the first time during my one year stay in IL, I am receiving a post from a member who is just a week old in IL. Thanks for creating a record.
    Thanks for being a silent reader. But from on be a speaking reader. I find that this is your very first post in IL. I am proud to have that in my thread. May you post more and more beautiful posts. Welcome to IL, Sihi.

    Well, Sihi, I am sorry if I have conveyed the feeling that Sushma is concentrating on looks. Not at all. Now when a groom appears on the scene, if Sushma likes him or has a feel for him, then no other defect (like baldness or prior marital stauts) will ever be noticed. But the problem is whatever grooms she has seen so far do not even remotely come close to her minimal expectations. At this age Sushma wants a matured male companion capable of having intelligent conversation with her , encourage her activities and is of reasonable financial independence. She does not want to marry an abusive person or an alchoholic. But she is totally upset by the kind of responses she receives.

    We cannot advise her to accept whatever comes her way. Having a troubled marriage is a hundred times worse than living all alone.
    While we send our best prayers and wishes for Sushma, the lesson we need to learn from her is that there is a time for every thing. And when missed even a simple task becomes highly complex. You may also read my reply to Purnima on the matter of choices available.

    Lets see what happens. May God have mercy on Sushma.
    Thanks Sihi, once again for your post.
    regards,
    Varalotti
     
  6. Kamla

    Kamla Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    8,437
    Likes Received:
    5,034
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    No hard and fast rule!

    Dear Varalotti,

    I join Purnima in congratulating you on your enthusiasm in encouraging us IL'ites to think and write on the so called controversial matters. To me, they are not even controversial, they are all matters pertaining to our daily life and such things do happen in many of our lives whether we like it or not. In talking about it, atleast it will prepare us to face such happenings, should it happen to us.

    Coming to Sushma, I agree with Sihi that under the circumstances that Sushma is in, the outward appearances of a man nor his married state is of no huge importance. It is the compatability factor which you too seem to agree in your answer to her.

    What I do not agree is to think that Sushma made a huge mistake in not marrying 'on time'! Maybe my thoughts are very coloured by the many years of living in the western culture. There is such a thing called personal ambition and wishes. Maybe Sushma sticks out like a sour thumb in India where girls are of marriageble age as soon as they are eighteen. She had certain wishes and aspirations. She followed that. She might have made someone very unhappy (and herslef too) if she had married in her prime youth just for the sake of marriage. As a woman, I laud her the stance she took inspite of living in a culture which frowns upon such decisions. At this stage of life, she now wants companion and marriage. But then, marriages are made in heaven. If and when the time comes, maybe her man too will appear on the scene. Who knows if she would have met the right man in her teens or early twenties if it was not destined? However much it may sound improbable, it is possible she would not have found the 'right' match even then?!!

    In this day and age, where women are studying and working almost on the same level as a man, it is not possible to hold on to some of the rules of the past. I do hear that indian parents want their children, especially, their daughters to marry early today as the exposure to western culture and modern times are catching up hard and fast through TV and computers and the parents and the kids are torn between the cultural disparities. So, nip it in the bud! But then, I also hear that the divorces and re-marriages are also on the rise today. Besides all this, we have also discussed in depth if marriage provides the emotional security for partners and if one should stay put or walk out of such marriages. So, all of us have our own reservations about an ideal marriage.

    Inspite of all this, I agree marriage is good as an institution. It is the way to go generally speaking and a limping marriage is anyday better than loneliness. But that is when one is married.

    Before marrying...one does have a choice, right? So that's what Sushma made. She sounds like a smart person, I am sure she will face her future and find a partner who will think like her, sooner or much much later. After all, it is upto Him!

    In the meantime, let us not discourage the Sushmas of our world:)

    L, Kamla
     
  7. varalotti

    varalotti Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,207
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    I admire you, Kamla!

    Dear Kamla,

    One thing I like about you is that your words are sweet, when you agree with me, and they are sweeter when you do not. That is a good quality. Never let the tribulations of life spoil that rare quality.

    Well, one mistake I think I did was, that I went overboard as a writer. When I said baldies and divorcess line up as Sushma's suitors, I did not mean (in my mind) that Sushma is particular about looks or prior marital status. But in my anxiety to make the message interesting I went for an overkill in describing the appearances, which I should have avoided.

    Now Kamla, what you and Sihi point out is right. But I want to clarify that the bottomline is that Sushma is yet to meet a man with whom she can be comfortable with for the rest of her life.

    I am not insisting that women should marry at 23 or 25 or they would suffer like Sushma. That is not my intention. I just want to say that so far we have not found an alternative to marriage. Agreed married people have problems. But unmarried people are not in a state of bliss. They have greater problems.

    One of my college professors decided not to marry at all. He used to joke to me, "Sridhar, a married man would live like a beggar and die like a king. A bachelor like me would live like a king and die like a beggar."

    I do not know whether he lived like a king. But he died like a beggar for sure. He was ill for some time. And there was no body to nurse him. He got himself admitted in a hospital and was then discharged.

    And while at home he died in bed one day. And nobody knew that. It was only after three days when the domestic help returned after a long leave knocked the door, that he was found dead.

    Worse than people remaining as bachelors are those who delay their marriages inordinately as in the case of Sushma. It is one thing to say that she is sure to find someone sooner or later. But it is yet to happen in her case. So let's keep our fingers crossed, better, still folded in prayer for Sushma.

    Kamla, I once again congratulate for your matured, balanced reply.
    regards,
    Varalotti
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2006
  8. safa

    safa Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    452
    Likes Received:
    25
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    It was a great mistake..

    hello Sridhar,
    What Sushama has done in her life is a great mistake!
    No wise woman would hesitate to get married especially when an offer comes from a person who possesses good character and morals. At this age, forget the baldness and the widower , choose the man having the above qualities..

    I donot think we could die like a king if we get married. Look around, there are many old persons live alone with a servant or not in their houses or in old age homes. All of them were married. If death approaches suddenly , no chance for children or relatives to stand around.....

    My prayers for Sushama. Expect more articles from you which must touch our lives...
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2006
  9. varalotti

    varalotti Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,207
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    Yes, Sushma, did a mistake!

    Hello Shahana,
    (incidentally your name is the name of one of the finest Ragas in Carnatic music, a raga, which always melts my heart when I hear it either in the film song or in classical music),
    Yes Sushma did a mistake. By missing the bus. She did not commit a mistake by not choosing the best among the choices (or bad among the worst) at this age. Her mistake was that of not exercising her choice earlier when she had a lot to choose from.
    Now Shahana, every one is arguing, can a woman not delay her marriage? Can she not choose an ideal partner even while she is 40? These are all powerful theoritical arguments. And may be they are practically feasible in the Western milieu. But given the Indian condition, the mindsets of the Indian grooms, I am afraid, Sushma, getting the right person (bald or not, previously married or not) is a remote possibility. So let's just pray for her.
    regards,
    sridhar
     
  10. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    33,563
    Likes Received:
    3,630
    Trophy Points:
    490
    Gender:
    Female
    Sridhar, tell me honestly, did you miss my post ??!!

    This is a loud thinking as a sequel to your emotional needs thread, the latest on Sushma.
    Over the years, deprivation of basic emotional needs makes women emotionally starved. I did not post an answer to your Sushma thread all these days, because I did not want to stress on the sexual aspect, to which I attach a lot of importance.
    My stressing that aspect, at my age, might draw a sneer from others. Living in our culture & society, Sushma is rightly inhibited to seek it outside marriage. It is not the done thing according to our norms. Also people always tend to under estimate the sexual needs as if it is something, one can live without. Purposely, they underestimate sex as cheap & vulgar. Though very well aware in their hearts, they talk as if sex is not necessary for survival like Roti Kapda aur Makhan. Can they be more wrong ? Are they not cheating themselves? One can live in poverty or under some other pressure – but is not sex an outlet for all pressures you go through in life ? Let us not be prudes.<SCRIPT><!--D(["mb","
    \nCompanionship\ndoes not mean sex alone, but the presence of somebody around you as\nwell. One can enjoy solititude with a spouse around, but loneliness can\nbe tough. My friend\'s DIL has no children even though she was married\n20 yrs back. Adoption is not a universal choice, in fact, far from it.\nI see, how bitter that girl has become now and as can be expected, my\nfriend as her MIL is her target for bitterness. My heart bleeds for my\nfriend. It is quite natural, waiting to pick on somebody close to you, for what you lack.
    \nIn many cases I find them*\nlacking compassion in their interaction with others which is a projection\nof the bitterness in them. As\na much married person, I have no shame in admitting that a satisfactory\nsexual life & motherhood make a woman feel complete about herself.\nThere is no substitute for either of these two ! All said & done,\nthese two aspects are the &quot;bread and butter&quot; of every woman.
    \n*
    \n



    *</div><div><span>\n<div>On 10/3/06, chithra viswanathan <chitvish@gmail.com\n> wrote:\n<blockquote class\u003d\"gmail_quote\" style\u003d\"border-left:1px solid rgb(204, 204, 204);margin:0px 0px 0px 0.8ex;padding-left:1ex\">\nMy Kannan,
    \n<div>However subtly I reply, don\'t you think my stressing motherhood\nwill disturb Vidya & her likes? She will definitely take offence as\nif she is the target ! Already our interaction is in rough weather. I\ndo not want to upset ",1]);//--></SCRIPT>
    Companionship does not mean sex alone, but the presence of somebody around you as well. One can enjoy solititude with a spouse or a friend or a relative around, but loneliness can be tough. My friend's DIL has no children even though she was married 20 yrs back. Adoption is not a universal choice, in fact, far from it. I see, how bitter that girl has become now and as can be expected, my friend as her MIL is her target for bitterness. My heart bleeds for my friend. It is quite natural, waiting to pick on somebody close to you, for what you lack.
    In many cases I find them lacking compassion in their interaction with others which is a projection of the bitterness in them. As a much married person, I have no shame in admitting that a satisfactory sexual life & motherhood make a woman feel complete about herself. There is no substitute for either of these two ! All said & done, these two aspects are the emotional "bread and butter" of every woman.
    Love & regards,
    Chithra.


     

Share This Page